It could sure be categorized as college basketball’s version of crying “fire” in a crowded theater, as panic is spreading everywhere. What it actually was, was an article on yahoo.com which hit the NCAA landscape with the impact of a nuclear bomb…and radiation started spreading. The contents were picked up by everyone from the New York Post to the Los Angeles Times.
Author Pete Thamel, who apparently has an inside source of the ongoing investigation the FBI is conducting into college basketball, presented some information s0 compelling, the top coaches in the country must be losing sleep and seeing ghosts every night. After reviewing hundreds of hours of wiretapped conversations and going over thousands of emails, plus pouring over everything from bank accounts to spreadsheets, the FBI is eventually going to release information so devastating it could alter the sport for years. According to the report, lottery picks will be declared ineligible, blue blood programs will have to relinquish their places in March Madness and Hall of Fame coaches will be exposed as fakes and frauds.
For those who like red meat, Thamel served it up raw; college basketball fans are no longer concerned with RPI rankings, but rather FBI discoveries. In fact, Thamel’s FBI source claims the information on some coaches will be so destructive, it will end their careers. Of course, most fans are figuring it will be information such as top coaches arranging, through both sneaker companies and NBA player agents, payments to their players amounting to hundreds of thousands of dollars each year. But…as wide-ranging as this FBI investigation has been, it could include virtually anything. With that in mind, here is a list of things that, so far as we know at this point, the FBI could have unearthed which has the reputations of certain major college coaches in severe jeopardy:
Bruce Pearl goes skinny dipping with Caitlyn Jenner
AUBURN, ALABAMA–Yahoo.com has reported today that the FBI, through months of intense investigation, has discovered that Auburn head basketball coach Bruce Pearl goes skinny dipping with Caitlyn Jenner, a reality TV personality whose gender transition has drawn national attention.
“I’ll be shocked if Pearl is back at Auburn next year,” said Pete Thamel, who reported the story for Yahoo.com. “There certainly are no NCAA violations here, but the implications to his image will be devastating. I think the Auburn administration would overlook the fact that one of his assistants, Chuck Person, has been indicted for corruption and bribery, but I just can’t see how they’ll stand by Bruce after the recent FBI revelations.”
Thamel said the FBI obtained this information by pouring through emails it had subpoenaed from the Auburn basketball office, and even running DNA tests on the swimming pools where Pearl and Jenner met. “It’s airtight,” said Thamel. “Bruce will not be able to talk his way out of this one.”
Dana Altman spends his summers working as a border guard for Kim Jong Un
EUGENE, OREGON–Yahoo.com is reporting that the FBI’s investigation into college basketball has revealed that University of Oregon coach Dana Altman spends his summers working as a guard on the China border for North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un.
“This is not an NCAA violation but it is a preposterous situation for the University of Oregon and the Pac 12,” said Pete Thamel, who reported the story for Yahoo.com. “Seems Kim Jong Un is furious with all the defections to China his regime has had over the past few years, and he decided to hire someone with defensive expertise, and he offered Dana a nice little salary to spend his summer in the Hermit Kingdom guarding the border with China.”
Oregon athletic director Rob Mullens said he was unaware Altman works for the North Korean government in the summer but added he was unaware of any university policy which would prevent an Oregon employee from working for Kim Jong Un. Altman had no comment other than to say he has never called Kim Jong Un a “little rocket man” to his face.
Coach K never goes to NYC without a night on the town with Rosie O’Donnell
DURHAM, NORTH CAROLINA–Former FBI director James Comey has told Yahoo.com that the bureau’s investigation into college basketball has unearthed the blockbuster information that Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski never goes to New York City without taking comedienne Rosie O’Donnell on a date.
“It’s a very strange relationship,” said Pete Thamel, who reported the story for Yahoo.com. “Rosie always wants to talk about how Donald Trump has filed for bankruptcy four times, and Mike always brings up the fact that Trump referred to her as a fat, sloppy pig. But somehow, the relationship works.”
Thamel said he didn’t believe Krzyzewski’s courtship of O’Donnell is an NCAA violation, but believes it is information that could take down the Hall of Fame coach. “How is he going to get top recruits like R.J Barnett and Cameron Reddish to take him seriously, when he is out and about cavorting around New York City with a buffoon like Rosie?”
The Duke compliance office has cleared Krzyzewski of any wrong doing.
David Padgett continues to run a brothel in the Louisville athletic dorm
LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY– Yahoo.com has reported that the FBI’s investigation into college basketball has revealed that Louisville basketball coach David Padgett continues to run a brothel out of the Louisville athletic dorm, and not only continues to contract out the services to Katina Powell, but insists the girls watch replays of The David Padgett Show between sessions.
“This is pure suicidal,” said Pete Thamel, whose deep sources in the FBI allowed him to report the information in Yahoo.com. “Louisville has already had to surrender a national championship for this kind of activity, and to keep running it after such severe penalties just doesn’t make any sense. Other than that maybe the brothel is dug too deep in the tradition of Louisville basketball to get rid of.”
Former Louisville coach Rick Pitino, contacted at his beach home in Florida, said he is livid and plans on suing Padgett. “This was all my idea, and everyone in Louisville knows it,” said Pitino. “So for David to just poach my idea without even giving me credit is something I can’t see the courts tolerating!”
Avery Johnson plays poker with Roy Moore
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–United States attorney general Jeff Sessions, who supervises the FBI, has confirmed to Yahoo.com that after a five-month investigation into college basketball, the bureau has discovered that Alabama basketball coach Avery Johnson plays poker each Wednesday night at the Houndstooth Sports Bar with former Alabama Justice of the Supreme Court Roy Moore, who came under national scrutiny for sexual harassment in the recent senatorial election.
“Avery is done for as a college coach,” said Pete Thamel, who reported the story for Yahoo.com. “I can’t seeing him surviving this one. Hiring an outlaw like Kobie Baker is one thing, playing poker with Roy Moore is another.”
Baker was forced to resign earlier this year when it was determined that he was alleged to have taken a bribe to steer a Crimson Tide player toward a financial adviser.
Lon Kruger eats ice cream with Harvey Weinstein
NORMAN, OKLAHOMA–Yahoo.com is reporting that a source deep within the Federal Bureau of Investigation has confirmed that the FBI’s massive investigation of college basketball has revealed that Oklahoma head basketball coach Lon Kruger eats ice cream cones each Monday morning at TheBaker Bear Ice Cream Shop with Harvey Weinstein, a Hollywood film producer who was expelled from the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences following allegations from over 80 women of sexual abuse.
“This is just pathetic,” said actress Meryl Streep. ”You would think Coach Kruger could find someone more appealing to eat ice cream cones with than that dork Harvey Weinstein.”
“I look for Kruger to be forced to resign,” added actress Ashley Judd. “I know if Dave Bliss ever did something like this they’d have run him out of Norman!”
Bill Self honeymooned in a grocery store
LAWRENCE, KANSAS–Yahoo.com has reported that the FBI’s investigation into college basketball has unearthed information that Kansas coach Bill Self actually went on his honeymoon at Checkers Foods Grocery Store in Lawrence.
“This could be very problematic for Bill,” said Pete Thamel, who reported the story for Yahoo.com. “Kansas is a class organization, and if word gets out their head basketball coach did something as cheesy as honeymoon in a grocery story, they may force him to resign.”
“As best we can tell, is Bill got married when he was an assistant coach for Larry Brown,” said FBI investigator William Sweeney. “And Larry demands his staff put in so many hours, that Bill really had no choice but to go honeymoon at a grocery store.”
Muffet McGraw once entered a Dolly Parton look alike contest
SOUTH BEND, INDIANA–Yahoo.com is reporting tonight that the FBI investigation into college basketball has revealed that Notre Dame woman’s coach Muffet McGraw once entered a Dolly Parton look alike contest in the early 80s when she was recruiting the Nashville area for Lehigh.
“Muffet did not break any NCAA rules, but the fallout from this could be devastating,” said Pete Thamel. “A school with the prestige of Notre Dame certainly does not like its staff members competing in Dolly Parton look alike contests. And then the intelligence aspect comes into play too. How in the hell could Muffet think she stood a snowball’s chance in hell of winning such a contest, when she doesn’t even had blond hair?”
“I’m not going to say how we found this out,” said FBI agent William Sweeney. “But we got Muffet’s playbook and if there are any other coaches in the country out there participating in this kind of activity, I recommend they contact us immediately. It works out much better if you call us rather than us calling you.”
Steve Alford assisted Russian Hackers in influencing the presidential election
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA–Special Counsel Robert Mueller has confirmed to Yahoo.com that the FBI’s probe into college basketball corruption has revealed UCLA basketball coach Steve Alford colluded with Russian hackers to influence the recent presidential election.
“The information we were able to gather, seems to indicate Coach Alford did this to appease Bobby Knight, not because he has any deep-seeded political interest,” said Mueller.
“This could be curtains for Alford,” said Pete Thamel of Yahoo.com, who reported the story. “As unpopular as Donald Trump is with illegal aliens, and as many illegal aliens out there in southern California who buy season tickets to Bruins games, Alford is going to have some serious explaining to do.”
Buzz Williams moonlights as a department store Santa Claus
BLACKSBURG, VIRGINIA–A sweeping investigation into the landscape of college basketball has by the FBI has revealed that Virginia Tech coach Buzz Williams moonlights as a department store Santa Claus, and has been doing this for years.
The story, reported on Yahoo.com, said that the agency has not been able to determine exactly when Williams began doing this, but it appears to be at least since he worked for Billy Gillispie at Texas A&M. “Buzz is certainly not breaking any NCAA rules by doing this, but it is so corny it could hurt his image on the recruiting trail as well as his credibility with AAU coaches,” said Pete Thamel, who reported the story for Yahoo.com.
Thamel said the FBI is perplexed as to why Williams would do such a thing. They are unsure if he needs the money or just the attention of being Santa. “He seemed to do it the most when he coached Marquette and was living in Milwaukee. With all those Brewers and Bucks in town, he was far enough down the pecking order where he had the least chance of being recognized.”
Jim Boeheim once babysat for Kellyanne Conway
SYRACUSE, NEW YORK–Yahoo.com is reporting tonight that a broad based investigation into college basketball corruption by the FBI has revealed that Syracuse coach Jim Boeheim used to babysit for political consultant Kellyanne Conway when the counselor to the president was a toddler.
“I think the big question here is, ‘Why didn’t Coach Boeheim say something about this earlier?’” said Pete Thamel, who reported the story for Yahoo.com. “Is there something shady in the mechanics of this connection? And it makes one wonder, what else is Boeheim not owning up to?”
According to the FBI, Boeheim did disclose, that even as a toddler Conway used the phrase “alternative facts” all the time, especially when watching The Bozo the Clown Show.
Bob Huggins campaigned for Stormy Daniels
MORGANTOWN, WEST VIRGINIA–Yahoo.com sportswriter Pete Thamel has warned that NCAA basketball may have reached a “tipping point” when it was revealed in an FBI investigation that West Virginia head basketball coach Bob Huggins actively campaigned for Hall of Fame porn star Stormy Daniels, who ran for senator of Louisiana in 2009.
“A widespread bribery scheme is bad enough, but to have one of the premier coaches in college basketball actually campaigning for Stormy is something a membership-driving organization like the NCAA simply can’t tolerate,” said Thamel.
Several Adidas marketing executives are also being investigated for campaigning for Stormy. “What this shows, is that the high-end porn star is a coveted commodity by college basketball coaches which have formed a black market to campaign for Stormy.”
Sean Miller is a blood ancestor of Ivan the Terrible
TUCSON, ARIZONA–DeAndre Ayton, considered the top recruit in the class of 2017, has told Yahoo.com that his coach at Arizona, Sean Miller, is an ancestor of Ivan the Terrible, the autocratic ruler of Russia from 1547 to 1584.
“In my opinion Ivan gets a bad rap,” said Ayton. “Sure, he ruled with the assistance of secret police, mass repressions and public executions, but he also paid his top tsars $100,000 to sign with him, and I think that shows smarts and generosity.”
“We haven’t been able to independently corroborate whether this is accurate information,” said Pete Thamel of Yahoo.com. “But I will say if Sean is an ancestor of Ivan, and Ivan did pay his top people $100,000 to sign with him, that’s a helluva an irony. We are also checking into information that Ivan nicknamed one of his top tsars, ‘Book.’”
Mike Brey practices witchcraft
SOUTH BEND, INDIANA–FBI agent William Sweeney has told Yahoo.com that his agency, in a broad-based investigation of corruption in college basketball, has discovered that Notre Dame head basketball coach Mike Brey practices witchcraft.
“This is a habit he picked up when he coached at DeMatha High School,” said Sweeney. “All the pressure of having to coach for a legend like Morgan Wooten forced him to look for an outlet, and apparently he gravitated toward witchcraft.”
“It doesn’t matter why he did it,” said Pete Thamel, who reported the story for Yahoo.com. “The fact is he did it, and I can’t imagine Reverend (John) Jenkins (Notre Dame president) is too happy about that. They may give him the Charlie Weis treatment and just run his butt out of town!”
Rick Pitino vacationed at the bin Laden compound in Pakistan (but Rick had no idea bin Laden was living there, and he had no idea bid Laden was on the FBI’s Most Wanted List)
ABBOTTABAD, PAKISTAN– Pete Thamel of Yahoo.com is reporting that former Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino used to vacation at the high-brow mansion used as a safe house for terrorist Osama bin Laden in a suberb of a city in Pakistan.
“The FBI never got so lucky in its life,” said Thamel. “They were looking at the shady recruitment of an Indiana high school player named Brian Bowen, and found the number of the bid Laden compound on Brian’s cell phone. From there, they just connected the dots.”
Pitino lawyer Steve Pence said he fully expects Pitino to sue bin Laden for sullying his name and for whatever part he may have had in swaying the NCAA’s ruling that Louisville must vacate its 2013 national championship. “There is just no way Rick knew bin Laden was living there at the times he vacationed there,” said Pence. “And Rick even if Rick did know bin Laden was there, he had no idea bin Laden was wanted by the FBI for terrorism.”
Josh Pastner is in legal battle with the Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket
ATLANTA, GEORGIA–Yahoo.com has reported that the FBI has discovered in its investigation that Georgia Tech head basketball coach Josh Pastner is involved in a complicated lawsuit with Buzz, the Yellow Jacket mascot of the school.
“It’s a very complicated legal mater involving recruiting violations, the accusation that Josh assaulted Buzz’s wife, threats of blackmail…it’s so complicated I don’t really even understand it myself, and I’m the one who reported it!” said Pete Thamel, who reported the story for Yahoo.com.
“It really shows how the system has failed us,” said NCAA president Mark Emmert. “We have to come up with a better way of doing thing.”
Cliff Ellis makes more money running a local butcher shop than he does coaching at Coastal Carolina
CONWAY, SOUTH CAROLINA–High sources in the FBI have told Yahoo.com that the agency’s review of the black market of college basketball has revealed that Coastal Carolina coach Cliff Ellis makes more money running a butcher shop in Myrtle Beach than he does coaching the Costal Carolina Chanticleers.
“This has to be an alarming situation for the Sun Belt Conference,” said Yahoo.com’s Pete Thamel, who first reported the story. “We realize Coastal Carolina and the Sun Belt don’t have the money Power Five conferences have, but when Cliff can make more money cutting up and selling meat in a small, privately owned butcher shot that he can at a sea-grant university that’s just terrible.”
Ellis told the FBI that the wide arrangement of Amish cheeses his store sells is what actually puts him over the top and allows him to make more money working as a butcher than he does as a college basketball coach. “Plus, our brisket is sliced thin and we also offer a generous portion of apple chipotle really keeps customers coming back!”
John Beilein was kicked off the Partridge Family
ANN ARBOR, MICHIGAN–FBI director Christopher Way has confirmed to Yahoo.com that the agency’s comprehensive investigation of NCAA basketball has turned up conclusive evidence that Michigan coach John Beilein was all set to assume the role of Rueben Kincaid, band manager in the popular 1970s sitcom The Partridge Family, when he was dismissed from the assignment for reasons so seedy that Shirley Jones will not even talk about it. Dave Madden was then selected to play the part.
“This raises some serious questions about Coach Beilein’s character,” said Pete Thamel, who reported the story for Yahoo.com. “If we could get a definitive reason for the dismissal, Coach Beilein might be off the hook. But as is, questions are going to linger, and if Andy Miller had a crush on Susan Dey, or Danny Bonaduce or David Cassidy decide to talk, it could be curtains for Beilein.”
According to FBI information, Beilein decided not to pursue a career as a thespian, and took a job as the head basketball coach of Erie Community College in upstate New York.
Roy Williams is in a romantic relationship with a Silverback Gorilla
CHAPEL HILL, NORTH CAROLINA–Yahoo.com is reporting that the FBI’s comprehensive investigation into college basketball has revealed that North Carolina coach Roy Williams is in a romantic relationship with a silverback gorilla named “Fluffy.”
“This is clearly incredibly embarrassing for Roy and the University of North Carolina,” said Pete Thamel, who reported the story for Yahoo.com. “The FBI has not been able to determine if the relationship is physical or platonic, but it clearly is something that could hurt the Tar Heels on the recruiting trail once the rest of the ACC finds out about it.”
The FBI believes the relationship started when Williams unexpectedly showed up at an African-American Studies class to check on several of his players who were enrolled in the course. None of the players were there that night, but Fluffy, who is believed to be functionally illiterate, was on hand to turn in her paper, and that’s where she and Willams met and, according to the FBI, really hit it off and started courting. The two have been seen rendezvousing in Lawrence, Kansas, where Williams once coached, and it is believed Williams hired a paid tutor to do Fluffy’s written assignments in the paper class she was enrolled in.
John Calipari serves as his own bag man
LEXINGTON, KENTUCKY–Nerlens Noel has confirmed to Yahoo.com that Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari served as his own bag man at Kentucky, primarily to Calipari’s determination to drive seedy bag men like Christopher Dawkins out of the college game.
“Coach Cal didn’t trust bag men like Christopher Dawkins to pass out the money to us,” said Noel. “He wanted to make sure we got all the cash we were entitled to, and that the bag men weren’t sticking some of it in their own pockets. So Coach Cal risked everything to give us our money himself.” “A very astute decision by Coach Calipari,” said Pete Thamel, who reported the story for Yahoo. “Coach Calipari wants to clean up college basketball. And the number one way is to drive snakes like Christopher Dawkins out of the game. This will help purify the game, which is what Coach Cal dearly wants.”
“We need to see more dedication like that being shown by Coach Cal,” said NCAA director Mark Emmert. “By being his own bag man, that puts snakes like Christopher Dawkins out of work. And the sooner they are out of our sight, the better!”
Huma Abedin is the bag man for the Villanova Wildcats
PHILADELPHIA, PA–Anthony Weiner, a disgraced former United States congressman, has confirmed to Yahoo.com that his wife, Huma Adedin, the former deputy chief of staff to Hillary Clinton, has served as the bag man for the Villanova basketball team.
“The FBI investigation shows Christopher Dawkins was going to handle bag man responsibilities for at Villanova, but Jay Wright thought that would be too risky,” said Pete Thamel, who reported the story for Yahoo.com. “Jay wanted the bag man to be the last person in the world you would suspect would be the bag man, and somehow Huma’s name came up.” “The reason we selected Huma, is mainly because of her squeaky clean image,” said Wright. “But, you know if she has been around the Clintons for as long as she has, she must know all about top-flight corruption. And that combination of image and know how is what got her the job.” Wright added that Huma was the best bag man he has ever seen in the forty years he has been involved with college basketball.
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