When it all started out, Hugh Freeze no doubt wanted to go down with names like Bear Bryant, General Neyland and Vince Dooley. The fact that he will more than likely go down with names like Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker and Elmer Gantry is unfortunate, but it’s also what happens when you churn out religious tweets like a factory, then get caught with a salacious escort service number on your cell. And in a world where sports coverage has evolved into celebrity driven entertainment, Freeze didn’t stand a chance. The columnists and commentators went after him like vultures zeroing in on fresh carrion. The sword of retribution has cut down the hypocritical Coach Freeze! That sanctimonious fraud has been exposed!
At one point in his career, it seemed assured the first paragraph of his obituary would include items like defeating Nick Saban and Alabama back to back. Now, just as surely, that information will be supplanted by barbs equating him to college football’s version of Elmer Gantry, an evangelist by day tweeting out countless religious passages, but by night, succumbing to the kind of nefarious transgressions he so devoutly was insincerely preaching against. Of course, those moral majority pit bulls will show condemnation on a grand scale, while the let’s-keep-it-real crowd–of which I include myself as a member–will steer more along the lines of, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
But could Freeze’s career have been saved? The answer, of course, is absolutely. And with that in mind, here are some explanations he could have used to account for a number associated with a female escort service being so prominently displayed on his school-issued cell phone:
He was calling the escort service to make sure the Louisville Cardinals were not hanging out there
OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI–University of Mississippi athletic director Ross Bjork has told the USA TODAY that the call from ole Miss football coach Hugh Freeze to a number associated with a female escort service was not a “misdial” as previously reported, but rather a precautionary call by Coach Freeze to make sure no Louisville basketball players were hanging out at the escort service.
“Coach Freeze has tremendous respect for Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino,” said Bjork. “Coach Freeze is well aware Louisville has had issues in this area in the past, and in an effort to help Coach Pitino police the Louisville basketball program, Coach Freeze gave a quick call to the escort service to see if any Louisville Cardinals were hanging out there, and if they were, Coach Freeze was going to tell them to knock it off and leave the premise immediately.”
“Thank goodness there were no Louisville basketball players there,” said Freeze. “And the fact that there weren’t really speaks highly for the character Coach Pitino has instilled in them. The NCAA is already threatening to take away their championship, so the guys have to really play it straight and narrow!”
He was trying to sell ole Miss season tickets to the girls
OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI–The Wall Street Journal is reporting that the reason University of Mississippi football coach Hugh Freeze had numbers on his school-issued phone to a known female escort service, is because he was trying to sell the girls on the idea of buying Rebel season tickets and coming out to the games.
“College athletics costs a fortune to run these days,” said Mississippi athletic director Ross Bjork. “And in this day of sports marketing you have to be constantly on the look out for any avenue possible to promote your product. And that’s all Coach Freeze was doing when he called the escort service. Now I know there are those who are going to be a little cynical and not accept this explanation, but it is what it is, and that’s all Coach Freeze was doing.”
“If I were to call an escort service, that would be something they could fire me for instantly with no questions asked,” said Freeze. “And I’d end up leaving 16 million dollars on the table. Does anything really think I am that stupgid? No, I was just trying to sell some season tickets, and I’m sick of critics reading into things like this in a negative way a preventing our young men from getting an opportunity to compete,.”
He was trying to organize Bible study classes at the escort service
OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI–The Washington Post is reporting this evening that University of Mississippi athletic director Ross Bjork has completed an investigation into a call which was placed by ol’ Miss football coach Hugh Freeze to an escort service.
“It was actually very easy to explain,” said Bjork. “Coach Freeze was calling the escort service in an attempt to set up a Bible study class with the escorts giving them an opportunity to receive messages from Coach Freeze which would help them direct their daily lives in positive manner.”
Bjork apologized to Freeze for the negative publicity which was derived by the discovery of the call to the escort service.
“But Coach Freeze is a forgiving man,” said Bjork. “And I fully believe he forgives those who may have misconstrued his intentions.”
He was calling to see if the girls did their Bible study homework
OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI–The Sporting News is reporting that the reason Mississippi football coach Hugh Freeze had over 200 calls from his university-issued phone to a number associated with a female escort service, is he had started a Bible Study class, and, as a devoted instructor of God’s Word, he wanted to make sure the girls were not having any trouble understanding their homework, particularly the passages he assigned them to read over in Romans and John.
“The book of Romans is the fullest statement of Christianity,” said Freeze. “And I certainly would not consider myself a blue-blood instructor if I didn’t constantly go over the material with the girls to make sure their comprehension of the material was solid.”
The article also said the curriculum for Freeze’s Bible Study course also covers items in Genesis and Isaiah with a high concentration on the life of Moses.
“Moses delivered oppressed people from bondage,” said Freeze. “And I feel everyone can enhance themselves by understanding his life.”
He was calling to see if any of the escorts wanted to take a ride on the school plane
OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI–Mississippi football coach Hugh Freeze, who has defeated Alabama in back-to-back seasons, has told CBS Sports, the reason there are numbers called from his cell phone to a female escort service in Tampa, is because he was checking to see if any of the girls wanted to take a joyride on the Mississippi school plane when it was in Florida.
“The cost to own your own Cessna private aircraft usually run between $700,000 and two million dollars,” said Mississippi athletic director Ross Bjork. “The girls obviously would have trouble scrapping together that kind of money, so Coach Freeze, out of the kindness of his heart, offered a ride on the ole Miss jet.”
“If I had known Houston (Nutt) was going to subpoena my phone records I’d have been more careful not to have done this,” said Freeze. “Too many things could be misconstrued.”
He was calling to urge the girls not to patronize MS 13 members
OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI–Mississippi director of athletics Ross Bjork has told the New York Times the reason there were numbers on Rebel football coach Hugh Freeze’s cell phone associated with a female escort service, is because Freeze was contacting the escorts to encourage them not to solicit the business of MS 13 gang members.
“The Trump Administration has really heightened its rhetheroic against this highly-dangerous, barbaric organization,” said Bjork. “And Coach Freeze is a patriot, he supports the United States government, and he just wanted to let the female escorts know if they did business with MS 13 gang members, it would be counter-productive to the direction America wants to move.”
“These clowns are involved in everything from drug trafficking to money laundering to out-and-out murder,” said Freeze. “And I just wanted the girls to know I really don’t think it would be appropriate for them to get involved with such an organization. Plus, their bodies are covered with goofy tattoos, and I can’t envision what girl would want to be romantically involved with some dork covered with ink!”
He wanted to see if one of the girls would lead the Rebels through The Grove
OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI–The Wall Street Journal is reporting its sources have confirmed that the reason University of Mississippi football coach Hugh Freeze was calling an escort service in Tampa, is because he wanted to check and see if he could get one of the escorts to escort the Rebels through the Walk of Champions to Vaught-Hemmingway Stadium.
“Tailgating in The Grove is the ultimate in all of college football,” said Mississippi athletic director Ross Bjork. “And when our players walk through it creates a frenzy so filled with mayhem, that our players just needed to be escorted though all those passionate, loving fans. And who better to escort them, than an escort?”
“That exactly what I was thinking,” said Freeze. “The idea came to me last year before the LSU game, when we were making our way down the Walk of Champions, and one of the state troopers said to me, ‘You practically need an escort to get through this madness!’ And I immediately figured, ‘If that’s the case, why not call an escort service?’”
He wanted to see if the girls wanted to go on a field trip to Vicksburg National Military Park
OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI–Mississippi governor Phil Bryant has told the New Orleans Picayune is his understanding of the reason University of Mississippi head football coach Hugh Freeze was calling an escort service in Tampa, was to see if any of the escorts wanted to take a field trip to the Vicksburg National Military Park, and thus promote tourism in the state of Mississippi.
“Our state just has so much to offer,” said Bryant. “From the Delta blues and country music to the down home cooking to our heritage and culture, Mississippi is a winner. And I felt it was so gracious of Coach Freeze to call the escorts and invite them to see, first hand, a preservation which commemorates the defense of Vicksburg, one of the most gallant stands in the history of warfare.”
“I especially wanted the girls to understand how General Sherman came in from the Yazoo River, while General Grant advanced in through the Mississippi General Railroad,” said Freeze. “It was a fighting force unequalled at that time, but the Rebs were still able to hold them off for 47 days.”
“It is such a shame Coach Freeze was going out of his way to promote tourism and history and culture in our state, and some turds in the media automatically paint him as immoral,” said Mississippi athletic director Ross Bjork.
He was calling to see if any of the girls wanted to volunteer as candy stripers at Baptist Memorial Hospital
OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI–ABC’s 20/20 is reporting tonight the reason Mississippi football coach Hugh Freeze was contacting an escort service was to try to persuade the girls to volunteer as candy stripers at a local Oxford hospital.
“The function of a candy striper may seem menial, but trust me, they are the backbone of health care in this country,” said Freeze. “Everything from lining the beds with fresh linens to filing medical documents to working in the gift shop is a needed service, and these girls have got to step up to the plate and provide it.”
“I especially liked Coach Freeze’s idea of utilizing the girls from the escort service as receptionists at the front desk,” said Mississippi athletic director Ross Bjork. “It gives a very positive image of the hospital the moment patients walk in the front door.”
“The girls I spoke with really got enthused, for some reason or another, when I told them they would get the opportunity to learn to administer enemas” said Freeze. “And we need to utilize that enthusiasm!”
He was calling to see if the girls were getting his religious tweets
OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI–The New York Times is quoting University of Mississippi athletic director Ross Bjork as saying the reason Rebel football coach Hugh Freeze had a number on his cell phone which is associated with a female escort service is not because a “misdial” was executed, as previously stated, but rather because Freeze did indeed place a call to the escort service in order to see if the escorts were getting his religious messages on twitter and get some feedback as to which ones they liked the best.
“Coach Freeze was just following through,” said Bjork. “He not only wanted to make sure he was positively communicating with the girls, but also, make sure his messages were effecting their lives in a positive manner.”
“And his messages were really hitting the spot,” said Madame du Berry, pseudonym for a renowned escort in Nevada. “His messages were something I looked forward to getting each and every day. I’m sure glad the NCAA does not prohibit coaches from providing this service.”
He was calling on behalf of Houston Nutt
OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI–University of Mississippi athletic director Ross Bjork has told Saturday Down South that the reason there was a call from ole Miss football coach Hugh Freeze to a number associated with a female escort service, is because Freeze was actually calling on behalf of former Mississippi coach Houston Nutt.
“Houston got into quite a bit of trouble in Arkansas for the thousands of texts he made to a local women TV personality,” said Bjork. “And Houston didn’t want to risk calling the escort service on his phone, so he asked Coach Freeze to call on his behalf.”
“This is utter nonsense,” said Nutt’s attorney Thomas Mars. “This is just another silly, idiotic attempt on behalf of the University of Mississippi to smear my client’s name and irresponsibly blame him for their misconduct!”
He was calling to lead the girls in a few rounds of “Kumbaya”
OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI–Hugh Freeze, head football coach at the University of Mississippi, has told Sports Illustrated that the reason there were numbers on his university-issued cell phone to a female escort service, is because he was calling the girls to see if they wanted to get together to sing a few rounds of “Kumbaya” the next time he was in the Tampa Bay area.
“I think it is an incredibly humane gesture for Coach Freeze to gather up all the escorts and show some real fellowship by singing Kumbaya,” said University of Mississippi chancellor Jeffery Vitter. “I know when I was going to school at Notre Dame we used to sit around the dorm room singing it before big games, and I honestly believe it helped.”
His car broke down, and he was calling to see if one of the girls could come out and overhaul his engine
OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI–Ross Bjork, athletic director at the University of Mississippi, has told the New York Post the reason Rebel football coach Hugh Freeze had numbers on his school-issued cell phone to a female escort service, is because he was recruiting in the Tampa Bay area, his car broke down, he couldn’t get ahold of AAA, so he called the escort service hoping one of the girls might be able to get some tools and come out and overhaul his engine.
“It is so frustrating to be out on the road like that and have car trouble,” said Bjork. “We would like to thank our Lord and Savoir Jesus Christ for getting Coach Freeze back to Oxford safely.”
“The hell of it was, none of the escorts knew enough about auto mechanics to be of any help,” said Freeze. “And here I am having to listen desecrate my good name because I called the escort service hoping to get some automotive technology assistance, and not only could they not help, but I have to listen to spiteful critics who completely misconstrued my intentions.”
Freeze said he ended up trashing the car in Long Boat Key and hasn’t seen it since.
He was calling to encourage the escorts to buy a bomb shelter
OXFORD–MISSISSIPPI–The USA TODAY is reporting that the reason University of Mississippi football coach Hugh Freeze had numbers on his phone to a female escort service in Tampa, Florida, is because he was calling the girls urging them to buy an underground bunker from possible nuclear fallout which could occur should the situation in the Korean peninsula escalate.
“I was just looking out for the escorts best interests” said Freeze. “This (the installation of a bomb shelter on the property) would make sure the girls have food and water in the event of a nuclear attack, and provided they didn’t need medical attention they could stay in the bunker for an extended period of time. And continue to make money off their business.”
“I think it is an absolute joke how everyone from the Los Angeles Times to the New Yorker Magazine seems to think there is some sort of immoral activity taking place here, ” said ole Miss athletic director Ross Bjork. “Coach Freeze has always tried to help people his entire life, and he all was doing here was extending a helping hand, and he gets crucified for it!”
He was calling to hire one of the girls to pinch his buttocks in the Oxford town square for recruiting purposes
OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI–The Wall Street Journal is reporting the reason Mississippi coach Hugh Freeze had numbers on his cell phone to a female escort service, is because during recruiting season he hires one of the girls to pinch his butt in public as he walks around The Square in Oxford.
“It has been scientifically and clinically proven that a five-star recruit is more apt to sign with a school that has gorgeous girls pinching the head coach’s butt in public than those that don’t,” said ole Miss athletic director Ross Bjork. “It gives them street cred and makes them more appealing to the prospect.”
“I know when I first saw Coach Freeze getting his butt pinched by a gorgeous babe in public, I wanted to play for this man,” said former Rebel offensive lineman Laremy Tunsil, who was a high school all-American out of Lake City, Florida.
“I threw for close to 4,000 yards at East Mississippi Community College, and I had offers to play anywhere in the country,” said former Rebel quarterback Chad Kelly. “But when I saw Coach Freeze getting his butt pinched by beautiful women in public, it pretty much swayed my decision, that the University of Mississippi is the place for me.”
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