But first things FIRST: why Barry Switzer was right again!
Long before a shocking video surfaced of Joe Mixon whacking a coed to Kingdom Come, long before it was discovered Charles Thompson was running that high-flying potent offense by day and a lucrative drug dealing operation by night, long before Buster Rhymes pulled out a Uzi machine gun and fired off numerous rounds at the athletic dorm, Oklahoma had the reputation of an outlaw outfit, a circus where the players would break into a cold sweat at the thought of having to write a simple, declarative sentence. (Right after ringmaster Barry Switzer was forced to resign following a flurry of player arrests from drugs to guns to rape, a yarn hit the party circuit which went: What do you say to an Oklahoma Sooner in a three-piece suit? Answer: Will the defendant please rise!) Current quarterback Baker Mayfield did little to alter that image this offseason when he was arrested for public intoxication then got tackled when he tried to run from the police. A colossal embarrassment for a school trying to promote its quarterback as a Heisman hopeful but the ever colorful Switzer added some perspective when he mirthfully replied, “The cops would have never caught my quarterbacks!” Barry was always great for an amusing quote and those of us who covered him miss him, and that cavalier attitude. Now….college football fans of the world, let’s take a stroll down memory lane here, and see how many of these remarkably incredible college football players you can recall, as we try to envision what Barry would have said had any of his all-world quarterbacks ever encountered predicaments with the police:
Troy Aikman outruns Trump Tower security guards
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–The New York Times is eporting today that Oklahoma quarterback Troy Aikman stole some valuable merchandise out of Trump Tower on Manhattan’s Fifth Avenue, skillfully eluded all security guards on duty, and got away scot-free.
“This is the first time anyone has completely eluded security in all the years I have owned the building,” said financer Donald Trump.
“It doesn’t surprise me at all,” said Oklahoma football coach Barry Switzer. “We have always taught Troy to get a low center of gravity and have good balance, an essential trait for any great runner, and I’m sure those security guards didn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of catching him.”
Jamelle Holloway outruns 5 dozen LAPD officers
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA–The Los Angeles Times is reporting that former Oklahoma quarterback Jamelle Holloway stole a telescope out of the Griffith Observatory and over two dozen Los Angeles Police Department officers couldn’t catch him even though they chased him all the way to Pasadena.
“This is the first time I have ever heard of anyone outrunning the whole LAPD,” said LAPD Police Chief Daryl Gates.
“That is why we recruited Jamelle out of Banning High School in Los Angeles,” said Oklahoma head football coach Barry Switzer. “We noticed on film if Jamelle got so much as half a step on the defender, he was gone. And I’m sure he got that half step on the police officers after robbing the Griffith Observatory and the police didn’t stand a snowball’s chance in Timbuktu of catching him.”
J.C. Watts person of interest in Lufthansa Heist
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–The New York Post is reporting that New York City Police have identified Oklahoma quarterback J.C. Watts as a person of interest in the estimated six million dollar heist of Lufthansa Airlines at Kennedy International Airport.
“The police got several eyewitness reports of a guy in a red Oklahoma football uniform taking off with $800,000 worth of jewelry, and running so fast airport security couldn’t catch him to interrogate him,” said New York City mayor Ed Koch.
“I’m sure it was J.C.,” said Oklahoma football coach Barry Switzer. “When we first saw J.C. play at Eufaula High School, our staff all said, ‘If he’s even he’s leaving.’ And I’m sure J.C. got just enough of a start out at Kennedy Airport, and airport security didn’t know what the hell hit’em!”
Thomas Lott makes off with bandana
SAN ANTONIO–The San Antonio Express News is reporting that Oklahoma quarterback Thomas Lott stole a bandana out of Rivercenter Mall in San Antonio, then outran all the police officers who pursued him.
“Our police force was up against an opponent the likes of which we have never seen before,” said San Antonio mayor Henry Cisnaros. “The blinding speed left our cops in the dust.”
“If you think what Thomas did to the San Antonio police was impressive, you should have seen what he did to the Colorado secondary last year,” said head coach Barry Switzer. “I have no idea why Thomas would steal a bandana, other than to speculate the bandana is who Thomas is. The bandana signifies his rebel imagine and he takes a lot of ride in it.”
Jake Mildren rips off Wall Street
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–The Daily Oklahoman is reporting that Oklahoma quarterback Jack Mildren stole a cache of financial documents from a Wall Street savings and loan institution, then outran all the security guards on duty, and got away cleanly.
“This is outrageous,” said Securities and Exchange Commissioner William Casey. “We are obviously going to have to beef up security in the financial district.”
“It would not have mattered how many security guards they had on duty, Jack would have still outran them,” said Oklahoma offensive coordinator Barry Switzer. “The reason we recruited him out of Abilene, Texas was becauxe of how swiftly he ran the triple option, and if they Nebraska defense couldn’t slow him down, I sure as hell don’t think a bunch of Wall Street security guards can catch him!”
Steve Davis sought for questioning
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–People Magazine is reporting that Oklahoma quarterback Steve Davis is a person of interest following a series of looting which occurred in New York City’s financial district during a blackout.
“We can’t say for sure if Steve was involved or not,” said New York City mayor Abe Beame. “All we know is a guy wearing an Oklahoma football uniform with a number 5 jersey came hauling ass out of the garment district. Police wanted to question him, but couldn’t catch him.”
“I am sure the NYPD felt the same frustration the Michigan defense felt in the ’76 Orange Bowl,” said Oklahoma football coach Barry Switzer. “”Whether or not he was involved in looting is something we’ll never know, because I’m sure not gonna ask him when he returns to campus, and the NYPD isn’t ever gonna interrogate him, because the NYPD is never gonna catch I’m.”
Charles Thompson outruns Lawton police
LAWTON, OKLAHOMA–The Lawton Constitution is reporting that OU quarterback Charles Thompson stole a Cincinnati Reds baseball cap out of a local sporting goods store, then outran the local police, and the merchandize was never recovered.
“I just grabbed the cap and never looked back,” said Thompson, who arrive back on campus last night.
“I doubt anyone familiar with the Big Eight is astonished by any of this,” said Oklahoma head football coach Barry Switzer. “The reason we inserted Charles into the starting line up as a freshman, and started him against number one Nebraska, is because he possessed that blinding speed. So I have no idea what the Lawton police were thinking when the figured they could outrun him. Must have a bunch of Barney Fife’s in the department!”
TUBBS TAKES ON LUBBOCK!
It made sense, in only the sense that it made no sense at all, and Tommy Tuberville’s tenure at Texas Tech made no sense to many. From the get-go, he had about as much in common with the west Texas community as Jacques Cousteau, he coached at times like he was auditioning extras for the next Ben Stiller slapstick comedy movie and Napoleon showed more class when he walked out on Josephine than Tubbs did when he left Tech. So what sense did it make for Tuberville to reopen some old wounds by getting on a radio show in Birmingham and lampooning the daylights out of Lubbock, Texas, equating it with Iraq and Siberia? Tuberville can make Texas Tech sound like a place a John Steinbeck Okie wouldn’t want to work all he wants, but the fact of the matter is he came out there begging for a job, much to the chagrin of many Tech diehards who wanted to stay in house and hire Ruffin McNeal. Then, he took a program that was regarded as a real live Black Mamba of college football, a dangerous outfit capable of beating anyone on any given Saturday, and reduced it to complete mediocrity. Most Tech people ignored Tubbs’ remarks, one, because they’ve heard stuff like that from outsiders before and, two, most find it difficult to be troubled by whatever Tommy Tuberville might think of them. But the one guy whose anger showed was former Raider passing star B.J. Symons who immediately tweeted out if Lubbock is Iraq, then Tubbs is Saddam Hussein and “one evil sh—y football coach.” But if B.J. really wanted to get nasty, here are some things he could have said:
“Hey Tubbs, Saddam Hussein was more competitive in the Persian Gulf War than you were at Tech!”
LUBBOCK, TEXAS–The Lubbock Avalanche Journal is reporting this evening, that former Texas Tech quarterback B.J. Symons, in response to some negative remarks about Lubbock by former Texas Tech coach Tommy Tuberville, tweeted, “And not only is Tuberville Saddam Hussein, Saddam’s army was more competitive in the Persian Gulf War.”
Symons backed up his statement by saying, “Saddam’s forces only lasted 42 days before they were forced out of Kuwait. But Coach Tuberville only posted a 20-17 record the entire time he was at Tech, and that is hardly setting the world on fire. And when you consider the kind of numbers Mike Leach was putting up, that was pretty sh–ty.”
Symons added, “We were getting beat by scores like 45-7 and 66-6. This never happened to Coach Leach or Coach Dykes, so overall, when you lay all the cards on the table, I’d have to say Saddam gave the coalition forces a better run for their money than Coach Tuberville gave Tech opponents.”
“Hey Tubbs, remember when the Saddam Hussein statue tumbled over in Baghdad? It reminded me of your teams in Big 12 competition!”
LUBBOCK, TEXAS–The Amarillo Globe News is reporting that Texas Tech’s record-setting former quarterback B.J Symons, in response to some negative remarks by former Texas Tech coach Tommy Tuberville, tweeted the tumbling of the Saddam Hussein statue in Firdaus Square in downtown Baghdad reminded him of Tuberville’s teams in Big 12 action.
Symons qualified his statement by saying, “Tuberville went 9-17 in Big 12 play. Never even made a run at being competitive in the conference. I’ll always recall that year I thought he finally had turned the corner and we were about to make a mark. Then an Iowa State team on a four-game losing streak comes into Lubbock and beats the daylights of out us. Smokes Tech to the tune of 41-7.”
Symons called the 66-6 lost to Oklahoma State, the worse defeat in Texas Tech history, a colossal embarrassment. “I imagine those guys from Oklahoma State wondered if they were playing against Sul Ross or Tarleton State,” said Symons.
“Hey Tubbs, Saddam Hussein showed more class when he crawled out of that spider hole than you did when you left Lubbock!”
LUBBOCK, TEXAS–The Abilene Reporter-News is reporting that former Texas Tech quarterback B.J. Symons, who broke the NCAA single season passing record by throwing for 5,833 yards, has taken issue with some deprecating remarks about Lubbock by former Texas Tech coach Tommy Tuberville, who recently equated the Hub City to Iraq. In a recent tweet Symons claimed Saddam Hussein, the fifth president of Iraq and a member of the Ba’ath Party, made his exit from a spider hole he was hiding in near his hometown of Takrit with more class than Tuberville did when he left a group of recruits hanging at a Lubbock restaurant, then took the job at Cincinnati.
“What’s up with that?” asked Symons. “Those guys are on their official visits, the coach just gets up at the dinner table, doesn’t tell anyone where he is going, just disappears, and the next day they read in the paper he has taken the job at Cincinnati? Now I know how the people at Ole Miss felt when Tubbs told them the only why he’d leave Oxford was in a pine box, then a few weeks later he’s taking a job at Auburn.”.
On the flip side of the coin now, Tubbs’ comments could be useful to some so, here are WAYS THE U.S. GOVERNMENT COULD HAVE UTILIZED TUBBS’ REMARKS:
George Bush says sending troops to Iraq was like sending them to Lubbock
ABOARD USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN–George Bush, while standing underneath a banner titled “Mission Accomplished” after just flying on to a Navy aircraft carrier in a fixed wing aircraft while wearing a flight suit, commended the United States armed forces for their effort in the Iraq War by referencing Lubbock, Texas.
“I have with me Coach Tommy Tuberville, who tells me Iraq is just like Lubbock, and if that’s the case you know what incredible sacrifices our young men had to make to fight in such a horrible area of the world!” said Bush.
“The Tigris River reminds me so much of the Cactus Theater in Lubbock,” said Tuberville. ”There are many similarities, so I am well aware of the effort our military men went to fighting in Iraq!”
Tuberville added if the Tigris River had shows commending the music of Wayland Jennings, IRAQ and LUBBOCK would be absolutely identical.
General Schwarzkopf announces he will train his troops in Lubbock
LUBBOCK, TEXAS–General Norman Schwarzkopf, a United States Army general, has told Stars and Stripes newspaper he is taking 16,000 infantry soldiers as well as 4,500 Abrams tanks to Lubbock, Texas to train for a possible military confrontation in Iraq should Saddam Hussein not remove his Iraqi forces from Kuwait as dictated by the United Nations.
“The reason we are taking the troops to Lubbock, is because we wanted to assimilate conditions as horrible as Iraq,” said Schwarzkopf. “And Coach Tommy Tuberville has told us the conditions in Lubbock are exactly like Iraq, so what better place to train than Lubbock?”
Schwarzkopf said he might have to bomb a bunch of cotton farms around Lubbock as well as the Buddy Holly Museum for target practice, but he expects the damage will be held at a minimum.
“Coach Tuberville said there are some great people out in Lubbock, and we don’t want to harm them,” said Schwarzkopf.
Colin Powell tells UN, fighting a war in Iraq would be like going to Lubbock
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–The New York Times is reporting that Secretary of State Colin Powell appeared before the Security Council at the United Nations today with football coach Tommy Tuberville to make a case that as bad as it would be for commit soldiers to Iraq, the United States was willing to do so if Iraq dictator Saddam Hussein did not get rid of his weapons of mass destruction.
“We don’t want to have to send our troops to Iraq,” said Powell. “As Coach Tuberville is here to tell you, sending these young men to Iraq would be like sending them to Lubbock, Texas, and no one wants to do that to their military.”
“I talked to the several members of the Security Council, including France, Russia, China and Germany, and all agree sending troops to a place that looks like Lubbock would be inhumane,” said Tuberville.
The UNSC agreed that while peacekeeping missions to Somalia, Sudan and Rwanda are one thing, a trip to any place that looks like Lubbock, Texas is a whole’nother ballgame.
Now, for some other angles along this storyline:
Political dissidents sentenced to Lubbock petition to be moved to Siberia
MOSCOW, RUSSIA–The Muzykalnaya Pravda is reporting tonight that dozens of political dissidents that have been sentenced by Russian Czar Peter the Great to Lubbock, Texas, have petitioned the Kremlin to be moved to concentration camps in Siberia.
“The discontent for Lubbock was stirred up by some recent remarks by Coach Tommy Tuberville,” said Peter the Great. “Tubbs was quoted all over the country as saying going to Lubbock is like going to Siberia, and the way the prisoners looked at it, is if it’s as bad in Lubbock as it is Siberia, why not move to Siberia where you can at least be in Asia?”
“If your purpose is imprisonment and exile, well, Lubbock and Siberia serve the same purpose,” said Tuberville. “I’m not saying one is worse than the other, I’m just saying all things being equal I would rather be in Cincinnati.”
Saddam Hussein turns Tuberville over to the Hague
BAGHDAD, IRAQ–The Basaer News is reporting tonight that Iraq dictator Saddam Hussein has made an official complaint to the International Criminal Court located at the Hague about crimes against humanity regarding the conduct of Texas Tech football coach Tommy Tuberville.
“We were watching TV, and all of a sudden video came up of Coach Tuberville smacking the hell out of one of his assistants right on international TV,” said Tariq Aziz, a close advisor to Hussein. “Saddam could not believe how poorly Tubbs was treating his subordinates. Over here in Iraq, that would never be tolerated. So we got on the phone with the Hague at once to report this atrocity!”
The Basaer News said it reached out to Tuberville for comment, but he had left for Cincinnati and no one in Lubbock knew how to get in contact with him.
Tuberville moves to Siberia!
NOVOKUZNETSK, SIBERIA–The Russian News Agency TASS has reported that former Auburn football coach Tommy Tuberville has turned down the heading coaching job at Texas Tech University, preferring to take employment as an explorer in the Siberian wilderness.
“I won’t have the benefits of running water, electricity, and it is freezing cold in Siberia, but it still beats the hell out of living in Lubbock,” said Tuberville.
Tuberville said every time he weighed the positives and negatives of living in Lubbock or Siberia, Siberia was always more appealing.
“I like the mountains,” he said. “Here I can always get to the Ural Mountains in a day or two. In Lubbock I’d have to run all the way up to Angel Fire. I like the water. In Lubbock I could go to Lake Alan Henry, but that’s no where near as impressive as the Lear River!”
WAKING UP THOSE ECHOS!!!
The White House is already under seize, as well it should be. We all know the Russians have made full penetration–all the way to the Lincoln Bedroom–by using insidious malware, fake Facebook accounts and bogus Twitter tweets to alter the course of events in the United States by manipulating public opinion. The University of Notre Dame joined forces with the Russians recently in taking on the White House, when a bunch of its graduates walked out on commencement speaker Mike Pense in protest of the administration’s position on gay rights, immigration and sanctuary cities. Of course the story got national coverage, but Notre Dame has always been pretty good at manufacturing headlines and even better at mythmaking. No athletic program has as many storied names as the Irish so…imagine the headlines that could have been generated if some of the sacrosanct Notre Dame legends walked out of their graduations:
Knute Rockne walks out of graduation to protest the Ford Motor Company
SOUTH BEND, INDIANA–The Detroit Free Press is reporting that commencement exercises at the University of Notre Dame where disrupted when Knute Rockne, a chemistry major from Chicago who is credited with involvement of the innovation of the forward pass, walked out of graduation in protest over graduation speaker Henry Ford, founder and CEO of the Ford Motor Company.
“Mr. Ford’s position on labor unions makes me want to be a snowflake,” said the gregarious Rockne. “Any one who beats their workers with clubs as opposed to working toward a collective bargaining agreement should not be allowed on this campus.”
Reverend John Zahm, supervisor of Notre Dame, said there are only two logical explanations as to why Rockne walked out. ”I know Rock is trying to get Studebaker, a Ford competitor, to name a car after him,” said Zahn. “Or there is the possibility Rock is on crack!”
Rudy Ruettiger walks out of graduation to protest the Securities and Exchange Commission
SOUTH BEND, INDIANA–The ABC Evening News is reporting that graduation ceremonies at the University of Notre Dame were disrupted when Rudy Ruettiger, a non-descript walk-on from Chicago, walked out in protest of commencement speaker William J. Casey, head of the Securities and Exchange Commission.
“I’m a little leery of the Securities and Exchange Commission,” said Ruettiger. “I’m involved in a few shady operations like pump and dump stocks, those guys from the SEC aren’t big fans of artificially inflating a company’s stock value, then selling your shares while they are high, so I’m certainly not going to be a fan of the head of the SEC.”
Notre Dame president Theodore Hesburgh said he was reluctant to comment on the situation because he has absolutely no idea who Rudy Ruettiger is or what makes him significant.
SOUTH BEND, INDIANA–The Newark Star Ledger is reporting that local football standout Joe Theismann from South River, New Jersey, plans on walking out of his graduation ceremonies at the University of Notre Dame to protest to presence of commencement speaker Archie Bunker, an overbearing bigot with a reactionary conservative attitude.
“My main problem with Archie is he is always telling Polish jokes,” said Theismann. “And Poland is right near where my parents are from in Hungary!”
“Joe has always had the finest of ethics, so I’m sure not going to blame him, or hold it against him, if he walks out,” said Cathy Lee Crosby, a pen pal of Theismann’s from Los Angeles who hosts the TV show That’s Incredible.
Joe Montana walks out of graduation to protest wealth and privilege
SOUTH BEND, INDIANA–Notre Dame quarterback Joe Montana has told the Pittsburgh Post Gazette that he intends to walk out on his graduation next week at the University of Notre Dame to protest commencement speaker J.R. Ewing, a conniving, manipulative, amoral oilman from Dallas, Texas.
“The thing that has always bothered me about J.R. and that whole Ewing gang, is if they are so dirty filthy rich, how come three generations of them all live under the same roof?” asked Montana.
“This is a fair question and Joe has the right to ask it,” said Notre Dame president Father Theodore Hesburgh. “We encourage youngsters like Joe to ask challenging questions and I’m proud of Joe for doing it!”
George Gipp walks out of graduation to protest exploitation of women
SOUTH BEND, INDIANA–Grantland Rice, an award-winning columnist for the New York Tribune, is reporting that all-American football player George Gipp walked out of graduation ceremonies at the University of Notre Dame in protest of commencement speaker Flo Ziegfeld, founder of the Ziegfeld Follies.
“I feel Mr. Ziegfeld is very unfair with the Ziegfeld Girls,” said Gipp. “He refuses to introduce me to any of them, and what is the point of being an all-American football player if you can’t meet a Ziegfeld Girl?”
W.C. Fields, a comedian who tours with the Ziegfeld Follies, said he once thought of introducing Gipp to Doris Eaton, but was concerned she might get infatuated with Gipp’s predilection for poker, pool and gambling.
Paul Hornung walks out of graduation to protest sexual innuendo
SOUTH BEND, INDIANA–Sports Illustrated, a sporting magazine owned by Time, Inc. has an upcoming blockbuster series forthcoming on why Heisman Trophy winner Paul Hornung walked out of Notre Dame graduation ceremonies to protest commencement speaker Elvis Presley, an entertainer out of Tupelo, Mississippi.
“I got very offended by the way Elvis gyrated his hips on the Ed Sullivan Show,” said Hornung. “The way he worked that crowd into a screaming frenzy and just generally conducted himself goes against the mission statement of Notre Dame.”
A spokesman for Presley said the theme of Presley’s talk, “The making of Love Me Tender” is something the running back could have benefited from.
A spokesman for Notre Dame said Presley’s performance on the Ed Sullivan Show was no more despicable than Hornung’s habit of associating with undesirable persons with underworld connections.
Manti Te’o walks out of graduation to protest fictional characters
SOUTH BEND, INDIANA–The Honolulu Advertiser is reporting tonight that local high school legend Manti Te’o has walked out of his graduation ceremonies at the University of Notre Dame to protest commencement speaker Samantha Jones, the owner of a public relations firm in New York City.
“I really don’t have a problem just because Samantha has an insatiable sexual appetite and so brazen about it,” said Te’o. “And all her brief affairs and indifference to monogamy doesn’t bother me at all. What bothers me, is she is a fictional character! And I’ve already been burned by fictional characters and I’m not going to let it happen again!”
Those who are close to Te’o said he is still not over the embarrassment he suffered with his relationship to Lenney Ketua, a Stanford volleyball player who turned out to be a fictional character. “I was born in the wrong era,” said Te’o. “Lenney is every bit as legit as George Gipp’s deathbed request to Coach Rockne. Had things like Facebook and Twitter been around then, Rock would have been exposed as a fake and a fraud. But I’m the one who got burned by fiction, and if I listened to Jonesy’s speech it would have looked like I didn’t learn my lesson.”
Skylar Diggins walks out of graduation to protest The Harlem Shake
SOUTH BEND, INDIANA–Cardinal Timothy Dolan, Archibishop of New York City, has told the New York Times that he had a controversial experience when he delivered the commencement address at the University of Notre Dame and basketball star Skylar Diggins, who led Notre Dame to three straight Final Fours, walked out of the ceremony.
“Cardinal Dolan wanted all the graduates to do the Harlem Shake as we were being presented our diplomas,” said Diggins. “And whereas I have nothing against the Harlem Shake, I just think college graduation is not the time and place to be doing it.”
“Skylar just might be being a little disingenuous here,” said Dolan. “I don’t think she has the rhythm to do the Harlem Shake, and that’s why she walked out! And for any soul sister not to have the shoulder and hip movements to do the Harlem Shake is completely, totally, absolutely unacceptable!”
Mike Golic walks out of graduation to attend Toga Party
SOUTH BEND, INDIANA–Jose Napoleon Duarte, president of El Salvador, has told the El Diario de Hoy newspaper of San Salvador that he enjoyed being the commencement speaker at the University of Notre Dame, but there was a minor glitch, when football player Mike Golic, who was drafted in the 10th round by the Houston Oilers, left the ceremony early to attend a Toga Party on campus.
“There was a bit of a misunderstanding,” said Duarte. “When Mike got up and started walking out, I thought it was to protest me joining the Revolutionary Government Junta, but I was told later there was a Toga Party on campus, and Mike never misses Toga Parties!”
“Who can blame him for wanting to dress up in a bedsheet and get his sandals on, and start acting like a foolish Roman emperor, and attack those kegs like my soldiers went after those guerrilla groups in the Salvadorian Civil War?” asked Duarte.
Share this post!