Alabama politics has always had a sketch comedy quality to it, whether it was George Wallace standing in the doorway, Guy Hunt using taxpayer money to buy marble showers, or Don Siegelman getting accused of shaking down every landfill contractor, real estate developer and highway engineer from Gulf Shores to Florence. But the Heart of Dixie was set to take it to another level when former Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville actually fiddled with the idea of running for Alabama governor. Politicians from Trump to Schwarzenegger have sold voters on the idea that the people want “a leader not a politician” and Tubbs has sure been perceived a leader…unless you have pen pals in Lubbock and Cincinnati. But this one appeared to be a combination of Walter Mitty’s fantastic daydreams and Don Quixote’s impractical ideals rolled into one. Seriously, what does Tubbs know about the landscape of politics? Montgomery is populated by some of the most savvy politicians in the world; does Tubbs really think he could belly up to the bar with the likes of Moore, Riley, Hooper, James, etc.?????
But a Tuberville term would have sure been interesting. In fact, here is some legislation he could have put into play:
Shoot down any Colonial Bank private planes scheduled to meet with Bobby Petrino
MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA–The Louisville Courier is reporting tonight that newly-elected Alabama governor Tommy Tuberville is planning on proposing a government bill which would require military bases all across the state of Alabama to shoot down any Colonial Bank private planes which may be in destination to meet with Louisville head football coach Bobby Petrino.
“It’s great to have the green light,” said Lt. General Steven Kwast, head of Maxwell Air Force Base in Montgomery. “Very rarely does an F-16 fighter pilot get permission to just close in on a general aviation airplane and blow it to smithereens, so our guys were really excited about this opportunity.”
“Our job is to train, educate and develop Army Aviation professionals so this will give a lot of young soldiers a chance to prove themselves,” said General William Gayler, commander of Fort Rucker. “And we would like to thank Governor Tuberville for having the foresight to pass such viable laws that will allow us a chance a some great target practice, and just blast those Colonial Bank planes out of the sky!”
Pass legislation requiring colleagues to pick up the tab when he walks out of a lunch function
MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA–Newly-elected Alabama governor Tommy Tuberville has told the Washington Post that this Monday he will propose legislation which would require colleagues to pick up the tab for lunch should he decide to walk out in the middle of the function.
“I’m putting this in place as a preventive measure,” said Tuberville. “I was put in a very embarrassing situation at Texas Tech when I took a group of recruits to lunch, then got a call for Cincinnati offering me the head coaching position. So what could I do? I just walked out on those kids and felt I had every Constitutional right to do so.”
Tuberville said he will be speaking to the Huntsville Chamber of Commerce next week, and in the middle of the luncheon if he feels like changing jobs and walking off, he doesn’t want anything saying he stiffed them on the bill.
“I just think it’s good business to have things in writing,” he said.
Use charter school money for tackling dummies at Auburn
MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA–WAKA-TV in Montgomery has reported that newly-elected governor Tommy Tuberville plans on taking $800,000 of state money earmarked for charter schools in Birmingham, Athens and Macon County and use it to buy tackling dummies for the Auburn Tigers football team.
“I feel this is the best use for our taxpayer money,” said Tuberville. “Auburn was clearly very mediocre in blocking and tackling last fall, and by buying the Tigers $800,000 worth of good functional tackling dummies, it will allow them to improve in these areas vastly.”
“I really appreciate the effort Governor Tuberville is making towards our football program,” said Auburn coach Gus Malzahn. “This kind of commitment will ensure we will be one of the best programs in the SEC.”
“It certainly is nice to know we have a governor who spends money wisely,” said Auburn athletic director Jay Jacobs.
Find a space capsule to send Colin Cowherd to the moon
MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA–The Huntsville Times is reporting that newly-elected Alabama governor Tommy Tuberville has asked the U.S. Space and Rocket Center in Huntsville to locate an Earth Orbital Spacecraft in its inventory to send Colin Cowherd of Fox Sports Radio to the moon.
“Actually I don’t care if they send him to the moon, to the rings of Saturn or to Mars, just someplace where we don’t have to listen to his silly show,” said Tuberville, who feels Cowherd goes way out of his way to take potshots at Auburn, Alabama and the SEC.
“We are going to recommend to Governor Tuberville that we use the Space Shuttle Pathfinder, which we feel is in good enough condition to satisfy the objectives of Governor Tuberville,” said Space and Rocket Center Director Dr. Deborah Barnhart. “And we can also throw in a lunar rover so Colin has some flexibility in travel once he gets to the moon.”
Build a state-of-the-art maximum security prison with the understanding all inmates must root for Auburn on Saturday
MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA–The Birmingham News has learned that newly-inaugurated governor Tommy Tuberville plans to build a state-of-the-art maximum security prison in Wetumpka with the requirement that all male inmates root for the Auburn Tigers each weekend.
“Right now Alabama prisons are noted for inhumane treatments, violence and overcrowding,” said Tuberville. “But we would like to add some positives to the equation. And we feel if we could get all the guys to root for the Auburn Tigers each weekend, it would really develop some camaraderie among the inmates and get rival gangs pulling together, instead of always undermining each other.”
“Tubbs is really on to something,” said Jeff Dunn, director of Alabama Department of Corrections. “The biggest problems in prisons today is finding functional things for the prisoners to do. There is only so much cooking and cleaning and field work a guy can do. But if he had the option of rooting for the Auburn Tigers each Saturday I feel the Department of Corrections would be on its way to some real cutting-edge therapy!”
Make Debra Mason the superintendent for the Department of Education
MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA–Bill Britt of the Alabama Political Reporter is reporting tonight that newly-elected Alabama governor Tommy Tuberville will soon announce that he is hiring Debra Mason to be the superintendent for the State Department of Education in Alabama.
“Coach Tubbs wants someone who can apply core academic skills to real world situations through collaboration with peers in problem solving and has a desire to be a life-long learner,” said Britt. “And if Debra proved anything in the last administration, she proved she is that and more!”
“We are going to ask Deb to develop a unified ready plan for all students from K to 12,” said Tuberville. “And based on the kind of readiness she displayed with the last administration, there is no question in my mind she can do it.”
“My first goal is to develop a sense of civil responsibility in our students to ensure the learning environment is safe and civil,” said Mason.
Make Mike Hubbard chief of the Poarch Creek Indians
MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA–The Mobile Register is reporting tonight that newly-elected Governor Tommy Tuberville has decided to make former Alabama speaker of the house and convicted felon Mike Hubbard the chief of the Poarch Creek Indian Tribe.
“Mike really deserves this honor,” said Tuberville. “He had a huge hand in making sure the Poarch Creek Indians had a monopoly on casinos in this state so the least we can do is make him chief of the tribe.”
Tuberville was asked if he feels all the campaign contributions the Indians made to PACs controlled by Hubbard persuaded Hubbard to protect the Indians’ monopoly?
“That’s like asking me if we should practice in pads or just helmets,” he replied.
Put a gambling casino on the Alabama campus
MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA–A spokesperson for the governor’s office in Montgomery announced today that a top priority of newly-elected Governor Tommy Tuberville is going to be to install a gambling casino on the campus of the University of Alabama…with all profits going to the Auburn recruiting budget.
“This will be a great way to generate revenue that Auburn can recruit with,” said spokesperson Arnold Wyrick. “The governor still feels loyalty to Auburn for all those great years he spent there, and wants to do anything he can to help them be successful.”
“This is a pretty unfair advantage in many ways,” said Alabama coach Nick Saban. “But I am not completely opposed to it, because it will be a neat activity for our student body to blow their parent’s hard-earned money on things like roulette tables and blackjack games, plus, I really don’t think Auburn could out-recruit me even with such an advantage.”
Construction for the site will begin immediately.
Reassign Steve Marshall to tour guide at Concordia Station, Antarctica
MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA–Newly elected governor Tommy Tuberville has told the Montgomery Advertiser that he is reassigning Attorney General Steve Marshall to the position of tour guide at Concordia Station, Antarctica effective immediately. Concordia Station is a research facility on the Antarctica Plateau with a polar ice cap climate where temperatures can drop as low as -62C making it the coldest climate in the world.
“My feeling is simply that Steve can do more for the citizens of Alabama if we position him at Concordia than he is doing at attorney general,” said Tuberville.
Tuberville cited the fact that Alabamians must perceive his administration as one that will take down crooked politicians, not give them a free lunch, and he feels Marshall’s call to let former Governor Robert Bentley slide on multiple ethics violations and refuse to even consider prosecuting Jefferson County lawmakers on ethics violations was less than satisfactory.
“I feel he will be much more fruitful to those astronomy scientists in Antarctica,” said Tuberville.
Officially nickname Bob Riley “Bingo Bob”
MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA–The Atlanta Constitution is reporting tonight, that newly-elected Alabama Tommy Tuberville will be passing legislation to officially nickname former Alabama governor Bob Riley “Bingo Bob” for ordering his task force to conduct predawn raids on bingo parlors around the state confiscating electronic bingo machines.
“It was one of the most courageous stands in this history of American politics, and Bob should be honored for his valor,” said Tuberville.
Riley shut down more than 30 gambling halls and put 2,000 people out of work.
“Actually, the main reason I did it was to get Jessie Jackson to come lead a march in Montgomery,” said Riley. “I know he has a lot of fans in the central Alabama, they enjoyed getting his autograph and listening to him tell stories about all the bingo machines I smashed apart!”
Pass legislation stipulating that if the Alabama Shakespeare Theater puts on a Biblical production, Roy Moore gets to play Moses
MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA–The Dothan Eagle is reporting tonight that newly-elected governor Tommy Tuberville has asked the directors of the Alabama Shakespeare Theater if they perform any Biblical productions, former Chief Justice Roy Moore gets to play the part of Moses.
“I think Moses would be proud of us,” said Tuberville. “We all know Moses is the one who went up Mount Sinai to get the Ten Commandments, but Judge Moore is the one who really brought them into focus with his insistence on displaying them in his courtroom and in the Rotunda.”
“I think it would be a real honor to play the part of Moses,” said Moore, adding, “and I’m going to lobby with the folks at the Alabama Shakespeare Theater to try to get Sandra Bullock to play the role of Queen Nefertiti. Now wouldn’t that be something!”
Invite Richard Scrushy to sing at the governor’s inauguration ball
MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA–John Archibald of Al.com is reporting tonight that Richard Scrushy, who was once indicted for bribery, extortion, racketeering and obstruction of justice, will sing at newly-elected governor Tommy Tuberville’s inauguration ball which will be held this Thursday at the Alabama Governor’s Mansion.
“I don’t think Governor Tuberville is aware of Mr. Scrushy’s legal problems in this state,” said Archibald. “He just felt Mr. Scrushy’s band, Dallas County Line, had a great sound in their song, ‘Honk If You Love To Honky Tonk’ and insisted they be invited sing at his inauguration ball.”
“This is going to be a step up for me,” said Scrushy. “All of our performances to date have been at HealthSouth conferences and company meetings, giving us an excuse to use the company aircraft. But now we are in the big time!”
Pass legislation stipulating Jimmy Rane can not use the term “Yella Fella” unless an individual of Asian ethnicity appears in his commercials
MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA–Time Magazine is reporting that newly-elected Alabama governor Tommy Tuberville plans on introducing legislation stipulating that Great Southern Wood CEO Jimmy Rane can not use the term “Yella Fella” in his TV commercials unless an individual of Asian ethnicity makes at least a cameo appearance.
“This is due to the fallout we got over the Jeff Sessions appointment to Attorney General and critics said Jeff normalized racism in Alabama,” said Tuberville. “We have to make sure we don’t give the naysayers any reason to accuse us of racism and we want to make sure beyond the shadow of a doubt that Jimmy’s commercials are politically correct.”
Great Southern Wood, in a prepared statement, said, “This legislation is ridiculous. The term ‘Yella Fella’ has always referred to pressure treated lumber, and has nothing to do with race, color or creed.”
“Tuberville’s legislation appears to be the Chinese Exclusion Act in reverse,” editorialized Time Magazine. “And this legislation might not be unconstitutional.”
Get Luther Strange a job draining swamps in Gulf Shores
MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA–The Boston Globe is reporting that newly-elected Alabama governor Tommy Tuberville plans on using his connections with the Alabama Department of Conservation and Natural Resources to get United States senator Luther Strange a job draining swamps in Gulf Shores.
“The reason I am getting Luther a job draining the swamps, is because I became a little concerned watching the campaign ads he is running on TV,” said Tuberville. “He keeps saying he ‘drained the swamp in Alabama,’ intimating he had something to do with the downfall of corrupt politicians Mike Hubbard and Bob Bentley, when nothing could be farther from the truth. But if he were to really get a job digging some drainage ditches and canals, plus working on some marsh restoration projects, then he really could with a clear conscious say, ‘I drained the swamp in Alabama.’”
“I think Tubbs has a great idea and I’m really looking forward to this job,” said Strange. “Those ecologists down in Gulf Shores are gonna see first hand why they called me ‘The Big Bunny’ when I played at Tulane!”
Pass legislation requiring Bill Canary be the drummer at all ZZ Top concerts held in Alabama
MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA–The Washington Post has learned that newly-elected Alabama governor Tommy Tuberville plans on revising entertainment laws in Alabama which will stipulate the rock band ZZ Top must use Republican campaign consultant and lobbyist Bill Canary as the drummer for any concerts it holds in Alabama.
“Bill has done so much for the people of Alabama, and it is well known he loves ZZ Top, so I think it’s only fitting that legislation be forthcoming letting him be part of ZZ Top shows when they are in Alabama,” said Tuberville.
“This should be more fun than railroading Don Siegleman,” said Canary.”
“I don’t know what Bill knows about music,” said ZZ Top lead vocalist Dusty Hill, “but anyone who loves Mike Hubbard like a brother is aces with me!”
Propose Legislation allowing Spencer Collier to take medical leave any time he wants!
MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA–The Birmingham News is reporting that newly-elected governor Tommy Tuberville plans on enacting legislation which would stipulate that former Alabama Law Enforcement Secretary Spencer Collier gets to take paid medical leave whenever he wants, for however long he wants, for whatever reason he wants and…he doesn’t even have to be sick!
“This is kinda a reward for Spence,” said Tuberville. “Spencer kinda got worked over pretty bad by the last administration, and the state of Alabama really owes it to him to kinda make up for it in some form or fashion. And this way is really ideal.”
Asked how he can justify authorizing paid medical leave for an employee who is not even sick, Tuberville said, “As Robert Bentley would put it, ‘I am Capo di tutti Capi I can do whatever I want!’”
Collier agreed it is about time that philosophy worked for him, as opposed to against him.
On to, THE CURIOUS CASE OF FOX NEWS
It was almost as if Rupert Murdoch woke up one morning and discovered his news department was on its way to a Guinness Book of World Records for naughty, perverse behavior. Every celebrated, ravishing female TV personality with the exception of Erin Andrews seemed to come forth with incredible accusations of unwelcome advances by the heaviest hitters in the organization, and the next thing you knew Fox News was the target of every saber-toothed woman’s rights advocate from Gloria Allred’s daughter on down. Heavy hitting advertisers from John Deere to Microsoft were leaving the company like rats from a burning barn and a staggering array of resignation announcements appeared for the same kind of deviant activity. In the news stories that followed all you had to do was change the nouns, everything else was similar as some of the biggest names in broadcasting fell like dominoes. President Roger Ailes, Vice President Bill Shine, superstar anchor Bill O’Reilly. BILL O’REILLY IS OUT? Wasn’t he untouchable? Guess Not. But imagine a list of things O’Reilly could do in college athletics while he waits for his next broadcasting gig? Here are some:
Take S.A.T.s for John Calipari recruits
LEXINGTON, KENTUCKY–Kentucky head basketball coach John Calipari has told Dave Baker of the SEC Network that former Fox anchor Bill O’Reilly will be his official SAT test taker for Wildcat basketball recruits.
“I can’t have any more screw-ups like the Derrick Rose case,” said Calipari. “I just need someone who can take the test, not make a song and dance out of it, and get a passing grade. Bill is uniquely qualified for this because he is a tall guy, someone who could pass for a basketball player, and being that he is a Harvard grad, you know he can pass it.”
“Keeping the Cats eligible is now my number one goal,” said O’Reilly. “I’ll admit it is a bit unethical, not to mention highly illegal, for an individual to be taking a college entrance test in place of another person, but Cal and I both agree, with places like North Carolina keeping guys eligible through their paper classes program, a school like Kentucky must keep pace with the cheating going on in NCAA athletics.”.
Drive Sooner Schooner
NORMAN, OKLAHOMA–Oklahoma head football coach Bob Stoops has announced that former Fox news anchor Bill O’Reilly will spend the 2017 football season driving the Sooner Schooner, a Conestoga wagon used by settlers of the Oklahoma territory at the time of the Oklahoma Land Rush and now serves as the official mascot of OU sports.
“This will give me an exciting feel as to how the first settlers of the territory must have felt when they entered the unoccupied lands early and essentially cheated to make their claim,” said O’Reilly.
“Fox News and the Oklahoma settlement are basically the same concept,” said former OU coach Barry Switzer. “So Bill should feel right at home.”
“I’ll bet Bill is the best driver in the history of the Sooner Schooner,” said former OU Heisman Trophy winner Billy Sims.
Make sure no hookers enter Louisville athletic dorm
LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY–At least three former Louisville basketball recruits have told ESPN’s Outside the Lines that former Fox news anchor Bill O’Reilly has been hired by the university to keep watch over the school’s athletic dorm and make sure no prostitutes are allowed in the building.
“This is a real bummer,” said one of the recruits who asked for anonymity. “Used to be, you’d go in the athletic dorm and Katina Powell and her staff were ready to do lap dances and be your escort. Now, with that big doofus O’Reilly standing there, those gals can’t get in the door.”
Athletic director Tom Jurich said O’Reilly has been a tremendous help to Louisville in this capacity. “Bill is a pretty street smart guy,” said Jurich. “He knows where the hole in the donut is located. And his ability to identify prostitutes and keep them out of the athletic dorm will no doubt save us much grief from the NCAA!”
Notre Dame Leprechaun
SOUTH BEND, INDIANA–Notre Dame football coach Brian Kelly has told the Chicago Tribune that former Fox anchor Bill O’Reilly will serve this upcoming football season as the Notre Dame Leprechaun, mascot for all Fighting Irish sports teams.
“This is a natural,” said Kelly. “The Notre Dame Leprechaun is noted for doing the Irish Jig, a folk dance Bill grew up with and loves to do.”
“I am going to have to grow a chinstrap beard,” said O’Reilly. “But it’s a challenge I think I am up to.”
“Bill O’Reilly and Notre Dame mascot go together like horse and carriage,” said former Notre Dame basketball coach Digger Phelps.
Ride the USC Trojan mascot
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA–Dr. Max Mikias, president of the University of Southern California, has told the Los Angeles Times that former Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly will be this year’s rider of Traveler VII, the horse which serves as the school’s official mascot.
“Bill has always been accused of being on a high horse,” said Nikias. “But that was figuratively, now, he really is on a high horse!”
O’Reilly said he is looking forward to dressing up as a Trojan warrior, marching in the Rose Bowl Parade and hawking his books to USC alumni all throughout the metropolitan Los Angeles area.
Monitor tattoo parlors in Columbus, Ohio
COLUMBUS, OHIO–Ohio State football coach Urban Meyer has told the Detroit Free Press that his school, as a precautionary measure, will deploy former Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly outside of tattoo parlors in the Columbus area with instructions to be on the lookout for any Buckeye players who might be patronizing these businesses, receiving improper benefits.
“We don’t want a repeat of the year Terrelle Pryor was screwing around in those joints, and Ohio State ended up having to suspend its best player for half the season,” said Meyer. “And with Bill’s cooperation and work ethic we can pull this off.”
O’Reilly said he highly suspected Greta van Susteren and Megyn Kelly of getting illegal tattoos when they worked at Fox News, so he knows the tell-tale signs. “If Greta and Megyn couldn’t hoodwink me, do you think the Ohio State Buckeyes can?” said O’Reilly.
Women’s rights attorney Lisa Bloom said she feels O’Reilly would be ideal for this kind of work.
Teach no show classes at North Carolina
CHAPEL HILL, NORTH CAROLINA–Rashad McCants, star of North Carolina’s 2005 NCAA Championship team has told Sports Illustrated that former Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly has been hired as an adjunct professor at his alma mater to teach in the school’s fabled “paper classes” curriculum.
“This position really appealed to Bill for many reasons,” said Mary Willingham, former staff member at the University of North Carolina. “There are no lectures to give, no papers to grade, and since virtually all of the students read on a fifth grade level, Bill shouldn’t have any problem convincing them he is smarter than they.”
“This is the best job I have ever had!” said O’Reilly. “And I thought the fix was in when I investigated the Justice Department!”
WACO, TEXAS–The Dallas Morning News is reporting that Baylor University has hired former Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly to shadow women’s basketball coach Kim Mulkey and make sure she doesn’t say anything as remarkably stupid as she said at the end of February after her 500th win.
“We are alarmed Kim would say a scandal that brought down a president, an athletic director and a head football coach, and involved 52 reported rape cases, is no different than other colleges,” the school said in a prepared statement. “So we obviously don’t need any more negative publicity so what we are going to do, is have Bill advise Kim on her comments before she says them.”
“Actually I’m not going to be damage control so much as I’m going to prevent damage from being done,” said O’Reilly. “I’m just going to follow Kim to press conferences, and when it looks like she’s getting the urge to start talking trash, I’m going to break in and start telling them press why they need to do more book reviews on Killing Reagan or Killing Kennedy, and divert the attention from the low road to the high road.”
Make sure Nevin Shapiro stays in jail
MIAMI, FLORIDA–Blake James, director of athletics at the University of Miami, has announced that Miami, in conjunction with Butner Federal Correctional Complex in North Carolina, has hired Bill O’Reilly to serve as a security guard to make sure Nevin Shapiro does not escape.
“Last time Nevin was out, he was providing our guys with cash, good prostitutes and strippers,” said James. “And those are actions we here at Miami will simply not tolerate.”
“The concern among law enforcement is that the 72 athletes Nevin allegedly paid over two million dollars to supply these illegal benefits to, might try to break into the prison and free him,” said O’Reilly. “That way they can get more illegal benefits. And that’s what I’m here to protect against!”
Coastal Carolina cheerleader sponsor
CONWAY, SOUTH CAROLINA–Coastal Carolina University president David A. DeCenzo has told the Charlotte Observer that former Fox news anchor Bill O’Reilly will spend the 2017-18 school year serving as chaperone for the school’s cheerleading squad.
“It’s this simple, our cheerleaders have been accused of rampant use of alcohol, drugs, binge drinking, under-age drinking, stripping at gentleman’s clubs and even prostitution,” said DeCenzo. “So we obviously need to keep an eye on them, especially when the Chanticleers make road trips to places like Troy, Alabama and Boone, North Carolina. And we felt Bill is the one no-nonsense guy we could rely on to keep tabs on them.”
“Working at Fox newsroom all these years has given me insight into all the kind of stuff,” said O’Reilly. “So I should be ready to face this challenge!”
DeCenzo said he feels if O’Reilly is successful, he could envision the Chanticleers getting an invitation for membership into the ACC or SEC.
Tell Amos Alonzo Stagg stories with Bobby Bowden
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA–Sanker Suryanarayan of Princeton University, and a member of the NCAA Infractions Committee, has told MSNBC that former Florida State football coach Bobby Bowden has received a public reprimand for telling a bunch of Amos Alonzo Stag stories to former Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly, which is a minor violation of NCAA rules. O’Reilly, in turn, must pay a $5,000 fine and spend the 2017-2018 school year exchanging stories with Bowden on Stagg, touching on everything from his playing days Yale to his coaching days from the University of Chicago to Stockton College in California, inventing such staples of the game as the man in motion and the lateral pass along the way.
“This case was resolved through the summary disposition process, where the involved parties collectively submit written statements to the Infractions Committee,” said Sanker. “And both Mr. O”Reilly and Coach Bowden were very cooperative throughout the entire investigation process.”
“It was not meant to get a competitive advantage or anything of that nature,” said Bowden. “Bill and I were simply unaware that telling Amos Alonzo Stagg stories is an NCAA violation.”
Shoot upskirt shots of VIRGINIA cheerleaders
CHARLOTTSVILLE, VIRGINIA–The Washington Post is reporting that the University of Virginia has hired former Fox New anchor Bill O’Reilly to spend the 2017-18 school year shooting upskirt shots of the Cavalier cheerleaders at all Virginia sporting events.
“Wahoo alums have requested these shots for years, but finding someone who would actually get out there and do it was another story,” said Virginia provost Sanders Huguenin. “But after I read about Bill in the New York Times I figured we had our man.”
“There is no question in my mind Virginia hired the right guy,” said former Fox News anchor Andrea Tantaros.
“This is probably the wisest thing Virginia has ever done since they recruited Ralph Sampson,” said women’s rights lawyer Lisa Bloom.
Help with stadium expansion at Georgia
ATHENS, GEORGIA–University of Georgia athletic director Greg McGarity has told the New York Times that ousted Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly will spend the summer helping out with a 63 million dollar facility project the UGA athletic board approved last spring to upgrade its football complex.
UGA president Jere Morehead said having O’Reilly wok on the construction crew will give Georgia a “competitive advantage.”
“That boy is hell on wheels with a hammer,” said UGA head coach Kirby Smart.
“There is no question in my mind our infrastructure will be comparable to anyone in the SEC,” said UGA defensive coordinator Kevin Sherrer.
Clean up Toomer’s Corner
AUBURN, ALABAMA–Auburn athletic director Jay Jacobs has told the Birmingham News that former Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly will spend the 2017-18 school year assisting the cleanup crew after Auburn fans “roll” Toomer’s Corner.
“This is a real win-win situation,” said Jacobs. “With all the free time Bill has on his hands with no ‘Talking Points’ to write, Bill would get bored sitting around doing nothing. And with Bill around it will help the cleanup process immensely. Bill is a big guy, around 6-5, so he can just reach up and pick the paper off the tree limbs, which will save us the inconvenience of having to use high-powered hoses which could damage the leafs and branches.”
“I think I’m really going to enjoy this job,” said O’Reilly. “I just hope the snowflakes on the left don’t start a social activism movement to get me fired here too!
Hang billboards all over the southeast of Florida coach Jim McElwain allegedly humping a dead shark
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–The Wall Street Journal is reporting tonight that several SEC have anonymously hired former Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly to hang billboards all over the southeast of Florida football coach Jim McElwain allegedly humping a dead shark.
“This shows you just how out of control negative recruiting has gotten” said O’Reilly. “Jim steadfastly denies he is the man in the photo, but that doesn’t matter. If you create a small perception in the minds of recruits that Coach McElwain could possibly have a romantic affinity for sharks, it could be the difference between a prospect signing with Florida or not signing with Florida.”
The newspaper quoted a source as saying 60 billboards will be installed from Fort Meyers, Florida to Pigeon Forge, Tennessee with O’Reilly doing most of the heavy lifting.
“This is a very costly project, and in some way reminds me of the finals weeks of the Trump-Clinton campaign,” said O’Reilly.
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