If the picture were legit, Florida was facing a public relations horror that would make the release of Hillary Clinton’s private e-mails by WikiLeaks seem like a bunch of grade school kids gossiping on the playground about the latest Curious George episode. The picture showed some yahoo stark naked on top of a dead shark giving the appearance of copulation and…this guy looked strikingly like Florida football coach Jim McElwain!
Of course, it wasn’t like the picture was plastered on some billboard on Times Square or appeared on the jumbotron at a rival stadium…it was much worse than that, it got on the internet! Now, anyone with a lint ball for a brain could quickly figure out it wasn’t Coach McElwain, but the rumor got so much steam in cyberspace, McElwain actually had to take time at his press conference to address the issue, which is probably a story in and of itself. Some so-called credible journalists called for Florida to investigate and set the record straight and chat rooms on fan websites for rival schools just about blew up the internet, suggesting all kinds of possibilities and giving theories on why it could very well be McElwain.
A TV station in Orlando eventually uncovered the mystery, and reported the guy in the photo is actually a former New York City cop and the picture was taken years ago off the shores of Long Island. But let’s say it was Coach McElwain? How would Florida have handled the situation? Let’s just say damage control would have been on the levels of nuclear disarmament and…we offer our ideas for some of the tactics Florida might have tried to employ:
1) Total Disclosure
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–Entertainment Tonight is reporting that the University of Florida held a press conference today, at which time head football coach Jim McElwain gave full disclosure to his involvement with a picture showing him humping a dead shark while stark naked.
“It was a bad habit I picked up as an undergrad at Eastern Washington,” said McElwain. “The guys in my dorm, if we couldn’t get a date on Friday nights, we would just sit around our dorm rooms humping dead sharks and watching J.R. Ewing on the TV show Dallas. And it just became a habit. I have humped so many dead sharks over the years it has just become second nature.”
McElwain also admitted he was fired as quarterbacks coach of the Oakland Raiders when head coach Art Shell caught him humping a dead shark in the film room when he was supposed to be breaking down video of the New York Jets.
“Coach McElwain clearly has developed a bad habit he is desperately trying to break,” said Florida athletic director Scott Stricklin. “And we intend on standing by him at this uncertain time.”
2)Limit the scope of the problem
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–Florida athletic director Scott Stricklin has told the New York Times that he has had a heart-to-heart talk with Gator head football coach Jim McElwain about his habit of humping dead sharks while stark naked.
“I feel we have identified the problem, and feel it is a problem which can be overcome,” said Stricklin. “But let’s put it in perspective, the guy is humping dead sharks, it’s not like he is flying planes into the World Trade Center. So this is a fixable situation.”
Stricklin said he warned the Florida administration that there could very well be more pictures out there of McElwain humping dead sharks which could surface.
“I can’t say for sure there aren’t any more pictures,” said Stricklin. “I asked Jim if he could give us a ballpark figure of just how many dead sharks he has humped over the years, and he couldn’t definitively say.”
3) Apologize to the faculty
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–The University of Florida faculty, according to a published report in the Wall Street Journal, recently held a closed-door meeting requested by head football coach Jim McElwain, to give McElwain the opportunity to apologize for a picture which surfaced of him humping a dead shark while stark naked.
“I was impressed with Jim’s sincerity,” said Dr. William Flynt, chairman of the UF Math Department. “Jim found serenity humping dead sharks and it is clearly something that spiritually moves him.”
According to sources at the meeting, McElwain vowed to get therapy for his problem, and vowed to give one hundred percent toward kicking this habit.
“You have to admire his guts,” said Dr. Wendy Nichols, chairman of the UF English Literature Department. “Breaking the habit of humping dead sharks while stark naked is unquestionably a tough habit to break, but he is determined to do it.”
4) Apologize to the student body
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–The Independent Florida Alligator, the student newspaper at the University of Florida, has reported Gator head football coach Jim McElwain met with the student body to apologize for a picture of him humping a dead shark while stark naked.
“His speech was downright compelling,” said Louie Sayers, a general business major from Fort Meyers. “The audience fell silent when Coach McElwain told of the time he was a student like us at Eastern Washington, and had to try to sneak dead sharks into his dorm room. He tried to justify it to the dorm director by telling him he was a marine biology major making observations of the shark’s fins.”
“I almost cried when he told the story of having to go cold turkey when he coached at Colorado State,” said Jimmy Yaeger, a waste management major from Ocala. “Seems there were no saltwater sharks around Fort Collins for him to hump, and it turned him into an emotional wreck.”
5) Apologize to the alumni, boosters and fans
BRADENTON, FLORIDA–CNN’s Wolf Blitzer has reported on The Situation Room that Florida football coach Jim McElwain has apologized to the school’s fans and alums at a golf tournament sponsored by Gator Boosters, Inc. at the Concession Golf Course. McElwain was recently photographed humping a dead shark while stark naked.
“Jim was very sincere in his apology and I think we should help the man,” said David Moore, a Florida booster from West Palm Beach. “Shark humping is a disease that could effect any of us, and he is trying to overcome this addiction.”
“There are no telling how many closet shark humpers there are across the nation,” added Zack Espisito, a Gator booster from Naples. “But they are afraid to come forth for fear of what society might think of them.”
“And Coach McElwain has opened up a dialogue on a very sensitive problem,” said Matt Teagens, a Gator booster from Tampa. “Shark humpers should be accepted in our communities without feeling ostracized.”
6) Apologize to the coaching staff
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–The Florida Times-Union in Jacksonville has reported that Florida head football coach Jim McElwain has met with his coaching staff to apologize for the picture of him humping a dead shark while stark naked.
“It was a very moving, emotional meeting,” said one assistant coach who requested anonymity. “Jim is desperately trying to overcome what has become a severe addiction. He told us about the story of how he was the offensive coordinator at Alabama when the Tide played LSU in the BCS Championship in New Orleans. The pressure on him was so overwhelming, the night before the game he went out and humped a dead shark at a pier very close to the French Quarter.”
“I recall Jim came back to the hotel that night smelling kinda fishy,” said Alabama head coach Nick Saban. “I thought he was down at the pier digging clams. I had no idea in my wildest dreams he was down there humping dead sharks!”
7) Apologize to the players
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–ESPN the Magazine has reported that Florida head football coach Jim McElwain held a meeting with his players last evening to discuss the recent picture of him circulating on the internet, where he is humping a dead shark while wearing no clothing.
“He was brutally honest,” said a source who was at the meeting. “He explained to the players that he has humped dead sharks everywhere from Cheney, Washington to St. Augustine, Florida and it has become a irresistible habit he is desperately trying to break.”
“I was so impressed by how unselfish he is,” said another player who attended the meeting. “He told us not to worry about him, just concentrate on beating Alabama and Florida State. He said between athletics and academics players have enough to worry about, without having to worry about their coach humping dead sharks while stark naked.”
McElwain also told the players he has an appointment with a team of neurobiology experts at Duke University later in the month, to try to get some ideas on how to break his habit.
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–Yahoo News is reporting that Florida football coach Jim McElwain was the keynote speaker at a Shark’s Rights Rally held at Clearwater Beach.
“Jim took the opportunity to apologize to us for humping a dead shark while stark naked,” said rally director Linda Weather. “He was very pleasant and I have to say, this is the first time I have ever met a division one football coach who humped a dead shark while stark naked.”
Sources said the afternoon progressed smoothly till McElwain was asked by an audience member if he ever did the Gator Chomp while humping a shark while stark naked.
“Jim thought the question was a little out of line,” said Weathers. “And while he did not directly answer it, he did own up to having worn a Spartan helmet while humping a freshwater shark in Lake Superior back when he coached at Michigan State.”
Weathers said her organization plans on having another rally next month in Fort Lauderdale and McElwain has already agreed to speak at it.
“I’m anxious to hear if he ever humped any dead sharks while stark naked when he coached at Montana State,” said Weathers. “Because I can’t picture there being many dead sharks around Bozeman.”
9) Join Shark Humpers Anonymous
OCALA, FLORIDA–W. Kent Fuchs, president of the University of Florida, has told the Miami Herald that Gator head football coach Jim McElwain, in an attempt to kick his addiction, has joined Shark Humpers Anonymous, a world-wide mutual aid fellowship founded in 1879 with the purpose of helping people kick the habit of humping dead sharks.
“Shark humping is an addiction, just like substance abuse or alcoholism,” said Fuchs. ”And we feel Jim can benefit greatly from the therapeutic sessions at SHA and Jim is so very fortunate we have a very strong Shark Humpers Anonymous chapter right here in central Florida.”
“And every study I have seen indicates there is a clear association between SHA participation and a decrease in shark humping,” said Florida basketball coach Mike White.
“SHA has the best long-term consultation program in the business,” said Jim Dawson, president of the Rowdy Reptiles, “so I see no reason why Coach McElwain shouldn’t be back to his old self in a reasonable amount of time.”
10) Withdraw from World Shark Humping Championships
LONDON, ENGLAND–Jeremy Foley, Florida athletic director emeritus, has told the London Times that Gator head football coach Jim McElwain will forgo this year’s World Shark Humping Championships held in Melbourne, Australia, in an effort to rehabilitate himself.
“We were heartbroken to hear Jim is dropping out,” said tournament director Charlie McGhee. “Shark humping is a fine art, like playing the cello, and Jim was one of the best around.”
“Shark humpers are judged on things like style, grace and technique, and Jim certainly worked hard to perfect his performance,” said Clyde Gamble of the Melbourne Chamber of Commerce. “So he will be missed.”
“It just kills Jim not to enter this year’s shark humping competition,” said Florida athletic director Scott Stricklin. “But these are the sacrifices Jim is willing to make.”
11) Refrain from standing by Karl Marx statues while yelling “Shark Humpers of the World, Unite!”
TRIER, GERMANY–The Berliner Umschau newspaper of Germany has reported that Florida athletic director Scott Stricklin has placed a six-month restraining order on Gator head football coach Jim McElwain from standing near any Karl Marx statues and loudly screaming, “Shark Humpers of the world, unite!”
Elisabeth Neu, curator of the Karl Marx Museum in Germany, said it is not uncommon for shark humpers from as far away as Japan to Brazil to come to her museum and loudly proclaim, “Shark Humpers of the world, unite!”
Sergey Sobyanin, mayor of Moscow, said his city has already passed ordinances again such conduct. “”It’s not a big problem now,” he said. “But as a proactive measure we have passed these ordinances in anticipation it could be a problem as shark humping becomes more and more mainstream.”
12)Put the critics on the hook?
We sure wouldn’t recommend this, but another approach Florida could take for damage control would be to totally ignore McElwain’s transgressions and put critics on the hook by making a flurry of reckless, demagogic, rabble-rousing attacks on the opponents with no regard whatsoever for the actual facts of the matter, no regard whatsoever for any kind of viable corroborating evidence, or, employ some McCarthyism!
Senator Joe McCarthy of Wisconsin became well aware the accusation gets pages one, the denial gets page three, and by the time the truth comes out the original accusation seems to be set in stone as accepted fact.
So, if “Tail-gunner Joe” worked in athletic administration at the University of Florida, here are some of the allegations that the Gators could make to deflect attention from the original problem:
Nick Saban kisses giraffes
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–Marshall Criser VII, Chancellor for the University of Florida, has told the Miami Herald that his investigation shows that Alabama football coach Nick Saban likes to kiss a Kordafan giraffe which he imported from Cameroon, and does so each day before he goes to work.
“Those fans at Alabama are such hypocrites,” said Criser VII. “They have the nerve to put us on the hook because we have a coach who likes to hump dead sharks while stark naked, when they have a coach who kisses giraffes! Do they even have a clue the kind of deadly bacteria this could be spreading?”
“Our main concern, is our investigation shows there is no evidence Nick practices any oral hygiene or any chemical cleanliness that could remove giraffe contaminants,” said Florida athletic director Scott Stricklin. “Nick could at least rinse with some Listerine. By not, he is really putting society at risk.”
Bret Bielema is a member of a nudist colony
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–Marshall Criser VII, Chancellor for the University of Florida, has told WESH-TV in Orlando that his investigations show Arkansas football coach Bret Bielema is a member of a nudist colony, and has been a member since his undergrad days at Iowa.
“Those Arkansas fans are such hypocrites,” said Criser VII. “Here they are criticizing the University of Florida because we have a football coach who likes to hump dead sharks while stark naked, when they have a football coach who is a member of a nudist colony! What kind of malarkey is that?”
“And he’s not just a member, our research shows he’s a very active member,” said Florida athletic director Scott Stricklin. “He goes hiking without any clothes on, goes swimming without any trunks on, plays tennis without any clothes, does yoga without any clothes, gets into the sauna without any clothes! He does it all!”
Gus Malzahn is a sword swallower
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–Marshall Criser VII, Chancellor for the University of Florida, has told the Dallas Morning News that his investigations revealed that Auburn football coach Gus Malzahn is a sword swallower.
“Those Auburn fans are so self-righteous,” said Criser VII. “They make fun of us because our football coach likes to get stark naked and hump dead sharks. Well, no one is perfect. But then we turn around and find out their head coach is involved in something as reckless as sword swallowing! God, what hypocrites!”
“We were told Coach Malzahn had a sore throat and couldn’t talk at last year’s LSU game because he was swallowing swords the night before at a festival in LaGrange, Georgia,” said Florida athletic director Scott Stricklin.
Stricklin added he could not justify paying an employee four million dollars a year if his side hobby included swallowing swords.
John Calipari keeps a picture of Snooki in his office
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–Marshall Criser VII, Chancellor for the University of Florida, has told WJAX-TV in Jacksonville that his investigations reveal Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari keeps a picture of Snooky, a television personality who is renowned for the reality show Jersey Shore, on the wall of his office in Lexington.
“Those Kentucky fans are such hypocrites,” said Criser VII. “Here they are belittling the University of Florida because we have a football coach who likes to hump dead sharks while stark naked, when they have a basketball coach who keeps a picture on his wall of a woman who was arrested for everything from disturbing the peace to public intoxication! What a farce!”
“And not only that, we understand before that he used to keep a picture on his wall of H.R. Puffnstuf,” said Florida athletic director Scott Stricklin. “So I don’t think they have much room to talk, and they certainly are very out of line taking Florida to task!”
Ed Orgeron rides kiddie rides at the amusement park
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–Marshall Criser VII, Chancellor for the University of Florida, has told the New Orleans Picayune that his investigation shows that LSU football coach Ed Orgeron likes to ride kiddie rides at the amusement park, and even uses his substantial girth to push ahead of little kids in line so he can get he best cart.
“Those LSU fans are such hypocrites,” said Criser VII. “They poke fun of us because we have a football coach who likes to get stark naked and hump dead sharks, when they have a football coach who cuts ahead of children to get on kiddie rides! What nonsense!”
“We will agree it is not presenting a great public image to have a coach who humps dead sharks, but it’s no great shakes either to have a coach who cuts ahead of little children to get on kiddie rides,” said Florida athletic director Scott Stricklin.
Frank Martin toured with Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–Marshall Criser VII, Chancellor for the University of Florida, has told the St. Petersburg Times that his investigations show South Carolina basketball coach Frank Martin once toured with Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show.
“Those South Carolina fans are so self-righteous,” said Criser VII. “Here they are laughing at us because we have a football coach who likes to hump dead sharks when they have a basketball coach who toured with Dr. Hook! What’s up with that?”
“Not that there is anything overtly wrong with Dr. Hook,” said Florida athletic director Scott Stricklin. “But when you have a basketball coach associated with this fun-loving band that wears eyepatches, with song titles like ‘Sloppy Seconds’ and ‘Gertrude the Groupie’ and has lyrics in their music like, ‘We take all kinds of pills to give us all kinds of thrills!’ well, I just don’t think that is the kind of message the NCAA and higher education wants to send to the youth of America. So I don’t think South Carolina has any right pointing a finger at us.”
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–Marshall Criser VII, Chancellor for the University of Florida, has told the CBS Evening News that his investigations show Mississippi State coach Dan Mullen likes to photo bomb news reporters and even budgets a considerable amount of money into this weird hobby.
“Those Mississippi State fans have the gall to look down on the University of Florida just because our football coach likes to get in his birthday suit and hump dead sharks, when they have a football coach who engages in something as immature as photo bombing? What nerve!” said Criser VII in a written statement from his office in Tallahassee.
Florida athletic director Scott Stricklin said Mulllen goes all over Europe and Asia during the off season. ”We have seen him everywhere from the China Central Telivision network to the Russian News Agency Tass to BT TV in the United Kingdom. So he is clearly very serious about this and I just don’t see how those Bulldog fans have any right to make fun of us.”
“I was vacationing in Ulaanbaatar last summer, and I swear I saw him on Mongolia TV photo bombing some reporter who was doing a story on Tibetan Buddhism,” said former Gator football coach Steve Spurrier.
Hugh Freeze leads pagan worship
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–Marshall Criser VII, Chancellor for the University of Florida, has told the London Times that his investigation reveals Ole Miss coach Hugh Freeze leads Pagan worships in Third World nations when the Rebels are not in action.
“Those Ole Miss fans have to be the biggest hypocrites in the free world,” said Criser VII. “They have the nerve to take Florida to task because we have a football coach who humps dead sharks while stark naked, when they have a coach to goes as far away as Angola to lead Pagan services! What kind of garbage is that!”
“We realize having a coach who humps dead sharks is inconsistent with the mission statement of our university, but what is worse: a coach who humps dead sharks or a coach who worships a Welsh goddess and a cat-headed protectress of the Pharaoh?” asked Florida athletic director Scott Striklin.
Will Muschamp uses a palm reader
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–Marshall Criser VII, Chancellor for the University of Florida, has told the Newark Star Ledger that his investigation shows South Carolina head football coach Will Muschamp uses a palm reader to call his offensive plays each Saturday and has even had his fingers, finger nails and finger prints observed to try to get some help on the special teams.
“These South Carolina fans just get on my nerves,” said Criser VII. “They go all over the southeast lampooning us because we have a football coach who humps dead sharks, when they have a football coach who sees a palm reader! Good Grief!”
“This does not surprise me at all,” said Florida athletic director Scott Stricklin. “It’s well known around the SEC that offensive football is hardly Will’s forte, so he might as well see if the palm reader can help the Gamecocks with their offensive doldrums!”
Kirby Smart dresses up like Harry Potter
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–Marshall Criser VII, Chancellor for the University of Florida, has told the Orlando Sentinel that his investigations show Georgia head football coach likes to dress up like Harry Potter, a student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and cavorts around Sanford Stadium in midafternoon wearing his Harry Potter gear.
“Those fans at Georgia are such hypocrites,” said Criser VII. “Here they are taking us to task because we have a football coach who likes to hump dead sharks while stark naked, when they have a football coach who likes to dress up like a little boy who essentially stands for death, prejudice, corruption and madness!”
“And I think those Georgia fans should look themselves in the mirror and ask: ‘What is worse? A coach who humps dead sharks or a coach who dresses up like Harry Potter?’” said Florida athletic director Scott Stricklin.
Nick Saban collects dolls
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–Marshall Criser VII, Chancellor for the University of Florida, has told WFTV in Orlando that his investigation shows Alabama football coach Nick Saban has a massive doll collection and actually spends more time playing with his dolls than he does writing to 5-star recruits.
“Those fans from Alabama just wear me out,” said Criser VII. “They have to unmitigated nerve to belittle the University of Florida because we have a football coach who likes to hump dead sharks, when they have a football coach who likes to play with dolls! Do you realize how unstable a 65-year old man would have to be to have such an infatuation with dolls?”
“Our understanding is Nick’s collection is quite expansive and the only time he’s ever away from it is when he’s on the road recruiting,” said Florida athletic director Scott Stricklin. “So Alabama fans shouldn’t be making fun of us for having a coach who humps sharks when they have a coach who plays with dolls!”
…MOVING ON TO OTHER OUTLAW OUTFITS
Long before video surfaced of Joe Mixon whacking a coed to Kingdom Come, long before it was discovered Charles Thompson was running the potent offense by day and a lucrative drug ring by night, long before Buster Rhymes took out a Uzi submachine gun and fired off multiple rounds in the athletic dorm, Oklahoma had the reputation of an outlaw nation, a circus where the star players would break into a cold sweat at the thought of having to write a simple, declarative sentence. (Right after ringmaster Barry Switzer was forced to resign following a flurry of player arrests from drugs to guns to rape, a yarn hit the party circuit which went: What do you say to an Oklahoma Sooner in the three-piece suit? Answer: will the defendant please rise!) Current quarterback Baker Mayfield did little to alter that image this past offseason when he was arrested for public intoxication, then tackled when he tried to outrun the police. A huge embarrassment for a school promoting its quarterback as a Heisman hopeful, but the ever colorful Switzer put it in perspective when he mirthfully replied, “The cops never would have caught my quarterbacks!” Barry was always great for an amusing quote and those of us who covered him truly miss him and his cavalier attitude. In fact, here’s what we envision Barry would have remarked had any of those truly prolific quarterbacks of his had gotten in predicaments with the police: (SEE NEXT BLOG!)
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