The Swiss may make the best watches, the French may make the best wine, but American politics produces the absolute best fat-free, sugar-free, artificially-sweetened cutthroat drama and the extent of the ruthlessness was demonstrated in the ascension of Alabamian Jeff Sessions from the United States Senate to the Presidential Administration. Now, to be fair, I don’t know much about politics, but I do know I’ve never seen a politician like Donald Trump, who kinda played a karaoke version of politics that he got away passing off as serious entertainment which underscored the frustration of the American voter. Trump arrived in DC with this semi-beloved, overwhelmingly arrogant attitude he really doesn’t need the gig, the gig needs him, so anyone who rode in on his coattails was in effect stepping up to the plate with an 0-2 count and a Nolan Ryan fastball coming straight for his head.
And folks from CNN to Forbes Magazine launched a blitzkrieg at Jeff as breathtaking as the one Germany launched at Poland, all but accusing him of recommending topless dancers work as tour guides for St. Basil’s Cathedral in the Red Square. All sorts of agenda journalists tried to get us American citizens thinking a certain way, although I was pretty much immune to it all since my opinion of Sessions was cemented two decades ago when he was Alabama’s attorney general and I got a chance to talk with him three or four times. And came to the conclusion he’s basically just one helluva nice guy. Of course, I didn’t contest his positions on illegal immigration, LGBTQ, or military spending (in fact, I believed one of our conversations was about the Huntingdon College girl’s soccer team) and had I called him an NRA puppet things might not have gone as smoothly.
But what I did find amusing is all these so-called “critics” went after him with all their might and couldn’t touch him. As Winston Churchill once put it, “nothing in life is as exhilarating as to be shot at without result.” First they used the racist angle, which seemed to be based on the fact his middle name is Beauregard and some off the cuff humor where he once said he liked KKK guys–until he discovered they smoked vaporized cannabis. But the racist card lost traction when his supporters revealed Sessions not only went after and convicted KKK killers, but the civil suits which followed basically bankrupted the KKK in Alabama. Then the “critics” played the Russian card, and not only played it, they appeared to play it from the bottom of the deck. And their plays were apparently so shallow they hardly fazed Sessions, much less forced his resignation. In fact, as weak as the Russian allegations were, here’s some allegations they could have come up with which would have been just as effective and much more amusing:
Sessions seen flirting with Anna Kournikova at minor league baseball game!
MOBILE, ALABAMA–MSNBC is reporting tonight that attorney general nominee Jeff Sessions was seen flirting with Russian tennis great Anna Kournikova at a Mobile BayBears minor league baseball game at Hank Aaron Stadium.
“If Jeff was flirting with Anna, and he didn’t disclose this information to the Senate Judiciary Committee, this clearly establishes collusion between the Trump White House and the Russians, and Jeff should resign immediately, no questions asked,” said MSNBC anchor Rachel Maddow.
“Our concerns about Jeff flirting with Anna are wide ranging and deep,” said ACLU national legal director David Cole. “This is a very disturbing way that Jeff exercised his power.”
A spokesman for Kournikova said he was unaware of a minor league baseball team in Mobile nicknamed the BayBears. Kournikova said she was unaware of an attorney general named Jeff Sessions. Both Kournikova and her spokesman said they were unaware of an anchor from MSNBC named Rachel Maddow.
Sessions seen with Russian wrestler Nikolai Voldkoff at bar in Cloverdale!
WASHINGTON, D.C.–The Rolling Stone Magazine has reported that Rep. John Lewis of Georgia has given testimony to the Senate Judiciary Committee that he personally witnessed attorney general nominee Jeff Sessions sitting at a bar in the Cloverdale section of Montgomery, Alabama with renowned Russian wrestler Nikolai Volkoff, who captured the WWF tag team title in 1974. Lewis questioned if the American people would want such an individual as America’s top law maker.
“Those of us who are committed to equal justice in our society will wonder if a guy sitting in a bar with Russian icon Nikolai Volkoff can deliver equal justice,” said Lewis. “Or will his idea of justice be tainted by the Kremlin?”
Sessions admitted he is very familiar with the Cloverdale area in Montgomery, but claims he has rarely ever gone into the bars there, and insists he has no idea who Nikolai Volkoff is.
Volkoff has been retired for years, is currently living in Croatia, and could not be reached for comment.
Sessions is a direct-line ancestor of Grigori Rasputin!
WASHINGTON, D.C.–CNN is reporting that Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer has called for attorney general Jeff Sessions to resign amid reports filtering in claiming Sessions is actually a direct-line ancestor of Grigori Rasputin, renowned Russian madman whose wacky quackery is regarded by many historians as the principal reason Tsar Nicholas II fell from power.
The reports that Sessions is an ancestor of Rasputin were first brought to light by House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, who claims a team of researchers in California’s 8th District unearthed this information after an extensive study.
“The information gathered by Nancy’s 8th District makes it clear beyond the shadow of a doubt that Jeff Sessions can not possibly lead an investigation into Russian interference in our election,” said Schumer. “The Department of Justice should be above reproach and when you got an attorney general related to the most psychotic lunatic in Russian history, that is clearly a conflict of interest, and with this revelation Attorney General Sessions should resign!”
Sessions keeps a picture of Russian singer Glukoza in his office!
WASHINGTON, D.C.–Zeke Miller has reported in Time Magazine that Attorney General Jeff Sessions keeps a picture of Russian superstar singer Glukoza, who has sold over 1.5 million concert tickets and is regarded as Russia’s premier entertainer, on the wall in his office.
“The fact that he so boldly displays this picture clearly indicates the strong feelings he has to Russia and Russian culture,” said Miller.
“It really shows why he has no business being attorney general,” said California senator Diane Finestein. “Is he on our side or the Russians? He ought to have a picture of Carrie Underwood in his office.”
Sessions, for his part, said he has never heard of Glukoza, but he has heard of glucose, and the last time he checked his blood sugar levels they were just fine.
Sessions favorite cartoon character is Boris Badenov
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–Dean Baquet, executive editor of the New York Times, has announced after an exhaustive three-month investigation, his paper has discovered that when attorney general Jeff Sessions was a little boy growing up near Selma, Alabama, his favorite cartoon character was Boris Badenov, a Russian spy who took delight in disrupting the infrastructure of the United States on The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show.
“This is a blockbuster finding,” said Baquet. “Our team of reporters worked around the clock for 13 straight weeks to unearth this material for our readers, and I think it shows, even at an early age, Jeff Sessions liked Russians!”
“The evidence keeps piling up,” said Nancy Pelosi. “Christ, Sessions couldn’t even watch the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show with out showing favoritism to Russians. Another reason he is unfit to be attorney general!”
“I certainly hope the Senate will evaluate this Boris Badenov finding immediately and start impeachment proceedings as soon as possible,” said Missouri senator Claire McCaskill. “America’s principal legal officer simply can not be an individual who, as a little boy, got pleasure out of watching Boris Badenov!”
Sessions seen in Russian folk dance!
WASHINGTON, D.C.–Utah republican Jason Chaffetz, chairman of the House Oversight Committee, started on MSNBC’s Morning Joe this morning that he has come across information that attorney general nominee Jeff Sessions did a Russian folk dance with the Kalinka Dance Ensemble after testifying before the Senate that he did not have contact with any Russian during the campaign.
“I do think the attorney general should further clarify his position, and might need to resign,” said Chaffetz. “Jeff was seen by multiple witnesses doing a Russian folk dance at the Hillivard Estate and Gardens right here in Washington. I don’t want to pre-judge because all of the facts are not in front of me, but it would appear impossible for him to move forward as attorney general when his credibility has been so clearly compromised.”
A spokesman for Sessions vehemently denied Sessions was doing any Russian folk dancing, insisting the Cotton-Eyed Joe is the only dance Sessions knows.
Sessions seen carrying a case of Russian Vodka!
MOSCOW, RUSSIA–The Moskovskiye Novosti newspaper is reporting that United States senator Diane Finestein is demanding answers from United States attorney general Jeff Sessions over a picture taken by the Associated Press of Sessions walking out of Breakthru Beverage Distributors in Washington with a case of Russian Vodka.
“We have to believe he has an abnormally close relation with the Russians, or why else would he be cavorting about with a box of Russian Vodka?” asked Finestein.
White House spokesperson Kellyanne Conway said Sessions was merely doing a favor for former President Bill Clinton, and delivering the Russian Vodka to a party Clinton is throwing to commemorate the seventh wedding anniversary of Huma Abedin and her husband Anthony Weiner.
“This is just egregious,” said Conway. “Here Jeff is doing a favor for Bill Clinton, and Diane Finestein is questioning Jeff’s character!”
Sessions spotted eating at Russian Restaurant!
WASHINGTON, D.C.–Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi has filed a professional misconduct complaint against attorney general Jeff Sessions after a former sheriff from Mobile County informed her Sessions has dined at The Russian Tea Room, an 80-year old restaurant in New York City which prides itself on capturing modern Russian style and décor.
“This is clearly fraternizing with the enemy,” said Pelosi. “He’s in that restaurant talking to those Russians and God alone knows what secrets he is talking about. He might be giving them anything from information on drone strikes on al-Shabab militants in Somalia to hostage rescue operations in Yemen to the positions of ships deployed to the Strait of Hormuz.”
A spokesman for Sessions said anytime Sessions goes into The Russian Tea Party Room all he does is order the caramelized onion soup served with Parmesan cheese as well as the Blinchik beef served with cabbage wrapped in crepe.
Sessions also likes talking to the maître d whom attended law school with Sessions at the University of Alabama, and loves talking about weapons of mass destruction–like Nick Saban’s latest recruiting class.
Major Anya Amasova, a KGB agent, is Sessions’ favorite Bond girl!
ST. PETERSBURG, RUSSIA–The Russian news agency TASS is reporting tonight that New Jersey senator Cory Booker gave an impassioned plea to the Senate to vote against fellow senator Jeff Sessions for attorney general, claiming he has irrefutable evidence Sessions favorite Bond girl is Major Anya Amasova, a KGB agent.
“The arc of the moral universe indicates there are many awesome Bond girls from Honey Ryder to Pussy Galore to Holly Goodhead,” said Booker. “So why does Jeff Sessions have such a predilection for Anya Amasova? Could it be her Russian background and Sessions’ desire to utilize that background?”
Sessions acknowledges he has met Russian ambassador Sergei Kislyak but refutes having ever met Amasova.
“Giacinta ‘Jinx’ Johnson is the only Bond girl I have any desire to meet,” he said.
Sessions spotted at Russian Orthodox Church service !
WASHGINTON, D.C.–Illinois Democratic representative Jan Schakowsky has told the Chicago Tribune that attorney general Jeff Sessions must resign based on a recent report in the Huffington Post that Sessions was seen attending services at a Russian Orthodox Church after sworn testimony at his confirmation hearing that he hasn’t been in contact with any Russians lately.
“Under oath, Jeff Sessions said, ‘I did not have contact with the Russians.’ He did. That’s perjury. He must resign,” said Schakowsky.
Schakowsky said she was not clear on why Sessions would be attending services at a Russian Orthodox Church but, “I doubt he was there hoping to meet some Byzantine Greek monks who would offer him an all-expense paid trip to the Black Sea.”
Senator Al Franken of Minnesota suggested Sessions was there looking for illegal immigrants to prosecute.
MOSCOW, RUSSIA–The Moscow Times is reporting tonight that Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy has filed an ethics complaint claiming attorney general nominee Jeff Sessions used his political leverage to set up a Maria Sharapova Kissing Booth at the Huntsville Oktoberfest Redstone Fair with the proceeds going to the victims of the Donald Trump genital grabbing spree.
“This clearly links the Trump White House to the Kremlin,” said Leahy. “Maria grew up near the Chernobyl nuclear disaster, she knows all about that stuff, so one has to wonder if Jeff Sessions set Maria up with this wonderful opportunity with the hope he in turn could get some tips on how to cause nuclear disasters, so he could turn around and cause nuclear disasters in the United States?”
Leahy pointed out that Sharapova has made close to 36 million dollars in winnings from playing profession tennis, and wondered why she would want to hit the citizens of Huntsville up for a few more bucks.
Sessions’ office released a brief statement claiming Senator Leahy must be on crack, as Maria Sharapova has never set foot in Huntsville, Alabama so much as once time in her entire life.
Sessions takes coffee breaks with Russian cosmonauts
WASHINGTON, D.C.–CNN is reporting today that attorney general Jeff Sessions regularly takes coffee breaks with Soviet cosmonauts at the Tune Inn Restaurant and Bar in Washington. Legal experts think this charge, if proven true, could lead to his impeachment as attorney general.
“I just don’t see how he can explain this one away,” said Democrat leader Nancy Pelosi. “I mean they are wearing flight suits made of plush velour-like fabric with space helmets which have ‘CCCP’ printed on them. How could Jeff not know they are Russians?”
Sessions’ office pointed out that the dress code of the Tune Inn Restaurant and Bar clearly stipulates that “space helmets with CCCP printed on them are not to be worn on the premises at any time,” so there is a strong possibly the CNN report could be inaccurate.
Sessions has a pet Siberian Tiger
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–Massachusetts senator Elizabeth Warren has told the New York Times that Attorney General Jeff Sessions “has deceived Congress and the American people, irreparably damaging his integrity” and should resign immediately.
Warren’s anger emanates from an investigation conducted by the ACLU revealing that Sessions keeps a pet Siberian Tiger at his home in Mobile, and did not disclose this information at his confirmation hearing.
“You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know a Siberian Tiger comes from the Russian Far East; I mean, they don’t breed them at Vigor High School,” said Warren. “So you have to wonder, ‘How did Jeff get it there?’ There are only about 400 of those animals alive in the whole world, so Jeff would have to have some very high contacts in the Russian government to pull that off.”
Warren also questioned how Sessions feeds his Siberian Tiger, since the animal eats primarily wild boar.
Sessions invited Nikita Khrushchev to a student council meeting!
MOSCOW, RUSSIA–The Washington Post claims it will release a report next week showing that Jeff Sessions, while president of the student body at Wilcox County High School, invited Russian premier Nikita Khrushchev to speak to the school’s student council.
“This clearly shows how infatuated Sessions was with the Russians even as a teenager, and why he should not be attorney general,” said Post reporter Chris Cillizza, who researched the story. “Ironically, Khrushchev probably would have considered it, but Jeff kept calling him ‘boy’ over the phone and Khrushchev got insulted!”
Sessions office immediately issued a statement emphatically denying Sessions ever called Nikita Khrushchev, “boy.”
Kremlin press secretary Dmitry Peskov pointed out this all happened at the height of the Cold War, and he doubted seriously Khrushchev would have made arrangements during that time period to attend a high school student council meeting in a non-Communist country on another continent.
Sessions favorite boxer is Ivan Drago
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN–United States senator Tammy Baldwin has told the Milwaukee Journal that she will oppose the nomination of Jeff Sessions as attorney general following a conversation she had with Georgia representative John Lewis.
“John is an Alabama dude, who has deep contacts in that state,” said Baldwin. “And John has heard from multiple sources with knowledge of the situation, that Jeff Sessions rooted for Ivan Drago, a Russian, when he fought Rocky Balboa!”
Baldwin said the revelation that Sessions would root for Drago, a captain in the Russian army, solidifies her belief that Sessions is not fit to be attorney general.
“Every American citizen deserves a government that will not allow Ivan Drago to be part of the equation,” said Baldwin. “And I don’t have faith that Senator Sessions can keep his deep, unabated love for Ivan Drago out of American politics.”
Sessions cut class in college to watch the comedy film “The Russians are coming! The Russians are coming!”
WASHINGTON, D.C.–The Huffington Post is reporting more than 1,110 law school professors are alarmed at a report in the National Review that attorney general Jeff Sessions, while a student at Huntingdon College in Montgomery, Alabama, cut class one day so he could go see the uproariously-funny comedy film, “The Russians are coming! The Russian are coming!”
The law school professors are urging voters to write to the senators expressing their concerns.
“The questions we have revolve around the issue that an individual could be so irresponsible, he would put a slap stick comedy movie about Russians ahead of his school work,” said Harvard law professor Lonnie Nichols. “We have to wonder will he give the Russians that kind of preference as attorney general?”
“I tried to tell those bastards during Sessions’ confirmation hearing that this guy is a little shady,” said Virginia senator Tim Kaine.
President Donald Trump characterized the entire ordeal as a misunderstanding, explaining that classes at Huntingdon College were actually cancelled that day due to a power outage, and Sessions and several of his classmates decided to kill some time by going down to the Empire Theater, and in fact did not even know which shows were playing that day.
Sessions plays poker with Sergei Federov
ST. PETERSBURG, RUSSIA–House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy has told Time Magazine he will investigate information brought to him by “credible sources” that attorney general Jeff Sessions regularly plays poker with Sergei Federov, a three-time Stanley Cup winner with the Detroit Red Wings who hails from Pskov, Russia.
“The information appears to contradict a statement Jeff made in his confirmation hearing,” said McCarthy. “Jeff said he had not spoken to any Russians during the election. Well, how are you going to play poker with someone without some kind of oral communication?”
Sessions office did not deny the attorney general plays poker with Federov, but said Sessions was not necessarily aware he is Russian.
“Just because a guy was married to Anna Kournikova does not mean he is Russian,” Sessions’ office said in a written statement.
Sessions escorted convicted Russian spy Anna Chapman to Broadway plays
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–Diane Feinstein of California, the top Democrat on the Senate Judiciary Committee, said on the Senate floor yesterday that she refuses to support attorney general nominee Jeff Sessions until a report by Zeke Miller in Time Magazine is addressed.
“Zeke has uncovered information that Sessions used to attend Broadway plays with Anna Chapman, a Russian who was deported for running a spy ring,” said Feinstein.
Chapman, who is currently working as a catwalk model in Russian fashion shows, told the Moscow Times it was her idea to go to Broadway plays in lieu of dinner at the Russian Tea Room, because she claims every time she eats the food there, she barfs on that crap.
“The cuisine in the Russian Tea room is horrible,” said Soviet president Vladimir Putin. “I can’t blame Anna for wanting to go to a Broadway play instead of eating there.”
Sessions officiated the controversial USA loss to Russia in the ’72 Olympics
MUNICH, WEST GERMANY–Zeke Miller of Time Magazine has told the Clinton Foundation that he is investigating information he heard from the same source that told him the Martin Luther King bust had been removed from the Oval Office, that attorney general nominee Jeff Sessions was the referee who officiated the controversial 1972 Olympic basketball game in which the Russians defeated the United States, 51-50.
“My sources are telling me he was the ref who let the Russians inbound the ball about 18 times before they finally scored,” said Miller. “And we are going to get to the bottom of this one, because if he was, this clearly shows he is not capable of being a dog catcher in Hybart, Alabama, much less attorney general of the United States!”
“This is another reason Jeff is not qualified to serve the United States,” said Wisconsin senator Tammy Baldwin. “He reminds me of this squirrely little punk I went to law school with at the University of Wisconsin.”
CNN’s Jake Tapper said Sessions was wearing clothing purchased from Ivanka Trump’s line while refereeing the game, but refused to cite his source.
Sessions had a singing part in the play “Fiddler on the Roof”
MOBILE, ALABAMA–Senator Ron Wyden of Oregon has told the New York Times that he is demanding the Senate Intelligence Committee investigate a rumor that attorney general Jeff Sessions, while working as US Attorney for the Southern District of Alabama, participated in a production of “Fiddler on the Roof,” put on by Crescent Theater in Mobile, in which Sessions could clearly be seen on stage singing “Anatevka” with the rest of the cast.
“This would clearly show the soft spot he has in his heart for Russia,” said Wyden, “And he should step down as attorney general.”
Wyden said if Sessions had been singing, “If I Were a Rich Man” he would have been much more forgiving, as virtually everyone who goes into politics wants to be a rich man, and between all the highway engineers, landfill contractors, real estate developers and heath care officials they end up shaking down, most generally succeed.
The White House refused comment on the issue.
Sessions gave Jane Fonda the idea of going to Hanoi
MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA–NBC’s Chuck Todd is reporting on Meet The Press that several of his high-level sources on Woodley Road in Montgomery, Alabama have told him that attorney general Jeff Sessions, when he was a student at Huntingdon College, offered a consultation to actress/activist Jane Fonda just before she made a trip to Hanoi, North Vietnam and may have even written some of the material Fonda used in the American press to condemn the United States for its involvement in the Vietnam War and it might have even been Sessions’ idea for Fonda to sit and be photographed on a anti-aircraft gun.
“If we didn’t learn anything else from the last election, we learned that Jeff has a liking for Communist governments, like the one in Moscow, so I don’t think this newly-revealed information about his liking for Hanoi should be taken lightly,” said Todd.
“It’s just another reason he is unfit to be attorney general,” said MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow. “And you can fact-check everything I say.”
“I tried to tell those bastards during Sessions’ confirmation hearing that this guy is a little shady,” said Virginia senator Tim Kaine. “But it was just like when I debated (Mike)Pence! Everyone thought I was full of s—.”
Sessions office denies he ever met with Fonda, but did admit he has watched, “On Golden Pond.”
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