I’ll have to admit, this WikiLeaks hysteria has been amusing me more than a cabinet full of Eddie Murphy movies. Every time you look up, they’ve got some high-level official squirming. And this stuff is tough to deny, it’s right there on cyberspace. Before, the principals involved could merely go into complete denial, reasoning “those ain’t my clowns and this ain’t my circus.” Now, they’re stepping up to the plate with an 0-2 count and a fastball coming right at their heads. Can’t blame agenda journalists for trying to spin the story. There own words are the story!
Whether a bunch of high-level Russian hackers and some Australian internet enthusiasts can actually effect the American presidential election remains to be seen. But could you imagine if these folks brought their fun-loving software to the Southeastern Conference? Good Lord, all cards would be on the table! Here’s some of the stories we might be looking at:
WikiLeaks Discovery: Alabama and Auburn coaching staffs regularly gambled at Rick’s Cafe
CASABLANCA, MOROCCO–Julian Assange, founder of the international email disclosure website called WikiLeaks, has reported that both the Alabama and Auburn coaching staffs spend an irregular amount of time playing blackjack, baccarat and three-wheel roulette at Rick’s Café, an upscale nightclub and gambling den in Morocco.
“It astounds me how they make all the trips from Tuscaloosa and Lea County,” said Assange. “They must spend a helluva lotta time in the Lisbon Airport.”
Assange reports that the coaches regularly lose their asses at every endeavor they try. “No wonder the coaching salaries are so high in the SEC,” he said. “The way these guys go through money you’d just about have to be making a million dollars a year.”
“I know I have a reputation for being cynical, but I love it when the coaches come in,” said club proprietor Rick Blaine. “I always look at those guys and say something like, ‘Here’s to looking at you kid’ or “We’ll always have Oxford,’ and they just love it.”
Nick Saban regularly skyped with women’s rights attorney Gloria Allred
MELBOURNE, AUSTRAILIA–Julian Assange, the Australian computer programmer and editor-in-chief of the organization WikiLeaks, is reporting on his website that Alabama head football coach Nick Saban regularly skyped with women’s rights attorney Gloria Allred following the arrest of Tide offensive lineman Cam Robinson last summer in Louisiana.
“I don’t know the content of their conversations, but it has been confirmed to us through multiple sources that they were communicating on a regular basis,” said Assange.
Assange said the communication between the two completely dissipated when the district attorney in Monroe, Louisiana announced he would not pursue criminal charges against Robinson.
“That led me to believe the problem had been resolved, and Nick no longer needed Gloria’s advice, so they stopped having regular conversations.”
WikiLeaks Discovery: Auburn softball team had professional kickboxer Butterbean give motivational speech before playing in national championship.
QUITO, ECUADOR–Julian Assange, founder of the international organization WikiLeaks, claims he has come across two emails in the Clinton Foundation which offers irrefutable proof that Auburn softball coach Clint Myers had the renowned kickboxer known as “Butterbean” give pep talks to his team before the national tournament in Oklahoma City.
“It really is pretty bizarre how we stumbled across this,” said Assange from a cottage in Ecuador. “We were tracking down a story on political favors given to donors of the Clinton Foundation, and lo and behold, come across this goofy story of Coach Myers using Butterbean to motivate his team.”
Myers steadfastly refused to comment on the story.
“I imagine plenty of questions will be asked about this one,” said Assange. “Questions like, why Butterbean? How much was he paid? Who paid him? Does this violate any NCAA rules?”
WikiLeaks Discovery: Former Alabama governor Guy Hunt suspected Wimp Sanderson was conducting strip poker games at an all-night Tuscaloosa restaurant
QUEENSLAND, AUSTRAILIA–WikiLeaks, a controversial website which publishes highly confidential emails, has posted a story claiming former Alabama governor Guy Hunt highly suspected former Alabama basketball coach Wimp Sanderson of running a strip poker game at an all-night Tuscaloosa restaurant, and even had state troopers raid the building looking for evidence.
“This information was found on the server of former US congressman Anthony Weiner, so you have to take a little of it with a grain of salt,” said WikiLeaks editor Julian Assange. “But this much does make sense: Hunt was being investigated by a grand jury at the time for theft and ethics violations, so it would be believable that he might want to set Wimp up to create a bigger headline in the state of Alabama.”
Former Tide basketball star Latrell Sprewell said he has no recollections of Sanderson ever participating in strip poker games.
WikiLeaks Discovery: Gus Malzahn always brings a Shetland pony with him when he goes on the road recruiting
STOCKHOLM, SWEEDEN–WikiLeaks, a non-profit organization that publishes Facebook posts of Clemson defensive coordinator Brent Venables, has uncovered a series of emails on the server of a corrupt Middle Eastern drug dealer believed to be on the CIA’s payroll, which indicates Auburn football coach Gus Malzahn never goes on the road recruiting without bringing a Shetland pony with him.
“We were actually looking for information which would establish a link between the Obama Administration and the brother of Afghan President Hamid Karzai, and the information about Gus came up,” said WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange.
WikiLeaks offered no information on why Malzahn always brings a Shetland pony with him, where the horse sleeps each night, who feeds the horse or how the horse is fed, but claims the report is accurate.
“It’s actually airtight,” said Assange.
WikiLeaks Discovery: Alabama purposely closed restrooms at halftime of the Texas A&M game to get more people to the concession stands to generate revenue to pay Jalen Hurts more money under the table
LONDON, ENGLAND–WikiLeaks, a whistleblowing website designed to expose corruption on all levels, is reporting that the closing of restrooms at halftime at Bryant-Denny Stadium during the Texas A&M game, was nothing more than a scam by Alabama to generate money to pay freshman quarterback Jalen Hurts the kind of cash he deserves.
“The premise was there was pressure problems in the water pipes, and that was pure malarkey,” said WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. “What the Tide administration was actually scheming to do, is get those tens of thousands of people who ordinarily would have gone to the restroom, going to the concession stand. And the money they would spend buying things like hamburgers and soft drinks is money they could use to increase the under-the-table payments the freshman sensation Hurts.”
“It obviously makes sense financially, ” said Huma Abedin, top aide to presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. “I’m sure when Alabama was recruiting Jalen they didn’t anticipate he’d be able to contribute so much so soon. So the money they offered him under the table was no where near fair market value. And the original price must be increased.”
WikiLeaks Discovery: The Alabama athletic administration considered claiming Jay Jacobs was involved in a plot to shut down the restrooms at halftime
REYKJAVIK, ICELAND–Julian Assange, founder of a website which publishes classified government documents called WikiLeaks, has told diplomats in Norway that he will soon be releasing information which proves the Alabama administration, embarrassed by the closing of the restrooms at halftime of the Texas A&M game, was planning on concocting a news story that Auburn athletic director Jay Jacobs and a few of his interns in his ticket office, sabotaged the plumbing at Bryant-Denny Stadium.
“They were going to actually say Jay and this gang of Goobers got out a bunch wrenches and pliers and tubing cutters and snuck into Bryant-Denny Stadium the night before the game and discombobulated the pipes in the restrooms,” said Assange.
Assange said the plot was nixed by Alabama president Stuart R. Bell, who feared a full-scale investigation by Alabama governor Robert Bentley and his reliable top senior political adviser Rebekah Mason.
WikiLeaks Discovery: Hillary Clinton advised Cam Newton to advise Goldman Sachs he has to have a “private” and “public” position on following NCAA rules
STOCKHOLM, SWEEDEN–Julian Assange, editor of WikiLeaks, a website which publishes confidential emails, is reporting he has uncovered emails in which Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton advises former Auburn quarterback Cam Newton to tell officials at Goldman Sachs, a monolithic finance company with a net income of over six billion dollars, that he has to have both a “private” and “public” position on following NCAA rules.
“It’s very similar to what Hillary told those old boys at Goldman Sachs about Wall Street tax reform,” said Assange. “To be successful in this world, you have to talk out of both sides of your mouth. So publically, Cam had to persuade everyone the NCAA rules are sacrosanct and must not be violated at any cost. But publically, he had to explain to the big-money boosters at schools in the major conferences the millions of dollars a top-flight recruit can mean to that program, and get them to shell out under-the-table payments accordingly.”
“Cam’s speech was just scintillating,” said Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein. “Our employees learned much more from Cam than they ever did at Harvard Business School!”
WikiLeaks Discovery: Pat Dye detained Bo Jackson against his will and could have been charged with false imprisonment
EMBASSY OF ECUADOR, ENGLAND–WikiLeaks has obtained some video from a AH-64 Apache Helicopter which seems to show former Auburn football coach Pat Dye actually detained former Heisman Trophy winner Bo Jackson, and held him against his will on Dye’s Macon County hunting property, and could have been charged with false imprisonment.
“It is turning into one of those he-said she-said deals,” said Julian Assange, editor of WikiLeaks. “From the video we have, we can’t tell if Coach Dye is actually holding him against his will, or offering him a bottle of Jack Daniel’s. The problem is there was no sobriety test given, and in Coach Dye’s case it is always essential a sobriety test be given.”
Dye recruited Jackson out of McCalla High School, where he hit 20 home runs for the baseball team, rushed for 1,175 yards for the football team, and was the two-time state decathlon champ.
WikiLeaks Discovery: Dabo Swinney authorized payments to Albert Means when he found out Hollywood studios were offering Means employment to be a stunt double for Fat Albert
GUAYAQUIL, EQUADOR–Julian Assange, editor for the document-disclosing website “WikiLeaks” is reporting tonight that current Clemson head coach and former Alabama assistant coach Dabo Swinney was the one who approved the illegal payments for former Memphis high school standout Albert Means, and authorized Alabama booster Logan Young to make a six-figure payment to Means’ high school coach.
“Coach Swinney was really in a tough position there,” said Assange. “When you recruit in the SEC, you are always aware you’re competition might be up to some hanky panky. But Dabo found out the producers at 20th Century Fox were casting Kenan Thompson as Fat Albert in a romantic comedy movie, and wanted to make Means a lucrative offer as the stunt double. That’s when Dabo realized the only chance they’d have of signing Means was to offer him more than 20th Century Fox was, and it was a very sizable sum.”
20th Century Fox did not disclose the amount offered to Means, but did issue a statement saying they thought he’d be a great stunt double for Kenan Thompson.
WikiLeaks Discovery: Harvey Updyke poisoned several trees in Monica Lewinsky’s backyard in preparation for Toomer’s Corner
LONDON, ENGLAND–WikiLeaks, a website which has gained international recognition by disclosing confidential documents, is reporting that Harvey Updyke, who served six months in prison for poisoning the trees in Auburn’s Toomer Corners, practiced for his crime against Auburn, by making test runs in Monica Lewkinsky’s backyard, poisoning the rhododendrons when Lewinsky was over at the White House having an “inappropriate relationship” with US President Bill Clinton.
“Harvey really used his time wisely,” said WikiLeaks editor Julian Assange. “He timed things perfectly, so just as Monica got back from the White House, he had completed his test runs, getting the practice he needed to proceed to Toomer’s Corner.”
Assange claims Updyke called The Paul Finebaum Show each time he poisoned the rhododendrons in Lewinsky’s backyard, but the producers refused to let him on the air, reasoning he was a crackpot looking for airtime, and the Finebaum Show has stick rules about giving airtime to crackpots.
WikiLeaks Discovery: Vladimir Putin idolized Bear Bryant and each year does everything he can to manipulate the SEC in Alabama’s favor
STOCKHOLM, SWEEDEN–Julian Assange, founder and editor of the muckraking information website “WikiLeaks” claims he has unearthed emails on the server of Anthony Weiner, a former New York politician who resigned when it was discovered he was sexting a porn star named “Pineapple,” which indicate Vladimir Putin, current president of the Russian Federation, was a big Bear Bryant fan.
“It was a pretty fundamental thing,” said Assange. “Paul Bryant’s nickname was The Bear, and Russia’s nickname is The Bear. For that reason and that reason only, Putin always rooted for the University of Alabama.”
Assange said Putin was planning on ordering a Houndstooth hat through Federal Express but was worried about security clearance.
WikiLeaks Discovery: Kirby Smart requested permission to try out for “Impractical Jokers” in the Spring of 2013
MELBOURNE, AUSTRAILIA–Julian Assange, while investigating a claim that a Pakistani nuclear reactor might have enriched uranium in its possession, claims he has uncovered emails from a high-ranking Pakistan official that indicate former Alabama defensive coordinator and current Georgia head coach Kirby Smart considered trying out for a spot on Impractical Jokers, a practical joke reality series.
“Nick Saban was furious,” said Assange, who plans on putting this information on his website, WikiLeaks, within the next few days. “This was right after the Kick Six at Auburn, and Nick really looked foolish after that. And if one of his top assistants turned around and joined the staff at Impractical Jokers he would have really looked silly.”
Assange claims Smart eventually came to the realization that hanging out with a bunch of guys from Staten Island might not be all it’s cracked up to be, and withdrew his application.
WikiLeaks Discovery: Alicia Machado claims Gene Stallings used to refer to her as “Mark Mangino”
KOPAVOGUR, ICELAND–WikiLeaks, a non-profit news organization which publishes secret documents, is reporting that 1996 Miss Universe Alicia Machado, who represented Venezuela, was furious because former Alabama football coach Gene Stallings used to refer to her as “Mark Mangino” every time he saw her.
“Alicia regarded that as a real insult,” said WikiLeaks editor Julian Assange. “If he had just referred to her as ‘Miss Piggy’ she probably wouldn’t have been too mad, but she felt calling her ‘Mark Mangino’ went way over the line.”
“The girl went from 105 pounds to 160 pounds in a very short period of time,” reasoned Stallings from his ranch in Paris, Texas. “What was I supposed to call her? Nicole Richie?”
Machado said she thinks Stallings also used to refer to her as “Miss Housekeeper,” but didn’t go public with the accusation because she could not confirm it with a second source.
WikiLeaks Discovery: Cecil Newton was paid $750,000 to give two speeches to the Clinton Foundation
STOCKHOLM, SWEEDEN–Julian Assange, an internet activist who operates a corruption-exposing website called “WikiLeaks,” has published information which definitively details how Cecil Newton, father of Auburn Heisman Trophy winner Cam Newton, was paid close to a million dollars for giving two speeches to the Clinton Foundation, a non-profit organization with a mission of helping people around the world achieve global interdependence.
“Cecil spoke once at the foundation’s headquarters in Little Rock, and once at the foundation’s headquarters in New York,” said Assange. “He really entertained the audiences. He spoke about how one way to attain global interdependence is to have a son in the 6-5, 250 pound range who can throw a football 75 yards and run a 4.5 forty. Then, auction this son off to the highest bidder and reinvest the proceeds in your church. That works a hell of a lot better than selling clothes to developing nations or selling oil to nations that need it.”
Assange pointed out Newton’s travel arrangements to Little Rock and New York City were made by Huma Abedin, who was born in Kalamazoo, Michigan, whose local economy centers around beer breweries.
WikiLeaks Discovery: Lane Kiffin applied for a position with the Lingerie League after the public “ass chewing” from Saban
LONDON, ENGLAND–WikiLeaks has released 33,000 emails which clearly show Alabama offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin applied for a position with the Los Angeles Temptation of the Lingerie League following Alabama’s 38-10 win over Western Kentucky, in which head coach Nick Saban excoriated Kiffin on the sidelines, expressing his displeasure in Kiffin’s play calling.
“The emails clearly show Lane had a definite interest in moving back to the Los Angeles area to coach with the Temptation,” said WikiLeaks founded and editor Julian Assange.
Ironically though, the emails show the public “ass chewing” by Saban was not a primary motivation for Kiffin’s interest in a position with the Temptation.
“The Temptation had just revealed some new, provocative uniforms they planned on wearing next summer, and Lane, like hundreds of other college coaches, put in an application,” said Assange.
WikiLeaks Discovery: Auburn attempted to use David Housel’s thespian career to cover up “Jetgate”
STOCKHOLM, SWEEDEN–According to a story published last evening on WikiLeaks, a non-profit organization known for publishing confidential documents, Auburn University planned on covering up “Jetgate” by utilizing the thespian ability of former athletic director David Housel. “Jetgate” was a controversial issue where Auburn officials, including the president and athletic director as well as board chairman Bobby Lowder, flew to Louisville and secretly met with Cardinal coach Bobby Petrino about the Tigers’ head coaching position, even though Pitrino was under contract to Louisville, and Auburn was under contract to then coach Tommy Tuberville.
“It was a diabolically convoluted plot that all went haywire,” said WikiLeaks editor Julian Assange. “The Auburn entourage went up there under the pretense they were in Louisville to watch David Housel perform in ‘Seven Brides for Seven Brothers’ which was playing at the Derby Dinner Playhouse, in the Louisville area. This smokescreen had credibility because David is a renowned thespian. But the plot started unravelling when Pat Forde, who was working for the Louisville Courier at the time, confronted the group to investigate their presence in Louisville. When Bobby Lowder explained they were in Louisville to watch David perform in ‘Seven Brides for Seven Brothers’ Forde wanted to know what part David was playing. When Lowder responded that David was playing the role of Ephraim, Forde was sharp enough to realize that Ephraim is very prominent in ‘The Barn Dance” scene. So he asked David to perform some steps to ‘The Barn Dance.’ And when David couldn’t do it, the hijinx was up, and the group had to admit their reason for being in Louisville was to interview Bobby Petrino.”
WikiLeaks Discovery: Charles Barkley first started using the phrase “knucklehead” listening to Donald Watkins equate the Eric Ramsey tapes to the Rodney King beating
“Charles Barkley has become internationally renowned for using the phrase ‘knucklehead,’” Assange told a group of historians at The Hague in the Netherlands. ”Well, we have conducted in-depth studies on this and have extensive data which clearly shows he first started using this phrase when Birmingham attorney Donald Watkins was representing former Auburn defensive back Eric Ramsey. Right after Donald said, ‘The Eric Ramsey tapes will have the same impact on college athletics that the Rodney King video had on law enforcement,’ Charles started using the term ‘knucklehead’ all the time.”
Assange said his firm is still conducting studies to see if there is any correlation. who has been indicted by the Securities and Exchange Commission for defrauding profession athletes out of millions, was not immediately available for comment.
WikiLeaks Discovery: LSU interim coach Ed Orgeron turned down a chance to appear in the movie “Animal House”
LONDON, ENGLAND–WikiLeaks, a controversial organization which publishes top-secret documents, is reporting that high-level Russian hackers have unearthed irrefutable evidence that LSU interim coach Ed Orgeron was offered an opportunity to appear in the comedy movie “Animal House.”
“Ed was going to play the Faber College football coach, who makes an appearance toward the end of the movie, when Delta was kicked off campus,” said WikiLeaks editor Julian Assange. “The producers at Universal Pictures felt Coach O would be great at firing up the Delts the way Bluto did. But Coach Orgeron looked over the script and rejected it. He felt it was just too disrespectful toward college administrators in general, and didn’t want to be portrayed as a rebel rouser who is disobedient toward college administrators.”
Assange said the top brass at Universal Pictures eventually settled on John Belushi to deliver the “never-say-die” speech which Bluto became iconic for.
“Some of those lines were just too corny for me,” said Orgeron from his home in Baton Rouge.
WikiLeaks Discovery: Winston Churchill wanted Coach Orgeron to speak before the House of Commons during the evacuation of Dunkirk
STOCKHOLM, SWEEDEN–Kristinn Hrafnsson, a reporter for WikiLeaks, claims he has seen emails which confirm England prime minister Winston Churchill kicked around the idea of getting LSU interim coach Ed Orgeron to give a motivational address to the House of Commons during the Allied forces evacuation from the beaches and harbors of Dunkirk, France.
“It was one of the most troubling moments of the war, and England needed motivation any way it could get motivation,” said Hrafnsson. “800 boats were trying to rescue 300,000 soldiers who were trapped, and no one really knew how it would all turn out.”
This is when, according to Hrafnsson, Churchill entertained the idea of utilizing Coach Orgeron’s booming voice to get before the House of Commons and assure them the war was still winnable,” said Hrafnsson. “Drawing on his experience of taking over for Lane Kiffin at USC and going 6-2 would show that even during the bleakest hour there are still positives.”
WikiLeaks Discovery: FDR wanted Coach Orgeron to address Congress following the Doolittle Raid
LONDON, ENGLAND–WikiLeaks, an international website which discloses classified documents, has released emails from Hillary Clinton to top aide Doug Band which clearly shows former United States president Franklin Delano Roosevelt wanted to recruit LSU interim coach Ed Orgeron to address Congress following the Doolittle Raid, to assure American lawmakers that the tide had turned and a war against Japan was winnable.
“The raid itself was a real morale booster for America people,” said WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. “But to get Ed up before Congress in that Cajun voice of his bellowing about the greatness of America would have been a one-two punch that would have been marvelous.”
“I was all for this plan,” said Speaker of the House Sam Rayburn. “But somehow things got tangled up in red tape and we never were able to pull it off, but it would have been incredible.”
WikiLeaks Discovery: Dwight Eisenhower wanted Coach Orgeron to lead the D-Day invasion
MELBOURNE, AUSTRAILIA–Julian Assange, founder of the whistle blowing website WikiLeaks, is reporting that Dwight D. Eisenhower, Supreme Commander of the Allied Forces in Europe, contemplated utilizing LSU interim coach Ed Orgeron to lead the D-Day invasion on Normandy.
“He did mention it to me,” said General Omar Bradley. “I don’t know exactly what his thinking was, but it was an idea.”
“I imagine he wanted someone with Ed voice barking out orders,” said Assange. “That way people like Rommel or Hitler wouldn’t have any idea what hit them.”
“I can not definitively remember him saying anything about Coach Orgeron, and I can’t definitely remember him not saying anything but Coach Orgeron,” said General Bernard Montgomery.
WikiLeaks Discovery: JFK wanted to send Coach Orgeron to Havana to rough up Fidel Castro during the Cuban Missile Crisis
REYKJAVIK, ICELAND–WikiLeaks, an international website which publishes top-secret documents, is reporting that gangsters Johnny Roselli, Salvatore Giancona and Santo Trafficante recommended to president John Kennedy that the United States send LSU interim coach Ed Orgeron to the island of Cuba to handle Cuban prime minister Fidel Castro, who was trying to import inter range (R-14) ballistic missiles from the Soviet Union.
“The evidence we have indicates Kennedy wanted the mafia to kill Castro with all kinds of goofy methods, ranging from exploding cigars to poison pills,” said WikiLeaks publisher Julian Assange. “But Sam Giancona told Kennedy he needed to just cut through the jive and send Coach Orgeron down there, because Coach Orgeron would put Castro in his place immediately.”
Assange said much of Giancona’s belief stemmed from the 6-2 record Orgeron posed as interim coach at USC.
WikiLeaks Discovery: General MacArthur wanted Coach Orgeron to accompany him when he returned to the Philippines
LONDON, ENGLAND–Julian Assange, editor of a lightning rod website called WikiLeaks, claims he has unearthed emails from the private server of former LSU basketball coach Dale Brown which clearly shows five-star general Douglas MacArthur wanted LSU interim coach Ed Orgeron to walk onto Blue Beach Dagupan on the island of Luzon in the Philippines with him, to demonstrate to Hideki Tojo, general of the Imperial Japanese Army that the United States meant business in the Pacific Theater during World War II.
“Based on what we were able to piece together, General MacArthur figured Ed’s booming voice would scare the living hell out of Tojo, and he might have surrendered right then and there,” said Assange.
“Can you imagine the fear that would have gone down the spines of the people in Tokyo when Ed walked onto the island next to Mac?” said United States admiral Billy Mitchell.
WikiLeaks Discovery: Pope Urban wanted Coach Orgeron to join the Crusades
MELBOURNE, AUSTRAILIA–WikiLeaks, drawing on information obtained from emails on the server of Hillary Clinton campaign Chairman John Podesta, claims it has obtained “smoking gun” proof that Pope Urban II wanted LSU interim coach Ed Orgeron to be in an effort to capture the Holy Land.
“It was about this simple,” said WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, “Pope Urban was a French guy, from Lagery, and he wanted a guy of French ancestry he could depend on for this all-important mission. And when he found out that Coach Orgeron was of Cajun French ancestry, he was all for sending Ed on this pilgrimage to Jerusalem.”
Sources close to the situation said all the knights, peasants and serfs travelling to Constantinople had reservations about Coach Orgeron.
WikiLeaks Discovery: General George Patton wanted Coach Orgeron to assist at the Battle of the Bulge
BELGIUM, LUXEMBOURG–WikiLeaks editor Julian Assange is claiming his organization has obtained highly-sensitive emails which they’ve concluded indicate “Old Blood and Guts,” General George Patton, who commanded the Third Army in France and Germany, wanted LSU interim coach Ed Orgeron available and ready to go, in the event the Battle of the Bulge got out of hand.
“General Patton thought Coach O would be perfectly at home in the Ardennes forest,” said Assange.
“The main benefit we would have gotten out of Ed, is utilizing that thick, heavy French Cajun accent to yell at the German soldiers,” said Dwight Eisenhower. “Those guys would have retreated to the Siegfried Line immediately!”
WikiLeaks Discovery: Ronald Reagan wanted Coach Orgeron to accompany him on the Berlin Wall
REYKJAVIK, ICELAND–WikiLeaks, a controversial organization that publishes classified media from anonymous sources, has discovered information indicating that US President Ronald Reagan, in a speech at the Berlin Wall calling for Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev to open the barrier that had divided East and West Berlin since 1961, wanted to be accompanied by LSU interim coach Ed Orgeron.
“Actually, President Reagan wanted Coach Orgeron to bellow out, ‘Mister Gorbachev, tear down this wall!’” said WikiLeaks section editor Sarah Harrison. ”Mister Reagan felt that Coach Orgeron’s booming voice would really drive the point home!”
“What we were a little concerned with,” said Vice President George Herbert Bush, “is that Ed’s voice might scare the hell out of the Russians so bad they’d immediately make all their nuclear weapons war ready, which could have led to a sticky situation.”
WikiLeaks Discovery: Pericles requested Coach Orgeron speak to Greek warriors before Peloponnesian War
LONDON, ENGLAND–Julian Assange, an Australian computer programmer who has become renowned for his investigative reporting which has uncovered monumental corruption on the highest levels of government, claims he has inside information which would appear to indicate LSU interim coach Ed Orgeron was contacted by Greek statesmen Pericles about giving motivational speeches to the soldiers of Athens before the Peloponnesian War.
“We (WikiLeaks) were actually looking over Anthony Weiner’s server to find some corruption on the Clinton Foundation,” said Assange, “and low and behold, we come up with some concreate information about Pericles requesting Coach Orgeron talk to his boys.”
Assange claims Pericles knew that Orgeron, more than any man his history, is well aware that you don’t trust Greeks bearing gifts, particularly after going 6-2 at USC and still getting passed over for the job.
WikiLeaks Discovery: Thomas Jefferson wanted Coach Orgeron to deliver the “Give me liberty, or give me death” speech in lieu of Patrick Henry
LONDON, ENGLAND–WikiLeaks, an international website that has caused the Hillary Clinton campaign more damage than Japanese beetles cause to corn crops, is reporting tonight that emails discovered on the server of former United States Congressman Anthony Weiner offer clear cut proof that former US President Thomas Jefferson favored letting LSU interim coach Ed Orgeron deliver the iconic “Give me liberty, or give me death” speech at St. John’s Church in Richmond, Virginia.
“Patrick Henry was a great communicator for his time, but let’s face it, compared to Coach Orgeron he’s a ham and egger, and Thomas Jefferson sensed that,” said WikiLeaks editor Julian Assange.
“The speech Patrick gave is without doubt one of the most animated pieces of eloquence ever spoken in the English language, but I still feel if Ed had said it in that gravely French Cajun voice of his, it would have been so stunning the British would have pulled all their troops out of North America on the spot,” said Jefferson.
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