But let’s start with the UF/LSU cancellation
You’d just about have to go back to the assassination of Huey Long to find as many conspiracy theories emanating out of Baton Rouge, Louisiana as there were after the postponement of the Florida-LSU game, with Bayou Bengal fans vehemently insisting Gator athletic director Jeremy Foley pulled off the gridiron version of The Great Muppet Caper. SEC commissioner Greg Sankey announced he was calling off the game for what certainly appeared to be honorable reasons: a lethal hurricane named Matthew had already killed hundreds in Haiti and was heading towards Florida. Foley conscientiously talked about things like putting people’s safety first, the pressure which would be put on emergency personal and the impact on the facilities.
But New Orleans columnist Ron Higgins kind of blew the cover off all this righteousness with a semi-blockbuster column which pointed out a few intangibles, starting with the accusation that Foley successfully strung Sankey out for two and a half days, delaying a decision till Thursday afternoon…when few options were available. Why would Florida do this? Well, let’s see, as Dog pointed out, they’ve got a football team so decimated by injuries they could barely get by Vanderbilt. Also, a cancellation of the game could greatly impact the SEC East standings, much to Florida’s advantage. Dog also noted there were plenty of viable options available had this been acted on immediately: the game could have been played in Baton Rouge (and Foley all but indicated he’d rather face a Category 4 Hurricane in a speedo than the rejuvenated Tigers in Death Valley), the game could have been played at a neutral sight or, the game could have been simply postponed a day or two. When you consider Gainesville was hardly bothered by Matthew, and the info in Dog’s column, here are a few reasons the SEC commissioner could have come up with to postpone the game which would have been better than the one he gave:
1.) A Herd of Killer Alligators was heading towards Gainesville
BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA–The Washington Post is reporting today that SEC commissioner Greg Sankey has decided to cancel this weekend’s LSU-Florida game because of information he’s obtained from credible environmentalists that a herd of killer alligators is on the verge of descending on Gainesville, and he fears for the safety of the players, coaches and fans.
“These alligators are no joke,” said Sankey. “They recently took residence in the Florida area from somewhere in South America. They grow as long as 16 feet, weight in the vicinity of 1,600 pounds and they travel in herds of hundreds. If they make their way into Gainesville, the carnage with be indescribable!”
“And not only that,” added Florida athletic director Jeremy Foley, “these alligators are known to feast upon big, fat men with heavy Cajun accents. And that puts Coach Orgeron directly in harm’s way!”
“I certainly certainly appreciate the heads up,” said LSU interim coach Ed Orgeron. “Those guys in the SEC office are always looking out for my best interests!”
2.) The Creepy Clowns might show up
BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA–SEC commissioner Greg Sankey has told the Los Angeles Times that he is right on the verge of cancelling this weekend’s LSU-Florida game because he fears the “Creepy Clown” epidemic has reached central Florida and could cause tremendous problems for Gator and Tigers’ fans who suffer from “coulrophobia,” or fear of clowns.
“These clowns are menacing and must be taken seriously,” said Sankey. “They are evil looking, and love pushing people down the street.”
“I was originally against this cancellation,” said LSU athletic director Joe Alleva. “But once Greg explained to me how these clowns love to dress up and scare the hell out of people, I realized it was a no brainer.”
“Plus, I don’t think our law enforcement and first responders are capable of dealing with a problem like this,” said Florida athletic director Jeremy Foley. “And if we went ahead an played the game it would be putting too much pressure on them, especially if Arron Hernandez returned to Gainesville in his clown costume!”
3.) Luke Del Rio wanted to go fly fishing with Billy Bush
BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA–Entertainment Tonight is reporting that this weekend’s LSU-Florida game has been cancelled, due to the fact that SEC commissioner Greg Sankey realized this is the weekend banged-up Florida quarterback Luke Del Rio had planned a fly fishing trip with radio and television personality Billy Bush.
“I know this is going to inconvenience a few people, but it would be very inconsiderate to Luke and Billy to make them call off their fly fishing trip, especially when they had been planning on doing this for sometime,” said Sankey.
Several members of the Louisiana media have pointed out that Del Rio, and most of his offensive line, is plagued with injuries, and suggested there could be an ulterior motive here, to take the week off and help the Gators heal.
“That is pure nonsense,” said Florida athletic director Jeremy Foley. “This decision had a lot of moving parts, and to even suggest it was made to benefit the Gators’ health is absolutely ridiculous.”
4.) Jim McElwain had a gall stone he wanted to heal holistically
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–Florida athletic director has announced that he is petitioning the SEC office to call off this weekend’s LSU-Florida game, because Florida head football coach Jim McElwain has a gall stone that he wants to heal holistically.
“There is no question that once Greg (Sankey, SEC commissioner) hears me out, he will go ahead and cancel the game,” said Florida athletic director Jeremy Foley. “The commissioner is a civil enough man to realize when one wants to heal holistically, there are a lot of moving parts to be considered. Coach McElwain has to meditate on a regular basis, he has to eat the proper foods, his mind has to be in the proper spirit. So there is no question in my mind Mr. Sankey will grant our request.”
“It’s a little disappointing to me,” said LSU interim head football coach Ed Orgeron. “Because we are red-hot with momentum, and not playing the game will be like waking up on Christmas without any toys.”
“I hope to have a decision by Tuesday, unless Jeremy convinces me to drag it out to Thursday,” said Sankey.
5.) Ryan Lochte is going to be in town conducting auditions for “Dancing with the Stars.”
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–Florida athletic director Jeremy Foley has told SEC commissioner Greg Sankey that this week’s LSU-Florida game must be cancelled, due to the fact that Florida alum Ryan Lochte will be back in Gainesville conducing tryouts for “Dancing with the Stars,” and many people in the Florida athletic department, including head football coach Jim McElwain and four members of his staff, would like to audition.
“I think Jeremy has a very credible request,” said Sankey. “You can’t realistically expect those coaches at Florida to focus and both a dance competition and a football game in the same weekend. That’s a little unrealistic.”
“LSU would certainly like to play the game, but we realize the commissioner has priorities he has to honor,” said LSU athletic director Joe Alleva.
LSU job search—
LSU interim coach Ed Orgeron had some comments about the cancellation of the game, but to be real honest, we couldn’t remember what he said so much as how he said it. Or how he says everything! This guy’s voice is a national treasure. Football fans all over the nation get on the internet and marvel at how cool that voice is. It’s one in a billion! When you hear that deep, gravelly voice, it resonates of everything you think of when you hear the phrase, “French Cajun Louisianan.” And it has residents of Louisiana more united than they ever were during the “Share the Wealth” movement. When they look at Ed Orgeron, they see a guy who, “he is they and they is he.” It has been reported LSU is searching for a high-profile coach to pay Saban-type money to. But why would they want to do that? Ed Orgeron is as perfect for the part as Charlton Heston was for “Moses.” And could you imagine if the producers on Broadway cashed in on his voice and hired him to sing some of their fabled numbers? With that in mind, here are some of the stories we might be reading about:
Coach Orgeron to sing “It’s Too Late Baby” in “The Carole King Musical”
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–Carole Shorenstein Hays, owner of the Stephen Sondheim Theatre in New York City, has announced that interim LSU football coach Ed Orgeron will sing the classic hit, “It’s Too Late Baby” in its upcoming performances of The Carole King Musical.
“The Carole King story is that of the American Dream,” said former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani, a frequent guest at Broadway plays. “And to show the story of a penniless teenager who rose to a chart-topping music icon is thrilling enough, but to have Coach Orgeron make a guest appearance to sing an all-time great Carole King song will be as scintillating as anything Broadway has ever seen.”
“I had never heard of Carole before I was approached by the administration at the Sondheim Theatre,” said Orgeron. “But as I familiarized myself with her music, I realize she was a lot like this gal I knew who was in the glee club at Larose High School. She got picked on a lot because she had real bad acne, but I always liked her and as a result I’m honored to sing in the Carole King Musical!”
Coach Orgeron to sing “Tonight” in “West Side Story”
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–Actress Natalie Wood has told the New York Times she will team with LSU interim football coach Ed Orgeron to sing the iconic number “Tonight” in West Side Story, an iconic romantic musical drama which is playing at the Ambassador Theatre on 49th Street.
Wood, who plays leading protagonist Maria in the production, claims Orgeron is just flawless in the part. “His singing is stupendous,” said Wood. “But ironically, Coach Orgeron wasn’t too thrilled with the singing part, but we told him if he did it, he could participate in the rumble between the Sharks and the Jets, and he was all for that!”
“When I saw the script called for cracking people over the heads with bottles and kneecapping them with baseball bats, I got a little nostalgic for Louisiana,” said Orgeron. “Because back where I went to college in Natchitoches, we didn’t call that sort of stuff assault and battery, heck, we called it entertainment!”
Wood said she fully believes that kind of gung-ho, aggressive attitude, is why Orgeron went 6-2 as the interim coach at USC. “I think the Trojans really screwed up when they didn’t make him the full-time coach,” she said.
Coach Orgeron to sing “Dancing Queen” in “Mamma Mia”
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–Billboard Magazine is reporting that LSU interim coach Ed Orgeron has been hired to sing the song Dancing Queen in the smash romantic musical comedy “Mamma Mia” which is currently playing at Winter Garden Theatre on Broadway.
“The talent scouts took one listen to Ed’s voice and I thought they were going to explode into 20 different pieces they were laughing so hard,” said Meryl Streep, who plays the lead role of Donna Sheridan, a single mom who claims she wouldn’t know Charley McClendon from the man on the moon. “They decided we have got to get Coach Orgeron to sing Dancing Queen.”
“The musical number reminds me very much of the girl I took to the prom at Larose High School,” said Orgeron. “Only she wasn’t 17 she was 16.”
Orgeron said he immensely enjoyed meeting ABBA, since it was the first time he ever met anyone from Sweeden.
Coach Orgeron to help Zero Mostel sing “If I Were A Rich Man” in “Fiddler on the Roof”
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–Renowned actor Zero Mostel has told Entertainment Tonight that he will be joined by LSU interim coach Ed Orgeron in the singing of “If I Were A Rich Man” in the renowned musical Fiddler On The Roof, which is currently playing at the Booth Theatre in the Broadway play district of New York City.
“Coach Ed and the character I play, Tevya, have so much in common,” said Mostel. “I am minding my own business trying to be a humble milkman, and I keep getting run out of my village by the angry Russian Tsars. Coach Ed seems be always be minding his own business and he keeps getting run out of places like Oxford and Syracuse and Lake Charles by angry alumni!”
“The song was perfect for me,” said Orgeron. “When you spend your career trying to make chicken salad out of chicken feathers in places like Oxford, and get backstabbed in places like the Los Angeles Coliseum, you get to wondering why I simply couldn’t have been born a rich man?”
“My only regret is that Coach Ed wasn’t around Russia in the 1800′s,” said Mostel. “Because I feel his voice would have repelled the Tsar’s efforts to make us leave our villages.”
Coach Orgeron to sing “76 Trombones” in “The Music Man”
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–Buzz Baker, president of the Ethel Barrymore Theater in New York City, has announced that LSU interim coach Ed Orgeron will sing “76 Trombones,” the signature song of the Meredith Wilson musical, The Music Man, which is currently playing at the Barrymore Theater.
“The challenges that Coach Orgeron faces are very similar to the ones faced by Professor Harold Hill,” said Shirley Jones, who also stars in the production. “Professor Hill was a likable enough guy, a salesman who was trying to sell band uniforms to the children of River City. Coach Orgeron is also a salesman, trying to convince the people of Baton Rouge they can compete for a national championship. So that made Coach Orgeron perfect to sing this song.”
“His hair-raising voice is what got him the role,” said Baker. “We could have hired a hack like Robert Preston, who can act, but he just didn’t have the voice Ed has to command immediate attention.”
“Anyone who could recruit Michael Oher would surely sing on Broadway,” added Jones.
Coach Orgeron to sing “Edelweiss” in “The Sound of Music”
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–Billy Bush is reporting on Access Hollywood that he has a tape with film and stage actress Julie Andrews in which the English performer confirms LSU interim coach Ed Orgeron will sing the sentimental song Edelweiss, in the upcoming production of “The Sound of Music,” which will play at the Belasco Theatre in New York City.
“Julie feels Ed’s voice is just perfect for a guy trying to show patriotism towards his native country of Austria as well escape the pressure the Nazis were putting on him to join the German navy,” said Bush.
‘I can certainly empathize with Captain von Trapp,” said Orgeron from his home in Louisiana. “He was let down in the same manner me and the LSU fans were let down when our game with Florida was cancelled. So I know the proper emotion of an individual trying to maintain a strong front, when you’re really heartbroken.”
“I think the experience of getting the game with the Gators cancelled will help Ed immensely,” said Florida athletic director Jeremy Foley. “Because he can relay that heartbreaking experience to the Captain von Trapp character, and he’ll probably sing Edelweiss, better than it’s ever been sang!”
Coach Orgeron to sing “That’s Entertainment” in “That’s Entertainment, II”
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–Nancy O’Dell is reporting on Entertainment Tonight that LSU interim coach Ed Orgeron will sing the entertainment signature song “That’s Entertainment” in the production of That’s Entertainment II, which will open on Broadway next month.
“The singing is great, but to get to dance with Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly is an opportunity I just couldn’t pass up,” said Orgeron, who is in Louisiana preparing his team against Ole Miss, led by quarterback Chad Kelly, who is no relation to Gene Kelly.
“Ed can tap dance as well as any Division One coach I have ever seen,” said Astaire, who will dance and sing in the number along with Orgeron and Kelly. (Gene, not Chad.)
“Getting someone with Ed’s voice to sing in an MGM production, just might be the biggest thing to happen to MGM since Greta Garbo played Joan of Arc,” said MGM chairman Gary Barber.
“When you consider my Southern background, it’s probably the biggest thing to happen to MGM since Clark Gable played Rhett Butler in Gone with the Wind,” added Orgeron.
Coach Orgeron to sing “You’ve Gotta Have Heart” in “Damn Yankees”
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–The Gershwin Theatre in New York City has announced that LSU interim coach Ed Orgeron will sing the uplifting song “You’ve Gotta Have Heart,” in its production of Damn Yankees, a musical comedy based on a book written by George Abbott.
“We think Broadway theatre goers will be just mesmerized by Coach Orgeron’s voice,” said Gershwin Theatre president Dave Baker. “It will be a spectacle like the entertainment community in New York City has never seen before and will never see again.”
“I won’t be going into this performance cold turkey,” said Orgeron from his office in Baton Rouge. “I have plenty of experience doing this. I used to sing this song to my team at Ole Miss every year I coached in Oxford.”
“He also sang it to the USC team every year I coached the Trojans,” added Alabama offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin.
“That was actually the highlight of Lane’s seasons here at Southern Cal,” said former USC athletic director Pat Haden, who fired Kiffin at LAX Airport then made him find his own way home.
Coach Orgeron to sing “Luck Be A Lady Tonight” in “Guys and Dolls”
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–The Louisiana State athletic department has announced that Tiger interim football coach Ed Orgeron will sing the song “Luck Be A Lady Tonight” in the Damon Runyon classic Guys and Dolls, which is currently playing at the Majestic Theatre in New York City.
“We got a call from Frank Sinatra requesting Ed sing the song,” said Joe Alleva. “At first I was a little hesitant, but I recall reading somewhere that ol’ Blue Eyes has mob connections, so we certainly didn’t want to cross the wrong people.”
“I’m just thrilled they wanted me,” said Orgeron. “To get to perform with people like Sinatra and Marlon Brando is something I never thought I’d do while growing up in Larose, Louisiana.”
“You could travel all the backroads and side streets from Hoboken, New Jersey to Larose, Louisiana and back, and not find someone with Ed’s voice!” said Sinatra.
Coach Orgeron to sing “Hello Dolly” in “Hello Dolly”
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–Actress/singer Barbara Streisand has told The New Yorker Magazine that LSU interim head football coach Ed Orgeron will sing the title song of the popular musical comedy “Hello Dolly,” which will open on Broadway the week the Bayou Bengals play Alabama at Tiger Stadium.
“This could really be a week of distractions,” Orgeron told WWL-TV in New Orleans. “So many people are speculating that if we beat Alabama the LSU administration will offer me the LSU job full time, so I’ve got to stay focused on the game, on the other hand, to get to sing with Barbara in an American classic like Hello Dolly is something even Nick Saban couldn’t pass up.”
“Our office really supported Coach Orgeron’s decision to sing with Barbara Streisand in Hello Dolly,” said SEC commissioner Greg Stankey. “It really shows the versatility of our coaches.”
The New Yorker Magazine is reporting that tickets to the performance can be purchased online or by calling the Circle in the Square Theatre at 212-476-9900.
Coach Orgeron to sing “Oh What A Night!” in “Jersey Boys”
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–Pop singer Frankie Valli, lead singer for The Four Seasons, has told The National Enquirer that LSU interim coach Ed Orgeron will sing “December 1963 (Oh What A Night!)” in the jukebox musical Jersey Boys, which is currently playing at the August Wilson Theater in New York City.
“It is such an eerie circumstance,” said Valli. “The producers were drawn to Coach Orgeron by his highly unusual voice, the same as gangster Gyp DeCarlo noticed me because of my unusual voice.”
“I’m very anxious to show those punks from New Jersey that us Louisiana Cajuns are every bit as good crooners as they are,” said Orgeron.
“Ed is in the big time now,” said Valli. “This isn’t the Sunrise Rotary Club of Baton Rouge, this is Broadway! He better be able to croon with the best of them.”
Coach Orgeron to sing “I’m Getting Married in the Morning” in “My Fair Lady”
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–ABC News is reporting that stage and screen actor Rex Harrison has told them that LSU interim coach Ed Orgeron will sing the timeless wedding song “I’m Getting Married in the Morning,” in the epic musical comedy, My Fair Lady, which opens on Broadway this week.
“He’ll actually play the role of Henry Higgins, although his phonetics probably won’t be as good as Henry’s,” said Harrison.
“Getting to sing on Broadway is something I’ve always had on my bucket list,” said Orgeron. “So in a way I guess you could say this is a dream come true.”
“If he can get the LSU offense chugging, he can certainly correct the mannerisms of Eliza Doolittle,” said former LSU offensive coordinator Cam Cameron.
The play is scheduled for a three-week rendezvous in London, which Orgeron said will help LSU’s recruiting in the Piccadilly Circus area.
Coach Orgeron to sing “Old Man River” in “Showboat”
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–The Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts, located in the Lincoln Square district of Manhattan in New York City, has announced that LSU interim coach Ed Orgeron will assist with the singing of the Oscar Hammerstein classic song, “Old Man River” in the renowned musical Showboat.
“To get to make an appearance in such a timeless show is a very humbling experience!” exclaimed Orgeron.
“His voice will add an element to this timeless wonder which the theatre district of New York City has never seen before, and will never see again,” wrote the New York Times.
The USA Today said Orgeron’s performance rates right up there with anything seen in An American in Paris or Aladdin.
BroadwayBox.com called Orgeron’s performance, “peerless.”
Taking this a step further—
Could you imagine if Hollywood had the forbearance to have Coach Orgeron sing the opens to some of it’s classic sitcoms? Here are some of the headlines we might be looking at:
Coach Orgeron to sing the open in “All In The Family”
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA–Producer Norman Lear has told the New York Times that LSU interim coach Ed Orgeron will team with actress Jean Stapleton to sing the open of “All In The Family,” a sitcom scheduled to open this fall on CBS.
“With Ed’s unique voice, I think he will draw attention nationwide by singing Those Were The Days,” said Lear.
“This is an incredible humbling honor for me,” said Orgeron from his office in Baton Rouge. “This TV series just might be the most influential TV show in the history of television, and to be included in this is something I never thought would happen when I was growing up in Lorose, Louisiana!”
“When you consider that All In The Family touches on issues which were always thought to be unsuitable for TV, this is really a great day for the SEC,” said SEC commissioner Greg Sankey.
Coach Orgeron to sing the open in “Gilligan’s Island”
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA–Access Hollywood is reporting that United Artists Television has contracted LSU interim coach Ed Orgeron to sing the open for its new sitcom “Gilligan’s Island,” which will air this fall on the CBS television network.
“It’s a very interesting concept I am looking forward to being part of,” said Orgeron from Hammond, Louisiana, where he spent the afternoon recruiting. ”You basically have a bunch of dudes who get shipwrecked on this island, and they’re always trying to figure out way to get off. Many of the reasons they fail is blamed on this little guy named Gilligan, and I feel sorry for him. He reminds me of Les Miles and Lane Kiffin. There is only so much you can do in certain situations!”
“Coach Orgeron has the kind of personality to make this kind of a venture work,” said LSU athletic director Joe Alleva. “I imagine in a few episodes he will have Ginger and Mary Ann eating out of his hand.”
Coach Oregern to sing the open in “Rawhide”
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFONIA–Clint Eastwood has told the Hollywood Insider that interim LSU coach Ed Orgeron will sing the open to the new CBS western “Rawhide” which will debut at the start of the fall season.
“If ever there was a man who was made to sing the Rawhide theme song it is Coach Orgeron,” said Eastwood, who stars as trailboss Rowdy Yates in the series. “The way Ed talks, you just envision a cowboy riding cattle, roping it and wrestling it to the ground. This will be a landmark moment in American television.”
“I really like the concept of this show,” said Orgeron. “These challenges faced by members of a cattle drive remind me very much of what I am facing at LSU today.”
LSU alums even asked Orgeron to suggest a scene for the show, in which former LSU offensive coordinator Cam Cameron is thrown under the cattle drive and stomped to death, but the Federal Communications Commission rejected the idea as cruel and unusual punishment.
“I this is a match made in heaven” said Florida athletic director Jeremy Foley. “Every time I hear Ed talk I always envision Rawhide.”
“The year he coached USC, I always thought we were a Rawhide outfit, but not enough of a Rawhide outfit to justify giving him the job full time,” said former USC athletic director Pat Haden.
Coach Orgeron to sing the open in “Mr. Ed”
“We actually were first planning on using Coach Ed Orgeron as the full time voice of Mr. Ed, a talking horse, but his coaching schedule would not permit it,” said MGM president Maury Gertsman.
“When I heard it was about a talking horse, I thought for sure it must have been a counter proposal by Jeremy Foley,” said Orgeron. “But when I found out it involved wholesome family entertainment, I wanted to be involved.”
“I wondered if Coach Orgeron could coexist with someone as disorganized as Wilber Post,” said LSU athletic director Joe Alleva. “But I think it could work.”
Coach Orgeron to sing the open in “The Beverly Hillbillies”
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA–Buddy Ebsen, who stars as Jed Clampett in the new CBS sitcom The Beverly Hillbillies, has told the Screen Actors Guild that he lobbied long and hard to get LSU interim head football coach Ed Orgeron to sing the open for the show.
“Ed has the most distinctive voice in the country, and that’s what we need to make this show work,” said Ebsen.
“This was a great opportunity to meet Miss Elly May Clampett, something I never thought I would do when I was growing up in Larose, Louisiana,” said Orgeron.
Donna Douglas, who plays the role of Miss Elly May, is actually from Baton Rouge, and she said she, like everyone in the state of Louisiana, plans to support the idea of making Orgeron the full-time head coach at LSU.
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