Nothing gets the ticket-buying, cable-watching public more excited than when the drama hits Desperate Housewives levels, be it Louisville getting accused of running a brothel in its athletic dorm or questions being raised about the alleged barbaric atmosphere allowed to exist at Baylor–a politically-correct, high-moral institution which is too smart to tell its critics to “go bleep yourselves” but, ever since the Art Briles era got awful shady, the school has pretty much intimated its critics could go suffer a severe groin injury not covered in their workman’s compensation packages.
Confront those Rick Pitinos and make’em explain! With law enforcement officials to boot! And Alabama citizens are about to have one rip-roaring summer of fun in this regard. The governor of the state, the speaker of the house and the chief justice of the supreme court are all involved in page-one scandals which could end their careers. And if that’s not dramatic enough, the Crimson Tide’s best player, who happens to be the best lineman in the country, was just arrested on a felony charge which included Schedule I drugs and stolen weapons. So if that ticket-buying, cable watching public in Alabama doesn’t have the champagne pouring, its only because they lost the bottle openers. So, where do we start?
Let’s forget those three branches of government for awhile and start with that beloved 6-6, 325-pound behemoth Cam Robinson, who just might be the first player taken in the 2017 NFL draft. Cam ran into a few problems he could sure do without back home in West Monroe, Louisiana, when he was discovered early morning in possession of a bag of marijuana, with a handgun on his lap and a stolen gun under his car seat. The internet immediately blew up as felony charges were possible and Crimson Tide fans of every rank hit that panic button. But skipping to nuclear alert was premature, as attorneys explained there really isn’t all that much reason for alarm. The Quachita Parish District Attorney’s office, which has a history of “working with youths to keep felonies off their records” will simply downgrade the charges to misdemeanors, the presiding judge will determine since Cam has no previous arrests community service is all this warrants, and Cam will go about the business of pounding opponents into the turf like ten-penny nails this fall. And even if they didn’t do that, here are some of the ways Alabama could easily get Cam off:
Claim Cam was doing a project for Civics Class
WEST MONROE, LOUISIANA–The Monroe News Star is reporting that Quachita Parish District Attorney Joe Sable has decided to drop all charges against Alabama football player Cam Robinson upon receiving a letter from Robinson’s attorney detailing the player’s involvement in a recent arrest for concealed weapons and stolen weapons.
“It really was a bit of a misunderstanding,” said Sable. “It seems Cam was preparing a report for a mandatory civics class at the University on Alabama on Second Amendment rights. And Cam was doing research as to what the legal ramifications would be should one get caught at two in the morning, sitting in a car smoking dope, while holding a gun on his lap and having a stolen gun under his seat. It certainly is a logical explanation and the Quachita Parish DA’s office would like to apologize to Cam for the inconvenience and the arresting officers send their condolences too.”
Robinson’s attorney did not state whether or not Robinson would file a civil lawsuit against Quachita Parish for all the embarrassment this has caused Cam, but he did add all cards are on the table.
Claim Cam was doing a project for Health Class
WEST MONROE, LOUISIANA–KNOE-TV of Monroe, Louisiana has reported that a district judge has thrown out all charges against Alabama lineman Cam Robinson following a hearing early this morning.
Quachita Parish district judge Tom McCarry dismissed felony charges for gun possession and marijuana possession after hearing arguments from Robinson’s attorney that Cam is taking a health class at the University of Alabama, was doing research on the legalization of medical marijuana in Colorado for this class, and wanted to get first-hand experience on the subject matter by taking a pile of this product to a local park at two in the morning and testing it out.
“I know this sounds like a stretch,” said McCarry. “But I liked Cam’s sincerity on the matter, so I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. Louisiana state law calls for at least one year imprisonment for such violations but I think it would be ridiculous to impose such penalties when Cam was just trying to get a good grade for his health class.”
Claim the gun was planted by Gus Malzahn
WEST MONROE, LOUISIANA–The Ruston Daily News has reported that Quachita Parish district judge Tom McCarry plans to toss out felony charges against Alabama star football player Cam Robinson after listening to Robinson’s attorney explain in a preliminary hearing that the guns found in Robinson’s vehicle were more than likely planted by Auburn coach Gus Malzahn.
“That Auburn-Alabama rivalry can get pretty testy, and this court is aware of that,” ruled McCarry. “And I see no need in going forth with the prosecution of Cameron Robinson when it sounds perfectly logical Auburn coach Gus Malzahn could have sneaked over to Monroe in the middle of the night, placed the guns in Cameron’s vehicle without Cam knowing about their presence, then alerted local police there was a suspicious car in a park at two in the morning with the aroma of marijuana coming out of it.”
The Monroe Chamber of Commerce indicated it was disappointed by the ruling, due to the the income which would have been generated for the community had a local trial of national significance been held for a superstar college football player.
Claim the gun was planted by Hugh Freeze
WEST MONROE, LOUISIANA–”The explanation sounds perfectly sound to me,” is how Quachita Parish district attorney Joe Sable was quoted in the Shreveport Times regarding his decision to drop charges against Alabama lineman Cam Robinson, upon reviewing a theory from Robinson’s attorney stating the guns were more than likely planted in Robinson’s vehicle by Ole Miss coach Hugh Freeze in an attempt to divert all the negative attention his school has received lately for a video showing Rebel offensive lineman Laremy Tunsil smoking a bong while wearing a gas mask.
“This theory is solid, and it is a shame that a fine individual like Cam Robinson could be the target of a false flag operation devised by Coach Freeze in an effort to get his school out of the news by diverting news coverage to another source,” added Sable.
Sable said he would not go through with the prosecution till he was one-hundred percent certain Freeze had no involvement in the incident, and since proving this would be about one-hundred percent impossible, he has dropped all charges against Robinson.
Claim the gun was planted by Paul Finebaum
WEST MONROE, LOUISIANA–The New Orleans Times-Picayune is reporting that Quachita Parish district attorney Joe Sable plans to drop felony charges for stolen gun possession against Alabama lineman Cam Robinson, after receiving a letter from the Birmingham Crimson Tide Booster Club suggesting that the gun was more than likely planted by talk show host Paul Finebaum in an effort to boost his ratings.
“My concern, is that it would definitely be to Paul’s advantage to have any high-profile football player in the SEC arrested for a felony charge,” said Sable. “And the Birmingham boosters simply pointed out there would assuredly be a spike in Finebaum’s ratings by all the interviews he’d be conducing with high-profile coaches like Nick Saban and Les Miles on the matter. It would also spark interest amongst listeners calling in to give their take on Cam’s guilt of innocence. And until someone can prove to me Finebaum was not involved, I refuse to go forward with a prosecution.”
Monroe chief of police Artie Higgins said he had no idea how Finebaum could slip into their community at two in the morning undetected and plant a firearm, but he was not about to protest Sable’s decision.
Nick Saban refused to discuss the charges, claiming all such matters at Alabama are handled internally, but if his likely punishments were made public, here are some of the punishments you’d probably see Cam have to deal with:
Cam not allowed to participate in the school spelling bee
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–Alabama football coach Nick Saban has announced that Crimson Tide all-American lineman Cam Robinson will not be allowed to participate in the school spelling bee, due to an off-the-field incident which occurred in his hometown of Monroe, Louisiana.
“Cam is just devastated that he wouldn’t get the chance to demonstrate his skills in the upcoming school spelling bee,” said Saban. “He has worked long and hard preparing for this competition. But we have to send a strong message to our athletes that if you get involved in things like illegal drugs and concealed weapons, the punishment will be swift and effective.”
“This is definitely one the biggest disappointments in my career,” said Robinson. “I can’t tell you how heartbroken I am not to get to participate in the school spelling bee. But I accept Coach Saban’s punishment and I hope to learn from it.”
Robinson’s coach at West Monroe High School in Louisiana said he was not aware Robinson had a predilection for spelling bees, and could not think of one spelling bee Robinson ever entered in junior high or high school.
Cam not allowed to appear in sorority recruiting video
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–WBRC-TV in Birmingham is reporting that Alabama football coach Nick Saban is refusing to allow Alabama football player Cam Robinson to be in the Alpha Phi sorority recruiting video as punishment for an off-the-field incident which happened in his hometown of Monroe, Louisiana last May.
“Cam is just heartbroken,” said Saban. “I’ll bet he’s lost 100 pounds since we informed him of our decision last month. But it is my belief that people who get arrested for drugs and guns should not be appearing in videos featuring some of the most wholesome young ladies in America.”
“I can’t begin to tell you how heartbroken Cam is over this,” said Robinson’s attorney. “It is well known, if you get in the Alpha Phi sorority recruiting video, you are going to be seen on everything from Good Morning America to the Today Show. This is hard for Cam to deal with, but the hope here is he learns for his past experiences and becomes a better person because of it.”
“I’ve waited my whole life to be in this video,” said Robinson. “The main reason I selected Alabama over places like LSU, Florida and Michigan was to be in this video. So the disappointment is absolutely earth shattering.”
Cam forbidden from entering Homecoming sack races
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–The Montgomery Advertiser has reported that Alabama star offensive lineman Cam Robinson will not be allowed to participate in the school’s Homecoming sack races. This decision came after the Crimson Tide coaching staff reviewed evidence following Robinson’s arrest in West Monroe, Louisiana for drug possession as well as possession of a stolen gun.
“Cam nearly had a heart attack when we informed him of our decision,” said Alabama coach Nick Saban. “But it is a privilege to compete in the Homecoming sack races, and the question was raised among our staff whether an individual who gets arrested for drugs and guns should be allowed to have that privilege.”
“Cam was just devastated over this news,” said Alabama offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin. “To show you how much Cam was looking forward to this, he had already ordered a large sack to accommodate his 325-pound body from company in South Wales, Australia which specializes in these kinds of competitions.”
Alabama athletic director Bill Battle said Robinson has been placed on suicide watch since he was informed of the coaching staff’s decision.
Cam not allowed to enter the school ice skating championship
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–The Huntsville Times is reporting that Alabama coach Nick Saban plans to withhold Crimson Tide star offensive lineman Cam Robinson from the school ice skating championship as punishment for an off-the-field incident which occurred last May in which Robinson was arrested for drugs and guns.
“This is a tough pill to shallow,” said Robinson. “But I guess the coaches felt they need to let me know if you hang out at two in the morning with a bag of pot in your car and a gun on your lap, it will be challenged by the coaching staff. So I’m just going to have to man up to my actions and take my punishment like an adult.”
“Cam has spent all summer practicing his loops, and jumps and axles, so it is ashamed he threw this opportunity away, but rules have to be obeyed,” said Alabama coach Nick Saban.
Robinson’s high school coach at West Monroe (Louisiana) High School said he was unaware Robinson had an interest in skating.
The University of Alabama vice president for student affairs said he was unaware the school had an ice skating championship.
Cam not allowed to sing in the school choir for entire month of September
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–Alabama head football coach Nick Saban has announced that Crimson Tide offensive lineman Cam Robinson will not be allowed to sing with the school choir for the entire month of September, as punishment for an off-the-field incident involving marijuana possession and a stolen firearm.
“Our players need to understand the great respect we have for the rules at the University of Alabama,” said Saban. “And when rules are broken, consequences will take effect.”
Alabama assistant Coach Lane Kiffin said Robinson broke down crying when informed he was banned from the choir for a month. “Cam loved being part of the ensemble, and to have to do without it for a month is devastating for him.”
Robinson’s high school coach in Monroe, Louisiana said he was not aware Robinson sang in the school choir.
The University of Alabama vice president for student affairs said he was unaware Alabama had a school choir.
Cam suspended from university library book club
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–Nick Saban, head football coach at the University of Alabama, has announced that Crimson Tide lineman Cam Robinson will be suspended from the Amelia Gayle Goras Library Book Club on the campus of Alabama, for the entire fall semester. This, in light of an off-the-field incident which occurred in May where Robinson has arrested for possessing illegal narcotics and a stolen handgun.
“I’ll be honest with you, I felt Cam was spending too much time with the book club as is; time he could have been spending in the weight room or in the film room,” said Saban. “And I was going to ask Cam to scale back his book club meetings till the season was over. But now, I feel I have an even more important point to make to Cam: if you don’t follow the rules you could loose the things you really love. And while I certainly realize the book club enriches Cam’s college experience, not allowing him to be involved with the book club teaches an even more valuable life lesson.”
“I was in the middle of a great biography by form Chinese dictator Mao Zedong,” said Robinson. “I am really looking forward to completing it, but I guess I’ll have to wait till the spring semester.”
The Associated Press is reporting that not one of Alabama’s 97 scholarship football players was aware Robinson was in the Amelia Gayle Goras Library Book Club.
Cam not allowed to march with the Million Dollar Band in the Memorial Day Parade
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–University of Alabama athletic director Bill Battle has told the Mobile Register that Alabama lineman Cam Robinson will not be allowed to march with the Million Dollar Band in the Memorial Day Parade this weekend in Birmingham, as punishment for an off-the-field incident last May in Monroe, Louisiana. Robinson was arrested with an Alabama teammate for possession of marijuana as well as having a concealed, stolen handgun in his car.
“Nick (Saban) wants to make it very clear these types of incidents will not be tolerated at the University of Alabama, which is why he is handing down the harshest punishment he can think of,” said Battle.
Robinson, who says he has spent the entire summer polishing up his clarinet playing, said he will miss marching in the parade, but he realizes rules must be followed.
“I feel Coach Saban was very fair about my situation,” said Robinson. “I used poor judgement to get myself in this bind. By not getting to march with the Million Dollar Band in the Memorial Day Parade will serve to remind me I must always use proper judgement.”
Alabama governor Robert Bentley also finds himself in hot water these days, this stemming from accusations he is having an affair with his top aide, an audio tape made public which seems to prove it, and a school of piranha fish and pack of wolves at his doorstep demanding he be impeached. But this has been an invaluable experience in many ways for the governor. And, even if he is booted from office, the experience gained no doubt would open all sorts of opportunities in the acting profession. And here are some roles he’s be unequivocally qualified for were Hollywood about to do remakes of any of these movies:
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA–Inside Edition is reporting that 20th Century Fox plans to produce a remake of the sensational Walter Wanger classic “Cleopatra” and plans to utilize Alabama governor Robert Bentley and his senior adviser Rebekah Mason playing leading roles.
“We would be foolish not to cast Robert as Mark Antony and Rebekah as Cleopatra, based on the experiences they’ve had in state politics,” said director Joseph Mankiewicz.
Mankiewicz said the plot grows incredibly realistic after Roman senators kill Julius Caesar, and Governor Bentley figures out a way to ascend to the head of the Roman Empire.
Mankiewicz said the plot gets even more realistic at the Battle of Actium, when Mason thinks Antony is dead, and makes arrangements to align herself with Octavian.
“All in all, great casting by Hollywood,” said Inside Edition.
Bonnie and Clyde
BURBANK, CALIFORNIA–People Magazine is reporting that Warner Brother Studios is elated to announce that not only are they planning a remake of the Arthur Penn epic classic “Bonnie and Clyde,” but they have signed Alabama governor Robert Bentley and his top senior adviser Rebekah Caldwell Mason to play the leading roles.
“Overall, you would have to say Governor Bentley is a much more believable Clyde Burrow than Warren Beatty ever was, and in the same vein, you’d have to say Rebekah Mason is a much more believable Bonnie Parker than Faye Dunaway ever was,” said director Michael J. Pollard.
Pollard said the scene where Bonnie and Clyde capture and humiliate Texas Ranger Frank Hammer reminds him very much of what Bentley and Mason have done to the voters of Alabama.
“But it all works out in the end, when one of their trusted advisers turns on them, and law enforcement sets a trap for them, and police in the bushes open fire,” said Pollard.
Seven Year Itch
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA–E!News is reporting that 20th Century Fox plans to release a remake of the Billy Wilder classic film “Seven Year Itch,” utilizing Alabama governor Robert Bentley as Richard Sherman, the nerdy, middle aged publishing executive with a penchant for a midlife crisis, and his top aide Rebekah Caldwell Mason as the Marilyn Monroe “Girl” who plays an aspiring actress.
“All the pieces are in place for this to be a splendid romantic comedy, although if Bentley gets impeached over the whole thing it might seem so amusing,” said producer Charles K. Feldman.
The premise, is most men, after about 40 years of marriage, go a little nutsy cuckoo and start thinking about extra marital relations.
“Once again, the movie will contain once of the most iconic images of the 20th century,” said Feldman. “I’m talking about the scene where Rebekah is standing on a subway grate, and a train comes along blowing up her white dress. I think moviegoers are going to be captivated by Rebekah’s performance in that scene!”
BURBANK, CALIFORNIA–TMZ has reported that Warner Brothers Studios has agreed in principal to do a remake of Hal Wallis’ classic “Casablanca,” casting Alabama governor Robert Bentley as the iconic Rick Blaine and his alleged lover Rebekah Mason as the irresistible Ilsa Lund.
“This makes all the sense in the world,” said Warner Brothers CEO Arthur Edeson. “Rick and Ilsa were allegedly lovers on the silver screen, and Robert and Rebekah were allegedly lovers in real life. So the chemistry is there.”
The movie gets off to a fast start when Bentley becomes the proprietor of an upscale club in Old Cloverdale, and Mason walks in the establishment his first day on the job. To which he utters, “Of all the gin joints, in all the counties, in the whole state of Alabama, she walks in this one.”
The action ends with Bentley putting Mason on a plane back to Tuscaloosa after a tape recording of a liaison between them is played on the internet. As Mason departs he says, “Here’s to looking at you kid….remember, we’ll always have Montgomery.”
The Way We Were
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA–A Current Affair is reporting that Columbia Pictures, in conjunction with Rastar Productions, is planning to release a remake of the Sydney Pollack classic, “The Way We Were,” utilizing Alabama governor Robert Bentley for the Robert Redford part, and his top senior adviser Rebekah Mason for the Barbara Streisand part.
“We just could not have found a better combination for this romantic drama than Robert and Rebekah,” said Columbia Pictures vice president Ray Stark.
Mason plays an irritatingly vocal rebel rouser with strong political opinions and ambitions. Bentley is much more laid back, a medical doctor with little political ambition.
“But their personalities mesh in a strange way,” said producer Marvin Hamlisch.
The high point of the movie comes when Mason uses McCarthyism to have Spencer Collier, head of the Alabama Law Enforcement Agency, removed from his office.
The movie ends with Mason trying to take over the Capitol Building, as sane members of the administration try to stop her, and the realization that they will always have the memory of the way they were.
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA–Rolling Stone Magazine is reporting in its upcoming edition that Paramount Pictures plans to launch a remake of Randal Kleiser’s romantic comedy “Grease.” The magazine is reporting that Alabama governor Robert Bentley will play the part of Danny Zuko, previously played by John Travolta, and the Alabama governor’s senior aide Rebekah Mason will play the role of Sandy Olsson, previously played by Olivia Newton-John.
“The biggest question we have about Governor Bentley and Ms. Mason is we don’t know just how good they can sing,” said producer Allan Carr. “And these roles call for plenty of singing. But we are confident when the time comes, they’ll be doing plenty of singing!”
Screenwriter John Burnett said he is especially looking forward to hearing Bentley and Mason sing “Summer Loving,” which he feels that voters of Alabama can really relate to, thus giving the movie a built-in audience in the Deep South. ”Another high point is where Rebecca sings ‘Hopelessly Devoted to You,’ to Governor Bentley, professing her deep, unabiding respect for him,” said Burnett.
Gone With the Wind
BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA–Vanity Fair Magazine is reporting that MGM Studio has plans in the works to do a remake of the record-breaking epic film “Gone With The Wind,” and is currently negotiating with Alabama governor Robert Bentley and his top aide Rebekah Mason for the roles of Rhett Butler and Scarlet O’Hara.
“Getting Governor Bentley and Rebekah Mason locked into a contract will be essential to the success of this production,” said MGM president Max Selznick. “They are the most believable southern couple we could possibly get for these roles, giving our production instant credibility. If you recall, in the original, Clark Gable was actually from Ohio and Vivian Leigh came from England. So they struggled and had to really concentrate on being southerners. But that won’t be the case with Robert and Rebekah.”
Selznick feels that Mason will be especially outstanding in the scene where Scarlet vows to never go hungry again. But he does have his concerns as to how believable Bentley can be in the final scene, when he is required to say, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
“Robert is really going to have to work on that line,” said Selznick. “Because all southerners know in real life Governor Bentley would never talk to Rebecca like that.”
BURBANK, CALIFORNIA–OK!Magazine is reporting that Touchstone Pictures is investigating the possibility of remaking their blockbuster romantic comedy “Pretty Woman,” and are planning to offer the Richard Gere role to Alabama governor Robert Bentley and the Julia Roberts role to his top aide, Rebekah Caldwell Mason.
“Governor Bentley and Rebekah Mason would just be perfect for these parts,” reasoned director Garry Marshall. “So much of the areas they will be required to perform as thespians they’ve already performed in real life. I mean, starting with Bentley going on a road trip and hiring Mason for eye candy purposes. But eventually Rebecca shows Robert another way of living, and he kind turns on the lawyers and staff advisers who have made him what he is, and rides off into the sunset with Rebecca.”
Marshall said he is also looking forward to the scene when Rebekah goes off to Rodeo Drive to buy some eloquent clothing, and is confronted by snobs who snub her for her overtly sexual appearance.
“If Rebekah can duplicate her performance of the night Governor Bentley was elected, those sales gals at the boutiques on Rodeo Drive are in for one stunning experience,” bellowed Marshall.
ORLANDO, FLORIDA–Touchstone Pictures, in conjunction with Walt Disney Studios, has announced it will be producing a remake of its 2009 romantic comedy “The Proposal,” utilizing Alabama politics for the backdrop of the film and as the major story line.
“What happens is this movie, is that Rebekah Mason is an up-and-coming political force in the state of Alabama,” said director Anne Fletcher. “But she encounters a problem when she realizes she violated her visa, and faces deportment back to Northern Ireland where her only option is to work as a shipbuilder.”
Mason discovers a loophole that will allow her to stay in America, if she can marry an American husband.
“That when all the rip-roaring fun starts,” said Fletcher. “First, she convinces her boss, Governor Robert Bentley, to divorce his wife and start dating her. Then she convinces him to allocate massive amounts of money to her consulting firm. Then she convinces him to fire Spencer Collier, his longtime aide.”
But Collier spills the beans when he records Bentley talking provocatively over the phone to Mason while in his office.
“This is where we need to polish the governor’s act up,” said Fletcher. “‘Take off that earring’ is hardly a go-to line for an slick adulterer!”
Breakfast at Tiffany’s
BURBANK, CALIFORNIA–The Today Show is reporting that Paramount Pictures is planning a remake of its 1961 iconic romantic comedy ”Breakfast at Tiffany’s” and will cast Alabama political operative Rebekah Mason as Holly Golightly, a naive cafe society girl, who was played by Audrey Hepburn in the original movie.
“Rebekah’s talent clearly exceeds Audrey’s,” said director Blake Edwards.
Edwards said the highlight of the movie is when Mason, at the request of Alabama governor Robert Bentley, sings “Moon River” to the Alabama state senate, sparking speculation that her relationship with the governor may be more than Alabama voters are aware.
Atlantic Monthly has already predicted Mason’s rendition of “Moon River” will go down as one of the most blockbuster moments in cinematic history.
House Speaker Mike Hubbard has come a long way since taking over the Auburn Network and if any of the 23 felony charges are proven against him in a Lee County courtroom, he’ll be going a long way for a long time. But even if he is forced out of his job, his political experience would no doubt assuredly qualify him for some Hollywood roles should there be remakes on any of these cinematic productions:
QUEENS, NEW YORK–Dateline NBC is reporting that Silvercup Studios plans to bring back a remake of its crime drama television series, “The Sopranos,” with the addition of Alabama Speaker of the House Mike Hubbard included in the cast.
“Mike is going to replace Paulie “Walnuts” Gualtieri, as a soldier who is blindly loyal to Tony (Soprano) and who runs the family’s strip club headquarters as well as an automotive shop,” said series screenwriter David Chase. “But where having Mike on board becomes invaluable, is he is eventually going to run for public office in New Jersey, first as a city councilman and eventually as a state representative. And of course, he is completely in the DiMeo crime family’s back pocket, extorting honest businessmen and collecting graft from countless sources.”
Chase feels Hubbard’s experience in Alabama politics makes him perfectly suited for the part.
“The only difference between what Mike is doing now, and what he’ll be doing for our show, is as a private citizen he runs the Auburn Network, whereas in the show he’ll be running a stripe joint.”
Chase says he can see a director correlation between broadcasters and strippers, so Hubbard should have no problem slipping right in.
BURBANK, CALIFORNIA–US Magazine is reporting that Warner Brother Studios plans on doing a remark of its classic crime drama movie “Goodfellas,” with Alabama Speaker of the House Mike Hubbard joining the cast as a local New York City politician who is getting paid off by Henry Hill (Ray Liotta), Jimmy “The Gent” Conway (Robert DeNiro) and Tommy DeVito (Joe Pesci) to assure security at LaGuardia Airport is at a bare minimum, making it possible for the Lucchese Crime Family to rob the place blind.
“I fought hard to get Mike for this part,” said film director Martin Scorsese. “We wanted someone with experience in political corruption, and all we had to do was look down south to Alabama!”
The one weakness Scorsese sees with Hubbard on the cast, is when the crime family decides to bribe the Boston College basketball team into a point shaving scandal.
“To be able to have a betting interest to where you are going to be able to bribe people to shave points, you have to have a good team,” said Scorsese. “And Auburn hasn’t had one of them since Cliff Ellis left town, so you know Mike has no experience bribing players into shaving the point spread!”
All the King’s Men
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA--EXTRA!TV Show is reporting that Columbia Pictures is preparing to do a remake of its film adaption of the Pulitzer Prize-winning novel “All the King’s Men,” with Alabama Speaker of the House Mike Hubbard in an acting role for the production.
“Everyone knows the story of Willie Stark, based on the real life politician Huey Long,” said director James Horner. “Huey was a politician who starts out with the right intentions, but when he wins office, he eventually gets corrupted by the same forces he fought against to win his office.Well, Mike is going to be cast as Willie’s right-hand man, an individual who learns the ropes from Willie, and learns all about corrupt politics himself.”
Horner did say Columbia Pictures was also thinking about bringing it Birmingham News columnist John Archibald to play the role of newspaper reporter Jack Burden, who takes an interest in Willie, and tells the story of his rise and fall, but ultimately decided not to do so.
“The part where Willie asks Jack to dig up dirt on Judge Irwin is something we had a real problem with,” said Horner. “In real life John would never do such a thing, and we didn’t want to leave Alabama moviegoers with the impressions he might, even in Hollywood!”
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA–Entertainment Tonight is reporting that Paramount Pictures, in conjunction with Long Road Productions, will shortly release a remake of its classic mystery film “Chinatown,” and Alabama Speaker of the House Mike Hubbard will be included in the cast.
“Mike will play the role of the Water Department Security Chief who is getting bought off by the rich people in southern California,” said director Roman Polanski. “The person filling this role had to be believable in taking payments to dry the land and sell it at a reduced price, and we concluded immediately Mike was believable in this role.”
Polanski said the only fear he had in casting Hubbard for such a role, is his southern accent might annoy Jack Nicholson and Faye Dunaway.
“But it turned out to be no problem at all,” said Polanski. “When Jack and Faye noticed how believable Mike was as corrupt public servant, they totally overcame the southern accent. In fact, Jack and Mike talked quite extensively about the Terry Bowden era at Auburn, something they both remembered and enjoyed!”
On the Waterfront
CULVER CITY, CALIFORNIA–Entertainment Tonight is reporting that Columbia Pictures has a remake in the works for Budd Schulberg’s epic crime drama “On the Waterfront,” which will feature Alabama Speaker of the House Mike Hubbard as a mob-connected union boss who has iron-fist control over the waterfronts of Hoboken, New Jersey by means of corruption, extortion and racketeering.
“We needed someone with experience of getting a group of people into playing ‘deaf and dumb’ and Mike has been doing that to Alabama politicians for years,” said director Gene Miflord. “So he was the overwhelming choice to play the part.”
Still, using Eva Marie Saint as a ramrod, the dockworkers expose Mike, mainly through a source Karl Malden had at the Auburn Network, and leave him battered and left with nothing.
“The show ends with Mike swearing vengeance on Aubie and all those who crossed him, but his threats fall on deaf ears,” said Miflord.
The Great Muppet Caper
LONDON, ENGLAND–The New York Times is reporting that Universal Pictures, in conjunction with Henson Associates, plans on doing a remake of its mystery comedy movie, “The Great Muppet Caper,” starring Alabama Speaker of the House Mike Hubbard as a corrupt London councilman whom the Muppets must outwit in an attempt to recover stolen expensive jewels from an aging English socialite.
“We needed someone with experience taking under-the-table payments from diabolical people,” said director Jerry Juhl. “Mike came to our attention after reading a blog in Al.com, and we determined he is exactly what we needed.”
Juhl claims the Muppets sent a lobbyist over the Montgomery posing as European businessman, outright offering Hubbard graft in exchange for political favoritism. “Mike accepted on the spot and we knew we had our man!” said Juhl.
The high point of this movie, according to the director, is when the Muppets trick Hubbard into going on a bike ride, then force him to admit he used political favors to have Miss Piggy thrown in a London jail.
A Fish Called Wanda
BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA–The Hollywood Insider is reporting that MGM Studios, in conjunction with United International Pictures, plans on doing a remake of its classic comedy heist, “A Fish Called Wanda,” starring Alabama Speaker of the House Mike Hubbard as a manipulative diamond thief. The film features a cameo appearance by former Alabama Governor Bob Riley, who plays a barrister who hid all the loot on Hubbard’s behalf.
“It really is a great mix of comedy and reality,” said director Charles Crichton.
Crichton said the action really gets amusing when Hubbard tries to convince the rest of the diamond thieves that Jamie Lee Curtis is actually his sister, but the gang members immediately become skeptical when they discover Curtis has never heard of Cam Newton, and has no clue that Stan White was once an Auburn quarterback, not just one of the announcers for the Auburn Network.
The picture ends when Curtis has a choice of moving to Rio de Janeiro or Opelika, Alabama, and elects to go to Brazil once Riley has convinced Hubbard to run for Alabama House of Representatives, which she feels will eventually lead to his doom.
The Thomas Crown Affair
BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA–People Magazine is reporting that United Artists Studios, in conjunction with its parent company MGM, is planning a remake of its iconic 1968 crime drame, “The Thomas Crown Affair,” starring Alabama Speaker of the House Mike Hubbard has Thomas Crown.
“Mike really lobbied hard for this part,” said director Norman Wexler. “And when Mike lobbies hard for something he usually has a way of getting it!”
In the movie, Hubbard masterminds a three million dollar heist from a bank in Boston, and pulls it off so well no traces of his involvement can be detected by law enforcement.
But things get convoluted when Faye Dunaway is hired by an insurance company to investigate the matter, and discovers that huge amounts of money are being moved from the Auburn Network to a Swiss Bank account. She gets highly suspicious when former Auburn athletic director David Housel explains to her, that so far as he knows, the money was used to rent a private plane to fly an Auburn entourage up to Louisville to offer Bobby Petrino a job currently being held by Tommy Tuberville.
And Judge Roy Moore wouldn’t be out in the cold if he loses his job either. Here are more Hollywood productions that would crave his services should there ever be some remakes in the works:
The Ten Commandments
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA–Entertainment Tonight is reporting that Paramount Pictures has approved a project for 2017 to complete a remake of the religious epic film, Cecil B. Demille’s “The Ten Commandments,” starring Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore as Moses.
“Charlton Heston is basically a hack compared to Judge Moore,” said Paramount Pictures CEO Henry Wilcox. “Judge Moore is a much more credible Moses than Charlton ever was.”
Wilcox said the plot will remain basically the same, where an infant Moses is saved from the Pharaoh by being set adrift in a basket down the Nile, and a Prince Moses growing up to be a powerful general.
“The main difference is that in this production, when Moses comes down from Mount Sini with The Ten Commandment, he vows to put a copy in every public school in Alabama, even if he is defying federal law,” said Wilcox.
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA–NBC News is reporting that Warner Brother studios plans on doing a remake of its situation comedy law show “Night Court,” in which Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore will preside in a Manhattan municipal court.
The original Night Court featured an unorthodox staff which dealt with a incredulous array of eccentric and unstable criminals, but this Night Court gets much more serious. Rather than feature humorously inept complaintants with bizarre backgrounds, the new edition will deal with much more contemporary issues.
“We are going to have school teachers going to court to get permission to display the Ten Commandments in their classrooms, gay couples applying for same-sex marriage licences, things like that,” said Manners. “And each week its going to be breathtaking to see which way Judge Moore will rule!”
My Cousin Vinny
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA–People Magazine is reporting that 20th Century Fox, in conjunction with Palo Vista Productions, has approved the budget to create a remake of Dan Launer’s classic comedy, “My Cousin Vinny,” which will feature Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore as Judge Chamberlain Haller, played by Fred Gwynee in the original production.
“We needed a real Southern type who wouldn’t put up with any crap from some obnoxious Yankee like Joe Pesci,” said director Jonathon Lynn.
A real highlight of the show is when Judge Moore instructs Pesci to comb his hair, come in the courtroom looking lawyerly, and take a copy of the Ten Commandments back to his personal injury office in Brooklyn, to put on display.
“It’s typical Roy Moore!” said Lynn. “And there is no question in my mind the conservatives in the Deep South will love him!”
Miracle on 34th Street
BURBANK, CALIFORNIA–The New York Times has reported that 20th Century Fox plans to do a remake of its Academy Award winning Christmas classic “Miracle on 34th Street,” and that Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore will be included in the cast.
“Judge Moore plays a conservative lawyer who not only defends Kris Kringle in court, not only proves Kris is indeed Santa Clause, but argues that Kris has the Constitutional right not to go down the chimney of households where a same-sex marriage has taken place, and has every right to deliver copies of the Ten Commandments to high school principals for display in their schools,” said Joe McEvans of 20th Century Fox.
Moore does not get the ruling when he petitions the court to allow Kringle to strong arm Gimble’s and Macy’s and request they not let same-sex couples shop there, which leads to Kringle personally asking Maureen O’Hara to take up the cause.
The film ends with Moore getting suspended from the New York bar on Christmas morning.
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