Peyton Manning could have been kidnapped by Islamic terrorists, and it’s doubtful his month could have been any worse than it was when the New York Daily News unearthed some legal documentation of his involvement in a sleazy sexual assault case 20 years ago, then proceeded to write a blockbuster essay underscoring astonishingly poor judgement, a ruthless effort to destroy the victim and the kind of cover-up that actually brought down an American president. According to an individual named Dr. Jamie Naughright, it all started with a female athletic trainer on her knees behind him, examining for a foot injury. Then, in a move about as sensible as walking through an airport checkpoint with a homemade bomb, Manning allegedly proceeded to drop his pants, exposing his private parts.
Now, keep in mind, in time since Naughright has been unmercifully taken to task for being a sue-happy sensationalist, and the author of the New York Daily News article, Shaun King, has been chided as a race monger who loves stirring up racial tensions…with all sorts of accusations flying like lawn chairs in a tornado.
But, if there is anything amusing about the whole ordeal–and there really isn’t–it’s the lame excuse Dr. Jamie claims Peyton and his Tennessee enablers devised to cover the scandal up: Peyton was just mirthfully mooning a friend and the female trainer’s head somehow got in the way. (Leading one to wonder, does Peyton always greet his friends by dropping his drawers?) In this case it seemed obvious Tennessee was swinging for the fences when it probably should have been playing short ball, because Pinocchio’s answers to the Blue Fairy seemed far more viable than the explanations UT concocted. With that in mind, here are some other excuses Tennessee could have come up much more credible than the one they did:
Excuse No. 1: “Peyton was mooned by a UT coed that morning while swimming in the Tennessee River, and wanted to settle the score with someone in the female gender.”
KNOXVILLE, TENNESSEE–The New York Daily News, based on 74-pages of explosive court documents just released this morning, is reporting that former Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning had been swimming in the Tennessee River that morning, in an effort to rehabilitate a foot injury. All of a sudden, like Moby Dick rearing his head in the Pacific Ocean, a luscious UT coed from Oak Ridge quickly appeared out of the blue, mooned the all-SEC quarterback quicker than you can flick a Bic, and quickly covered herself up before the proper authorities could possibly arrest her for indecent exposure.
“The experience clearly shook Peyton up drastically,” editorialized story author Shaun King. “And the only thing we could possibly conclude, is that Peyton lumbered back to the training room in a dazed stupor, and mooned the first female he saw as a pure revenge motive, and unfortunately the first female he saw was the trainer.”
Excuse No. 2: “Peyton was mooned outside the library by a UT coed while he was trying to study for his English literature examine, and wanted to settle the score with someone in the female gender.”
KNOXVILLE, TENNESSEE–The New York Daily News, based on 74-pages of explosive court documents given to the USA TODAY 13 years ago but just made available to the New York Daily News yesterday, is reporting that former Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning had been studying for an English literature test outside the school library, when a luscious UT coed from Chattanooga relentlessly charged him, rapidly mooned the all-SEC signal caller, then quickly sprinted into a nearby sorority house before the proper authorities could possibly make an arrest for indecent exposure.
“The experience clearly shook Peyton up drastically,” editorialized story author Shaun King. “And the only thing we can conclude is Peyton no doubt bombed his test, which is a pretty logical conclusion because, let’s face it, Peyton is not the sharpest knife in the drawer, then he walked back to the training room in a dazed stupor, and moon the first female he saw out of pure revenge, and unfortunately the first female he saw was the trainer.”
Excuse No. 3: ”Peyton was serving as a consultant to an all-girls school in Knoxville which was planning on mooning the keynote speaker at their graduation ceremony, and he felt he needed to get some ‘hands on’ experience mooning people himself.”
KNOXVILLE, TENNESSEE–Shaun King, a renowned sportswriter for the New York Daily News, is reporting that at the time Peyton Manning allegedly “mooned” an athletic trainer at Tennessee, he was simultaneously serving as a “consultant” to an all-girls school in Knoxville which was planning to moon their keynote speaker at their graduation.
“This was three months before Facebook would be invented, so things like that didn’t get around much,” said King. “But it was well known around the metro Knoxville area that Peyton was tutoring the girls on how to ‘moon’ prominent people.”
King than editorialized that Manning mooned the Vols’ trainer in an effort to get some needed experience mooning individuals, so he could pass along the esoteric information to the girls at the all-girls high school.
Excuse No. 4: “Peyton heard that Jennifer Lopez took over as one of UT trainers, he thought he was dealing with JLo, and wanted a good story to tell his grandkids.”
KNOXVILLE, TENNESSEE–Flying in the face of those who have positioned Peyton Manning as the arbiter of all things good and decent in the world, New York Daily News reporter Shaun King is reporting the reason former Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning mooned a female trainer, is that Manning, based on a deception of lies, had heard through the grapevine in Knoxville, that A-list entertainer Jennifer Lopez had come to UT to get some experience in athletic training, in the event she started dating Sean Combs again, and in the event Sean got in another fight with the UCLA football coaches, and needed some athletic rehabilitation.
“It’s a long convoluted story, but we figure he thought Jennifer Lopez was the trainer checking out his foot for an injury, and he figured he’d be slick and expose his private parts,” editorialized King in his story. “That way he would have a great story to tell his relatives at family gatherings.”
Manning, released a statement stating he was busy making a TV commercial for Nationwide Insurance and had no time to comment on the allegation.
Excuse No. 5: “Peyton was mooned by a UT coed while playing golf that morning, and the emotional damage he suffered caused a backlash.”
KNOXVILLE, TENNESSEE–New York Daily News reporter Shaun King, in an allegation so deep it is guaranteed to rock the America sports world to its core, is reporting that former Tennessee quarterback Petyon Manning was playing golf on the Mack and Jonnie Day Golf Course, when a luscious coed from Pigeon Forge charged out of a bunker on the 8th hole, mooned the “swell, golly, gee-whiz pitchman” for multiple national companies, then sprinted back in the bunker before university police could possible file indecent exposure charges.
“It really rattled Peyton drastically,” King editorialized in his article. “He no doubt felt he had been sexually assaulted, and the assault was covered up. So, we figure he figured ‘what’s good for the goose is good for the gander’ and walked in a daze over to the athletic training facility, and mooned the trainer.”
Christine Brennan, a longtime sportswriter for USA TODAY, said she is checking on the timeline to see if King’s report has validity.
Excuse No. 6 “Peyton and other members of the student body planned on mooning the train bringing the Florida Gators to Knoxville for Saturday’s game, and he wanted to show the athletic trainer his technique.”
KNOXVILLE, TENNESSEE–The New York Daily News is reporting that Peyton Manning’s mooning of a Tennessee athletic trainer was the byproduct of another project he had going on at the time. The paper claims Manning and a group of UT students had planned to moon the train carrying the Florida Gators into Knoxville for a Saturday game with the Vols, and Peyton was just getting his style and technique down.
“Actually, he was going around campus mooning people all week, trying to perfect his mooning skills,” said author Shaun King. “And he happened to use one on Jamie and she got offended.”
The Tennessee administration refused to comment on King’s statement, but did say it is not uncommon for UT students to moon trains passing through Knoxville for a variety of reasons.
Excuse No. 7: “Peyton heard that Coach Fulmer was going to go into the training room and moon the trainer, and Peyton decided he had to beat his coach to the punch.”
KNOXVILLE, TENNESSEE–The New York Daily News has followed up on a story regarding former Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning mooning a Vol trainer, but claiming Peyton may have had an ulterior motive.
“It seems rumors were going all over the locker room that day, that Vols’ head coach Phil Fulmer was planning on going into the training room and mooning the trainer,” said Shaun King, who wrote the story. “And Peyton and Coach Fulmer always had a friendly competitive rivalry, so Peyton figured he’d one-up his coach by going in there first and mooning the trainer.”
Fulmer had no comment on the story, but did emphasize he never backstabbed Johnny Majors to get the Tennessee job.
Excuse No. 8: “Peyton’s physiology professor used to start class off each day by mooning everyone as a nice Tennessee greeting, so he figured going around campus mooning people was okay.”
KNOXVILLE, TENNESSEE–The New York Daily News is reporting this morning that the practice of “mooning” on the University of Tennessee campus was not uncommon, which may have led to quarterback Peyton Manning’s mooning of athletic trainer Jamie Naughtwright.
“Just to show you how prevalent it was at Tennessee, Peyton took a physiology class his freshman year, and the instructor used to start the class by mooning the students, just to establish a real comfortable setting on campus,” said reporter Shaun King. “Peyton no doubt witnessed this and felt is was A OK to go around campus mooning people, since others were always doing it.”
“This is inaccurate information,” said Tennessee chancellor Jimmy Cheek, who swears he has never shown his cheeks in public, “we do not have a mooning pandemic on the campus of Tennessee.”
Excuse No. 9: “Peyton was mooned by two UT coeds as he took the field against Auburn his freshman year, and the emotional damage he suffered caused a backlash.”
KNOXVILLE, TENNESSEE–New York Daily News reporter Shaun King, while appearing on Fox News last night, claims the seeds to Peyton Manning’s mooning of an athletic trainer at Tennessee may have been planted three years earlier.
“Peyton was being introduced at Neyland Stadium for the first time his freshman year, and as he ran out on the field, two coeds from Nashville mooned him, and the emotional damage he suffered just devastated him,” said King. “And all the suffering it caused over the years probably led to him mooning Jamie.”
Tennessee coach Butch Jones said he has never heard of Manning getting mooned while running on the field his freshman year, but doesn’t doubt it could have happened. “Those girls from Nashville are a piece of work,” he said. “They’d sure be capable of doing something like that.”
Excuse No 10: “Peyton was voted Sweetheart of the University of Tennessee Coed Mooning Club, and as part of his initiation, he was required to moon someone in the greater Knoxville area, and he figured the UT trainer wouldn’t mind.”
KNOXVILLE–The New York Daily News is reporting, that former Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning was trying to fulfil requirements of a University of Tennessee mooning organization he had become associated with, and that could have led to the mooning of a Tennessee athletic trainer.
“I’m not going to sit here and play amateur physiatrist and claim to know the motivations of Peyton Manning,” wrote Shaun King, who reported the story. “But this all too coincidental not to be investigated.”
King cites sources who are in the UT Coed Mooning Club, who feel this information is accurate. The University issued a statement claiming it was unaware of any mooning organization that had bylaws and rituals on its campus, but would look into the matter.
Now, if Peyton had wanted to get some national press for mooning someone in an athletic setting, he could have done far better than a UT trainer. With that in mind, here are some renowned sporting events Manning have gotten the biggest bang for his buck publicity-wise, by mooning an individual:
1) Peyton moons Adolph Rupp following Kentucky’s historical loss to Texas Western
LANDOVER, MARYLAND–The New York Daily News is reporting that following Kentucky’s 72-65 loss to Texas Western in the NCAA championship game, former Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning walked over to the Wildcats bench, and mooned head coach Adolph Rupp.
“I could hardly believe he did that,” said Kentucky guard Pat Riley who, along with Louie Dampier, led the Wildcats with 19 points.
“This is a paramount example of why I always felt Peyton’s squeaky-clean image was built on lies,” said Shaun King, who reported the incident.
Rupp, said he thought Manning’s technique was pretty lane. “When it comes to mooners, he’s definitely just a barnyard fiddler; he ain’t getting to Carnegie Hall any time soon!”
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–The New York Daily News is reporting, that former Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning mooned Boston first basemen Bill Buckner during Game 6 of the 1986 World Series, and the distraction could have caused Buckner to make a fielding error that has become permanently encased in World Series lore.
“I just don’t see how Peyton could be so irresponsible,” Buckner told the Daily News’ Shaun King after the game. “Mookie (Wilson) just chopped the ball in a very playable position, I went over to get my body in front of it, and the next thing I know I’m seeing Peyton’s cheeks out of the corner of my eye. It was very inconsiderate.”
“Peyton ought to be prosecuted for sexual assault,” editorialized King in his column after the game, which tied the series at 3-3. “This transgression was so deep, and so widespread and so ugly, that it will no doubt rock the American sports world to its core!”
3) Peyton moons Knute Rockne during the “Win One For The Gipper” speech
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–The New York Daily News is reporting that former Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning mooned Notre Dame football coach Knute Rockne at halftime of yesterday’s game with Army, as Rockne was giving his iconic “Win one for the Gipper” speech.
“Knute was up there saying some real garbage, and I couldn’t help but to moon him,” Manning told the Daily News’ Shaun King, who reported the story. “First off, George Gipp was a blue-collar guy, for him to say something so eloquent would have been totally out of character for him. Secondly, the poor guy was comatose, he was close to death! He could hardly have said something like that under the dire circumstances. Thirdly, Rock said Gipp said it to him in private. Well, hospital records show there was a nurse in there with George at all times, based on his conditions. And fourth, no one called George ‘the Gipper’ while he was alive. And he certainly never called himself that! And lastly, that happened seven years ago, you mean Knute Rockne, the most gregarious talker in the history of college football, kept that to himself for seven years?”
“If this gets out, I doubt Peyton will someday be positioned as the arbiter of all things good and decent in this world,” editorialized King in his column after the game, won by the Irish 12-6 to improve to 5-4 on the season.
4) Peyton moons Russian hockey goalie at Lake Placid Olympics
LAKE PLACID, NEW YORK–The New York Daily News has reported in its late edition that former Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning mooned USSR hockey player Vladimir Krutov right after United States team captain Mike Eruzione scored with 8:39 remaining in the contest, to give the United States a 4-3 lead.
“I think Peyton did one of the most patriotic things I have ever seen in a hockey rink,” said United States coach Herb Brooks.
“There was no doubt Peyton took a lot of pride in being an American, and he let that pride hang out today,” said United States goalie Jim Craig.
“The Lake Placid mooning has just slid right off Peyton like virtually every other mistake he has made in his career,” editorialized Daily News reporter Shaun King. “Can you image if Cam Newton had done this? People would be demanding he have to spend at least a year in Starkville, Mississippi!”
5) Peyton moons Babe Ruth before his “called shot”
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS–The New York Daily News is reporting that former Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning mooned baseball great Babe Ruth during the Bambino’s renowned “called shot” in the 1932 World Series against the Chicago Cubs.
“Actually, the whole thing was my idea,” said Cubs pitcher Charlie Root, who was on the mound for Chicago at the time. “I felt by having Peyton come out onto the infield grass at Wrigley Field and drop his drawers, it would distract the Babe. I guess I was wrong.”
“Babe’s intent totally took press coverage away from Peyton’s outrageous unsportsmanlike conduct,” said President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who was in attendance at the game. “There are many who said Babe called the shot. There are many who said Ruth was pointing at Root for quick pitches. And in all the commotion, Peyton’s actions went unreported.”
“The only way we found out about it, is the USA TODAY released 74 pages of documentation they have had for years, and I for the life of me can’t figure out why they didn’t release them sooner,” said Daily News reporter Shaun King, who reported the story.
6) Peyton moons Dallas defense during “The Catch”
SAN FRANCISCO–Shaun King, a writer for the New York Daily News, is reporting that Dallas Cowboys coach Tom Landry is furious at former Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning for mooning his Doomsday Defense, which he feels helped the San Francisco 49ers to complete one of the most memorable passes in NFL history, with Joe Montana hitting Dwight Clark in the back of the end zone to give San Francisco a 28-27 win.
“We may take this case to the Supreme Court,” said Landry. “As big a play as that was, this was no time for Peyton to be pulling shenanigans like this.”
“I felt this completly through off our timing,” said Cowboys defensive end Ed “Too Tall” Jones. “The Flex defense requires a lot of thinking, and it was hard for us to concentrate on a gap-controlled defense like ours with Peyton mooning us.”
“The fraction of a second I lost looking over at Peyton was the difference between Dwight getting open, and not getting open,” said Cowboys defensive back Everson Walls. “So Peyton’s mooning could be considered the fall of America’s Team.”
7) Peyton moons Sonny Liston during second Muhammed Ali fight
LEWISTON, MAINE–Boxing referee Jersey Joe Walcott, has told Shaun King of the New York Daily News that he plans on filing an official complaint with the Lewiston (Maine) Chamber of Commerce following a controversial knockout of Sonny Liston by Muhammad Ali.
“Ali hit Liston with a hard right, and knocked The Big Bear to the canvas,” said Walcott. “I was having trouble getting Ali to go to his corner, when all of a sudden I looked up and there’s former Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning mooning Liston as he was rolling around on the canvas. It was complete chaos!”
“Utterly despicable,” said sports announcer Howard Cosell. “The fight was already embroiled in controversy with Muhammed recently joining Nation of Islam and Sonny getting arrested for possession of a concealed weapon. Then you had the belief by many the Lucchese crime family was fixing the fight. It was just not the time for Peyton to be horsing around at such a pivotal point in sports history.”
“I have a good mind to write a letter to Peyton’s dad Archie, and tell him what Peyton did,” said boxing heavyweight Floyd Patterson, who was in attendance at the fight.
Taking this a step further, suppose Peyton decided to moon individuals at pivotal points in American history? If that were the case, how would this great nation of ours turned out? Now, let me run a disclaimer here by vehemently pointing out these aren’t my clowns and this isn’t my circus but…here are several instances where history could have been altered had Peyton demonstrated the same gumption he did that afternoon in the Tennessee training room:
1) Peyton moons John Adams, Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson at the signing of the Declaration of Independence
PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA–Ben Franklin, inventor of bifocals and the Franklin Stove, has reported in Little Richard’s Almanac, that Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning mooned the Founding Fathers as they were drafting the Declaration of Independence and listing colonial grievances against King George III.
“My wife Abigail could hardly believe a person could act so stupid on the most memorable Epocha in the History of America,” said a livid John Adams, a delegate from Massachusetts.
But Thomas Jefferson, a delegate from Virginia, defended Manning’s actions. “One of the things I wrote about was everyone was entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,” said Jefferson. “And if mooning people makes Peyton happy, he should have that Constitutional right.”
“Peyton’s actions had no common sense,” said political activist Thomas Paine. “People like John Hancock and Richard Henry Lee have a lot of political clout, and mooning them could come back to haunt Peyton.”
“I really think all the negative publicity he’s bound to get out of this could ruin is changes of winning the Heisman Trophy,” editorialized Franklin.
2) Peyton moons George Washington as he crossed the Delaware
TRENTON, NEW JERSEY–Winston Hill, chairman of the history department at Princeton University, told a seminar in Hartford, Connecticut yesterday, that George Washington, first president of the United States, claimed the most incredulous moment of his military career came when he was leading the Continental Army across the Delaware River for a surprise attack at the Battle of Trenton, and looked over on the bank of the river and saw Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning mooning him and his men.
“At first he did one small look as it was no big deal, it was probably just a drunken Hessian coming home from an all-night drinking binge he thought, but when George looked a little closer he could hardly believe it was Peyton,” said Hill.
Hill said Washington told this to a reporter from the Boston Gazette, but the article was buried on the back page because the paper was concerned about playing up a story on an American icon at a time when all Americans needed to be pulling together to gain freedom from the British Empire.
“If Peyton were not a first-team all-American it would have been front page news on every publication from the Pennsylvania Evening Post to the South Carolina Gazette,” said Washington.
3) Peyton moons Robert E. Lee at the Battle of Gettysburg
GETTYSBURG, PENNSYLVANIA–Horace Greeley of the New York Tribune is quoting unanimous sources who claim that Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning mooned Confederate commander Robert E. Lee following the Battle of Gettysburg.
“The incident occurred right after Pickett’s Charge, when defeat for the Confederates was pretty inevitable,” said Greeley.
“It really showed bad sportsmanship,” said General P.G.T. Beauregard, a high-ranking Confederate officer.
“It makes absolutely no sense to me,” said Confederate president Jefferson Davis. “Peyton is a southern guy from New Orleans. You would think he would not take any delight in seeing the South getting whupped.”
“My dad, Revolutionary War officer Henry “Light Horse Harry” Lee must be spinning in his grave over this one,” said Lee in a prepared statement. ”If Peyton moons me again at the Appomattox Campaign, I am filing a complaint with Doug Dickey.”
4) Peyton moons the Japanese Air Force during the attack on Pearl Harbor
PEARL HARBOR, HAWAII–Admiral Chester Nimitz, Commander in Chief of the United States Pacific Fleet, commended Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning today for mooning the Imperial Japanese Air Force during a surprise military raid which destroyed most of the United States navel base at Pearl Harbor.
“We were clearly caught with our pants down on this one,” said Nimitz. “But for Peyton to step up and moon those pilots from Japan really was patriotic.”
“I thought it was pretty bush league,” said Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto, who commanded the Japanese fleet. “All we wanted to do was cripple the United States Navy so it could not interfere with military operations we had planned in Southeast Asia. Our guys certainly did not deserve to be mooned.”
“It was very low down,” said Japanese prime minister Hideki Tojo. “After the war I have a feeling world leaders will create a United Nations, and when they do I plan on asking them to admonish Peyton for unacceptable behavior.”
5) Peyton moons Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini when the Axis Powers declared war on the United States
BERLIN, GERMAN–CBS Radio is reporting this evening that Nazi Party leader Adolf Hitler is furious at Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning for mooning he and Italian prime minister Benito Mussolini at a parade in Berlin shortly after the Axis powers announced they were declaring war on the United States.
“Adolf indicted he hasn’t been this mad since Germany signed the Treaty of Versailles which posed harsh economic sanctions on the German people,” said war correspondent Edward R. Murrow.
“What got me all bent out of shape is he did it in front of Eva (Braun, Hitler’s longtime companion) and Eva has already attempted suicide twice,” said Hilter. ”And I had concerns that Peyton mooning us might push Eva over the top.”
“We can handle Franklin Roosevelt making snide remarks about our ideology,” said Mussolini, “but Peyton dropping his drawers in front of Eva just might be the most disrespectful thing I have ever seen King Victor Emmanuel III mooned me at a fascist meeting I attended in Switzerland a few years ago.”
6) Peyton moons Nikita Khrushchev and Fidel Castro during Cuban Missile Crisis
MOSCOW, RUSSIA–The Soviet new agency TASS is reporting that Soviet Union Premier Nikita Khrushchev has contacted United State Secretary of Defense Robert McNamera and threatened to cancel an idea for a Moscow-Washington Hotline because of the conduct of Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning displayed towards Cuba Prime Minister Fidel Castro during the Cuban Missile Crisis.
“We were eyeball to eyeball, and I think the other fellow just mooned me,” said Castro.
TASS has reported the Kremlin believes Manning mooned Castro in response to Castro’s decision to allow the Soviet Union to deploy nuclear weapons to a location where they could destroy American cities.
“I can see Peyton, and all other American citizens, being upset at the idea of ballistic missiles being placed in an area that could kill 80 million Americans in five minutes, but I still don’t think that gives him any right to moon Fidel,” said Khrushchev.
7) Peyton moons Neil Armstrong as he walks on the moon
HOUSTON, TEXAS–Walter Cronkite has reported on the CBS Evening News that former Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning has become the first man to moon a man on the moon, when he mooned American astronaut Neil Armstrong as Armstrong made history by becoming the first man to walk on the moon.
“Clearly the crew of Apollo 11 has got to be commended for the way they executed this mission,” said Cronkite. “But I also find it remarkable that Peyton was able to get up there and moon Neil, cementing his name in the history books as the first man to moon a man on the moon.”
“How he got up there is a complete mystery to me,” said lunar module commander Buzz Aldrin. “I didn’t see Peyton in the lunar module as we descended to the surface of the moon, so I am completely baffled as to how he got up there.”
“It was one small mooning for man, but one giant mooning for mankind,” said Manning.
“What people need to be aware 0f, is Peyton came in peace for all mankind,” said former Manning roommate Greg Johnson, who claimed he witnessed the mooning.
Now, if you want to know how much this has effected Peyton’s pitchman earning power, all you have to do is follow the money. Those advertising folks on Park Avenue do comprehensive research on such matters, and if they feel an endorser’s association with one of their client companies will be harmful due to a negative image, they’ll drop him in a heartbeat–just ask Maria Sharapova. And Peyton hasn’t lost so much as one dime. So the advertising industry clearly isn’t too concerned, and in fact, if they wanted to have some real fun to capitalize on the issue, and get some creative ad agencies and some A-list celebrities to join in, here are some commercials they could produce:
Kim Kardashian to moon Peyton in upcoming Gatorade commercial
PURCHASE, NEW YORK– The New York Daily News is reporting that Pepsico, parent company for Gatorade, has decided to promote the soft drink by marketing a commercial where television personality Kim Kardashian moons NFL quarterback Peyton Manning.
“Based on all the publicity Peyton has received for the mooning incident when he was in college at Tennessee, this is a natural,” said Gatorade director of marketing Rick McAbee. “We think this commercial will rival our ‘Be Like Mike’ commercials in terms of significance and popularity.”
“It was a thrill to shoot this commercial,” said Kardashian. “But I didn’t understand why the film crew was making such a big deal out of my butt. I’m Armenian, so it’s normal.
“This was more thrilling than being named Southeastern Conference Player of the Week,” said Manning.
Anna Kournikova to moon Peyton in upcoming MasterCard commercial
PURCHASE, NEW YORK–The New York Daily News is reporting that MasterCard, a financial services corporation, has hired former tennis pro Anna Kournakova to appear in an upcoming commercial with NFL quarterback Peyton Manning.
“The commercial is kind of cute,” said MasterCard CEO David Albert. “Anna is going to make an appearance at the tail end and moon Peyton! We are just like anyone else in the business of promoting our product. We realize all the notoriety Peyton has had by the mooning escape in college has gotten incredible national coverage. And this is a chance for us to take advantage of it.”
“I was a little reluctant at first, but the money they offered was too much to be turned down,” said Kournikova. “I’m pretty much like an expensive menu: you can look but you can’t afford.”
“This was more thrilling than being named Louisiana Player of the Year, when I was in high school,” said Manning.
Cameron Diaz to moon Peyton in upcoming Papa John’s comemrcial
JEFFERSONTOWN, KENTUCKY–The New York Daily News reported in this morning’s edition that Papa John’s Pizza founder John Schnatter will use actress Cameron Diaz in an upcoming TV commercial to promote the third largest take-out and pizza delivery chain in the world.
“We saw a real opportunity, when our main pitchman, NFL quarterback Peyton Manning, received an inordinate amount of national publicity for mooning a trainer back when he played at Tennessee,” said Schnatter. “So we felt we would be fools not to cash in on this mooning publicity. So we contacted Cameron’s agent to see if she had an interest in mooning Peyton in a new marketing strategy. And lo and behold, come to find out Cameron was really gung ho to be involved in this project!”
“This is the most excited I’ve been to perform since making ‘The Mask,’ the production that vaulted me to stardom,” said Diaz.
Manning was also very receptive of the idea. “This will no doubt be more thrilling than beating Virginia Tech in the Gator Bowl when I was a freshman in college,” he said.
Halle Berry to moon Peyton in upcoming DirecTV commercial
EL SEGUNDO, CALIFORNIA–Shaun King, the senior justice writer for the New York Daily News, is reporting tonight that Halle Berry, the only woman of color to win a Best Actress Academy Award, will appear in an upcoming DirecTV commercial, mooning NFL quarterback Peyton Manning.
Ironically, the company developed an interest in this project by reading King’s recent story about Manning mooning a trainer at Tennessee. “We read the story, and thought it would be absolute genius if we could get a renowned name to moon Peyton in one of our commercials,” said AT&T president John T. Stankey. (DirecTV is a division of AT&T) ”So we really need to thank Shaun for bringing Peyton’s background to our attention.”
“I was skeptical about getting involved with an high-profile jock at first, because the last time I got involved with a high profile jock (she married baseball superstar David Justice in 1993) it didn’t turn out too well (she divorced baseball superstar David Justice in 1997) but this is a great opportunity,” said Berry. ”But I haven’t been so excited to get up an perform since I was that Bond girl Jinx, in Die Another Day.”
Manning, for his part, was elated to find out he’d be getting mooned by Halle Berry in a TV commercial.
“This was more thrilling than winning the Davey O’Brien Award when I was in college,” he said.
Britney Spears to moon Peyton in upcoming Buick commercial
DETROIT, MICHIGAN–The New York Daily News is reporting tonight that renowned singer/actress Britney Spears will moon Peyton Manning in an upcoming commercial for the Buick Motor Company.
“I guess Buick saw the blockbuster story I did about Peyton mooning a trainer at Tennessee, the one where I exposed his career being built upon lies, and decided they wanted a piece of the pie,” said Shaun King, who reported the story.
“That’s exactly correct,” said General Motors CEO Mary Barra, whose company owns Buick. ”This is a business opportunity we just can’t miss out on…in the automotive bix you always have to be thinking ahead of the curve.”
“I haven’t looked forward this much to doing a production since Justin (Timberlake) and I were on The Mickey Mouse Club,” said Spears.
“This will be more thrilling than winning the Johnny Unitus Award when I was at Tennessee mooning trainers,” said Manning.
Sandra Bullock to moon Peyton in upcoming Nationwide Insurance commercial
COLUMBUS, OHIO–An investigative report by the New York Daily News has revealed that Sandra Bullock, one of Hollywood’s highest paid actresses, will appear in a Nationwide TV commercial mooning former Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning.
“Nationwide just wanted to capitalize on my blockbuster investigation of Peyton,” said Shaun King, who reported the story.
“This is probably the best thing to happen to my career since I shot a scene with former Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville in The Blind Side,” said Bullock, who will moon Manning in front of a hot tub he is sitting in, rehabilitating the foot Dr. Jamie Naughright was inspecting twenty years earlier in the training room at the University of Tennessee.
“This was more thrilling than getting drafted as the first overall pick out of college,” said Manning.
Michelle Wie to moon Peyton in upcoming Nationwide Insurance commercial
COLUMBUS, OHIO–An investigative report by Shaun King in the New York Daily News reveals that Nationwide Insurance will utilize LPGA golfer Michelle Wie in an upcoming commercial with former Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning.
“This was really some great heads up reporting by Shaun,” said Daily News publisher Mortimer Zuckerman. “We are certainly proud of him!”
Although Nationwide is remaining mum on the details of the commercial, King was able to unearth information that Wie will actually moon Manning in the Denver Broncos locker room.
“I haven’t felt so empowered since I fired my caddie at the British Open!” said Wie.
“Making a commercial with Michelle was more thrilling that winning the Super Bowl with the Colts,” said Manning.
Roseanne Barr to moon Peyton in upcoming DirecTV commercial
EL SEGUNDO, CALIFORNIA–The New York Daily News has reported that former Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning will get mooned by comedian Roseanne Barr in an upcoming television commercial for DirecTV.
“I’m glad I can get a chance to perform once again with a renowned athlete,” said Barr. “The last time I did something like this, I pretty much made a horse’s ass out of myself at the Padres-Reds game singing the National Anthem. So this gives me a chance to reclaim my dignity.”
Manning was equally thrilled to be involved in the commercial. “This is more thrilling than winning the Super Bowl with the Broncos,” he said.
“We wanted to cash in on all the recent publicity Peyton has received for mooning the trainer at Tennessee,” said DirecTV president Tad Faulkner. “And we just couldn’t think of a better candidate to moon Peyton than Roseanne!”
Fox News Anchor to moon Peyton in upcoming Buick Verano Commercial
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–The New York Daily News is reporting that Fox News CEO Rupert Murdoch is planning on using one of his Fox news anchors to moon Peyton Manning in an upcoming commercial for Buick Verano.
“Like every other corporation in America, we feel we have to cash in on this Manning Mooning Incident immediately,” said Murdoch from his home in Australia. “So what we plan on doing, is having one of our credible anchors get into one of those provocative miniskirts we order them to wear, and moon Peyton, while Peyton gets a quizzical look on his face. But the audience will never see the anchor’s face, so they won’t know for sure which one it is. That’s the beauty of this project. We want the viewers wondering stuff like, ‘Is that Megyn Kelly’s hips? Is that Jamie Colby’s waist? Are those Ainsley Earhardt’s legs? Is that Martha MacCallum’s hair. Is that Claudia Cowan’s buttocks?’ All stuff that will help our credibility as a news organization!”
“I’m not sure what to think of this because I never watch Fox News, so I really won’t know which anchor it is either,” said Manning. “Ari (Manning’s PR hack) watches it all the time, but I never do”
Another amusing aspect of this fiasco is Peyton actually hired former White House press secretary Ari Fleischer to represent him when he was accused of using illegal steroids earlier in the month. But Ari was no where to be seen in the mooning fiasco. Why? And wouldn’t it have been wonderful? Can you imagine if Ari appeared before the press to defend Peyton’s image? Can you imagine if Ari did as good a job clearing Peyton’s name over mooning as he did defending George W. Bush’s image over weapons of mass destruction? Based on Ari’s words, here are some logical excerpts that might have come out of the press conference:
Press: “Mr. Fleischer, in February 1996, a University of Tennessee trainer named Jamie Naughwright claims your client sexually harassed her. Is there any truth to this?”
Press: “Mr. Fleischer, Ms. Naughwright’s version is much more serious. She claims that your client actually made contact with her with his gluteus maximus, rectum and testicles. Can you comment?”
Press: “Ari, the mooning excuse doesn’t square according to Malcolm Saxon, the athlete Peyton says he mooned. Mr. Saxon said this is not true. How do you explain?”
Press: “Mr. Fleischer, Mr. Saxon said he lost his scholarship from the University of Tennessee as part of a cover-up when he wouldn’t go along with the mooning story. Is this true?”
Press: “Ari, the article in the New York Daily News claims the Mannings mentioned this incident in a book they wrote, after an agreement that there would be confidentially on the matter. Why did they do this?”
Press: “Ari, the article also claims that Peyton sent an envelop containing excerpts of his book to Jamie’s employee, Florida Southern, which caused her to lose her job. Why would Peyton do this?”
Press: “Mr. Fleischer, the Daily News article claims Peyton’s ‘squeaky clean image was built on lies.’ How do you respond to that?”
Press: “Ari, the Manning machine appears to be conducting a ‘kill-the-messenger’ campaign to discredit author Shaun King by questioning his motives and credibility. Is such a campaign underway to save Peyton’s image?”
Press: “Mr. Fleisher, Peyton’s name has been mentioned in a current sexual harassment lawsuit against the University of Tennessee. What is your reaction to that?”
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