If Katina Powell took her manuscript to Hollywood!
  • I’m going to tell you right now, I’ve been to at least two dozen state fairs, a dozen rodeos, half a dozen tractor pulls and even a few dog-and-pony shows, and I’ve yet to see anything as outlandish as this Louisville stripper scandal. You could travel on all the side streets and back alleys from here to Cairo and back and not encounter anything so bizarre. And the most incredulous thing is it keeps getting stranger and more convoluted with every news cycle.

    First, Louisville madam Katina Powell writes this shock-and-awe essay on rampant prostitution and other adult entertainment at the Louisville athletic dorm. On the surface, this not only appeared to be something which contained enough felonies and misdemeanors to put her behind bars for the rest of her natural life, but destroy the career of Hall of Fame coach Rick Pitino.

    Then, before Louisville has much of a chance to deny it, several recruits and players come forth an admit the information in the book is “basically true.” One even told ESPN’s Outside the Lines, “It was crazy, it was like I was at a strip club.” Then Powell makes the media circuit, getting on network shows and, with the aplomb of a Katie Couric or Hillary Clinton, explains herself quite eloquently.

    Now Pitino is square in the cross hairs of sacrosanct snipers as the investigation plays out and it’s not going to be good for Rick either way. If he knew this kind of stuff was taking place in his program and condoned it, he obviously looks like a devious crook and his career is over. If all this was going on and he didn’t know about it, he looks like an irresponsible buffoon, and the term “lack of institutional control” will be lobbed in his direction like live grenades, along with “probation” and “suspension.”

    But Louisville fans can be grateful for this much: at least Powell didn’t take her story out to Hollywood and try to pedal it there! Can you imagine if the power brokers in Tinsel Town bought Powell’s story like an Indianapolis publishing firm did? Had they done so, here are some remakes of movies we might be seeing in the foreseeable future:

    Shawshank Redemption

    PORTLAND, MAINE–Director Frank Darabont has told Access Hollywood that Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino will star in the remake of his crime movie, “The Shawshank Redemption.”

    “The book is a fictional account of Coach Pitino’s career, based loosely on the writings of authors Katina Powell, Alexander Wolff and Armen Keteyian,” said Darabolt. “I think moviegoers are going to enjoy the gripping drama of a man fighting for dignity and respect against ever-increasing odds.”

    This version starts out with Pitino being tried in a Rhode Island court for taking his Boston Terrier basketball team to a strip joint following a win over Rhode Island in the 1970s. The judge ends up ruling Pitino must serve three consecutive life sentences at Shawshank Prison, one for taking the Terriers to the strip joint, a second for passing out dollar bills to put in the strippers’ g-strings, and a third for leading the Terriers in the “wolf whistles” while the dancers performed.

    Once at Shawshank, Pitino is befriended by prison contraband smuggler Red Redding (played by Morgan Freeman) to start a prostitution ring to be patronized by Warden Norton (played by Bob Gunton) and his guards. Using his assignment as the prison librarian as a cover, Pitino immediately contacts Katina Powell, a local madam he met while coaching at Louisville, to supply the women. The plan works flawlessly until Powell runs off to Indianapolis and writes a tell-all book on her involvement at Shawshank.

    Warden Norton immediately commits suicide, and Pitino vows not to resign his position as prison librarian. However, he has a huge change of heart one night, escapes to Mexico, using camp money he made when coaching at the University of Kentucky to finance the breakout, and soon invites Red to join him.

    The Music Man

    RIVER CITY, IOWA–The New York Times is reporting this morning that Warner Brothers Studios plans to do a remake of the musical-comedy “The Music Man,” with Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino playing the role of travelling salesman Professor Harold Hill.

    “The reason we chose Rick, is because if he could run a stripper ring out of his athletic dorm for four years without anyone detecting it, he surely can go to River City, Iowa and con a bunch of backwoods hicks into buying a bunch of band instruments,” said Time Warner CEO Kevin Tsuijihara.

    In a deviation from the original script, Professor Hill does run into trouble when his associate Marcellus Washburn (played by Andre McGee) decides to run a stripper/prostitution ring behind Professor’s Hill’s back in the back of a pool hall owned by the town’s mayor (played by Paul Ford). Washburn hires a Louisville madam named Katina Powell (played by herself) to supply the girls and run the operation. But the plan goes adrift when Powell runs over to Indianapolis to write a tell-all book about it.

    Professor Hill spends the rest of the film trying to convince the Buffalo Bills he knew nothing about Powell’s activities. The story ends when the town librarian (played by Shirley Jones) convinces River City residents that while Pitino did screw up the Celtics and the Knicks,  he’s a decent fellow who would not condone prostitution.

    The Breakfast Club

    HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA–Universal Studios has announced it has hired director John Hughes to do a remake of its classic coming-of-age comedy, “The Breakfast Club.”

    According to Universal, the premise will be close to the same as the original. Five students gather on Saturday morning at Shermer High School to serve an all-day detention. The five are from different social circles. You have a pampered princess (Molly Ringwald), a rebel (Jud Nelson), a star athlete (Emilio Estevez), a bookworm (Anthony Michel Hall) and basket case (Ally Sheedy). All are instructed by principal Richard Vernon (played by Louisville basketball coach Rich Pitino) to sit quietly and complete a 1,000 essay titled “How should Kentucky have guarded the inbound pass against Duke?” He leaves, and checks on them periodically.

    But while he is gone, and according to Universal this is where the script changes, the rebel calls his good friend Andre McGee, and asks him to bring by a few of Katina Powell’s strippers to entertain the five students in detention. The strippers show up, entertain the students, much to the delight of the bookworm and the star athlete. But after detention, the pampered princess goes out on the football field and writes a book of the strippers coming to perform.

    When the book is published, the principal, Mr. Vernon, appeals to the school board and local media, insisting he knew nothing about the strippers, and beckons McGee to come forth and tell the truth.

    Risky Business

    CHICAGO, ILLINOIS–Warner Brothers Entertainment Inc. has announced that it plans to remake its 1983 romantic comedy “Risky Business” with a little twist, where Louisville madam Katina Powell comes to the rescue of high school student Joel Goodson, played by Golden Globe winner Tom Cruise.

    “When Katina offered us her services, it was a deal we just couldn’t pass up,” said director Paul Brickman.

    The plot will once again feature a trip out of town for Joel’s parents, and once again friend Miles Dalby (played by Curtis Armstrong) convinces Joel to capitalize on the opportunity and have some fun. Joel immediately calls his good buddy, Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino, who is played by himself. Coach Pitino arrives at Joel’s mansion for a few evenings of rip roaring fun, but takes a look at the hookers Joel has brought in, Lana (Rebecca De Mornay) and Vicki (Shera Danese), and informs Joel he knows a madam from Louisville who will put those girls to shame. Convinced that Pitino is on the level with him, Joel fires Lana and Vicki, much to the chagrin of Lana’s pimp, Guido.

    But the move pays big dividends when Rutherford (Richard Masur) arrives to inform Joel that he has been rejected from Princeton, and Louisville madam Katina Powell arrives at the same time. Pitino tells Joel that Powell was responsible for recruiting all of his championship team, and that he should offer Rutherford Powell’s services in exchange for admission to Princeton. Rutherford accepts the deal, and Joel gets into Princeton, which is what his father wanted for him all along.

    The Last of the Mohicans

    LAKE GEORGE, NEW YORK–TMZ is reporting that 20th Century Fox has decided to remake its historical epic film “The Last of the Mohicans” with a plot twist that should be sentimental to ardent college basketball fans.

    “As in the original production, Major Duncan Heyward is sent to Fort William McHenry to help protect it from a French invasion,” said director Michael Mann. “But when Major Heyward arrives, he finds his troops are distracted by a prostitution ring set up in the fort by renowned Louisville madam Kitina Powell. Major Duncan immediately concludes the madam was operating with the knowledge of Louisville Cardinal basketball coach Rick Pitino.”

    According to Mann, fort commander Edmund Munro feels Pitino must “pay for his crimes” and wants Pitino hung. But Major Heyward thinks a more appropriate procedure would be to march Pitino from the Adirondack Mountains to NCAA Headquarters in Indianapolis and let the governing body of college athletics determine Pitino’s fate.

    The film concludes when the British army entourage is marching through Syracuse, and Orangemen coach Jim Boeheim looks out his cabin window and remarks, “John Thompson is gone. Denny Crum is gone. Lou Carnesecca is gone. Dean Smith is gone.  Bob Knight is gone. Rollie Massimino is gone. If they now get Rick, that means I am the last of the Mohicans!”

    Ocean’s Eleven

    LAS VEGAS, NEVADA–Warner Brothers Pictures has announced that it is in the process of remaking its hilarious heist fiction movie, “Ocean’s Eleven” with the addition of Louisville madam Katina Powell and members of the Louisville athletic department.

    “The script is being rewriten to talents of out friend from Louisville and utilize them to the best of their abilities,” said director Steven Soderbergh.

    The central theme of the remake will still revolve around Danny Ocean (played by George Clooney) and Rusty Ryan’s plan rob the MGM Grand, Bellagio and Mirage out of $150,000,000. But this time, they eagerly  invite comrade Rick Pitino, head basketball coach at Louisville, to join the heist. And Pitino not only agrees to join in, he starts scheming with a plan of his own to make even more extra cash. Pitino, who has always been able think ahead of the curve his entire career, figures with all the distractions going on, it would be a prime opportunity to set up other operations as well. So he brings assistant coach Ralph Williard with him to set up an instruction basketball camp at the Tarkanian Academy, and close friend Kitina Powell to set up a call girl operation at the MGM Grand. To create even more distractions, he starts “slut shaming” Ocean’s ex-wife Tess (played by Julia Roberts) in the local media, not knowing  Tess is the current girlfriend of Las Vegas powerbroker Terry Benedict (played by Andy Garcia). Benedict sends his bouncer Bruiser to do a number on Pitino, and things really spin out of control when Rusty Ryan (played by Matt Damon) tries to cheat Powell’s daughter out of money he rightfully owes her, causing the entire plot to collapse, and sending everyone involved to prison for three to six months.

    Jurassic Park

    ISLA NUBLAR, COSTA RICA–Renowned director Steven Spielberg has told the Chicago Tribune that he plans to do a remake of his preeminent science fiction adventure film “Jurassic Park” which will feature Louisville madam Katina Powell in a leading role and Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino as a protagonist.

    “If people think they were on the edges of there seats for the original screenplay, they haven’t seen nothing,” said Spielberg. “The action in this one is spellbinding as Katina tries to hunt Rick down and ruin his career.”

    The action starts quickly, when Powell calls the NCAA and informs them she is running a prostitution ring paid for by Pitino on a tropical island with cloned dinosaurs.  Some white dude at the NCAA picks up the phone and tells Powell he will get right on that one. The NCAA immediately dispatches Dr. Alan Grant (played by Sam Neill) to the island, to catch Pitino red-handed.

    Upon arriving on the island, Dr. Grant comes up with the idea of getting a Brachiosaurs to help him track Pitino down. Sure enough,, the dinosaur chews open the end of Pitino’s private jet, catching him red-handed with Powell’s daughters and their johns, and the NCAA decides to suspend Pitino for eight games and give Louisville two years of probation for lack of institutional control.

    Maid In Manhattan

    LOUISVILLE,  KENTUCKY–Columbia Pictures has announced that it will release a remake of its renowned romantic comedy “Maid in Manhattan,” utilizing the staff at the University of Louisville.

    “This one should leave some people teary eyed with emotion ,” said director Wayne Wang.

    In the remake, Marisa Ventura (played by Jennifer Lopez) takes a job as a maid at the Beresford Hotel in midtown Manhattan to support her young son Ty. One day she just happens to clean the room of World Wide Wes, who convinces her she’s capable of a much more prestigious job, and convinces he to move to Louisville, Kentucky and start her own hospitality business.

    Upon arrival in Kentucky she quickly picks up as a client the “Campus Beautification Project” of the University of Louisville which is actually the idea of Louisville president James R. Ramsey. Upon meeting Marisa, Ramsey finds out Ty has a predilection for Richard Nixon, which he finds impressive.

    At this point Marisa falls madly in love with Ramsey and dreams of eloping with him, but tragedy strikes when Louisville madam Katina Powell writes a book accusing Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino of letting the Cardinal athletic dorm become a “strip joint,” and Ramsey is busy 24/7 having to explain the situation. The production ends with Ty asking Ramsey, “You know what Rick Pitino and Richard Nixon have in common? Both had to explain what they knew and when they knew it!”

    Goodfellas

    NEW YORK, NEW YORK–Academy Award winning actor Robert De Niro, in an interview with 840 WHAS Radio, expressed that he was “ecstatic” at the opportunity to work with Louisville madam Katina Powell in Warner Brothers’ remake of its American crime classic, “Goodfellas.”

    “I think Robert realizes he’ll never get a chance like this again, so he wants to make the most of it,” said Martin Scorsese, who will once again direct the movie.

    The Goodfellas gang–Henry Hill, Jimmy Conway and Paulie Vario, played by Ray Liota, De Niro, and Paul Sorvino, respectively–arrives in Louisville about halfway through the show, right after they’ve robbed Lufthansa Airlines and set up a gambling scandal at Boston College. Realizing how simple it is to set up a scandal in college athletics, Jimmy “The Gent” Conway decides to zero in on a prostitution ring in the athletic dorm at the University of Louisville. And realizing Rick Pitino is as honest as the day is long, The Gent realizes he must attack this scheme from a different angle. So he recruits Pitino’s assistant, Andre McGee, makes him promise to keep Pitino in the dark on the plan, and offers him six million dollars, the money which was made on the Lufthansa heist, to contact Powell and set up the prostitution ring.

    But the plan falls apart when Henry  Hill turns state’s evidence and flips, Conway and Vario are sent to jail for their involvement, and Pitino gets blamed for the while thing, even though he was kept in the dark the entire time.

    Hoosiers

    HICKORY, INDIANA–Access Hollywood has reported on its late edition that Orion Pictures plans on remaking its breathtaking sports movie “Hoosiers,” this time inserting Louisville madam Katina Powell as a major character in the show.

    “The premise will be the same,” said producer Carter De Haven. “But this time, instead of Shooter (played by Dennis Hopper) having a weakness for alcohol, he has a weakness for the strip shows put on by Katina Powell. He just can’t get enough of those things!”

    Powell moves her operation from Louisville, about 25 miles up to the road to Hickory, where she conducts her strip shows in the classroom of Miss Myra Fleener (played by Barbara Hershey) when Miss Fleener is out of the building kissing the backside of Jimmy Chitwood (played by Maris Valainis). Since Shooter does not have the resources to pay Powell, he offers to let her sit on the Hickory bench with he and the team whenever head coach Norman Dale (played by Gene Hackman) goes ballistic and gets kicked out of the game.

    An emergency town meeting is called to vote on whether or not Powell should be permitted to sit on the Hickory bench. Just as the vote is being taken, Jimmy enters the meeting and asks for permission to speak. Jimmy tells the audience if Powell goes, he goes. The vote is announced, which goes against Powell. But Hershey stands up and demands a revote. The town overwhelming votes to let Powell stay on the bench, and Hickory becomes an unstoppable machine, winning the state championship!

    Rudy

    SOUTH BEND, INDIANA–Tri-Star Pictures has announced that it plans to use the thespian skills of Louisville madam Katina Powell in the remake of its uplifting sports film “Rudy.”

    “As talented as Kitina is, we’d be foolish not to capitalize on this opportunity,” said award-winning director David Anspaugh.

    According to Anspaugh, the way the plot runs this time, is Rudy is spotted walking around campus with Louisville madam Katina Powell, who appears at every Irish practice to root Rudy on while wearing her whore house outfit. This is questionable enough to the administration at Notre Dame, but things get really preposterous when the USA TODAY reports that Katina is also throwing stripper parties in Rudy’s dorm room, and even mentions by name D-Bob, Fortune and Jamie O’Hair as individuals who have participated in these parties.

    Rudy initially denies the information in the USA TODAY, but immediately stops making public comments and hires an attorney when ESPN’s Outside the Lines gets confirmation from D-Bob (played by Jon Favreau) and Fortune (played by Charles Dunton) and Jamie O’Hair (played by Vince Vaughn) that the information reported in the USA TODAY, is “essentially true.” “I thought I was at a strip club,” said Fortune.

    Irish football coach Ara Parseghian (played by Jason Miller) denies knowledge of any strip parties going on in Rudy’s dorm, and says any further questions on the matter should be directed to Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino.

    A Few Good Men

    WASHINGTON, D.C.–Columbia Pictures has announced that it will remake its legal thriller film, “A Few Good Men” using as a backdrop the setting of today’s college athletics.

    “This should really be an eye-opener for college basketball fans,” said director Rob Reiner.

    The opening scene shows Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino being hired to replace Denny Crum, with the wealthy boosters telling Pitino, “we need you on that wall.” The next scene cuts to Louisville basketball years down the road, with Pitino hiring a young assistant named Andre McGee and telling him, “we need you on that wall!” Sensing this means to do whatever it takes to keep the Cardinal basketball program at a top flight level, McGee goes out and hires Louisville madam Katina Powell to perform for the recruits. After years of performing her duty, the plans goes astray when Powell writes a tell-all book about her experience with Louisville basketball.

    Commonwealth attorneys file charges against the Louisville coaching staff. Sensing a setup, the Marines are called in to defend Pitino and McGee. Lieutenant Commander JoAnne Golloway (played by Demi Moore) and Lieutenant Daniel Kaffee (played by Tom Cruise) devise a plan to get the big money boosters of Louisville on the stand to show that Pitino and McGee were just following their orders. The boosters crack on the stand, admitting Kaffee’s observations are correct, and Pitino and McGee walk free.

    Titanic

    NEWFOUNDLAND, CANADA–Golden Glove Award winner Leonardo DiCaprio has told People Magazine he is looking forward to working with Louisville madam Kitina Powell in the upcoming remake of Paramont Pictures’ epic romantic disaster film, “Titanic.”

    “Kitina has an awful lot of natural ability,” said DiCaprio. “I know she has no experience acting, but Indianapolis journalist Dick Cady has assured me she is very credible.”

    In the remake, Powell is travelling as a steerage passenger along with Jack Dawson (played by DiCaprio) while Louisville coach Rick Pitino is travelling in the first class section with Rose DeWitt Bukater (played by Kate Winslett). Dawson catches Powell having sex in an automobile with the father of a Louisville basketball recruit.  Dawson threatens to tell “The Unsinkable” Molly Brown (played by Kathy Bates), knowing Brown would relay the information to Captain Edward John Smith (played by Bernard Hill). Dawson decides to keep quit when Powell reveals a secret to him: that she is being paid handsomely by Pitino to have sex with Louisville players, recruits and their dads.  She even shows Dawson a precious piece of jewelry called, “The Heart of the Ocean,” which Pitino used to pay her for recruiting his 2013 national championship team.

    At this point Powell and Dawson hear a loud collision and realize the ship has hit an iceberg. Dawson rushes up to first-class to save Kate Winslett, while Pitino rushes down to steerage to save Powell.

    Basic Instinct

    SAN FRANSISCO– The Hollywood Insider is reporting that TriStar Pictures plans to do a remake of its erotic thriller film “Basic Instinct,” utilizing the Louisville basketball coaching staff as well as renowned Louisville madam Kitina Powell.

    “The plot has a real diversion, and which men struggle against their souls wondering if it is worth it to break NCAA rules,” said director Paul Verhoeven.

    According to Verhoeven, the central character will once again be psycho killer Catherine Trammel (played by Sharon Stone) who is regarded as femme fatale and called by many critics the most evil woman ever created for the silver screen. Nick Curren (played by Michael Douglas) is once again a washed up cop involved in a cat-and-mouse game, wondering if she should kill Trammel or report her to the NCAA.

    “In the new version, Catherine approaches Louisville assistant coach Andre McGee, and makes him an offer that seems to good to be true,” said Verhoeven. “Catherine, through her vast connections she is always networking, finds out that Powell is servicing Louisville recruits, and finds out what Powell is charging. Trammel offers to provide her own ladies (some of whom have icepicks) for half the price.

    “From here, let’s just say it is a dilemma Andre McGee, head coach Rick Pitino and athletic director Tom Jurich ponder the rest of the film. And it all ends with a very thrilling ending in the living room of Hazel Dobkins, while George Dzundza looks on like a dork!”

    Fast Times at Ridgemont High

    RIDGEMONT, CALIFORNIA–The Sporting News is reporting today that Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino is furious with Universal Pictures over a cameo role he was asked to play in the film studios’ remake of the classic coming-of-age film, “Fast Times at Ridgemont High.”

    “Coach Pitino was totally misled about his assignment in the picture,” said Louisville board of trustees chairman Larry Benz, who added the board has called an emergency closed-door session to “discuss litigation matters,” and also added that he can not tell you, “what a privilege it is to be the board chairman for such a distinguished group.”

    According to Benz, Pitino was contacted by Universal to play a small role in the film, and since he was going to be out in southern California anyway recruiting Moreno Valley hotshot Andre McGee, he agreed to do it. Pitino’s role was as the new basketball coach at Ridgemont High, and he was to show up at a local pool to try to convince Jeff Spicoli (played by Sean Penn) to give up surfing a come out for basketball. But when he got out to the pool, Phoebe Cates unexpectedly walked by him and took off her bikini top, in what Rolling Stone called, “the most memorable bikini drop in cinema history.”

    “With all the other controversies going on right now, Rick just did not need to be pictured in this scene,” said Louisville athletic director Tom Jurich. “He begged Phoebe not to take off her top, but she wouldn’t listen.”

    Animal House

    FABER, PENNSYLVANIA–Award-winning director John Landis has told the Wall Street Journal that he plans on doing a remake of the Universal Studios’ classic American comedy “Animal House,” which will include an appearance by Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino.

    “I can’t tell you how excited I am about this project,” said Landis. “There is no question in my mind this will be the best production since ‘Gone With The Wind.’”

    Like the original, the famed Deltas decide to throw a Toga Party to cheer themselves up upon learning their grade point averages are ridiculously low. But this time, fraternity member John Blutarsky (played by John Bilushi) decides they should include some strippers at the festivities. So he contacts his good friend, Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino to get some recommendations. Pitino suggests Blutarsky contact Katina Powell, whom the Louisville basketball program has been utilizing for years. Powell not only shows up, she works hand in glove that night with R&B singer Otis Knight, making it the best party in the history of the campus. School dean Vernon Wormer is furious, so he sets up a kangaroo court to have the Deltas thrown out of school.

    Pitino shows up to speak on behalf of the Deltas, and makes a mockery of the proceedings, wholeheartedly admitting he was responsible for the fun-loving evening, and grinning from ear-to-ear as he leads the Deltas on a march out of courtroom.

    Rambo

    HOPE, WASHINGTON–Inside Edition is reporting that Orion Pictures plans to remake its classic action adventure movie “Rambo” by utilizing the Louisville athletic staff underscore the goodness of athletic administrators.

    “The movie starts out with decorated Vietnam war vet John Rambo walking through the isolated mountain town of Hope Washington, but getting thrown out of town by Sheriff Will Teasle, who is brilliantly played by Brian Dennehy,” said director Ted Kotscheff. “But this is where the wonderful Louisville athletic department comes into play!”

    The script takes a turn from the original when Louisville athletic director Tom Jurich just happens to drive into town, getting some R&R from some Agent Orange spreading around Louisville known at Katina Powell Escorts, Inc. Jurich sees Rambo (played by the iconic Sylvester Stallone) and convinces him rather go back into Hope, get arrested, escape, then utterly destroy a search party equipped automatic weapons, attack dogs and helicopters, he ought to just come back to Louisville with Jurich and apply for work as a gigolo with Katina Powell.

    The film gains credibility when Louisville president James R. Ramsey publically makes the comment, “I fully support Tom as we work to identify the facts of the John Rambo situation.” Although Ramsey did give a vote of confidence to Jurich, he neglected to mention head basketball coach Rick Pitino, leading some Cardinal observers to wonder if there is some sort of UFO conspiracy theory in the works at Louisville.

    Dr. No

    LONDON, ENGLAND–The London Times is reporting that Eon Productions, a British film production company known for producing the James Bond series, has a remake of its 1962 British spy film “Dr. No” in progress.

    Although Eon Productions is saying little about the project, the London Times was able to find out the narrative starts movingwhen the University of Louisville encounters some problems beyond its control, and hires The Compliance Group to get to the bottom of it. After a thorough investigation,  Compliance Group president Chuck Smrt concludes the key to all of Louisville’s problems lies with the mysterious Dr. Julius No, a recluse who lives on an island he owns in Jamaica called Crab Key.

    Smrt immediately summons Louisville assistant basketball coach Andre McGee to go to Kingston, and try to penetrate Dr. No’s fortress. But while walking along the beach, McGee encounters the stunning Honey Rider (played by Swiss sex symbol Ursula Andres) clad only in a white bikini. Andre tries to convince Rider that rather than spend her life working as a shell diver on a tropical island, she should return to Louisville with him and go to work for a madam he knows named Katina Powell. Rider immediately asks McGee if Louisville head basketball coach Rick Pitino is aware of his relationship with Powell.

    “Rick is Rick, he knows everything,” says McGee.

    Right after saying that, Dr. No launches an atomic-powered radio beam to overload a nuclear reactor in basement of the KFC YUM! Center, blowing the building to smithereens.

    North by Northwest

    HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA–Media giant MGM has announced tonight that it is working on a remake of its classic spy thriller, Alfred Hitchcock’s “North by Northwest.” The cast will include a cameo appearance by Louisville madam Katina Powell, as well as a leading role for Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino. Pitino will play the role of Roger Thornhill, the beleaguered advertising executive who is mistaken for a government agent by a mysterious organization, which tires to eliminate him, believing he is trying to foil their plan to smuggle secret microfilm out of the country which contains sensitive government information.

    “The plot will remain exactly the same,” said MGM CEO Gary Barber. “The only difference is that Rick will play the Cary Grant role and Katina will fly the crop-duster plane which tries to mow Rick down and kill him in the farmland of mid-America.”

    Barber said the reason for using Powell to play the deadly crop-duster, is that MGM is trying to take advantage of all the recent national publicity of  Powell trying to mow down Pitino’s basketball coaching career.

    “Everywhere you look from Good Morning America to ESPN’s Outside the Lines to CBS Sports Radio, Katina is on there doing a number on Rick,” said Barber.

    Barber said the main problem MGM faces now is teaching Powell how to fly a crop-duster, but is confident she can master aviation skills. “Renowned Indianapolis author Dick Cady assured me she is very capable and competent and credible,” said Barber.

    The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas

    GILBERT, TEXAS–Golden Globe winners Burt Reynolds and Jim Nabors have told the Dallas Morning News they are looking forward to being “back in Texas” and working side by side with Louisville madam Katina Powell in the remake of RKO’s  delightful musical comedy, “The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.”

    “If you thought the last presentation was funny, wait till you see this one,” said Reynolds.

    In this plot, Powell, for reasons not clearly stated, suddenly feels unwelcome in her hometown of Louisville, Kentucky and decides to go to work for Miss Mona Stangley (played by Dolly Parton) at the renowned “Chicken Ranch” in Texas. She does a commendable job and soon becomes one of Miss Mona’s favorites. She eventually suggests that the Chicken Ranch host a “Louisville Old Timers Night” and invite all the Cardinal greats out to the ranch for an evening of rip-roaring fun. She calls Andre McGee to compile the “guest list.”

    But as she is doing this, she is simultaneously contacting Houston newsman Melvin P. Thorpe, (played by Dom DeLuise) to raid the Chicken Ranch, and cause the University of Louisville even more embarrassment. But the plan is foiled when town sheriff Ed Earl Dodd (played by Reynolds) suspects Powell is up to foul play, and intercepts the bus carrying the Louisville greats out to the Chicken Ranch, and warns them not to go.

    The Graduate

    PASADENA, CALIFORNIA–Embassy Pictures has proudly announced that it will revive its 1967 comedy-drama “The Graduate,” starring Louisville madam Katina Powell, which will be in theaters this summer.

    “It will be another blockbuster film” said director Dustin Hoffman.

    In the new version, California native Andre McGee drifts back home to after graduating from the University of Louisville, and is greeted by a party thrown by his parents for his accomplishments. But McGee is very uncomfortable at the party, very uncomfortable with all his friends, neighbors and relatives asking him what his future plans are, so he drifts back to Louisville, where he is introduced to local madam Katina Powell at a barbershop. He then takes a job as an assistant coach at Louisville. and calls Powell, thinking it would be neat to have some prostitutes comes over to the athletic dorm. He then falls for McGee’s daughter Shay, McGee is furious, so she writes a tell-all book which could cost Louisville head coach Rick Pitino his career, even though Pitino was in the dark on this caper the entire time.

    There’s No Business Like Show Business

    HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA–The Boston Globe is reporting that current Boston Celtic and former Louisville Cardinal Terry Rozier will be a featured actor in 20th Century Fox’s remake of the renowned musical-comedy-drama “There’s No Business Like Show Business.”

    “Terry was in the right place at the right time, and we welcome him to the silver screen,” said 20th Century Fox CEO Jim Gianopulos.

    The movie starts when Katina Powell, desiring a stable family life for her daughters, comes to the athletic dorm at Louisville and starts putting on strip shows–”The Three Powells ” is how they come to be known around the athletic dorm–which feature the option of taking the dancers to the backroom for “additional services” if the proper price can be negotiated. Vicki (played by Marilyn Monroe) convinces Rozier that this is a heck of an opportunity, and that he should not let it pass by, especially when Louisville assistant Andre McGee is picking up the tab. Rozier finally agrees.

    But Rozier gets caught with his pants down, when Powell writes a tell-all book about the prostitution, naming Rozier by name in her publication. The movie ends with Rozier contemplating how he could have been played for such a sucker, and as the credits role Powell is onstage signing, “There’s No Business as Sleazy as College Basketball!”

    Working Girl

    MANHATTAN, NEW YORK–20th Century Fox has told the Village Voice that it will be doing a remake of its 80′s romantic-comedy, “Working Girl” utilizing Louisville madam Katina Powell in a key role.

    “Getting a commitment from Katina was what really had everyone excited,” said director Mike Nichols.

    The play starts when a stockbroker’s secretary from Staten Island named Tess McGill (played by Melanie Griffin) comes home from her job in Manhattan and finds her boyfriend (played by Alex Baldwin) in a compromising position with Powell. At first she is disillusioned, but then comes up with a marvelous marketing idea: recommend that Trask Industries, a valued client to her company, get involved in prostitution, using Powell as a linchpin to fuel the operation.

    She explains to executive Jack Trainer (played by Harrison Ford) the venture is a solid business opportunity, and if the feds end up busting up the prostitution ring, they can always blame it on Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino. When the operation flourishes and makes money another business executive (played by Sigourney Weaver) tries to take credit for it. But when the feds bust it up, she tries to blame it on Tess.

    Tess tells the NCAA it was all Pitino’s idea, and the NCAA hits Louisville with a “lack of institutional control” charge, and Pitino is suspended for next year’s opener with Sul Ross State, as Carly Simon sings, “Let the River Run.”

    Clueless

    BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA–Paramount Pictures has told the Entertainment Section of the Los Angeles Times that it plans to remake its coming-of-age comedy movie “Clueless,” utilizing all the players in the Louisville basketball scandal.

    “The first time we did ‘Clueless’ it was a real teen hit,” said director Amy Heckerling. “This time we are going to update our audience a little so college-aged students, particularly NCAA basketball fans, can really enjoy it.”

    In the remake, Cher Horowitz (played brilliantly by Alicia Silverstone) leaves Beverly Hills and goes off to college at the University of Louisville where she easily discovers that she ain’t worth a damn as a student and will need help to elevate her average from a D to an A. So she tries to set her hard-grading professor, Miss Geist (played by Twink Caplan) up with Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino. When that matchmaking scheme fails, she tries to set her up with former Cardinal quarterback  Teddy Bridgewater. When that matchmaking scheme fails she comes up with another idea: she has heard that assistant basketball coach Andre McGee has turned the athletic dorm into a strip club, and offers to join Katina Powell’s staff if he can get Pitino to use his massive clout around campus to get her all A’s.

    But before it all comes to fruition, Powell writes a tell-all book exposing the hanky-panky in the athletic dorm, and Horowitz goes back to Beverly Hills to stagnate forever.

    A Rebel Without A Cause

    LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA–Warner Brothers studio has announced it is planning a remake of its 1955 blockbuster drama, “Rebel With A Cause,” building the story around the scandal going on at the University of Louisville and mixing it in with some confused, middle-class teenagers who consume too much alcohol and dress too provocatively for their own good.

    “It definitely has the potential to be another blockbuster social statement on America,” said Warner Brothers CEO Richard Omera.

    In the remake, a confused baffled Los Angeles teenager named Judy (played by Natalie Wood) is taken to the police station and tells an arresting offer she is despondent because her father keeps referring to her as a “dirty tramp.” This if overheard by another nutjob at the police station, Jim Stark (played by James Dean) who was taken in for public intoxication. Stark tells Judy she can make her deams come true, by going to work for a Louisville madam named Katina Powell who is running all kinds of charades at the University of Louisvlle athletic dorm.

    Judy immediately asks Stark if head coach Rick Pitino is aware of all of this.

    “Of course he’s aware,” says Stark. “Rick is Rick, he knows everything going on!”

    True Grit

    FORT SMITH, ARKANSAS–Access Hollywood is reporting tonight that Paramount Pictures has decided to do a remake of its 1969 Western technicolor movie, “True Grit,” this time featuring Louisville madam Katina Powell.

    “I think this one will be better than the original,” said Robert Duvall, who plays the role “Lucky Ned” Pepper.

    In the new version, Powell writes a blockbuster book about prostitution and burlesque shows in the Louisville athletic dorm. But she can’t find a publisher who will take her seriously and publish her book. She takes a ride over to Fort Smith, Arkansas to negotiate with U.S. Marshall Reuben “Rooster” Cogburn (played by John Wayne) in hopes he can track down a publisher. She was told by former Cardinal player Russ Smith that Cogburn has “true grit.” Cogburn searches all over Indian Territory. He is eventually joined by Texas Ranger La Boeuf (played by Glen Campbell) much to the chagrin of Powell, who always hated Campbell’s music, particularly, “Rhinestone Cowboy.”

    But it is La Boeuf who actually saves the day, when he suggests they take the manuscript to a publishing company in Indianapolis owned by a big Indiana Hoosier booster, who probably doesn’t care much about objective journalism, but would love an opportunity to stick it to Louisville.

    The Social Network

    CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS–Columbia Pictures has told The Wall Street Journal that it will produce a remake of its drama movie, “The Social Network”

    “This one will revolve around the basketball scandal at the University of Louisville and it should be one of the best movies ever made,” said director David Fincher.

    In the remake, Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss come up with the idea of setting up a prostitution ring in the athletic dorm at Harvard University. They contact Louisville madam Katina Powell to supply the girls and run the operation which they will call, “The Crimson Cupcakes.” But Powell is contacted by Mark Zuckerman (played by Jesse Eisenberg) and convinced they could put a much more lucrative operation in place in Powell’s hometown of Louisville. Zuckerman contacts Louisville assistant Andre McGee. The first meeting with McGee is productive. He eventually agrees to pay them $10,000 for 22 shows. The operation becomes extremely popular.

    But the Winklevoss twins eventually find out about the operation in Louisville and are furious. They feel Zuckerman pirated their idea. They take their case to the chancellor of Harvard. When they get no reaction from the chancellor, they decide to sue McGee, and settle out of court for 65 million dollars.

    Powell goes off and writes a tell-all book about the experience, although it is estimated she earned far less than 65 million dollars.

    The Wolf of Wall Street

    NEW YORK, NEW YORK–The New York Times is reporting Paramount Pictures has scheduled a remake of its biographical comedy movie, “The Wolf of Wall Street” and decided to include Louisville madam Katina Powell in the production.

    “When you have a story like Katina’s, you just have to get it on the silver screen,” said director Martin Scorsese.

    Washed up stock broker Jordan Belfort (played by Leonardo DiCaprio) moves to Louisville, Kentucky where he gets talking to Cardinal assistant basketball coach Andree McGee at a local barber shop. He tells McGee he has expertise on “pump and dump” procedures which made him a fortune on penny stocks. Belfort claims the same “hard sell” techniques could be applied to basketball recruiting. Powell happens to be in the barber shop at the same time and overhears the conversation. She agrees to supply the muscle for the operation.

    Things go fine for four seasons, but Powell suddenly decides to write a tell-all book on the adventure. Belfort is confronted by the NCAA, and since the evidence against him is so overwhelming, he starts gathering evidence to blame the whole operation on “lack of institutional control” by Louisville head coach Rick Pitino.

    Belfort received a reduced sentence by the NCAA for his cooperation, and served 36 months at a minimum-security prison in Hawaii, while Pitino was left to pick up the pieces, and try to explain how such an atrocity could happen on his watch.

    Peter Travers of The Rolling Stone called, “The Wolf of Wall Street” the corniest film he ever saw in his life.





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    November 9th, 2015 | Willie | No Comments |

About The Author

Willie Backer

is an award-winning, veteran writer who has chronicled major news and sports events all across america, and is the author of the brand new book " The Legends Son...and the Ultra-competitive World of Alabama Football.

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