That Diabolical Nick Saban Blockbuster Biography!
  • Nick Saban not only made it clear at a recent press conference he’d rather disrobe, bend over, and submit to a cavity search as opposed to answer questions on the new biography about him, but also, he went into a diatribe condemning unauthorized biographies in general, questioning the accurateness of the information. Leaving us with just one question: why did Saban even waste his time? The book, “Saban: The Making of a Coach” hardly has anything blockbuster in it. Nothing that will make for an episode of Jerry Springer. Interesting reading, most definitely. Sensational corruption that could bring down Nick? The Chronicles of Narnia are probably more compelling. Okay, it underscores how Saban blatantly lied to Miami about his interest in Alabama, and blatantly lied to Alabama about his interest in Texas. Big deal, anyone with even a lint ball for a brain suspected that happened, not to mention coaches do this literally all the time. The book says Saban’s father was tough on him. So what? He’s hardly the Lone Ranger there. Joseph Kennedy made it clear to his sons anything less than the Oval Office was colossal failure, and Jerry West’s father beat him up so relentlessly it left him scarred for life. The book reveals Earle Bruce forced out Saban at Ohio State. Just like the president of Maryland forced out Bear Bryant, Bobby Lowder forced out Terry Bowden, Harry Truman fired General MacArthur, etc., etc., etc. The book details how Nick is such a relentless recruiter he knew the favorite chewing gum of a recruit. Big deal! Former former Marquette basketball coach Kevin O’Neal once dressed up in a gorilla costume in the almighty necessity of impressing a recruit. When it comes to recruiting all cards are on the table. And Nick doesn’t belittle himself on the recruiting trail any more than the others; certainly he never got in a gorilla costume. Blockbuster stuff, to me anyway, was like “Under the Tarnished Dome,” which detailed how Lou Holtz utilized a slush fund at Minnesota and paid his players thousands of dollars under the table. (Same thing that got SMU the death penalty.) Or details how Holtz recruited a plethora of players at Notre Dame who couldn’t even score 700 on their college boards and had serious character issues, causing the university all kinds of embarrassment. Or Skip Bayless accusing Troy Aikman of being gay. Blockbuster stuff, is Nevin Shapiro showing receipts in the vicinity of two million dollars to back up claims he provided Miami players with cash, prostitutes and abortions. But the Nick Saban bio? As Willie Shakespeare put it, “much to do about noting!” Having said that, here are a series of instances that, if they did happen and were reported in the bio, would have been blockbuster:

    As a child, Saban was addicted to Heckle and Jeckle

    FAIRMONT, WEST VIRGINIA–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography about Alabama coach Nick Saban titled, “Saban, The Making of a Coach,” claims that as a youngster Saban was completely infatuated with the cartoon characters Heckle and Jeckle, and spent so much time in front of the TV watching the Terrytoon animated magpies that his father founded the Idamay Black Diamonds, a Pop Warner team, just to get his son away from the television set.

    “That falsetto voice Jeckle used to talk with just cracked Nick up! And he’d just be rolling on the floor laughing every time he heard it,” said Burke.

    “Nick Sr. was also concerned that slapstick violence and smart-aleck backtalk was not healthy for a little boy to be watching,” said Willie Criado, the town’s postmaster for 38 years. “And he wanted to get Nick away from Heckle and Jeckle and on to a better life.”

    “It proved to be a stroke of genius,” said Kerry Marbury, a life-long friend of the Saban’s and current professor at North Carolina State University. “Nick really took a liking to football and if Nick Sr. had not started that Pop Warner team, Nick would probably still be in front of a TV set giggling at the antics of Heckle and Jeckle!”

    As an adolescent, Saban greatly admired Eddie Haskell

    FAIRMONT, WEST VIRGINIA–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography about Alabama coach Nick Saban, has unveiled the fact that Saban, as a teenager, was a great admirer of Eddie Haskell, a fictional character on the television situation comedy Leave It To Beaver, which ran in the late fifties and early sixties on both the CBS and ABC networks.

    “The characteristics Nick picked up from Eddie really helped Nick later in his career when he was recruiting,” said Burke. “The neat grooming, the overdone polite manners, the flattering compliments to Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver, that’s all stuff which came in handy when Nick was recruiting five-star talents like Rolando McClain and Dont’a Hightower and A.J. McCarron.”

    Burke does point out this method nearly backfired when Saban recruited Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix and kept referring to him as “Young Ha’Sean.” Clinton-Dix’s grandmother harshly scolded Saban, explaining the family preferred to call the youth “Ha-Ha.”

    “Another item we need to consider, is when Eddie got away from all the parents, he became a smart-aleck who was always instigating schemes, and I was told Nick is this way in coaches’ meetings,” said Burke.

    Saban learned to make moonshine at age 15

    FAIRMONT, WEST VIRGINIA–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography about Alabama coach Nick Saban, claims that Saban, in an effort to help his parents make ends meet, learned how to make illegal moonshine at age 15 and sold it at tremendous markup to customers in Marion County, West Virginia. “Nick learned to make moonshine from Pappy Joe Clearman, the master moonshine maker in West Virginia,” said Burke. “And because Pappy Joe taught Nick to mix the corn mash with the other ingredients so well, it was high-quality stuff that everyone wanted, so Nick not only had loyal customers in the central West Virginia area, he had loyal customers all throughout the Appalachian area. And he really made a good buck on the side being a bootlegger.”

    “Nick was one of the best moonshine makers I ever taught,” said Pappy Joe. “He could mix up the sugar, and yeast, and grain with the best of them.”

    Many friends of Saban feel that the attention to detail he learned from Pappy Joe is what ultimately made him a great football coach, according to Burke.

    Saban had a crush on Gloria Steinem in college

    NEW YORK, NEW YORK–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography about Alabama coach Nick Saban titled, “Saban, The Making of a Coach,” has shed light on the fact that Saban, while a college student, had an irresistible crush on political activist Gloria Steinem, who led the feminist revolt in the sixties and seventies.

    “Nick was just amazed with her,”  said Burke. “He thought Gloria posing as a Playboy bunny to write a story exposing the real life of a bunny, was a slicker move than any move Mark Ingram ever made.”

    Burke said many of the principles Steinem used to radically reorder women’s role in society is what Saban used to win four national championships.

    “Nick really challenged recruiting practices the way Gloria challenged gender roles and sexual objectification, and it has definitely worked to his benefit. So the methods he gleaned by being so smitten with Gloria turned out to be a very positive element of his career.”

    Saban is an ancestor of Ma Barker

    FAIRMONT, WEST VIRGINIA–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography about Alabama coach Nick Saban titled, “Saban, The Making of a Coach” reveals that Saban is an ancestor of Ma Barker, a ruthless crime monarch who controlled and planned monstrous criminal activity performed by her sons which eventually landed the gang on the FBI’s Most Wanted list.

    “I don’t know if Nick was related to Ma on his father’s side or his mother’s side, but the Saban family was determined not to let this information get out under any circumstances,” said Burke. “They did not want people thinking that were robbers or crooks.”

    Burke’s sources said that both FBI director J. Edgar Hoover and his successor L. Patrick Gray were aware  the Sabans were ancestors of the Barkers, but never found any criminal connections, so the information was never made public.

    “Nick nor his family never had much of anything to do with the Ma Barker gang, but they really didn’t have do,” said Burke. “Nick has Jimmy Sexton to do his dirty work, so why would he need Ma Barker and her associates? Trust me, Ma Barker, even with a machine gun, could have never leveraged and coerced the kind of contracts Jimmy has!”

    Saban bonded with Greg McElroy by watching “Who Framed Roger Rabbit”

    TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography on Alabama coach Nick Saban titled, “Saban, The Making of a Coach” reveals that Saban bonded with Alabama quarterback Greg McElroy by watching the crime detective/comedy “Who Framed Roger Rabbit.”

    “On the surface it sounds kind of silly,” said Burke. “But Nick took one look at Greg and immediately thought he had the kind of potential that was needed to lead Alabama to a national title. But there was a problem. Greg was a Mike Shula recruit, and Nick knew he had to win Greg’s loyalty and trust somehow.”

    According to one of Burke’s sources on the team, Saban was able to find out that McElroy had a predilection for Jessica Rabbit, Roger Rabbit‘s sultry, seductive wife. So Saban approached McElroy after practice one day, and suggested to two spend the night in front of the DVR  watching, “Who Framed Roger Rabbit.”

    “They must have watched it over, and over for weeks,” said Burke. “And Greg really gained a lot of confidence in Nick. And that, as much as anything, is how Nick won his first national championship at Alabama.”

    Saban went on camping trips with Abbie Hoffman

    WORCESTER, MASSACHUSETTS–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography on Alabama coach Nick Saban titled, “Saban, The Making of a Coach” revealed that Saban, the summer after he graduated from college, regularly went on camping trips with Abbie Hoffman, a social activist and founder of the Yippies. “Nick first saw Abbie at a violent confrontation in Chicago during the 1968 Democratic Convention, when Abbie was arrested for conspiracy to start a riot,” said Burke. “Nick was really proud of the way Abbie got in the face of the Chicago policemen and just wouldn’t back down!”

    After that, the two formed a friendship, which led to their decision to always go camping on weekends at Harold Parker State Park in Andover, Massachusetts, where Saban listened to Hoffman’s Marxist ideas and Hoffman listened to Saban’s theories on the triple option.

    “Abbie always thought Nick was a little runt,” said Jerry Rubin, another counterculture creep at the time. “But he felt sorry for Nick because he was so short, so he let’em come on the camping trips with us men.”

    Saban was arrested for streaking at Kent State

    KENT, OHIO–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography of Alabama coach Nick Saban, has disclosed the fact that Saban actually has a police record, from the time he was arrested while streaking as a Kent State student.

    “Keep in mind, this was the early seventies, and students all across America were into the streaking fad,” said Burke. “This included students at Kent State, and there were hundreds of them doing it. Nick happened to be one of the unlucky ones who got caught.”

    “Nick did it purely as a practical joke,” said Don James, Saban’s coach at Kent State. “It wasn’t like he had some issue to protest or was angry at the establishment.”

    James said no charges were filed, and had Saban not been so ignorant to streak through Risman Plaza, where many policemen are always deployed, he never would have been apprehended.

    Saban credits James with changing his life.

    “Coach James was my mentor and probably the biggest influence in my life,” said Saban. “And he convinced me, instead of running around the campus with no clothes no, I should put my energy into coaching. And today, if were not for Coach James, I’d probably still be streaking around college campuses.”

    Saban attended Woodstock

    BETHEL, NEW YORK–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography of Alabama coach Nick Saban, claims that Saban attended Woodstock, a musical festival in upstate New York which is regarded as the outward manifestation of the counterculture movement of the sixties. “Nick was getting ready to go through two-a-days at Kent State, and figured he’d get some relaxation before the season started,” said Burke.

    Burke, who included a picture of Saban attending the performance by Joan Baez, (Saban is in the third row, on the bottom right of the picture) said that Saban had a very enjoyable time, and was very impressed by the signing of Arlo Gutherie.

    “Once Nick got into college coaching he rarely mentioned his attendance at Woodstock,” said Burke. “Woodstock was considered a gathering of irresponsible hippes, and Nick did not feel colleges like Michgan State and LSU and Alabama and Texas would ever offer him jobs if they knew he was at Woodstock.”

    Saban did his college thesis on Lady Godiva

    KENT, OHIO–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography of Alabama coach Nick Saban titled, “Saban, The Making of a Coach” reveals that Saban did his college thesis at Kent State on Lady Godiva, an 11th century Angelo-Saxon noblewoman who rode naked through the streets of Coventry, England to protest the high taxation on the citizens.

    “Nick really thought Lady Godiva had some balls,” said Burke. “He was so impressed with the way she stood up to royalty, that he knew he just had to model his coaching career after her.”

    “There were some of us who wondered about Nick’s motives for choosing this subject matter,” said Kent State professor, Dr. Ivan Cestra, who chaired the committee that oversaw Saban’s thesis. “Some of us felt Nick did it just so he could show a provocative picture of Lady Godiva on horseback.”

    “That theory is pure hogwash,” said Burke. “Coach Saban did way to much research on the subject just to try to impress people with a picture!”

    Saban tried out for the role of Doug Neidermeyer in the movie Animal House

    HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography of Alabama football coach Nick Saban, has revealed that Saban once tried out for the role of Doug Neidermeyer, a sadistic ROTC cadet commander in the comedy movie, “Animal House.”

    “Nick was coaching at Syracuse that year, and he was really unhappy,” writes Burke. “He had thought about dabbling in acting for sometime. So he asked him agent, Jimmy Sexton, to help him. Jimmy contacted Universal Pictures out in Hollywood, and was able to get ahold of the script for Animal House. Jimmy looked at the script, and felt the role of Doug Neidermeyer would be perfect for Nick.”

    Saban was allegedly very impressed with the role, auditioned for it, and tried very had to get it.

    “Director John Landis thought Nick would be ideal for the part,” said Burke. “But ultimately Landis thought Nick was just too short to be Doug Neidermeyer. Universal Pictures wanted a big, tall, intimidating dude, so Nick’s height was certainly a detriment to his acting career.”

    Saban consulted with Blondie before turning down Texas job

    HAWTHORNE, NEW JERSEY–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography of Alabama coach Nick Saban, claims that Saban consulted with punk rock singer Deborah Harry when deciding whether to accept a 100-million dollar contract from the University of Texas.

    “Nick has a lot of respect for Blondie,” said Burke. “The way she has been able to create, and recreate herself in all sorts of different genres and fields from singing to acting. And he wanted Blondie’s advice on whether or not a guy in his sixties can recreate himself in Austin, Texas.”

    According to Burke, Blondie didn’t feel being in your sixties and moving to Austin, Texas was a problem but she was highly leery Saban working for Texas athletic director Steve Patterson, whom she felt was the sleaziest guy she ever laid eyes on.

    “And for Blondie to say a guy is the sleaziest guy she ever saw is a mouthful,” said Burke. “Keep in mind she’s seen losers from the dives she’s played in from Miami Beach to Greenwich Village, not to mention all those Bozos in the new wave industry. And when she told Nick that, he immediately got cold feet!”

    Saban followed Bianca and Mick Jagger into Studio 54 one night

    NEW YORK, NEW YORK–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography of Alabama coach Nick Saban, reports that Saban, in the late seventies, followed Bianca and Mike Jagger into renowned Manhattan nightclub Studio 54 one evening.

    “He walked up to us on the street, and told us they wouldn’t let him in the club, and asked if he could walk in with us,” said Mick Jagger. “He told me he had always been a big fan of mine, and we kind of felt sorry for him, so we let him walk in with us.”

    “Nick just had the time of his life with us that night,” said Bianca Jagger. “We introduced him to everyone from Liz Taylor to Jackie Kennedy Onassis to John Travolta to Mikhail Baryshnikov, and he just loved it.”

    “Nick and Bianca really hit it off well,” said Burke. “They are both Roman Catholics, and Bianca spent the night putting the moves on Nick while Mick wondered out loud if more cocaine passed through Studio 54 than Central America!”

    Saban tried to poison Hilary Clinton using Little Debbie cream cakes

    LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS–Forbes writer Monte Bukre, in an unauthorized biography about Alabama coach Nick Saban titled “Saban, The Making of a Coach,” reports that Saban once tried to poison Secretary of State Hillary Clinton by placing ricin in some Little Debbie cream cakes he offered her at a gathering of prominent citizens in Arkansas.

    “It was actually a non-fatal poising,” said Burke. “It wasn’t like he put Hemlock or Dimethyl Mercury or Polonium in her Little Debbie Cakes…something that would kill her instantly. This was more meant to induce a upset stomach and vomiting.”

    He remains unclear why Saban would want to poison Clinton, other than it was some life lesson he was about to use for his to his football team.

    Forbes said the Secret Service was able to detect the poison before Clinton swallowed it whole (by the incredulous look on her face) so the damage was mitigated.

    “Needless to say, I think Nick is a real stinker for doing this,” said Clinton. “I’ve already survived Benghazi, and it appears I’m going to survive E-mailgate, but I don’t know if I could have survived barfing on a stage with Nick Saban.”

    “I’ve been around politics for quite some time,” said Clinton aide Huma Abedin. “And this without question is the highest form of dirty pool I ever heard of.”

    Saban won $150,000 off Plexico Burris playing backgammon

    EAST LANSING–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography about Alabama coach Nick Saban (which Saban condemned at one of his press conferences), claims that Saban actually won $150,000 off star split end Plexico Burris the years the two spent together at Michigan State.

    “This actually had a double whammy effect,” said Burke. “First off, Saban discovered that Plex had an annoying habit of carrying around an unlicensed gun and going into night clubs. Nick felt this was a recipe for disaster, so rather than let Plex loose in East Lansing, Nick was always inviting him over for games of backgammon. Then, Saban had an addition he wanted to put on his patio for some extra space for Miss Terry and the girls. And he was able to use his winnings from Plex to do this.”

    It is unclear whether this was a violation of any NCAA rules, but Burke did note the NCAA briefly looked into the matter.

    While in Cleveland, Saban signed a petition to have Bill Belichick deported to a Communist Bloc country

    WARSAW, POLAND–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography about Alabama coach Nick Saban (which Saban roundly criticized at a recent press conference) reveals that when Saban coached in Cleveland, he was one of many Cleveland Browns employees who signed a petition to have the citizenship of head coach Bill Belichick revoked, and have Belichick deported to a Communist Bloc country.

    “We were able to find this out through immigration records made available to public citizens after the fall of the Berlin Wall,” said Burke. “It seems that all kinds of Browns employees were sick and tired of the Joseph Stalin-type tactics Belichick used to intimidate his staff. They wanted their freedom. They were made to feel like factory workers who only had security if they worked for meager wages and didn’t complain about the company’s leadership. And if the Browns had been winning it would have been one thing. But they were something like 36-44 under Belichick. So even the Browns owners were eager to see him go.”

    At Michigan State, Saban never missed an episode of  The Nanny

    EAST LANSING, MICHIGAN–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography about Alabama coach Nick Saban titled, “Saban, The Making of a Coach” takes a deeper look into an annoying habit Saban had at Michigan State of watching The Nanny, a TV sitcom aired by CBS starring Fran Drescher as a Jewish New Yorker who becomes the nanny to three high-society children.

    “Nick just couldn’t get enough of that show,” said former Navy coach Gary Tranquill, who was Michigan State’s offensive coordinator at the time. “The Yiddish humor, the eccentric family members, Fran Drescher’s miniskirts, he loved it all.”

    “Nick would have graduate assistants record the show, so he could watch it anytime he wanted,” recalls Spartan defensive coordinator Dean Pees. “And it didn’t matter if we were in an offensive meeting, a defensive meeting, or out on the field practicing. If Nick was in the mood for The Nanny, he would just disappear and go back to the coaches’ offices and watch it!”

    “In a way it was a little ridiculous, the head coach just dropping everything he was doing just so he could go watch, The Nanny,” said former Spartan split end Derrick Mason, who was drafted by the Tennessee Titans. “But the overall effect was good because it was one of the few times any of us ever saw Coach Saban in a good mood.”

    Saban was pen pals with G. Gordon Liddy

    WASHINGTON, D.C.–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography about Alabama football coach Nick Saban, claims that when Saban first started coaching, he was pen pals with G. Gordon Liddy, a convicted felon who was the mastermind of the White House Plumbers, a covert unit which was responsible for the Watergate break-in.

    “Nick and Gordon were really soul mates,” said Burke. “They agreed philosophically on just about everything.”.

    That Saban and Liddy were pen pals was confirmed to Burke by both former White Council John Dean, as well as his wife Maureen, as well as Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward. But the content of their letters is still a mystery to all. I guess we can pretty well imagine some of the things those guys were discussing, but Nick won’t tell me what they corresponded about, and if G. Gordon wouldn’t tell Watergate prosecutors about his covert activities, he sure as hell isn’t going to tell me about his private letters with Nick Saban,” said Burke.

    Burke claims that although Liddy was responsible for illegal wiretaps, conspiracy and refusing to testify to the Senate committee investigating Watergate, Saban never thought he was as big a crook as Bill Belichick, whom Saban worked for in the NFL.

    “Trust me, Nick always felt Gordon was a kid with a pea shooter compared to some of the covert activities Belichick pulled!” said Burke

    Saban successfully recruited Jamarcus Russell by reading Jamarcus his favorite bedtime stories

    MOBILE, ALABAMA–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography about Alabama football coach Nick Saban, reveals that when Saban was at LSU he was able to successfully recruit superstar quarterback Jamarcus Russell out of Lille B. Williamson High School in Mobile, by reading Jamarcus his favorite bedtime stories before the stellar signal caller retired for the evening.

    “It was a pretty strange situation,” said Burke. “Jamarcus’s high school coach was a fellow named Bobby Parrish, and Bobby was a real Florida State fan. He was trying to steer Jamarcus towards Tallahassee. So he told Bobby Bowden about how much Jamarcus loved to be read bedtime stories, and Bowden just wouldn’t do it. He thought cuddling up in bed to a 6-6, 260 athlete was pretty ghoulish. So Coach Parrish told Coach Saban about this predilection Jamarcus had for being read bedtime stories, and Nick loved doing it!”

    Another factor at the time, was Russell was dating Fats Domino’s granddaughter, and she loved watching Saban read Russell his favorite bedtime stories, which many feel was the major factor for Russell deciding to sign with LSU over Florida State.

    Saban contemplated buying his staff Ashley Madison memberships at LSU

    BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography about Alabama football coach Nick Saban, claims that Saban, while he was at LSU, nearly bought his entire coaching staff memberships in Ashley Madison, an online dating service for people who are married. “It was actually a big mistake,” said Burke. “A salesman from Ashley Madison called Nick at the office and explained that one out of every four married men America belongs to Ashley Madison. And Nick’s immediate reaction was, ’If that’s the case, my guys need to get’em memberships!’

    “Now Nick thought they were talking about Dolly Madison, the bakery that specializes in prepackaged snacks. And Nick asked the salesman if they could provide his guys with some Zingers. The guy said, ‘Of course we can!’ Nick asked how much it would cost for each Zinger! Now Nick was expecting the guy to quote him a price of around a dollar a Zinger. But the guy, not realizing what Nick was referring to, quoted him some four-figure sum and Nick said, ‘The hell with this! We’ll get our Zingers for a fraction of that down at the Baton Rouge Seven Eleven!’ The guy said, ‘Well knock yourself out,’ and hung up the phone!”

    Saban’s LSU staff regularly went disco dancing with Lolo Jones

    BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography about Alabama football coach Nick Saban, reveals that when he was at LSU, Saban and his staff regularly went out disco dancing with Lolo Jones, a track and field all-American for LSU who was training for the Beijing Olympics at the time.

    “Nick really loved getting out of the office every once in awhile, and hitting the discotheques,” said Burke. Burke also claims that Jones, who was known for her exotic beauty as much as her athletic prowess, loved the steady four-on-the-floor beat, which she felt was a great cardiovascular workout which would help her 60-meter dash performance. So although she firmly believed Saban and his assistants were a bunch of dorks, she did not mind disco dancing with them in hopes of furthering her career.

    “Lolo loved funk, soul, pop and salsa and just couldn’t get enough of it,” said Will Muschamp, who was the Tigers’ defensive coordinator at the time.

    “Whenever Donna Summer came on, I thought she was going to wear us out,” said Jimbo Fisher, who was the Tigers’ offensive coordinator at the time.

    “She also loved Chic, Gloria Gaynor, and the Bee Gees,” said Derek Dooley, who was the Tigers’ quarterback coach at the time. “And when The Hustle came on, it was touch and go whether she’d ever leave the lance floor!”

    Saban considered taking first drink after the “Kick Six” game

    TUSCALOOSA–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography of Alabama coach Nick Saban, reports that Saban was so distraught after Alabama was defeated by Auburn in the “Kick Six” game, he ended up his evening in a local bar pondering whether or not he should have his first good, stiff drink.

    “Nick not only had never seen a football game end like that, he never ever heard of a football game ending like that,” said Burke. “So Coach Saban, who never puts much in his body stronger than tomatoes and turkey and iceberg lettuce, found himself on the strip in the Houndstooth Sports Bar with a mixed drink in front of him.”

    “I believe he would have drank it, but something kinda funny happened,” said ESPN’s Paul Finebaum. “The bartender who served Nick immediately recognized him, and he kept saying, ‘Hey Nick, got a second?’ And Nick got all bent out of shape and just walked out of the Houndstooth.  And he hasn’t been back since.”

    Saban once had a selfie taken with Chaz Bono

    HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography of Alabama coach Nick Saban, made have dropped a blockbuster story when he revealed in his book that Saban once took a selfie with Chaz Bono, the only child of entertainers Sonny and Cher. “It was kind of a bizarre deal,” the book quotes Alabama defensive coordinator Kirby Smart as saying. “We were all out in California doing some promotions for the 2013 season. We were eating at this place on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, and the short order cook told Nick that Chaz Bono could run a 3.8 forty. Nick got real excited and said we had to find Chaz while we were out in southern California. So we searched high and low, and found Chaz somewhere in Hollywood!”

    “The coaching staff thought the whole thing was crazy,” said Burke. “Everyone on the coaching staff took one look at Chaz and said, ‘There is no way that chubby little guy can run a 3.8 forty.’ But Nick, who always makes sure no stone is left unturned, got out of the car and had a selfie taken with Chaz, just in case Chaz can really run on 3.8, and in case the Alabama defense ever needs him for bump and run coverage.”

    Saban keeps gigantic pictures of Pippa Middleton’s buttocks in his office

    TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography on Alabama coach Nick Saban,  has disclosed that Saban keeps gigantic pictures of British socialite Pippa Middleton‘s buttocks in his Tuscaloosa office. “I can only assume they are there as some sort of life lesson for his players,” said a former Crimson Tide player. “All I know is they are bigger than the Palace of Westminster.”

    “Nick is certainly entitled to keep pictures of Pippa’s buttocks in his office,” said English  prime minister David Cameron. “But I hope they are being displayed respectfully, as Pippa’s buttocks is really a national treasure in England.”

    Middleton’s buttocks was brought to Saban’s attention when she wore a body-hugging dress at the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, Pippa’s sister.

    Saban wanted Ann Coulter to give the pep talk for the Notre Dame game

    MIAMI, FLORIDA–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography of Alabama football coach Nick Saban, claims that Saban wanted political commentator Ann Coulter to give the Crimson Tide the pre-game pep talk before the Crimson Tide met Notre Dame in the 2013 national championship game, but backed out when Muslim terrorists threatened to boycott Mercedes-Benz cars produced in Tuscaloosa.

    “Ann is a sweet girl, but she is also a controversial figure, and Nick didn’t want the controversy,” said Burke.

    “I had my pep talk all scripted out too,” said Coulter. “I was going to talk to the boys about Bill Clinton’s impeachment and the pivotal role Paula Jones had in the ordeal. I was also going to let the boys know that those left-leaning punks from South Bend must be stopped, or civilization as we know it could be altered.”

    Saban was convinced Katherine Webb was an Auburn spy planted by Gus Malzahn

    TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography of Alabama football coach Nick Saban titled, “Saban: The Making of a Coach” has disclosed that the relationship between Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron and Miss Alabama Katherine Webb, an Auburn graduate,  had Saban extremely paranoid, as Saban was convinced Webb was an Auburn spy planted by Gus Malzahn.

    “Saban was convinced that no guy is so lucky he just has a woman as good looking at Katherine Webb contact him on the internet, so he smelled ‘setup’ right away,” said Burke.

    Burke claimed during film study, Saban would notice opponent tendencies he’d never reveal to McCarron until Saturday morning when he was sure there was no way Webb could extract this information from McCarron during the week.

    “When the rest of the offense was going over everything from reading coverage to adjusting to blitzes, Saban used to send A.J. to the training room to ice his knees,” said Burke. “Saban would go over it with the rest of the offense, but wouldn’t give A.J. the list of progressions till Saturday morning. It made life unbearable!”

    Saban regularly got Faye Resnik front-row tickets for Dolphin games

    MIAMI, FLORIDA–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography on Alabama coach Nick Saban, revealed that Saban, when coaching the Miami Dolphins,  regularly arranged for front-row tickets for Faye Resnick, an American personality who gained national recognition with her involvement at the O.J. Simpson Trial.

    “That was just a mystery to all of us on the staff,” said current Auburn defensive coordinator Will Muschamp, who was on Saban’s staff at the time. “We for the life of us just couldn’t figure out what the connection was between Coach Saban and Faye, but she was always on the front-row, rooting her ever living breast implants off for the Dolphins.”

    “There were several theories that were floated on this one,” said Burke. “The first is that Miami Beach is loaded with the kind of off-the-beaten path people who would resonate with Faye Renick, and Nick wanted to help boost attendance by having Faye seen at the games. The other one is that Faye is a renowned interior decorator, and Saban, who had already been in contact with that painter who knew Mal Moore, knew he was going to Alabama, and was interested in getting his house decorated so he could get a better price for it when he left Miami.”

    Saban’s renowned “Process” was actually designed by Oliva Newton-John in a New Orleans nightclub

    NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography of Alabama football coach Nick Saban, reveals, in an absolutely earth-shattering revelation,  that Saban’s critically-acclaimed “Process” was actually designed by singer/actor Oliva Newton-John in a Bourbon Street nightclub. The resolved conflictprocess is a critically-acclaimed method Saban has achieved success with, the idea being to focus directly on that task at hand, with the belief if you do that, long term goals will take care of themselves.

    “It was an interesting time in both the careers of Nick and Oliva,” said Burke. “Nick had just been fired at Ohio State and was looking for a job. Oliva had just made the movie Grease and was on top of the world. Nick went to Marti Gras for some R&R, and somehow the two hooked up in a place on Bourbon Street. Now, there was nothing immoral about it. But Nick did spend the night socializing and dancing with Oliva. And Oliva kept going over steps she felt an individual needed to be a success. Nick found it enamoring. So he wrote everything Oliva said down on a bar napkin. And he started implementing it. Then, decades later when he started being a successful head coach, he made up this crock about starting to implement ‘The Process” as a little boy in West Virginia. But that was all inaccurate. It was actually Oliva’s idea.”

    “I had no idea it was Oliva’s thinking,” said former Alabama all-American lineman Barrett Jones. “But we all knew it was too complicated and convoluted for Nick to think up.”

    “I think Nick was just too embarrassed to admit to the rest of the coaching fraternity that he got the ideas from Oliva,” said veteran Alabama broadcaster Eli Gold. “So he went out and made it sound as if he invented the answer to some sort of high-level calculus problem or scientific theory to cover the fact it was all a few simple recommendations from Olivia.”

    Saban always watched Tony Soprano videos before renegotiating his contract with Paul Bryant Jr.

    TUSCALOOSA–Forbes writer Monte Burke, in an unauthorized biography of Alabama football coach Nick Saban, reveals that Saban always used to watch videos of Tony Soprano conducting business before he would renegotiate his contracts with Alabama trustee Paul Bryant Jr.

    “Nick loved the way Tony just got down to business, and he tried to emulate his style,” said Burke. “No small talk. Get right to the point. For example, the first time Nick negotiated his contract with Paul Junior, Paul started the conversation by saying, ‘Now my job here…’ and Nick quickly interrupted him and snapped, ‘Your job is to make my job easier!’ Well, that’s a line Tony used during a contract negotiation over a garbage strike in Newark. Another time, Paul complained to Nick about the lack of insight Nick was giving him into his program. And Nick snapped, ‘That’s the arrangement! If you don’t like it, stay home clip coupon, be a happy man.’ Well,  Tony used that to a contract killer who wanted more money. And Nick emulated that line too!”

    Burke said Saban greatly admired the way Soprano managed people, resolved conflict and lead with authority.

    “It’s all stuff he gleaned from Tony,” said Burke. “And there is no question in my mind that by listening to those Tony Soprano films before he went to negotiate with Paul, really helped Nick get a better contract.”





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    September 10th, 2015 | Willie | No Comments |

About The Author

Willie Backer

is an award-winning, veteran writer who has chronicled major news and sports events all across america, and is the author of the brand new book " The Legends Son...and the Ultra-competitive World of Alabama Football.

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