Understanding the power structure at the University of Alabama isn’t like comprehending some complex calculus theorem or absorbing the vast elements of of a converging scientific theory. No Big Bang here! Nor is it like a work of abstract art–where you could stare at it for hours and still not understand it. It’s about this simple: one fellow, Paul Bryant Jr., has been able to wrestle complete control of the place, just like Bobby Lowder once held Auburn in his palm, and has absolute authority to perform tasks without consulting with anyone. Like a Roman dictator whose thumbs up or thumbs down instantly determines everyone’s fate. And he quietly and carefully stays hidden in the background, unlike his famous father, who seemed to bask in Alabama’s outstanding athletic limelight.
But Paul Jr. has been catching flak lately, mainly from some publications which have outlined how control of Crimson Tide athletics is all tied into Bryant’s bank, where everyone from the governor’s son–the vice president of the Bryant Bank–to a number of trustees, have deep affiliations with the bank, allowing Paul Jr. to hijack the board of trustees from the people of Alabama and make Crimson Tide athletics his own private business firm. And somehow things like open records requests and public meetings laws get crushed by the bureaucracy. But rather than get our pitchforks and torches and storm the castle, let’s imagine Paul Bryant Jr. did indeed run the Roman Empire. Here are some stories that might be in our history books today:
Paul Bryant Jr. started his fortune at a Roman Chariot Racing Track in Centro Storico
ROME, ITALY–Bloomberg Business is reporting that wealthy Roman financier Paul Bryant Jr. began his fortune, which now exceeds 18 million Sestertius, by joining Julius Caesar in buying a Roman chariot race track in the Rome suburb of Centro Storico.
“I still recall the festive atmosphere’” said chariot racer trainer Tribonian, who worked at the track. “All the chariot racer trainers used to gather and drink wine, with herb and spices, and gloat about their 20 seconds of entertainment. Then they’d decide which chariot racers were losers. They’d get the dude, stick an oiled wire in his rear end, and a jolt of electricity later and the dude was dead. He was bagged up and thrown in a Roman chariot for the next day’s run to a Roman dump. And Paul and Julius made a fortune doing this!”
Bryant refused to be interviewed by Bloomberg Business, but did point out the Corpus Juris Civilis has no laws on the treatment of Roman chariot racers.
Paul Bryant Jr. hid his profits from tax collectors in a company he bought titled Greene Gladiator Company
ROME, ITALY–The Legal Schnauzer has reported that once Roman financier Paul Bryant Jr. made millions in chariot racing, he consolidated his tax liabilities by purchasing the Greene Gladiator Company, an entertainment company which stages gladiator competitions at the Roman Coliseum, allowing him to hide taxes from the Roman government by pouring profits from the chariot racing company into the gladiator company and sheltering the profits with bewildering tax write offs, all questionable by the Roman Tax Code.
“It appears to me that Mr. Bryant has entered into a contract to shield liabilities from a insolvent chariot racing company to make him appear in better financial condition than he actually is,” said Roman Emperor Augustus Caesar. “And I think the Roman senate should investigate.”
“We are completely innocent,” said Bryant. “The idea that we would intentionally do transactions with insolvent chariot companies just to hide taxes from the Roman Empire is a business plan that is just ludicrous.”
Bear Bryant had a crush on Cleopatra
ROME, ITALY–Howard Cosell has reported on ABC Monday Night Football that Roman Emperor Bear Bryant is so smitten with Egyptian pharaoh Cleopatra, that he may use his influence around the Mediterranean Sea to help her solidify her grip on her kingdom.
“The theater of Monday Night Football is a sacred pulpit from which undistinguished mediocrity will not be tolerated,” said Cosell. “I tell it like it is, and nothing can mitigate the poignancy of the undisputed fact that the Bear, while once the very best at what he does, is now crippled by a petrifying mental and emotional distraction which could permanently erode his power and bring his legacy to a crashing halt!”
“I wish Howard would talk normal, so the common people can understand him,” said Roman military dictator Octavian. “Every time that guy gets on the air I feel like I’m trying to decipher code. But I will say, I do find it strange that the Bear ordered me to station a Roman occupying army in Egypt to protect Cleopatra’s interests.”
Mike Dubose had a fling with Cleopatra
ROME, ITALY–The Legal Schnauzer is reporting that Roman general Mike Dubose has had a fling with Egyptian pharaoh Cleopatra, and has sailed to Alexandria where he is expected to take a payment from Cleopatra in order to fund a hostile takeover of Jerusalem.
In a related story, The Legal Schnauzer is also reporting that Roman military general Octavian has severely criticized Dubose for abandoning a faithful wife he left behind in Rome, in order to be with the “promiscuous queen of Egypt whose manipulative methods and seduction techniques are well documented on hieroglyphics all throughout the Mediterranean.”
“Cleopatra is right on the verge of making Dubose end his alliance with Octavian, and divide the kingdom up among her children,” The Legal Schnauzer is reporting.
“If Cleopatra goes any further, I am going to get an Egyptian cobra and tell him to bite Cleopatra’s ass!” said Octavian.
“Octavian thinks he’s a big timer because he was Julius Caesar’s son, but what most countrymen don’t know, is Octavian was actually adopted,” Dubose told Cecil Hurt of the Tuscaloosa News.
Mark Gottfried interned under Emperor Caligula
ROME, ITALY–The Legal Schnauzer is reporting tonight that Roman general Mark Gottfried did an internship under Roman Emperor Gaius Germanicus, commonly referred to as Caligula.
“Caligula was bad news all right,” wrote Venice blogger Roger Shuler. “I spoke with Seneca the Younger at length about this, and he and several of his comrades all told me that Caligula was an insane, unstable killer. He indulged in irresponsible spending and sex, and not only slept with his lieutenants’ wives, he went about openly bragging about it! He killed for amusement. He had incestuous relationships with his three sisters, and turned the emperor’s palace into a brothel. One time, at the Roman Coliseum, he actually was bored there were no criminals to be prosecuted, so he threw a few innocent countrymen into the lions den to be eaten. Just because he was bored and wanted some action!”
Shuler said he was not certain what Gottfried’s responsibilities were as an intern, but ESPN’s Paul Finebaum said he is certain the problems Gottfired incurred later in his career can be attributed to his exposure to Caligula.
Mike Price attended orgies thrown by Empress Messalina
ROME, ITALY–The Birmingham News is reporting tonight, that the reason Roman emperor Mike Price’s tenure was so short, could be because he regularly attended orgies thrown by Empress Messalina, third wife of Claudius and second cousin to Emperor Caligula, whom history books describe as the most promiscuous woman in the Roman Empire.
“Mike should have known to stay away from that evil woman,” said noted sports columnist Kevin Scarbinsky. “Her accusations of sexual excess were well known all throughout Europe and there was just no upside to Mike attending her orgies.”
In a related sidebar, the paper carries an article written by the Roman poet Juvenal, who claims that Empress Messalina, while married to Claudius, secretly worked nights at a brothel under the name She-Wolf.
“The problems Mike incurred in Pensacola which led to his downfall, can directly be attributed to the influence of Messalina,” wrote ESPN’s Paul Finebaum.
Snake Stabler also attended the festivities
ROME, ITALY–The Legal Schnauzer, a private blog that was recently ordered to pay 3.5 million dollars in a defamation lawsuit, is reporting tonight that Roman countryman Ken “The Snake” Stabler was a frequent guest at the orgies thrown by Empress Messalina, along with Roman emperor Mike Price.
“This is how the Snake learned to read by the light of a jukebox,” the blog reports.
The blog also quotes passages from Juvenal‘s Satire VI, a document of moral misbehavior in the Roman Empire, as indicating Stabler was so infatuated with Messalina’s devious and sexually voracious personality, it caused him to miss several curfews and get suspended indefinitely for spring training by Roman emperor Bear Bryant.
“He was right on the verge of throwing it all away, most definitely,” said Roman poet John Forney, who hosts Emperor Bryant’s TV show.
Joe Namath dumped Suzie Storm so he could date Empress Messalina
ROME, ITALY–The Legal Schnauzer, which has accused wealthy Roman financier Paul Bryant Jr. of filing defamation lawsuits to put a freeze on web-based journalism, is reporting that Roman countryman Joe Willie Namath has broken off his relationship with a “rock’n rock chickie” Suzie Storm, whom Namanth met hanging out with the equestrian class in the nightclubs of Pompeii, so he can date Empress Messalina, widely regarded as the most promiscuous woman in the history of the Roman Empire.
“We have not been able to get this report corroborated by Joe Willie,” said Roman poet Dan Jenkins. “Joe Willie always told me he doesn’t go out with girls so much as he just goes out, and sees if can run into something.”
“The transcendental logistics of this unfathomable act can not be consummately comprehended by the pedestrian Roman countryman,” said Roman poet Howard Cosell. “I tell it like it is, and young Joe Willie has left lovely lassies from Raquel Welch to Barbara Streisand to Ann Margret hanging on the vine, so this would definitely be the epitome of his style. But for the young lad from Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania to make an unbinding commitment to a promiscuous Roman woman whose immoral reputation is documented everywhere from Paris to the Swiss Alps, is completely beyond my comprehension!”
Venice Blogger Roger Shuler mugged by Roman police?
ROME, ITALY–WBRC-TV is reporting that Venice blogger Roger Shuler, a corruption-fighting journalist known to challenge Roman aristocracy through a website title The Legal Schnauzer, has been arrested and beaten by Roman Vigiles, which is Italian for “Watchmen of the City.”
“I don”t know the particulars of the Shuler case, but the responsibilities of the Watchmen of the City are to apprehend thieves and robbers and catch runaway slaves,” said Vigiles chief Alexander Severus. “And every once in awhile the Praetorian Guard, a force of bodyguards used by Roman emperors, asks us to beat the hell out of people who get on the Emperor’s nerves.”
Shuler claims he was merely on his way to the Forum to attend a public meeting and check out statues of great Roman leaders, when a funny thing happened on the way to the Forum: a bunch of vigiles jumped out from behind some bushes and beat the hell out of him.
“The beating appears to have stemmed from my commentary about political, government, sexual and financial intrigues in the Roman Empire,” said Shuler. “Keep in mind, I write stuff about the wheeler dealers playing the system. And that can be dangerous!”
Mike Shula fiddled while the kingdom burned
ROME, ITALY–The History Channel is reporting tonight, the unpopular Roman emperor Mike Shula fiddled for three seasons in which a great fire ravaged Rome, destroying 70 per cent of the kingdom, leaving half the the population homeless.
“Not only did Mike play the fiddle while his people suffered, but he was an ineffective leader in a time of crisis,” said wealthy Roman financier Paul Bryant Jr.
“There is only one problem with Paul’s accusation,” countered Shula. “The fiddle had not even been developed yet, and wouldn’t be developed for another 800 years.”
“Okay, he might not have been fiddling, but he sure wasn’t doing much game planning,” said Bryant. “Armies from Arkansas to Tennessee to Florida to Auburn are just coming right in here and owning us!”
Spartacus relied on Wimp Sanderson for motivation
ROME, ITALY–Roman historian Annaeus Florus told the Roman Touchdown Club today, that Spartacus, a Thracian gladiator who led a slave rebellion, relied heavily on former Alabama basketball coach Wimp Sanderson for motivation and inspiration to become an accomplished military leader.
“Spartacus had that same ‘us-against-the-world’ chip on his shoulder Wimp had, and there is no question he got that ferocious competitiveness from Wimp,” said Florus.
Florus said Spartacus, on Sanderson’s advice, inspired slaves to revolt by convincing them they were oppressed people fighting for dignity and freedom against slave-owning people of wealth and privilege.
“This is exactly how Wimp got his team to the Sweet Sixteen six times at Alabama,” said Florus.
Paul Bryant Jr. renovated the Roman Coliseum
ROME, ITALY–Bloomberg Business is reporting that wealthy Roman financier Paul Bryant Jr. is spearheading a multimillion dollar drive to renovate the Roman Coliseum. (Not be to confused with Coleman Coliseum!)
“It’s hard to explain if you’re not from Rome, but if we don’t have first-rate gladiator competitions and a venue for lions to eat Christians, the whole empire is in a funk,” said Bryant.
Bryant said the renovation will include a $9 million weight room, a hydrotherapy pool, and an anti-gravity treadmill and a 212-seat theater with a multiplex screen.
“We need these facilities to attract the finest gladiators in Europe,” said Bryant. “There is no question in my mind network TV will soon be developed and the contracts they will be handing out will astronomical. So we have to have the best facilities to recruit the best gladiators to make the most money of any empire out there!”
Nick Saban crossed the Rubicon
ROME, ITALY–The Miami Herald is reporting today that Roman emperor Nick Saban uttered the phrase, “Alea Iacta Est” when the crossed the Rubicon River in northeastern Italy on his way to Rome.
“It is what it is,” said Miami owner Wayne Huizenga. “After repeatedly assuring the legions of fans in south Florida that he would not leave to take over the Roman Empire, he’s leaving to take over the Roman Empire.”
“Nick might have had second thoughts at the start,” said Roman financier Paul Bryant Jr. “But when he crossed the Rubicon, he realized there was no turning back now. He had no choice but to face all those treacherous Western Carolinas and Louisiana-Monroes and Tulanes that he will now have to overcome.”
“I didn’t come to praise Mal, I came to bury him!”
ROME, ITALY–The London Times is reporting that former Texas A&M coach Dennis Franchione will play the role of Brutus in the upcoming production of Julius Caesar to be held this summer at the Globe Theater.
“We figured Coach Fran would be a natural for this one,” said theater publicity director Barry Allen. “When Coach Fran was the emperor of Rome, the NCAA put us on probation, giving all gladiators and soldiers the option of transferring. And Coach Fran kept telling them, ‘This is the renowned Roman Empire. You should feel honored to be here! You can’t transfer, you have to hold the rope!’”
But, Allen points out, after reassuring athletic director Mal Moore he was in Rome for the long haul, Coach Fran left at the first opportunity,
“He just stabbed Mal in the back,” said Allen. “I talked to him later about it. And he justified it by saying, ‘I didn’t come to praise Mal, I came to bury him!’ Well, that’s pretty weak logic. So we figured Coach Fran would be the right man for the part of Brutus!”
Cam Newton came across the Alps on elephants
ROME, ITALY–Wealthy Roman financier Paul Bryant Jr. has told the Mediterranean Advertiser the biggest challenge the Roman Empire ever faced in its long illustrious history came from General Cam Newton, a Punic Carthaginian military commander who brought his army across the Alps on Elephants for a surprise attack on Rome from the north, catching the Roman military completely off guard.
“Cam popped up out of nowhere, and Rome just didn’t know how to deal with him,” said Bryant. “He occupied much of the area for over 15 years before our top military minds got rid of him.”
Bryant said the Romans drove Cam out of Italy by playing “Son of a Preacher Man” over the public address system. The song, Bryant conceded, was a direct attempt to mock Cam’s father, a preacher man convicted of trying to sell Cam to the highest bidder.”
Barbarians like Malzahn the Hun threaten the empire
ROME, ITALY–Wealthy Roman financier Paul Bryant Jr., while speaking at the Constantinople Quarterback Club, said the biggest threat to the Roman Empire these days comes not from other nations, but rather from barbaric tribes preying on the outskirts of the kingdom.
“This is something Julius Caesar noticed close to 400 years ago,” said Bryant. “These were bloodthirsty barbarians whose blood loyalty was the basis for all bonds. But Julius did not regard them as a threat because, A) they lived in poverty and had insufficient armor and weapons, B) they were kind of goofballs whose tactics were pretty much limited to a mass charge and C) they were divided into small tribes and had limited political cooperation.”
However, Bryant said times have changed, and the barbarians are now much more advanced.
“This dude to the east who calls himself Malzahn the Hun poses a clear and present danger,” said Bryant. “He is very well organized, his units are mobile, running that zone read offense, and his archers are the best in the world. Plus, he’s so ferocious I half wonder if he might be a descendant of the Great Nimrod.”
Tuberville the Hun devastated the empire
URAL RIVER, RUSSIA–In a prepared statement from the Hunnic Empire, Roman financier Paul Bryant Jr. said the most feared enemy of the Roman Empire was Tuberville the Hun, whose attacks on Constantinople, Roman Gaul and Rome were a source of terror for everyone associated with the empire.
“Tuberville the Hun won six straight confrontations with the Roman Empire, and that is something no one else can claim,” said historian David Housel, who is an authority on such matters.”His wins at Belgrade, Sirmium, Sofia, Plovdiv, Luleburgaz and Sicily is something that shook the Roman Empire to its core.”
“The victories are hard to rate.” said Tuberville the Hun. “Just pick an army and throw it out there. We’ll take it from there.”
Tuberville was criticized by the Constantinople News for smacking the headset off one of his general’s heads during the campaign of Persia.
You’d have to say Alabama really made some chicken salad out of chicken feathers when the Tide pulled Avery Johnson out of a hat–out of nowhere– to be the new basketball coach…and at a time it needed it most! After swinging and missing on attempts to lure several stars in the college coaching galaxy, it appeared Alabama was going to have to settle for some low-profile name about as marketable as a cab driver from Wichita, Kansas. But somehow Avery got in the mix. And he was an attractive hire only in the sense the Sistine Chapel has some pretty good artwork. First off, his 16 years as an NBA player and 8 years as an NBA coach gives him connections all over the landscape of basketball. He knows that AAU circuit–something vital these days–inside out, and a highly effervescent personality make for an incredible promoter. Think of a slot machine with all the jackpot signs lighting up and that was what the press conference to introduce him was like. There might have been a bit of an awkward moment there when Avery kinda mimicked the pilot episode of Star Trek by promising to take the basketball program where no man has gone before, with Wimp Sanderson–six Sweet Sixteens–and C.M. Newton–three straight SEC titles–sitting on the front row. But it was all pretty minor. Now, if Avery wanted to really ruffle some feathers, here’s some issues he could have brought up:
Apologize to Fenis St. John for thinking he was Bill Battle’s shoeshine boy
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA –Newly hired Alabama basketball coach Avery Johnson took a moment at his introductory press conference to apologize to Alabama regent Fenis St. John, whom Johnson originally thought was athletic director Bill Battle’s shoeshine boy.
“When Fenis came with Bill to negotiate with me, the way Fenis was acting, I thought he was just Bill’s shoeshine boy, so I kinda ignored him,” laughed Johnson. “I only found out after the meeting that Fenis is not only a regent, but he is Paul Bryant Jr.’s hit man, the dude who goes around doing stuff like killing UAB football on Paul’s behalf!”
Johnson said now that he is aware of St. John’s capacity in the Alabama solar system, he will work as hard as he can to repair any damaged feelings.
“I don’t need him going to Paul Jr. recommending we drop varsity basketball, Paul’s stupid enough to listen to him,” said Johnson. “So I certainly apologize to Fenis for originally thinking he was Bill’s shoeshine boy, although that’s how he sure acted!”
Demand the Bryant Bank be investigated by the FDIC
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–Avery Johnson, who was introduced as Alabama’s next head basketball coach on Monday, mentioned at his press conference that he feels the Bryant Bank is a corrupt institution that should be immediately investigated by the FDIC, and recommended Alabama residents do their banking business at credible organizations like Wells Fargo or Compass Bank.
“Trust me, that bank is nothing but a front for Paul Bryant Jr. to launder money from that sleazy Greene Group, Inc.,” said Johnson.
“Mark Twain once said ‘A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shinning, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.’ And if that isn’t Paul Bryant Jr. to a tee, I don’t know what is!” said Johnson.
Johnson said he is aware of the influence Bryant has at the University of Alabama. But, in spite of that he added virtually all of the Bryant Bank’s services from “fixed income sales” to “wire transactions” to “daily statements” are pretty rinky dink and bush league.
Openly mock Judge Moore’s position on same-sex marriage
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–Avery Johnson, who was introduced as Alabama’s new head basketball coach yesterday, used his first press conference to publicly mock Judge Roy Moore, the current Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court.
“His stance on gay marriage is just prehistoric,” said Johnson. “I’m not much of a political man, but it would seem to me the highest ranking judge in the state would have something better to do than worry about what gays and lesbians and transgenders are doing behind closed doors on their own time.”
Johnson said he is concerned Judge Moore stance could cause the state of Alabama to be portrayed nationally as a bunch of backwoods hicks who marry their cousins and traffic in moonshine.
“If he thinks gays are the destruction of our society, let’em go deal with street agents, who are selling kids who play basketball for a six-figure sum,” said Johnson.
Appoint Mike Hubbard as assistant coach
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–Newly hired Alabama basketball coach Avery Johnson announced at his press conference on Monday, that he will be bringing in Mike Hubbard, the Speaker of the House for the State of Alabama, as his assistant coach.
“I was very intrigued at the charges filed against Mike for misusing his office for personal gain and for shaking down lobbyists for graft money,” said Johnson. “This gives him plenty of street cred, and these days, you need street cred to be an effective recruiter.”
Johnson said it was the revelation of blockbuster emails portraying Hubbard as an over-the-top white-collar crook which swayed his decision.
“Our recruits will just eat that stuff up!” exclaimed Johnson. “The AAU coaches who coach them will just eat it up! He’ll be a legend on the recruiting trail in less time than it takes to spell David Hobbs!”
Recruit out-of-work actresses from Hollywood to come to Tuscaloosa and work as ball girls
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–Newly-hired Alabama basketball coach Avery Johnson told the press on Monday that one of the first things he plans on doing is using his “big time” connections to find about a dozen out-of-work Hollywood actresses and bring them to Tuscaloosa to be Crimson Tide ball girls.
“Out there in West Hollywood you have thousands of struggling actresses who are incredibly talented and beautiful, but can’t find an agent or casting director, so their careers are going nowhere,” said Johnson. “My plan would be to bring’em to Tuscaloosa, put’em to work as ball girls, giving them a chance to get a demo reel, then they can go back to Hollywood and be the next Julia Roberts.”
“This sounds like a great idea to me,” said former Tide football coach Mike Dubose. “There are few jobs as depressing, demoralizing and humiliating than being a struggling actress.”
“The atmosphere we can put them in here in Tuscaloosa will no doubt be a better quality of life,” said Alabama president Judy Bonner.
Hire V. Stiviano as the basketball administrative assistant
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–Newly hired Alabama basketball coach Avery Johnson has announced that he will be bringing in V. Stiviano, the female companion of former Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling who gained national exposure by secretly recording Sterling’s racist rants, to work as the administrative assistant in the Crimson Tide basketball office.
“V. is going to need a job after a judge ordered her to pay $2.6 million back to Sterling’s wife,” said Johnson. “And this could be a great opportunity for her!”
Johnson feels the national publicity Alabama will get by hiring Stiviano represents a “win-win” situation for the Crimson Tide.
“Let’s face it, this has corruption and impropriety written all over it, which is guaranteed to keep Alabama in the national press,” said Johnson. “You have a secretary who can’t keep her eyes off rich men. You have a basketball program with a reputation for coaches who can’t keep their eyes off pretty women. This is a one-two punch that will generate publicity like Alabama has never done before!”
Commend John Calipari for being the biggest crook in NCAA history
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–Newly hired Alabama basketball coach Avery Johnson started his introductory press conference on Monday by commending Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari for being the biggest crook in the history of NCAA athletics, and vowed to try to be just like him.
“I guess I first became enamored when John left UMass,” said Johnson. “All sort of reports came to light mentioning Marcus Camby and expensive jewelry and high end prostitutes, and I’m thinking to myself, ‘This is Cool! This is my kind of guy!’
“Then he leaves Memphis, and I’m hearing all kind of reports about bogus SAT scores, Derrick Rose, and a one-and-done player good enough to be the number one pick in the NBA draft, and I’m thinking, ‘Awesome!’”
Johnson then said the goal of every college coach is to mirror the success of Calipari, and if that means violating a few of the Ten Commandments, so be it.
“John has gotten the job done at every college he has coached at. And if they all got hit by massive NCAA penalties upon his departure, well, that’s life in the big city,” said Johnson.
Demand health inspectors shut down Dreamland Barbeque
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–Newly-hired Alabama basketball coach Avery Johnson told a press conference on Monday, that the first thing he is going to do once he gets moved to Alabama, is demand health inspectors investigate Dreamland Barbeque, a popular eatery that operates all throughout the state of Alabama, and lobby with the Food and Drug Administration to shut it down.
“I had plateful of their barbeque beef for lunch yesterday, and that stuff is gross,” said Johnson. “I thought I was going to barf on that crap!”
Johnson also claims he saw Dreamland employees putting raw meat in the same prep area as raw vegetables.
“That’s a sanitation violation any cook should be aware of,” said Johnson. “You keep the dishes and utensils for your beef completely separated from the dishes and utensils you use for your raw vegetables.”
Stephen Ostroff, executive of the FDA, said his agency has never received such a complaint about Dreamland Barbeque, but said he will take Johnson’s complaint to heart.
Replace Big Al with a Silverback Gorilla
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–Newly-hired Alabama basketball coach Avery Johnson has announced that his first priority will be to replace Crimson Tide mascot Big Al with a Silverback Gorilla for all Alabama home games.
“I always felt strongly that Big Al is kind of a dork,” said Johnson. “I know Big Al has been around since the days of Bear Bryant, and I know Big Al is revered by many diehard Alabama fans, but they’re gonna have to get used to him not being there, because I don’t want some dopey-looking mammal wondering around Coleman Coliseum while I am trying to coach!”
Johnson said he felt it would be very convenient and affordable for the Alabama athletic department to go to the rain forests of central Africa, capture a Silverback Gorilla, and bring it back to Tuscaloosa.
“”Plus, having a 400-pound ape knuckle walking around Coleman Coliseum will create an element of intimidation like the SEC has never seen!” said Johnson.
Recommend Alabama institute a “paper class” program like the one at North Carolina
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–Newly hired Alabama basketball coach Avery Johnson, took a moment out of his press conference on Monday to commend the University of North Carolina and head coach Roy Williams for running the biggest con ever foisted on the American public since Robert Redford and Paul Newman graced the silver screen as a couple of professional grifters in the caper movie, “The Sting.”
“Ol’ Roy sure knows how to play the game,” laughed Johnson. “For decades we thought Chapel Hill was made up of nothing but great scholars and great citizens who just happen to be great basketball players. Then their academic adviser informs us half those mothers can’t even read on a fourth grade level.
“And this is a tremendous tribute to Ol’ Roy. He understands the role of a good academic adviser is not to put their players in any meaningful courses that could help them in the long run. But rather, to keep them illegible. And that paperless class idea North Carolina came up with, was the best thing to happen to basketball since peach baskets. And we must do the same at Alabama if we want to compete on that level!”
Get up on the podium and do the Harlem Shake
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–The Associated Press is reporting that new Alabama basketball coach Avery Johnson started his press conference on Monday, by getting up on the podium and doing the Harlem Shake, a funky monkey dance that went mainstream in 2001.
“I think it was an incredibly erudite gesture,” said former Tide coach C.M. Newton, who was in attendance at the press conference. “If I had gotten up and done the Harlem Shake at my first press conference in 1968, I’m sure I’d have won many more ballgames.”
“I think it will go a long way in encouraging University of Alabama sororities to integrate,” said university president Judy L. Bonner.
“That’s what I’m hoping,” said Alabama athletic director Bill Battle. “The sororities will see how much fun African Americans have when they cut loose, and they’ll be a mad rush on to rush African American girls into those all-white sororities!”
Mock the young man who turned down 8 Ivy League schools to attend Alabama
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–The New York Times is reporting that newly hired Alabama basketball coach Avery Johnson took a brief moment out from his press conference on Monday to lampoon the young man who has drawn national publicity for turning down all 8 Ivy League schools in order to enroll at Alabama.
“I think this young man must have turnips for brains,” said Johnson. “You look at the opportunities available and there is just no comparison.
“Those Ivy League grads get jobs on Capitol Hill and Wall Street. They make foreign policy and determine the prime interest rate. Our grads get phys ed jobs in places like Vestavia Hills and Vigor High and, if they’re somewhat adequate in math, maybe they can get a job reading meters at the Alabama Power Company. Their grads create companies like Microsoft and Facebook. Our grads couldn’t create a hot dog stand in Livingston!”
Alabama president Judy L. Bonner supports Johnson’s position on this issue.
“I can’t help but to agree, you’d have to have turnips for brains to pick Alabama over a place like Harvard or Yale,” she stated.
Crisis in the Bayou
LSU, like other SEC schools, may be floating in money athletically, making cash hand over fist, but from the standpoint of financing higher education in the state of Louisiana, the red ink has reached the gunwales and this ship is about to capsize. The situation is so dire, Governor Bobby Jindal is looking at a exigency plan–higher education’s version of bankruptcy–to keep the university running. A 1.6 billion budgetary shortfall is the the number being reported. The cutbacks could be mind boggling. This could realistically mean the major state university, with a resounding student body of 30,000 vibrant souls, could become a mere shadow of itself. A renowned college professor told NBC NEWS he has never heard of “anything that drastic having occurred in modern times or perhaps ever.” So does that mean LSU will have to abandon its storied football program and a cherished way of life that has been woven into the Bayou for over a century? NO WAY! LSU will someway come up with the necessary money. And here are some recommendations on how LSU could come up with the capital needed to balance its budget:
Have Billy Cannon show LSU administrators how to produce counterfeit money
BATON ROGUE, LOUISIANA–Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal has told the New York Times that former LSU Heisman Trophy winner Billy Cannon, who served three years at a Texas federal prison for a counterfeiting scheme, has graciously offered to show LSU officials how to make counterfeit money, which can be used to help balance the budget for higher education in Louisiana.
“The feds were able to dig up six million dollars of counterfeit money out of Billy’s backyard, but the way Billy explained it, that was because he made a silly mistake regarding the authenticity of serial numbers,” said Jindal. “Billy has assured us he can show us how not to make the same mistake he did, so we can pull off the scam smoothly.”
“I put too much ammonia in the serial number area, so the feds were able eventually detect it and indict me,” said Cannon. “This is something I have told LSU officials they simply can’t do if they want to put large sums of money into circulation.”
“This is awful kind of Billy to lend his expertise,” said LSU chancellor F. King Alexander. “Our financing problems for higher education may soon be over!”
Set up a Shelley Dufrense kissing booth at Bayou Bengal home games
BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA–State senator Robert Adley of Benton has told the New Orleans Times-Picayune he will propose a revenue raising bill which will call for Louisiana State University to set up a Shelley Dufrense kissing booth at all LSU home football games, which he feels could produce enough money to balance the state’s higher education budget for 2016-17.
“There is no question there is a real fascination for Shelley in this state,” Adley said of Dufrense, a former Destrehan educator. “Any high school teacher who can have orgies with her adolescent students, and pretty much get away with it Scot free, certainly has an aura and appeal the residents of Louisiana are awed by, making her an indispensable commodity that could be a money-making machine for higher education.”
Adley claims a fiscal analysis shows a Shelley Dufrense kissing booth approved by Senate Fiance Committee could provide the state government with close to $300 million in the coming fiscal year. “The House Ways and Means Committee has to seriously consider this when you consider the potential of the revenue-generating ceiling,” said Adley.
Set up a Vance McAllister kissing booth at Bayou Bengal home games
BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA–Kelly McAllister, wife of Louisiana congressman Vance McAlllister, who is called the “Kissing Congressman” because he was caught on camera kissing one of his staffers, has told the Hammond Daily Star that Governor Bobby Jindal has asked the congressman to set up a kissing booth for all LSU home games, with the proceeds going toward saving higher education in Louisiana.
“I’m blessed to have a husband who every woman in the state wants to kiss, and is wiling to use that situation to help fund higher education,” she said.
Baton Rouge political consultant Roy Fletcher said he believes the kissing booth will have an impact on voters.
“It’s clear the opportunity to kiss every woman in the state is a challenge he relishes,” said Fletcher. “And it is important to be perceived by the voters as a man who loves his work.”
U.S. representative Bill Cassidy, of Baton Rouge, said he is glad “the Golden Rule” is being applied here, and that McAllister is simply doing on to others, the way he would want others to do on to him.
McAllister said he learned that quality from the Heritage Foundation.
Create an Edwin W. Edwards School of Political Corruption
BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA–WWL-TV is reporting that groundbreaking has begun on the campus of LSU for the construction of the Edward W. Edwards School of Political Corruption, which will be a three-story, multimillion dollar building with classrooms, lecture halls, offices, study labs, and will have the motto, “Don’t get caught in bed with a live boy or a dead girl!”
“The state of Louisiana is renowned worldwide for political corruption, and no one did it better than Edwin Edwards, and we are honored to name the school after him,” said LSU chancellor F. King Alexander. “The idea will be to attract students from all over the world to learn about things like graft, bribery, extortion, embezzlement, and trading influence.”
LSU feels by drawing students from all corners of the world who want to learn about political corruption from the best, the out of state tuition will help pay for higher education in the state of Louisiana.
“This is cutting edge education,” said Edwards, who served ten years in federal prison for political corruption. “I am honored to have the school named after me, and I may have to bribe someone, but I also intend to be the Dean.”
Rent Mike the Tiger out for bachelorette parties
BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA–LSU president F. King Alexander has told the New Orleans Times-Picayune that he is in the process of putting together paperwork which would allow the school to rent out mascot Mike the Tiger for bachelorette parties held throughout the state of Louisiana.
“This is something the people in Louisiana will go for,” said Alexander. “In other states in the South this would appall the moral majority. But in Louisiana, where the people basically have no morals, this will go over like gangbusters. In a place like Louisiana, it has always been ‘all cards are on the table’ when it comes to creative debauchery. And we feel our citizens will overwhelming support the idea of the mascot from the flagship university performing at bachelorette parties.”
Plus, with LSU facing as much as an 82 per cent cut in state funding, Alexander said the financial benefits of this endeavor can not be overlooked. “Listen, a good dancer at a bachelorette party can make thousands of dollars. So if we schedule Mike for three parties a day, seven days a week, we’re looking at some serious cash. The kind of financial boost that could save our university from bankruptcy.”
Tax scam artists in the French Quarter
NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA–LSU football coach Les Miles had told the Shreveport Times that he will recommend to Governor Bobby Jindal a procedure he believes will resolve Louisiana’s problems with higher education.
“What we need to do, is put a tax on those con artists running scams on Bourbon Street,” said Miles. “There has to be thousands of those bastards down there playing all the tourists for suckers. And if we could get a chunk of their action, we would have no problems saving higher education in Louisiana.”
“Coach Miles in on to something,” said John White, director of the Louisiana Department of Education. “Things like performance bonuses for outstanding academic achievements only leads to corruption. Both the teacher and the students cheat to get a slice of the money. And one thing Louisiana just won’t stand for is corruption.”
“There will have to be an honor system put in place, but knowing the con artists on Bourbon Street, I don’t see that as a problem,” said Jindal. “We’ll just tell them that every day after work they need to come to the Capital building in Baton Rouge, and pay us ten percent of their take for the day. I’m sure they’ll follow throught.”
Schedule a weekly Kesha Concert at the Superdome
NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA–Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal has formally announced that the rap singer Kesha will perform a weekly concert at the Louisiana Superdome, with the proceeds going to a fund to save higher education in the state of Louisiana.
“The idea of the Kesha concert came about after she performed at Toomer’s Corner on the campus of Auburn University,” said Jindal. “We read that the Auburn parents were flat out outraged at Kesha’s profane language, her vulgar gestures, her provocative outfits, her constant references to private parts, as well as sporadically touching her private parts. Well, different strokes for different folks! Here in Louisiana, our residents find all of that stuff cool as hell. So the legislature overwhelming voted to get Kesha performing down here in Louisiana! She’ll sell out every night!”
“There is no question this is the kind of entertainment the people of Louisiana regard as wholesome family fun,” said LSU head football coach Les Miles. “And there is no question in my mind that Kesha can save higher education in our state!”
Check William Jefferson’s freezer on a daily basis
BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA–Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal has told the New Orleans Picayune that one way the state of Louisiana intends to offset the money needed for higher education, is to raid the ice box of former Louisiana representative William Jefferson on a regular basis.
“This is actually a no-brainer,” said Jindal. “The last time Mr. Jefferson’s ice box was raided, it produced around $100,000 he had taken in bribe money, all wrapped in aluminum foil. So logic would dictate, if we raided it every day, we could accrue a phenomenal amount of money in no time! The kind of money that would pull higher education in Louisiana out of the red!”
“I certainly like the logic behind the raids,” said former LSU basketball player Shaquille O’Neal. ‘The beauty of it, is this is money coming from America companies who were trying to get Mr. Jefferson to use his influence so they could do business in Nigeria and Cameroon. Not a cent comes from Louisiana tax payers!”
“I’m all for higher education in Louisiana, and if this helps the cause, I’m all for it,” said Jefferson from his federal jail cell in Beaumont, Texas, where he is serving a 13-year sentence for bribery.
Have David Duke arrange for Les Miles to be the lead singer in the KKK’s symphony orchestra (with all proceeds going to higher education)
MANDEVILLE, LOUISIANA–David Duke, a former gubernatorial candidate and Grand Wizard of the KKK has told the National Association for the Advancement of White People, that he will make a proposal to Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal he feels will resolve the state financial woes in higher education.
“What I plan on doing, is making LSU football coach Les Miles the lead singer in the KKK symphony,” said Duke. “The symphony will play all over the South, and with Les as lead singer, the amounts of cash they’re rake in will go to fund higher education.”
“David’s plan really is a strong business model,” said Jindal. “But there are still some issues that need to be ironed out. For example, David wants History classes to teach that the Middle Passage and Holocaust were figments of someone’s imagination and never happened. And I don’t know how we can do that.”
“I really hope we can get this worked out,” said Miles. “Because I really want to sing. I love rhythm and blues more than the off tackle play!”
Run Honey Badger for Governor
PHOENIX, ARIZONA–Arizona Cardinal defensive back Tyrann Mathieu, known throughout the southeast as “Honey Badger” has announced that he is retiring from the NFL in order to focus on running for governor of Louisiana, using a platform which includes the legalization of marijuana, with profits going to higher education in the state of Louisiana.
“We always knew we could depend on Honey Badger,” LSU president F. King Alexander said of Mathieu, who was thrown off the team in junior year for repeatedly flunking drug tests and was arrested for drug possession.
“I’m looking forward to legalizing medical marijuana,” said Honey Badger. “I don’t want to see another young man put to the humiliation I was. And I the best way we can do that is legalize drugs.”
“I always said Honey Badger was a man of principle who fought for his beliefs,” said Sister Mary Ignatius, principal of St. Augustine High School in New Orleans, where Honey Badger attended and where he first got indicted for illegal narcotics possession.
Have David Vitter moonlight as a movie star
BURBANK, CALIFORNIA–Warner Brothers Studio has announced that Louisiana senator David Vitter will play the role of the major protagonist for the upcoming movie it is producing, titled, “The D.C. Madam” with all proceeds going towards helping higher education in the state of Louisiana.
“We had hundreds of applications from the top actors in Hollywood, including Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise, but we decided to go with David because we felt he would just be perfect for the part,” said Warner Brothers CEO Kevin Tsujhara.
The plot revolves around a Washington, D.C. escort service which caters to the power brokers in the United States government, from ambassadors to senators to vice presidents.
“I’m looking forward to starring in the movie,” said Vitter. “I feel a can really add to the role with my personal experience, and the chance to save higher education in Louisiana is something I feel I owe to my voters in the state of Louisiana.”
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