Why America should use Britt McHenry to negotiate with terrorists
  • When Britt McHenry was playing soccer for the Stetson Hatters, it’s doubtful she could have ever envisioned there would come a time when she’d be caught in a page-one cause celeb that would have everyone from Rush Limbaugh to the Chicago Tribune weighing in on it, and everyone from CNN to Fox News forming panel discussions to dissect it. All involving a towed car, a security camera, and some pathetically profane language. Not to mention the revelation of a vicious, entitled, condescending attitude which was so appalling, that…well, let’s just say if she had done it at a cemetery the dead would have arisen and demanded to be cremated. And it seems no journalist can write about it, without drawing a reference to the movie, “Mean Girls.”

    Then, when ESPN only gave her a one-week suspension–as opposed to firing her–many reacted as if Aaron Hernandez had gotten off with just a few dozen hours of community service. ESPN’s attitude seemed to be, okay, she used poor judgement, okay, she messed up, but it’s not like she sold the Oppenheimer secrets to the Russians or eloped with Edward Snowden! But a bunch of prominent columnists and talk-show hosts quickly wondered if the Earth’s axis was still at a 23.5 tilt, demanding harsher action, and a bevy of online petitions calling for her ouster have surfaced all over the internet. Britt’s attitude clearly speaks for itself, they reasoned! She tormented a defenseless single mother of three, calling her fat, ugly, toothless and ignorant. No place in this society for such insensitivity and downright meanness! So, with that in mind, here are some actions ESPN could have taken to appease those who want Miss Britt eliminated like a malignant tumor:

    1.) Death by firing squad

    BRISTOL, CONNECTICUT–ESPN, a global satellite television network, has announced that it has decided to punish sports reporter Britt McHenry for her outburst at a towing company clerk, by having her put to death by a firing squad at the next board of directors meeting.

    “We just have to make a strong statement that Britt’s conduct was unacceptable and we do not in any way condone it,” said ESPN president John Skipper. “And we felt this was a fair punishment for the transgression involved.”

    “When I said, ‘F–k it,’ right on the air, I was made to apologize, and I certainly accepted my punishment,” said ESPN football analysis Lee Corso. “Britt is just going to have to suck it up and accept the consequences.”

    “I think the punishment is fair,” said McHenry. “When I was studying at Northwestern, I once read where Benito Mussolini was put to death by firing squad. So if he can do it, I can do it!”

    2.) Death by guillotine

    BRISTOL, CONNECTICUT–ESPN, a sports-related programming company, has announced that it has decided to punish sports reporter Britt McHenry for her excessive cruelty to a towing company employee, by having her put to death by guillotine on the first “Game Day” show of the 2015 football season.

    “This is a punishment that hasn’t been used since the French Revolution, but we need to show up-an-comers at places like Northwestern and Syracuse that you will be held accountable for your actions,” said Robert Iger, CEO of  the Walt Disney Company, of which ESPN is a subsidiary. “And we couldn’t just let Britt walk into an office and abuse the employees and get away with it.”

    “When I used to go around the office groping the female employees, I was given a three-month suspension and I certainly accepted it,” said ESPN play-by-play announcer Mike Tirico. “So Britt is going to have to accept her punishment.”

    “I think the punishment is fair,” said McHenry. “When I was getting my masters at Northwestern, I once read that Marie Antoinette was put to death by guillotine. And if she can do it, I can do it!”

    3.) Life sentence at maximum security prison

    NEW YORK, NEW YORK–The New York Post is reporting that ESPN sideline reporter Britt McHenry will be punished for her belittling treatment of a tow company clerk by serving a life sentence at ADX Florence, an American federal supermax prison in Colorado.

    “We felt this was actually the best of bad options,” said ESPN Vice President for Programming Norby Williamson. “We had to do something to protect our image as a company focused on family entertainment, and this seemed ideal to all parties involved.”

    “When I used to go around the office showing the female employees pictures of my penis on a cell phone, I was given a week suspension, and I certainly accepted my punishment,” said ESPN football analysis Sean Salisbury. “ESPN just won’t tolerate employees who don’t act with class.”

    “I think the punishment is fair,” said McHenry. “Plus, I’ll be meeting people like Ted Kaczyski, the Unibomber, and Terry Nichols, the Oklahoma City bombing mastermind. So it should be interesting!”

    4.) Wear a scarlet letter

    HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA–TMZ is reporting that the sports network ESPN has decided to penalize sports reporter Britt McHenry for her cruel remarks to a tow truck company parking lot attendant, by making her stand on a scaffold, which the ESPN company is flying in from Orlando ASAP, for three hours, while wearing a scarlet letter “B” on her chest.

    “This is one of the more unusual decisions I have ever heard about in network television,” said Harvey Levin of TMZ. “Before ESPN televises the Wisconsin-Alabama game this fall, they will cut to the ESPN parking lot for three hours, and employees will demand that Britt explain her actions, while standing on that scaffold which Disney engineers are currently erecting.”

    “This is actually going to be an interesting experiment,” said ESPN president John Skipper. “We think we might actually draw a larger viewer audience than we do for ACC football games.”

    McHenry didn’t comment on the network’s decision, other than to say she does not plan to appeal.

    5.) 4,291 hours of community service

    NEW YORK, NEW YORK–The CBS Evening News has reported that ESPN will discipline sideline reporter Britt McHenry for her cold-blooded treatment of a towing company employee, by making her perform 4,291 hours of community service in the Hartford County area of Connecticut.

    “We hope this will be a real learning experience for Britt,” said ESPN president John Skipper. “What we plan on doing is having her install a bunch of drywall, as well as painting the outside walls of public buildings.”

    “ESPN’s decision is a real godsend for the city of Hartford,” said mayor Pedro E. Segarra. “Because God knows the outside of public buildings in this city could sure use a facelift!”

    “It reminds me a little of when I got up at a celebrity roast and said, ‘F–k Notre Dame! F–k Touchdown Jesus!’ I knew ESPN had no choice but to suspend me for a week, and I just sucked it up and did my penalty, and that’s what Britt will have to do” said former ESPN host Dana Jacobson.

    “I think the punishment is fair” said McHenry. “And there is actually a lot I can learn about the installation of drywall.”

    6.) Head on a silver platter

    7.) 15th Century Torture Rack

    BRISTOL, CONNECTICUT–The Washington Post is reporting, that former Washington sports reporter and current ESPN reporter Britt McHenry will be penalized by ESPN by being placed on a torture rack at a dungeon just outside London.

    “Right from the start, we felt torture was a fair punishment for the way Britt treated that poor woman in the towing company office,” said ESPN president John Skipper. “The problem was, we were having trouble locating a torture rack that could really ratchet up the pressure and stretch the bones and ligaments to produce the kind of excruciating pain torture racks are known for. We checked with all the Ivy League schools in the area, and they didn’t have one. We checked with Gino Auriemma over at UConn, and he didn’t have one. The closest one we could find was at a Medieval museum over in England. So next week we will fly Britt over, along with Rece Davis, who has agreed to inflict the pain.”

    “The punishment is brutal, but I’m not going to say it’s unfair,” said McHenry. “When I was a student at Northwestern, all us girls went out and saw the movie ‘Braveheart’ one night. And I recall William Wallace was put in a torture rack. And if he can survive it, so can I!”

    8.) Water boarded at Guantanamo Bay

    BRISTOL, CONNECTICUT–The Honorable Ray Mabus, Secretary of the Navy, has told the New York Times, that the sports programming network ESPN has filed a request with the Pentagon to have Guantanamo Bay Naval Base in Cuba utilized to waterboard ESPN sideline reporter Britt McHenry, who was recently caught on tape being horrifically rude to an attendant of a towing company.

    “This is a highly unusual request,” said Mabus. “But we are looking into dates when ESPN can use our facility, and like all American companies, we have every intention of accommodating them.”

    “We have decided that waterboarding Britt may be the only way to get her to understand, when you are a highly-visible figure like an ESPN personality, you just be on your best behavior at all times,” said ESPN president John Skipper.

    “Waterboarding can cause extreme pain, lung damage, and lasting psychological damage, but I think I can handle it,” said McHenry. “When I was studying at Northwestern, I once read where George Bush waterboarded a bunch of those Al-Qaeda dorks, and they got through it!”

    9.) Kiss Dick Vitale in public

    BRISTOL, CONNECTICUT–The attorney for ESPN sideline reporter Britt McHenry has expressed outrage at a decision the sports network has made in regards to disciplining his client for her rude treatment of a tow company cashier.

    “They actually want her, as her punishment, to get up and kiss Dick Vitale in public!” the attorney said in a prepared statement. “This is the absolute epitome of ‘cruel and unusual punishment!’ It’s outlawed in the Constitution! We plan to fight this right to the Supreme Court! We plan on reporting it to the Hague Court in the Netherlands for crimes against humanity!”

    “We figure this will teach Britt a good lesson,” said ESPN president John Skipper. “Dick has been on the air for close to four decades, so all of America knows what a gross little goofball he is. And Britt has to learn you can’t insult tow company employees and we think this is a good way to get our point across.”

    “I am fighting this punishment to the bitter end,” said McHenry. “I could take being water boarded and facing a firing squad. But this is outrageous!”

    What did the tow company employee say to Britt?

    In fairness to Britt, the tow company she was dealing with has about as much credibility as Tiger Woods at a celibacy convention. They’re been given the lowest possible rating by the Better Business Bureau and a Washington D.C. TV station recently profiled them as having twice as many complaints as all other D.C. towing companies combined. (Although, to be fair to Advanced Towing, who gives a tow company a positive rating? That would be about like asking death row inmates to rate the prosecutors who put them there.) Plus…we only heard Britt’s remarks on the tape. What about the other person in the conversation? What she said was edited out, and the tow company refuses to make the entire tape available . So, did the tow company employee say some things to provoke Britt? And if so, what could she have possibly have said to cause Britt to go completely Regina George? Perhaps we’ll never know for sure, but here are some educated guesses:

    “The guys at Advanced Towing don’t think you can hold Erin Andrews’ jockstrap!”

    ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA–MSNBC is reporting that its investigations into the Britt McHenry matter show the tow company employee acted completely unprofessional and out of line the moment McHenry walked into the office.

    “We spoke with sources who told us, the second Britt walked through the door, the girl behind the desk screamed at her, ‘You know, the guys here at Advanced Towing don’t think you can hold Erin Andrews‘ jockstrap!’” said MSNBC anchor Joe Scarborough. “And it all unraveled from there.”

    “And who wants to hear that kind of nonsense?” asked MSNBC’s Alex Whitt. “Britt probably got picked up by some debonaire guy at the restaurant, left her car in the parking lot while she spent the night at this dude’s pad, and the next thing she realizes she has to go down to the tow company to get her car. All she wanted to do is get her car and leave, but then she gets hit with an insult like that as she walks in the door. I believe I might have come a little unglued if someone said that to me!”

    “Is Lou Holtz really as dopey as he acts?”

    BRISTOL, CONNECTICUT–Walt Disney Company CEO Robert Iger held a press conference this morning to announce he is backing ESPN reporter Britt McHenry all the way in her altercation with an Arlington, Virginia towing company employee.

    “From the start, we were quite suspicious of the tape that was released,” said Iger. “It only showed what Britt was saying. It didn’t show what the attendant was sayings.”

    And Iger said his investigation revealed the attendant said something totally deplorable to McHenry.

    “As Britt was paying her bill, the girl actually looks up at her and giggles, ‘Is Lou Holtz really as dopey as he acts?’ Well that was totally uncalled for! I’ll admit, Lou does act kind of dopey and that lisp he talks with exasperates the situation even more, but this woman had no right saying this. And when Britt heard it, she felt compelled to defend one of her colleagues at the World Wide Leader in Sports, and when she did, she ends up looking like a fool on social media!”

    Holtz commented on the matter, but unfortunately no one could understand what he was saying, as he sounded like he was gargling with molten lava.

    “The doctors who did your cosmetic surgery must have been watching the Simpsons while they were supposed to be operating on your face!”

    ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA–Brad Hamm, the dean of the Medill School of Journalism at Northwestern University, vehemently defended former Northwestern student Britt McHenry, while speaking at a luncheon of the Oak Brook Lions Club. McHenry, currently a reporter for ESPN, was caught on video belittling the clerk of a Virginia towing company, but Hamm said there is much more to the story.

    “Britt was just paying her fine, trying to get her car back, and this woman behind the counter kept staring at her,” said Hamm. “That made Britt uncomfortable enough, but then the woman finally says, ‘The doctors who did your cosmetic surgery must have been watching the Simpson while they were supposed to be operating on your face!’”

    And Hamm says that what triggered a violent reaction from McHenry. “Who wouldn’t get insulted by that?” he asked. “The Simpsons have been a vital part of Britt’s life ever since she was a youngster. Homer and Bart and Marge are something dear to her heart. Britt never missed an episode. She especially loved the one where Lisa went to Rio de Janeiro and discovered the streets were filthy and rampant with crime.  And to have some dim-witted clerk, first, accuse Britt of having failed cosmetic surgery, then, blame it on the Simpsons, is something totally unacceptable in America today!”

    “Jay Gruden was right! You are a doofus!”

    ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA–WJLA-TV in Washington, D.C. is reporting tonight, that the reason ESPN reporter Britt McHenry went ballistic at a towing company clerk is because she was badly provoked.

    “The woman noticed Britt was not happy about getting her car towed, so she started chanting, ‘Jay Gruden was right! You are a doofus,’” said Micheal Wilbon, who, like McHenry, is a graduate of Northwestern.

    “Britt got into it with Gruden last football season,” continued Wilbon. “Britt had her side, Jay had his. It did cause some friction, but both handled it well. But that’s now all water under the bridge. And for this woman to bring it up at a time when Britt was just trying to pay her fine, get her car, and go home, is a complete lack of professionalism.”

    “I have no ill will toward Britt McHenry, but I’m kinda glad they got Britt on tape acting like a moron,” said Gruden. “She makes up this science fiction about the team disrespecting Robert Griffin, then gets mad at me when I tried to explain the truth to her. She’s as reckless as Skip Bayless, if that is possible!”

    “Roses are red, violets are blue! If I had ESPN’s makeup artists, I’d look just like you!”

    BRISTOL, CONNECTICUT–ESPN sideline reporter Britt McHenry, while making an appearance on NBC’s Meet The Press this weekend, justified her actions against a tow company clerk which she termed fat, ugly and stupid.

    “When I was writing my check, this woman kept chanting, ‘Roses are red, violets are blue! If I had ESPN’s makeup artists, I’d look just like you!’” said McHenry.

    “Well, that’s a pretty low blow,” she continued. “I mean, I’m not going to say this girl was fat, but trust me, if you stuck her and Roseanne Barr in the same room, you wouldn’t be able to tell one from the other. I’m not going to say this woman was ugly, but trust me, if she won’t be on the cover of Maxim Magazine any time soon. I’m not going to say this woman was dumb, but let’s face it, the cashier at a towing company can’t have the same education level as someone who has a master’s degree from Northwestern. And for her to intimate the only difference between me and her is my makeup artist at ESPN, well, that’s and insult I just couldn’t handle!”

    And that, said McHenry, is why she treated the tow company employee so inferior.

    “I read the book ‘ESPN: The Uncensored History.’ I wouldn’t work in a scumbag place like that!”

    BRISTOL, CONNECTICUT–The Los Angeles Times is reporting newly minted information on the recent altercation between ESPN reporter Britt McHenry and a towing company cashier. The paper interviewed ESPN personality Chris Berman, who personally spoke to McHenry, and claims, “Britt was just inquiring about her car in the lot, and the attendant behind the desk recognized her and said, ‘You know, I read the book ‘ESPN: The Uncensored History.’ I wouldn’t work in a scumbag place like that!’ And that hit a nerve with Britt! She went off on this woman!”

    “Basically, I can’t blame Britt for being so upset,” said ESPN’s Dick Vitale. “The book was all about the drug use and alcohol abuse and sexual escapades around the office at ESPN. But that was well before Britt joined the company! She wasn’t part of that whole shebang, baby!”

    “If someone accused you of working at a place that is just one big drunken orgy, wouldn’t you be upset?” asked ESPN football analysis Lee Corso.

    “It would make my skin crawl even being at a place with so many creeps!”

    NEW YORK, NEW YORK–Conservative commentator Bill O’Reilly, using his position as the host of the Fox News program, “The Factor,” heavily editorialized on behalf of embattled ESPN sportscaster Britt McHenry, whom was just recently suspended for a week.

    “The woman Britt got into it with was totally out of line,” said O’Reilly. “Our reporting shows that the woman behind the counter mentioned Corso, she mentioned Vitale, she mentioned Kiper, and then she said, ‘It would make my skin crawl even being at a place with so many creeps!’

    “Well what was Britt supposed to do? So she went off on the woman! But this woman has to understand, and hopefully she won’t learn the hard way, is that people on TV are genetically superior to those who are not. There is a reason we are on TV. We are more intelligent, better educated and better looking than all those pinheads out there working as clerks. And Britt had every right to get that point across!”

    “Ines Sainz ought to be picking avocados for a living!

    NEW YORK, NEW YORK–ESPN sportscaster Britt McHenry, in an exclusive interview with the ABC news program “20/20,” shed some light on her recent meltdown in the office of an Arlington, Virgina towing company.

    “I just mildly walked in, started getting my driver’s license out so I could identify myself, and the woman sitting behind the counter went into an unprovoked attack,” said McHenry. “She clearly recognized me for being on TV and said, ‘Oh, you’re one of those TV airheads! Well, I watched the World Cup last summer, and let me tell you, that Ines Sainz ought to be picking avocados for a living!”

    “And when the clerk said that, Britt just lost it,” said ESPN President John Skipper. “Britt always looked up to Ines as a role model in the sports journalism business, and it hurt her so much she lashed out.”

    “When I was at the Medill School of Journalism at Northwestern, I read about Inez and admired her,” added McHenry. “The way she always stood in those male locker rooms while men ogled her took so much courage. And I couldn’t stand back and let some tow company clerk belittle Ines!”

    “Did you really refer to your fellow students at Medill as ‘Medilldos?’”

    CHICAGO, ILLINOIS–The Daily Northwestern, the college paper for the Northwestern University, is reporting today that the reason ESPN reporter Britt McHenry, an alum of Northwestern, became upset and was rude with a towing company employee last week, is because the woman asked her, “Did you really refer to your fellow students at Medill as Medilldos?”

    “That was a story published by Deadspin.com using anonymous sources,” wrote the Daily Northwestern. “And it really upset Britt and sent her over the top. She loved her fellow students at the  Medill College of Journalism here at Northwestern, regarded them as salt of the earth. And they, in turn, thought Britt was a movie star. They figured she’d end up on the silver screen someday. So when this woman asked Britt that question, she really came unglued!”

    “I can see why Britt was so upset,” said ESPN president John Skipper. “If I went into that place (Advanced Towing) and the clerk started giving me grief about the paperless scandal at my alma mater, North Carolina, I’d tell her to stick it too!”

    “Couldn’t Chris Berman come up with a better pickup line than, ‘You’re with me Leather?’”

    ARLINGTON, VIRGINA–John Skipper, president of sports cable company ESPN, told the New York Times today that he is furious with the towing attendant who ESPN sideline reporter Britt McHenry recently had an altercation with.

    “The national press got it all wrong,” said Skipper. “This woman was the one at fault. As soon as Britt walked in the office, this woman starts laughing and snickers, ‘Couldn’t Chris Berman come up with a better pickup line than, ‘You’re with me Leather.’

    “This stems from an incident that allegedly happened in Scottsdale, Arizona at baseball training camp. Chris and the crew were out carousing the bars, Chris allegedly saw a woman in leather clothing  he wanted to pick up, and he allegedly just walked up to her said, ‘You’re with me Leather!’

    “Well, this tow company clerk was just mocking Chris, and it’s sad. At ESPN we have some of the most creative people in the professional market. None of them would ever use a sophomoric line like, ‘You’re with me Leather!’ So Britt had reason to be furious at this clerk!”

    “I wholeheartedly agree! exclaimed ESPN’s John Saunders. “In all the years I have known Chris, I have never heard him use one sophomoric line when trying to pick up women!”

    “Do you feel good about your job? Having to work at a place that treats Johnny Manziel as if he’s John Wayne?”

    ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA–Skip Bayless, an ESPN television personality, has told the Boston Globe the entire ESPN company is furious at the towing clerk who got in an altercation with ESPN reporter Britt McHenry.

    “What our investigation showed, is that this woman took an incredibly cheap shot at Britt, which you didn’t see on the edited tape,” said Bayless. “What she did, was as Britt was paying her bill, the woman makes this snide remark, ‘Do you feel good about your job? Having to work at a place that treats Johnny Manziel as if he’s John Wayne?’”

    Bayless said this hit a nerve with all ESPN employees, who are sick and tired of hearing how the network plays up to Johnny Manziel, and Tim Tebow and the SEC, just because those entities make Disney money hand over fist. “Our job is to give credit where credit is due,” said Bayless. “We do not show favoritism to anyone! And for this woman to shove it down Britt’s throat, and claim we kiss Johnny Manziel’s backside for financial benefit, is just coldblooded! Not wonder Britt went off on her!”

    “I’m in a trailer, and you’re on f–king television, honey!”

    ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA–Yahoo News is reporting that Walt Disney Company  president Robert Iger is highly upset with some belittling remarks made by a Arlington, Virginia Towing company employee to ESPN reporter Britt McHenry.

    “What this woman did is just unforgivable,” said Iger, whose company owns ESPN. “As Britt was walking out the door, she actually said, ‘I’m in a trailer, and you’re on f–king television, honey!’ And that was so cruel!

    “Britt put herself through grad school with the hopes that she might someday get to work in a trailer. But just because she has not achieved her goal yet, does not make her less of a person than that fortunate woman who is working in a trailer.

    “Britt is young, give her time. There is no question in my mind that after years of practical working experience, she’ll eventually rise up and make that more up the trailer. But until then, it’s uncalled for to make fun of her!”

    The Resuscitation of Britt’s Image

    Regardless of what comments the tow employee may have made at Britt, Britt’s remarks plainly speak for themselves; and they’re not pretty, and they’ll be in cyberspace forever. She clearly went all-in, at the wrong time, with a bad hand. She came across, temperamentally any way,  as someone who ought to be negotiating with terrorists as opposed to working in wholesome entertainment. So how does ESPN repair Britt’s Jezebel image? That vivacious, bubbly, wholesome Olivia Newton-John image she had when the camera was on her, has clearly been dented but….The Walt Disney Company uniquely qualified to resurrect negative images because it is so diversified and has so many jobs under its umbrella they could use to overhaul Britt’s negative imagine. So, with that in mind, here are some jobs the Disney Corporation could reassign Britt to for a few months, and have her image restored almost over night:

    1.) Greeter at Walt Disney World

    ORLANDO, FLORIDA–CEO Robert Iger of the Walt Disney Company, owner of the sports programming network ESPN, has announced that ESPN reporter Britt McHenry will be reassigned within the company for the next 18 months, and her responsibilities will include being a greeter to tourists as they arrive at Walt Disney World.

    “Britt had kind of a meltdown and really teed off on this tow company clerk,” said Iger. “It sent an image which is the polar opposite of the family-oriented image we want to project. But this reassignment should head her in the direction she needs to go!”

    Iger said he spent months combing over the company’s 85 billion dollar operation, which employs hundreds of thousands of people, to come up with the job perfectly suited for McHenry.

    “A Disney World greeter has to paint a smile on her face even if her mother just died, and act like a real people person,” said Iger. “And we figure a year and a half of this, and Britt’s nice girl image will be back in place and she’ll be ready to cover the NFL again for the World Wide Leader in Sports!”

    2.) Main role in the remake of “Mary Poppins”

    BURBANK, CALIFORNIA–The board of directors at the Walt Disney Company have announced they have budgeted 98 million dollars into a project to remake the movie “Mary Poppins.” The board also announced that ESPN sportscaster Britt McHenry will play the lead in the movie.

    “This is a great ploy by Disney to cast Britt as Mary,” said film critic Rex Reed. “Mary Poppins is one of the most beloved characters in the history of American cinema. And placing Britt as the kind and gentile Mary, will go a long way in helping her restore her image, and get her career at ESPN back on track.”

    Disney also said, to make the movie more realistic and in step with the times, Bert may be portrayed as in individual with a substance abuse problem due to working all kinds of jobs from a chimney sweep to a one-man band,  the Dawes Mousley Grubbs Fidelity Fiduciary Bank of London may be involved in a savings and loan scandal which threatens to send Mr. Banks to prison, and Uncle Albert may be portrayed as an individual who has been in and out of mental institutions due to his eccentric behavior.

    But Disney said McHenry will be cast in the same light Julie Andrews was.

    3.) Kirstie Alley’s chaperon at EPCOT

    ORLANDO, FLORIDA–John Skipper, president of the sports cable giant ESPN, has told the New York Daily News that ESPN sports reporter Britt McHenry will be transferred ASAP to another division of the Walt Disney Company, and work as a chaperon at EPCOT Theme Park, the fifth most-visited theme park in the world last year.

    “What we are going to have her do, is be Kirstie Alley‘s chaperon, and there is a reason for this,” said Skipper. “Of all the mean, cruel rotten comments Britt made at that towing company clerk, it was her parting shot as she walked out the door which stood out. She told the woman to lose some weight. Well, there are millions of obese viewers out there who were very offended by this. And what we hope to do, is have Britt, smiling and perky, showing Kirstie, a portly person,  all around EPCOT.

    “This will show the viewers that Britt does not have any personal dislike for fat people, and improve her nice-girl image substantially in the 18-38 demographic viewing block.”

    4.) Snow White at the Magic Kingdom

    ORLANDO, FLORIDA–The San Francisco Chronicle is reporting that disgraced ESPN sportscaster Britt McHenry, who was caught on camera cold bloodily dogging a tow company attendant, will spend the next year in the Magic Kingdom working as the Snow White character.

    “It’s a pure public relations move,” said an inside source, who agreed to talk only under terms of anonymity. “Now we both know being a princess at the Magic Kingdom is no big deal, good gosh the job only pays $13 an hour, but most of America is not aware of that. Most of America figures these are the finest young ladies in the country, and are paid as such. And because of that, we will stick Britt in as Show White, whose outward reputation is snow white, so it will improve her image and she can go back to work at ESPN. Britt will have to learn the lines from the movie, sing and dance as well as pose for pictures. It ought to be a real growing experience for her!”

    5.) Make appearances on The Muppet Show

    BURBANK, CALIFORNIA–Ron Logan, the head of the Walt Disney Company’s entertainment division, has told Good Morning America that ESPN sports reporter Britt Henry will make 18 appearances on The Muppet Show during the 2015 and 2016 seasons.

    The Muppet Show is owned by ITC, which is a subsidiary of the Walt Disney Company, which also owns ESPN.

    “She’ll be doing a lot of fun-loving slapstick and humorous parodies which the Muppets are known for, which should go a long way in placing the image in the mind’s of American TV viewers that she is really a nice person, not that condescending witch cursing out a tow company employee,” said Logan.

    “In an especially poignant scene, Britt will convince Oscar the Grouch to leave his trash can and go work for a towing company,” said Logan. “The moral of the story will be, just because you work for a towing company does not make you less of a person than a highly-visible network sportscaster.”

    6.) Sushi cook at Shanghai Disney Resort

    PUDONG, SHANGHAI–Cy Leung, the chief executive administrator for the city of Hong Kong, has announced he has cleared paperwork which would allow ESPN sports reporter Britt McHenry to immigrate to mainland China to work as a sushi cook at Shanghi Disney Resort, a theme park which is being built on mainland China.

    “My understanding Britt walked into tow company and did something we in China would say make her a shirker, a violator of China’s ancient code of honor,” said Leung. “But upon arrival in Far East she will be given ancient book of Itanae, which will tell her importance of everything from making rice to opening shellfish to respect and devotion to clients.

    “She will learn to tell ancient Chinese stories, which cook required to do. This will help her image here and abroad. And after a year or two of refining image, the plan is to send her back to America to work as a network sportscaster again!”

    7.) Chris Christie’s tour guide at “It’s A Small World!”

    ORLANDO, FLORIDA–Walt Disney Company CEO Bob Iger has told Time Magazine that embattled ESPN sports reporter Britt McHenry will be reassigned within the company, her first assignment to be New Jersey governor Chris Chrsitie‘s tour guide at “It’s a Small World,” which is a water-based ride in the Fantasyland area of Walt Disney Theme Parks.

    “This ride is one of the most popular features in our company, with its emphasis on international unity and world peace,” said Iger. “And for Britt to be working there to start with, demonstrates a conscientious effort on her part to attack her cantankerous image left in the towing company office.

    “And then to be Governor Christie’s tour guide is an added plus. The main things Britt did in that towing company office is attack that clerk for being fat and stupid. So Britt needs to show some kindness towards people who are fat and stupid. And Chris is clearly overweight, and I’m going to assume he is pretty stupid for his public affinity for the Dallas Cowboys, which are hated by Jersey voters in the north, who are Giants fans, and hated Jersey voters in the south, who are Eagles fans!”

    8.) Starring role in the remake of “Pollyanna”

    BURBANK, CALIFORNIA–The Huffington Post is reporting the Walt Disney company plans to allocate close to 100 million dollars this fall to the remake of a Disney classic, “Pollyanna.”

    “We are going to cast ESPN sportscaster Britt McHenry in the role of Pollyanna,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger. “This all has to do with that crap Britt got into when she cursed out a tow company employee in Washington, and the damn thing got all over the internet. We need to remake Britt’s image. And Pollyanna is so loved by so many, hell, we could get Nancy Grace to play the part and it would still go over like gangbusters!”

    Iger added the new version of the movie will have some twists. Among other things, young Pollyanna plays the “Glad Game” with tow company employees who have to deal with megalomaniac women sportscasters who think they are better than everyone else. And the ending this time, will include Pollyanna getting a personal injury lawyer to sue Aunt Polly due to the fall from the attic, much to the delight of the Harrington townspeople, who always regarded Aunt Polly as a real turd who controlled their lives with her excessive wealth.

    EPILOGUE

    The most amusing part of all of this is listening to those who think the bodacious display of  downright cruelty by Britt will somehow end her career. What? If this were American politics or public education it probably would. But in entertainment, this is literally manna from heaven. She’s generated as much internet traffic as any celebrity wardrobe malfunction ever did, and every TV and radio network has acted as if her boorish blowup is on par with national security stories. As NBC’s Alex Flanagan astutely pointed out in a very riveting article, what essentially has happened here, is a young woman who was virtually unknown, is now a household name. Her Q-rating and name recognition have taken such an enormous spike,  TV producers will literally be lining up to offer her work.

    This could catapult her to her own TV talk show. It wouldn’t shock me if she ended up hitting in the same league as an Ellen DeGeneres or Tyra Banks. From here on out, she’ll probably ride in stretch limos, fly in Lear jets and frequent nothing but luxury hotels while traveling the globe meeting with world leaders and Fortune 500 CEO’s, while the paparazzi breathlessly shadows her every more. Yessiree podnah, if Britt McHenry hasn’t sent a belated Thank You note to Advanced Towing by now, I’ll bet it’s on her bucket list!





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    April 23rd, 2015 | Willie | No Comments |

About The Author

Willie Backer

is an award-winning, veteran writer who has chronicled major news and sports events all across america, and is the author of the brand new book " The Legends Son...and the Ultra-competitive World of Alabama Football.

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