If Brian Williams were an SEC Fan!
  • Maybe perhaps because I have been in the journalism business my entire career, I am finding this Brian Williams fiasco much more amusing than despicable. Because I know the TV news biz, and I know TV news executives have always promoted the idea of celebrity newsmen “being” the news, as opposed to “covering” the news, for quite some time. It’s just a convenient way of promoting your product, selling advertising for it and making money.

    I’ll always recall being in Lubbock in the late seventies when undefeated Texas Tech was playing undefeated Houston for the Southwest Conference championship. Yet that wasn’t the big story around town. The big story was the rumor that Keith Jackson and the ABC crew was going to be there to broadcast the game nationally. I’ll always recall the defending NFL champion Dallas Cowboys opening game with the Baltimore Colts in the late seventies. The big story wasn’t that Dallas had Super Bowl potential again, the big story was that Dandy Don, and Howard and Frank and the Monday Night Football team were going to be at the game. I’ll always recall being at Auburn in the mid nineties. The Tigers were undefeated and ranked number one nationally, but the drama of the hour suddenly became that Dick Vitale and the ESPN crew were going to be on hand. And this goes right down to the local level. If a local TV sportscaster is going to be on hand to MC a local high school’s pep rally, the fact that a local TV personality is going to be present totally exceeds the event itself. TV execs have been asking their viewers to take a Rorschach test in sunglasses for years!

    So if you want to know why Brian Williams would say he was in a Chinook helicopter hit by RPG fire when he wasn’t, why he would say he flew into Baghdad with SEAL Team Six members when he didn’t, why he would say he met the Pope when he hadn’t, why he would say he saw dead bodies floating by during Hurricane Katrina when he couldn’t have, why he would say he was at the Berlin Wall as it fell when he wasn’t….well, it’s all because the executives he worked for in the celebrity-driven journalism biz he works in, wholeheartedly wanted him to appear a hell of a lot more interesting than he actually was. And he knew it, and he played along with the gag. He just got caught going too far.

    Still, the humorists are getting in their licks. Texas residents are wholeheartedly thanking Brian for his assistance in defending the Alamo. (see enclosure!) Civil Rights activists are expressing gratitude towards Brian for helping Dr. King lead protesters across the Edmund Pettus Bridge in Selma. (See enclosure!) But imagine if Brian covered the SEC over the years? Here are some of the stories he could have reported, embellished and fabricated to his viewers on the NBC network:

    Brian Williams covered the wrestling match between Paul Bryant and the carnival bear

    NEW YORK, NEW YORK–NBC Nightly News anchorman Brian Williams, while appearing on the David Letterman Show, said the news story he covered which will always stand out to him the most, was when he observed a 13-year old Paul Bryant wrestle a captive bear during a carnival promotion in Fordyce, Arkansas.

    “It was at the old Lyric Theater in town,” recalled Williams. “Paul and a few of his childhood friends snuck in the place, and when then guy who was supposed to wrestle the bear didn’t show up, the  promoter offered anyone in the audience a dollar for every minute he could wrestle the bear. Well Paul was out to impress an older red-headed girl who worked in the theater named Drucilla Smith. So he agreed to do it!”

    Williams claimed Bryant more than held his own. “He immediately pinned the bear and held him down. By the time the bear worked his way free, Paul had a nice payday coming to him. But the promoter skipped town and never paid Paul! I felt bad for Paul. And as I’ve said for years, the only thing Paul got out of it was a nickname!”

    Brian Williams officiated the wrestling match between Paul Bryant and the carnival bear

    FAIRFIELD, CONNECTICUT–NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams, while speaking to a group of liberal arts students at Fairfield University, said the most preposterous situation he was ever in as a journalist, was when he was asked to referee the wrestling match between Paul Bryant and a captive circus bear, at the Lyric Theater in Fordyce, Arkansas.

    “I was actually on hand just to cover the story,” said Williams. “Our management at 30 Rock got word Paul was going to wrestle the bear, so they sent me and a news crew out of cover it. But Buster Garlington, who owned the hardware store the theater was located in, asked me to referee the contest. I agreed to do so, but immediately wished I hadn’t!

    “The muzzle around the bear’s mouth slipped off, and 13-year old Paul suddenly had to deal with that bear’s sharp teeth! It was the scariest moment of my career except for the time Katyusha rockets passed just beneath the helicopter I was in when I flew into Israel to cover the war with Hezbollah!”

    Brian Williams talked Bear Bryant into hiring Sarah Patterson as gymnastics coach

    SLIPPERY ROCK, PENNSYLVANIA–NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams, while speaking to the Slippery Rock faculty, said he is the one who talked former Alabama athletic director Paul “Bear” Bryant into hiring Sarah Patterson as the Tide’s gymnastics coach.

    “I felt it was a no-brainer” said Williams, pointing out that Patterson is a graduate of Slippery Rock College.

    “I told the Bear how well he made out the last time he went to western Pennsylvania in recruiting Joe Willie Namath. And Sarah is from the same stock of hard-working, blue-collar people as Joe Willie. So it would only be a natural to bring Sarah down to Tuscaloosa to coach the girl’s gymnastics team.”

    Williams said Patterson had concerns that the Deep South might still be mad at Yankees for the treatment they got at the Appomattox Courthouse.

    “I told Sarah not to even worry about it, it was as non-issue an issue as the time I said I watched the Berlin Wall fall, when I hadn’t,” said Williams.

    Patterson posted on her webpage, that she can not recall Brian Williams having anything to do with her employment at Alabama.

    Brian Williams officiated Barbara and Vince Dooley’s wedding ceremony

    ATHENS, GEORGIA–NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams, while speaking at the Athens Rotary Club, said that his most pleasant moment in the state of Georgia, was when he officiated the wedding ceremony of former Georgia football coach Vince Dooley and his wife Barbara.

    “I was honored they asked me,” said Williams. “Vince and Barbara are one of the most beloved couples in the Southeast. Their personal stories have always been colorful, witty and heart tugging. Some sound too corny to be true. Like the time I was at the Vatican and the Pope asked me what color underwear my wife wears. But they are a heartwarming couple!”

    Williams said at the time of the ceremony, he had no idea Vince would go on to coach the Bulldogs for 25 seasons, facing off against coaches and opponents like Bear Bryant, Steve Spurrier, Joe Namath, Archie Manning, or Snake Stabler. “Or that he would coach one of the greatest running backs of all time, Herschel Walker. Or that their popularity would someday help their son to become the head coach of Tennessee, even though there son was about as qualified to coach a football team as I am to pilot a Chinook helicopter!”

    Brian Williams helped Cam Newton count his under-the-table money

    NEW YORK, NEW YORK–NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams, while appearing on the David Letterman Show, said he knows exactly how much money under the table Cam Newton was paid by Auburn, because he helped Newton count the money.

    “I was in Alabama to cover the controversy on same-sex marriage,” said Williams. “And Cam got a hold of me and said he had a business proposition to talk about. He explained how Mississippi State and Auburn were in a bidding war for his services, and he wanted to know what advice I could give him to help drive up his asking price.

    “I explained to Cam that people like Nick Saban and Gene Chizik were making seven figure salaries as head coaches. That people like Gus Malzahn and John Chavis were making close to a million as coordinators. And there was no reason he, the star of the show, shouldn’t get a fair slice of the pie. Now the figure most think of is $180,000. But Cam got much more than that. I know because I helped him count it. But out of respect to Cam, I’m not going to release the figure.”

    Brian Williams helped Bo Jackson count his under-the-table money

    WASHINGTON, D.C.–NBC Nightly News Anchor Brian Williams, while speaking to the the Board of Governors at the Federal Reserve, said the largest pile of cash he ever saw in his life, was the amount hauled off by Bo Jackson when he agree to sign a letter of intent to play football and baseball for Auburn University.

    “I’m not going to get into a dollar amount,” Williams told Chairman Janet Yellen. “But let me just say, it’s a good thing Bo is a big, strong guy, or else we’d have needed a Brinks Truck to get all that money from the athletic complex over to his dorm room.”

    Williams claimed Jackson was concerned that if Lionel “Little Train” James ever fell in the pile, he’d suffocate.

    “I am not aware of Bo keeping a humongous pile of money in his dorm room,” Auburn regent James Rane of Abbeville told Williams. “But I am proud of Bo for being concerned about the safety of one of his fellow students. Student safety is of utmost concern to us on the Auburn Board of Trustees.”

    Brian Williams taught Charles Barkley how to be a credible broadcaster

    ATLANTA, GEORGIA–NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams told the Atlanta Chamber of Commerce today, that he feels his assistance has helped former Auburn basketball player Charles Barkley tremendously in terms of being an effective broadcaster.

    “What I told Charles, is that viewers are basically a bunch of gullible fools, so if you tell them something, chances are they are going to believe it,” said Williams. “So what I encouraged him to do, is fabricate and get opinionated. That’s a sure way to draw a following.”

    Williams pointed at himself as a case example, claiming half the things he reports are embellished. “And what I explained to Charles, is if he started throwing out his opinions on the Ferguson riots, or the George Zimmerman court case, or the immigration reform bills before Congress, people are going to look at his NBA record, and figure he knows what he’s talking about!”

    Brian Williams celebrated with C.M. Newton every time he won an SEC championship

    TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–Brian Williams, anchor of the NBC Nightly News, told the Tuscaloosa Chamber of Commerce that he very much enjoys coming to Tuscaloosa, and he has been doing so since the mid-seventies, when he used to fly into town each time former Alabama coach C.M. Newton won an SEC basketball championship.

    “Those were some scary times,” said Williams. “That was when the KKK was very much in control of the state government, so any plane flying in from the north knew it was subject to a rocket attack at any time. But I was willing to brave the ground fire because of the tremendous respect I had for Coach Newton.”

    “It was always good to see Brian,” said Newton. “I first met him when I was playing for Coach Rupp at Kentucky. And he always followed my coaching career. The fact that he would risk rocket fire to coming to Alabama to celebrate SEC championships with me shows what a loyal friend he is!”

    Brian Williams helped Eric Ramsey record incriminating evidence against Auburn coaches

    FAIRFIELD, CONNECTICUT–NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams, while speaking to a group of journalism students at Fairfield University, said that he helped former Auburn football player Eric Ramsey make those incriminating tapes with Auburn assistant coaches.

    “Eric called me at 30 Rock one day and told me he had a problem,” said Williams. “He said he had coaches giving him illegal under-the-table payments all the time, and he wanted to record it for history, but he didn’t know where to find the appropriate recording equipment.

    “I told him NBC had great recording equipment and I’d be glad to help him out. So between stints that I covered the Persian Gulf War, I took some time to fly from Kuwait, where I was heavily involved with Operation Desert Storm, to the loveliest village on the plains, where I got involved in Operation Let’s Screw The Auburn Coaches!”

    Brian Williams helped create Gatorade

    GAINSVILLE, FLORIDA–NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams, while speaking to the University of Florida liberal arts department, explained that he was instrumental in the development of Gatorade.

    “I was in the South covering the Civil Rights Movement, and in those days, before the Internet, you could really tell some tall tales and no one had any way of check up on you,” said Williams. “And every time I told one of my tall tales, I put so much effort into it, I found myself physically drained.

    “So I went to some professors at the U of F School of Medicine, and recommended we make a soft drink that would contain sodium, sugar, potassium and phosphate, so each time I exerted my body telling one of my BS stories, the soft drink would replace the fluids I lost exerting myself storytelling, and I could still operate productively.”

    “I’m glad it helped Brian recuperate from all the storytelling he did,” said Florida quarterback Steve Spurrier. “Because it sure didn’t help us win any football games. We drank it, and that stuff was gross. I used to barf all the time whenever I drank it. I mean it was nasty stuff. Billy goats couldn’t handle it! But did it help us be a better second half football team? I just can’t say. But if it enhanced Brian, if it helped him tell better stories, that’s great!”

    Brian Williams was hanging out with Joe Namath, the night Joe Willie got suspended

    NEW YORK, NEW YORK–NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams, while appearing on the David Letterman Show, said he was out carousing and drinking with former Alabama quarterback Joe Namath the night Namath was suspended by Bear Bryant for breaking team rules.

    “I liked hanging out with Joe Willie,” said Williams. “He was a real chick magnate, and my strategy was to hit on his leftovers, so I found myself making many trips to Tuscaloosa.

    “It was a very unfair situation. Joe was recognized, and someone told Coach Bryant. And when Coach Bryant called Joe in about it, Joe admitted his involvement. But what he wasn’t saying, is there were 20 other Alabama players out there partying, blatantly breaking curfew. And Joe refused to tell on them.”

    Brian Williams started in the same backfield as Johnny Majors at Tennessee

    KNOXVILLE, TENNESSEE–NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams, speaking to the Knoxville Rotary Club, said one of his greatest memories of Knoxville was playing in the single-wing backfield with Johnny Majors.

    “Johnny was a heck of a football player,” said Williams. “He was one of the best triple-threat players I ever played with. I recall many a time we were up against Alabama or Georgia, and Johnny would get in the huddle and say to us, ‘Just get out of my way boys, I’m gonna cram this football up their ass!”

    Williams said one of the true injustices of college athletics was when Majors lost out to Paul Horning for the Heisman Trophy. “There was no question in my mind who the best player in college football was. It was Johnny in a runaway. The fact that he wasn’t selected shows what a bunch of liberal flakes the media was, even back then!”

    Williams feels that because Horning played for Notre Dame, and because Notre Dame got national exposure by virtue of having its games played on the NBC Network, Majors lost out.

    “Years later when I went to work for NBC, I told them how they were misleading the public with all this positive publicity for Notre Dame!”

    Brian Williams taught Pete Maravich how to dribble

    BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA–NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams told the business professors at LSU this morning, that he was the one who taught Pete Maravich how to dribble a basketball and how amazed he is the current LSU arena is named after Maravich.

    “Pete was just a little tyke in western Pennsylvania when I met him,” said Williams. “I was in town to do a story with Andrew Carnegie about his union-busting tactics.

    Pappa Press was conducing one of his clinics. Pete was off to the side making a real jackass out of himself, being very disruptive. So, to give Pete something to do, I showed him how to dribble a basketball. And he seemed to like it.

    “I didn’t see Pete again till his sophomore year at LSU. He started in their opener against Southeastern Louisiana. He goes out there and scores 50 points, hands out 14 assists and grabs 11 rebounds. Right then and there I knew I had created a legend!

    “And when you consider the guy went on to average 44 points a game the rest of his career, well…that’s the kind of story that me, Walt Disney and Ellen DeGeneres combined couldn’t make up!”

    Brian Williams refereed Auburn games during the 1957 national championship season

    NEW YORK, NEW YORK–NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams told David Letterman that the most fun he ever had in athletics, was when he refereed several of Auburn’s football games during the 1957 championship season.

    “I was actually getting ready to go over to Moscow, to cover the launching of Sputnik for NBC News,” said Williams. “But I noticed the New York Times was running an add looking for college football refs. So I sent in my resume, and even though I never called a football game in my life, I got a call and offered a job.”

    Williams said he has fond memories of that 1957 season. “Guys like Red Phillips, and Jerry Wilson, and Jackie Burkett, those were a swell bunch of fellows,” said Williams. “They were a very classy group of men. You could throw a flag on them for anything from holding to clipping to unsportsmanlike conduct, and they’d never say a word!”

    Brian Williams sat behind the Kentucky bench during the historical game against Texas Western

    EL PASO, TEXAS –NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams, while talking to the Border Angels, a humanitarian organization which provides food, water and clothing to illegal immigrants, said one of the real highlights of his career was sitting right behind he Kentucky bench when the Wildcats and legendary coach Adolph Rupp lost to Texas Western in the NCAA finals.

    “Adolph was furious,” said Williams. “I’ll always recall, each time Texas Western would score, Coach Rupp was on the bench muttering, ‘They can do everything with a basketball but sign it!’

    “At one point in the evening, Coach Rupp turned to me and asked me what a honky was? Apparently, every time David Lattin dunked on Pat Riley he would say, ‘Take that you honky!’ Pat asked Coach Rupp what a honky was. Coach Rupp asked me. And I just didn’t have the heart to tell him!”

    Brian Williams did the Shug Jordan voice-over at the Lovelace Athletic Museum

    BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA–NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams told the Birmingham Quarterback Club today that he is in fact the person who did the voice-over for the Shug Jordan animated character at the Lovelace Athletic Museum.

    “I happened to be in Alabama years ago, helping Dr. King escort protesters across the Edmund Pettus Bridge, and I ran into (former Auburn athletic director) David Housel,” said Williams. “Now, I had no idea what David was doing in Selma at the time, but he mentioned to me that he needed a voice-over talent for a Shug Jordan character at the Auburn Museum. He said the needed someone who could talk in an old country bumpkin dialect because that, essentially, is how Coach Jordan talked. He asked me if I knew of any broadcaster with the capabilities of doing this.

    “I said ‘David, if I can lie about taking rocket fire in a helicopter and seeing dead bodies in New Orleans, I can sure pull off a country bumpkin accent!’ So he took me to the WSFA recording studios in Montgomery, and I read the lines David told me to read. Picked up some nice extra cash too!”

    Brian Williams helped out with sorority rush at Ole Miss

    OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI–NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams, in town to do a story on renowned American author William Faulkner, told a group of regional journalists gathered at Faulkner’s mansion, that he actually makes a point of coming to Oxford every year.

    “I love helping out with sorority rush at Ole Miss,” said Williams. “To see these young ladies go away from home, and come to such a prestigious campus has to be the thrill of a lifetime for them!

    “So I try to assist in this regard by directing them to the sororities I feel would best suit their needs for the next four years.”  Williams said he makes it quite clear to the young women that they have to have their priorities in line. “School work and family always needs to come first,” he said. “I know the temptation is great to drink alcohol, meet some fine-feathered chap and go back to his dorm room and get down with him, but that stuff all needs to come after the appropriate schoolwork is completed, and work towards a degree is done. College is for education, not alcohol and parties!”

    Brian Williams helped out with fraternity rush at Vanderbilt

    NASHVILLE, TN–NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams, told the audience at the Grand Ole Opry, that he comes to Nashville once a year to help out with fraternity rush at Vanderbilt.

    “What people don’t understand, is these young men going off to Vanderbilt are very well equipped to study math and science, because that was what their focus was in high school,” said Williams. “But they are not exactly social butterflies. Their social skills have not been developed yet.

    “This is where I come in handy at fraternity rush. I teach them how to exert their confidence by not being afraid to make up some stories about their social life in high school. I explain to these young men, that I don’t like tooting my horn any more than they next guy, but life is this simple: if you don’t toot your own horn there won’t be any music!”

    Brian Williams negotiated Terry Bowden’s contracts at Auburn

    AUBURN, ALABAMA–NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams, while having breakfast with the Breakfast Club at Chappy’s Restaurant, said that he was the one who negotiated Terry Bowden’s contracts at Auburn.

    “The problem was Terry was coming from a little, bitty college in Birmingham,” said Williams. “And he had no idea how to get in there and negotiate with a real business tycoon like Bobby Lowder. But this is where I came in handy. I had all sorts of experience negotiating with every kind of tycoon from Howard Hughes to Donald Trump to Warren Buffett to Ted Turner.

    “So I was able to get in there and negotiate Terry a much better deal than he would have gotten himself. I really charmed Bobby by telling him about some stories I had done with great bankers like J.P. Morgan and Nathan Rothschild. Bobby always wanted to be just like them. So I told him how he could do it.

    “Maybe that’s why Colonial Bank went belly up!”

    Williams added that he advised Bowden to not take any financial advice from his brother Steve.

    “I only met the guy one time, but I could tell he was a bigger storyteller than me!” said Williams.

    Brian Williams nicknamed LSU’s “Chinese Bandits”

    FAIRFIELD, CONNETICUT–NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams, while speaking to a group of journalism majors at Fairfield University, said that he is the one who thought of the nickname “The Chinese Bandits” for the defense of LSU’s 1958 national championship team.

    “I was in southern Louisiana to cover Hurricane Katrina,” recalled Williams. “Coach Paul Dietzel and I were having dinner in the French Quarter, when a dead body floated by. I pointed to the corpse and I said to coach, ‘That looks like something the Chinese Bandits would do!’ And Coach Dietzel loved that name. He said to me, ‘Brian, I think that is what I am going to nickname my LSU defense!’

    “And that’s how the nickname came about! There have been reports over the years of Coach Dietzel coming up with the nickname by reading the comic strip Terry and the Pirates. But that’s all a bunch of horsehockey. The nickname actually came about that night when Coach Dietzel and I were having dinner in the French Quarter and dead bodies kept floating by.”

    Williams said he also met Heisman Trophy winner Billy Cannon after dinner, but that he wasn’t nearly as thrilled to meet Cannon as he was the time he met the Pope.

    Brian Williams taught Wimp Sanderson’s secretary how to take shorthand

    HUNTSVILLE, ALABAMA–NBC Nigthly News anchor Brian Williams, while talking to the Huntsville Touchdown Club, said he always felt bad that former Alabama basketball coach Wimp Sanderson had an altercation with his secretary, because Williams said he is indirectly responsible.

    “I was in the South to cover the Civil War (see enclosure), and while there, I taught Wimp’s secretary how to take shorthand,” recalled Williams. “But apparently I didn’t teach her enough abbreviated symbols. And one day he was dictating her a letter to Digger Phelps. And she wasn’t taking it down quick enough, and Wimp started getting furious. Finally, he let her have it!

    “There have been reports over the years of it being a sexual matter, but that was as false my reports of me being at the Berlin Wall the day it crashed to the ground. It was all about a complaint Wimp wanted to make to Digger about all the cheating Digger was saying went on in college basketball. Wimp wanted to voice his complaints in a letter to Digger, and when his secretary, whom I trained, wasn’t taking dictation fast enough, Wimp just leveled her!”

    Brian Williams dated Pat Summit back when she was Pat Head

    KNOXVILLE, TENNESSEE– NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams, while talking to the faculty of the engineering department at the University of  Tennessee, said this is the first time he’s been back in the central Tennessee area since that summer many moons ago when he dated former Tennessee woman’s coach Pat Summit, back when she was Pat Head.

    “It was many years ago, so my memory may be a little foggy on this. But I believe I was in Tennessee to do a story on the Tennessee Valley Authority, created by FDR to provide electricity generation and fertilizer manufacturing as part of his New Deal program to get us out of the Great Depression.

    “Pat was just a wide-eyed, small-town girl from Henrietta. And I recall she was very impressed when, as part of my job at NBC, I was able to take her to exotic places like Paris and Venice and Rio de Janeiro and Hong Kong.”

    Brain Williams helped Dale Brown overcome stage fright

    MINOT, NORTH DAKOTA–NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams, while speaking at graduation at St. Leo’s High School, alma mater of former LSU basketball coach Dale Brown, said he is the one who helped Brown overcome stage freight, and eventually go on to be one of the biggest critics of the NCAA, claiming the organization had no regard for human dignity.

    “I was in Minot to do a story on the air force base, which had one of the country’s largest supplies of nuclear missiles,” said Williams. “I met Dale when he was a high school coach at Bishop Ryan High. He was moonlighting at the air base, trying to learn nuclear launch codes in case we ever got into a nuclear war with the old Soviet Union. And I’m telling you, he was quiet as a church mouse!

    “That’s when I took him aside and started telling him about the art of storytelling. This totally enraptured young Dale for some reason or another, and he went on to be one of the best motivators of college athletes the NCAA has ever known.”

    Brian Williams and Coach Bryant went after, and captured, the Abominable Snowman

    NEW YORK, NEW YORK–NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams, while appearing on the David Letterman Show, said that the most satisfying moment of his journalism career came when he and former Alabama football coach Paul “Bear” Bryant traveled to the Himalaya Mountains and captured the Abominable Snowman, a mysterious ape-like cryptid believed to be a genetic match to a prehistoric polar-bear-like creature that existed more than 40,000 years ago.

    “I was in Tuscaloosa, celebrating with C.M. Newton another SEC basketball championship, when on a lark, Coach Bryant said to me, ‘Hey Bri, let’s go capture the Abominable Snowman.’

    “Needless to say, I thought he was kidding, but next thing I know, Coach Bryant is calling up H.E. Drummond to get his private plane, and fly to Nepal. And the next thing I know we are slithering through the rough terrain of the Himalayan region looking for the Abominable Snowman. And the next thing I know Coach Bryant has the rascal cornered, holding him at gunpoint.

    “There was really nothing dramatic about it.  Through his Sherpa guide, Coach Bryant explained to the Abominable Snowman that he’s had it too good for too long, and that his long run terrifying Tibetans was over.”

    Williams said he and Coach Bryant put the Abominable Snowman on Drummond’s plane, took him to the Ritz-Carlton in New Orleans, and stowed him away for safekeeping.

    Brian Williams and Aubie the Tiger apprehended Bonnie and Clyde

    NEW YORK, NEW YORK–NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams told David Letterman than the most fun he ever had in the broadcasting business was the time he and Aubie the Tiger, the official mascot for Auburn University, went down to Louisiana and apprehended Bonnie and Clyde, Great Depression-era outlaws who are responsible for over a hundred felonies, robbing banks, small stores and rural gas stations.

    “I was down in Alabama covering the Scottsboro Boys Trial, when Aubie approached me with a copy of the Huntsville Times which alarmed him,” said Williams. “There, right beneath Phillip Marshall’s column, was an article about Bonnie and Clyde making their way through the Mississippi/Louisiana area. Aubie feared his buddies Mike the Tiger (LSU) and Colonel Reb (Ole Miss) might be in trouble, so he asked me to join him in hunting down Bonine and Clyde.

    “Aubie and I jumped in my old Ford Model Y, headed to Louisiana, and cornered Bonnie in Clyde at a farm store off a rural road in Bienville Parish, Louisiana. We convinced them to turn themselves into Frank Hammer and take responsibility for their crimes which, to the best of my knowledge, they did.”

    Brian Williams Reports Crimson Cabaret Member Mooned Judge Roy Moore

    CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS–NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams has written an essay in the Harvard Law Review, claiming the funniest thing he ever witnessed in his news career, was observing a member of the Crimson Cabaret, a dance team that performs at University of Alabama athletic events, moon Chief Justice Roy Moore of the Alabama Supreme Court, right in his Montgomery courtroom.

    “I can’t recall the specifics, and would have probably forgotten them anyway because this thing was so ridiculously funny,” began Williams, “but it seems it had something to do with the ACLU and the Ten Commandments and a state’s right to punish gays. And this girl, I believe, was on hand to testify for the ACLU. And when she didn’t know all ten of the Ten Commandments, Judge Moore made a condescending remark at her. So this ol’ gal just turned around, pulled up her dress, bent over, and mooned the judge right in front of the whole courtroom. It was the funniest goddamn thing I ever saw!”

    However, Alabama athletic director Bill Battle said he is unaware of any member of the Crimson Cabaret who has ever testified in Judge Moore’s courtroom. And a spokesman for the Alabama Supreme Court said records show no members of the Crimson Cabaret have ever been on the Supreme Court docket.

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    February 18th, 2015 | Willie | No Comments |

About The Author

Willie Backer

is an award-winning, veteran writer who has chronicled major news and sports events all across america, and is the author of the brand new book " The Legends Son...and the Ultra-competitive World of Alabama Football.

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