One Mississippi…Two Mississippi…
You’d just about have to go back to the days Elvis Presley appeared gyrating his hips on the Ed Sullivan Show to find an instance where a citizen from Mississippi caused the kind of national uproar some folks from Mississippi created last weekend. And of course, even as Elvis brought the state positive national attention throughout his iconic career, Mississippi still had to endure comments like, “Elvis was born in Mississippi and even he got out of there as fast as he could!” Or, “What has four eyes but still can’t see? Mississippi!” Or, “Did you hear the governor’s mansion in Mississippi burned down? Almost took out the whole trailer park!”
That rube image of the state was cemented. Of course, after the number one and number six teams fell in Mississippi last week, it’s kind of tough to laugh at Mississippi too hard days, although some people are still trying. Up until the Bama game, some of the so called experts were saying maybe Ole Miss coach Hugh Freeze was is holding a Royal Flush. Maybe he’s bluffing. But someone has to call his hand. The Tide did and came away with one of the few loses coach Nick Saban has ever endured in the first half of the season.
And this wonderful radioactive waste that has encroached the uncertain landscape of college football this year shows the state of Mississippi just mirrors a college football season that seems to have everything that addicts us to sports: drama, intrigue, controversy, spirited comeback, etc. Strange unexpected things happen when teams meet face to face on a football field, as opposed to an odds maker’s imagination or computer software. People like Oregon lose to Arizona. People like Ohio State lose to Virginia Tech. People like USC lost to Boston College. Now, some other definitive things we need to get straight:
1.) Hugh is a coach! Even if you never saw “The Blind Side,” how could you not be impressed with the class, decency and humility Ole Miss coach Hugh has demonstrated throughout his career? In the interviews after the Alabama win–fighting back tears–he talked about how happy he was his staff and players got rewarded for their hard work, completely leaving out what a great coaching job he has done. America needs to get used to Hugh, because he is a coach. He’ll continue to make an indelible mark, and right now he could belly up to the bar with any of the so-called greats.
2) Stark Vegas may be a condescending nickname for Starkville but…until someone beats State, they’re still undefeated. Up until now Dan Mullen is probably best known for screwing up the Cam negotiations but it’s been a long time since Mississippi State was undefeated the second week of October. Critics are amusingly claiming all he has done is beat a couple of overrated A&M and LSU teams, that the party’s over and he’ll have to pay the fiddler when Auburn arrives on Saturday because he’s about to see a force he’s never encountered, which is correct. Those striking Auburn coeds in their orange sweaters and blouses are a sight to behold.
3) All cards are on the table! At the start of the year, many assumed the national championship game would come down to Florida State and the winner of the Iron Bowl again, but all sorts of bizarre scenarios could play out. For starters, Florida State needs to keep its quarterback out of trouble, which is proving a full-time endeavor. He got suspended for the Clemson game for a transgression the entire Free World knows about. Then, in another amusing twist, still showed up on the sidelines suited up and had to be admonished by his coach and told to get his uniform off. But keeping him on the sidelines was the most prudent thing FSU could do. Had they not done this, here are some headlines we could be looking at:
“Jameis Seen at Girls Dorms”
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA–The New York Times is reporting that Florida State football coach Jimbo Fisher ordered suspended quarterback Jameis Winston to dress for the Clemson game, and be right there with the rest of the team, for fear Winston might spend the evening loitering through the girls’ dorms on campus.
“Jimbo wanted to nip this one in the bud,” said New York Times editor Jill Abramson. “He is well aware of the kind of accusations women have made about Winston in the past, and our sources tell us he wasn’t about to jeopardize the rest of Winston’s illegibility by letting him spend the night walking through girls’ dorms. There was just too much of a possibility he would get noticed and someone would make one of those silly accusations against him.”
“Jill certainly know what she is talking about, her sources are solid,” said Florida State athletic director Stan Wilcox. “And by the way, we here in Tallahassee admire the way the New York Times treats women, and want to emulate them.”
“Jameis Shoplifting in Convenience Stories”
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA–Paul Finebaum of ESPN stated this morning on his radio show that the reason Florida State coach Jimbo Fisher kept suspended quarterback Jameis Winston on the sidelines, even though he was supposed to be suspended, is that he feared Winston might spend the evening shoplifting at local convenience stores.
“You look at all they offer at some of these convenience stores on the candy aisles from milk chocolate covered peanuts to chocolate gold nuggets to dark green M&M’s to power popper popsicles, and it would be a great temptation for anyone,” said Fisher. “And we know Jameis is only human. So in order to keep him from shoplifting goodies, we decided he would stand right next to us on the sidelines for the Clemson game so we can keep an eye on him, and so Dabo (Sweeney) can tell his grandchildren he was once on the field with Jameis.”
“Petty larceny does carry a 60-day jail sentence, so this could have affected Winston’s eligibility,” said Tallahassee chief of police Micheal DeLeo. “So some good proactive thinking by Jimbu sure came in handy.”
“Jameis Goes Crab Fishing”
HYDE COUNTY, NORTH CAROLINA–The Charlotte Observer is reporting tonight that Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston had a trip planned to Lake Mattamuskeet where he was planning on an extensive crab fishing outing, but was told by Seminole Coach Jimbo Fisher he had to be on the sideline for Florida State’s game with Clemson, even though Winston had been suspended.
“Jameis was just heartbroken,” said Florida State assistant coach Randy Sanders. “Jameis has always had a reputation as a guy who likes to eat crab fish, he just doesn’t like paying for them. And he felt this would be a great opportunity to show America he is willing to hunt the crab he eats.”
“Jimbo thought it was just too risky,” said Florida State athletic director Stan Wilcox. “300 out of every 100,00 people who go to work as crab fisherman die according to U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. This is due to violent waters, frigid temperatures and heavy machinery. And we didn’t want Jameis ending up a statistic. We wanted him on the sideline where we could see him and make sure he wasn’t going after any king crabs!”
“Jameis Goes to Strip Clubs With Marco Rubio”
MIAMI–Time Magazine is reporting in its recent edition that suspended Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston was ordered to stand on the sidelines with the rest of the team against Clemson on Saturday night, because the Seminole coaching staff feared if they didn’t keep an eye on him, he might go bar hopping to strip clubs with United States Senator Marco Rubio of Florida.
“In the blockbuster book The Chairman, there is a blockbuster story about how Rubio would take political rivals to strip clubs in Miami, get’em drunk, than take compromising pictures of them with strippers,” said Florida State head coach Jimbo Fisher. “That way Marco was able to completely neutralize them. Well, we feared he might do the same to Jameis. After all, Marco is a Gator alum, and he could blackmail Florida State forever with this tactic.”
Winston, for his part, said he never heard of Marco Rubio.
“Jameis Campaigns for Pam Bondi”
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA–Florida state representative Dana Young has told the National Inquirer the reason suspended Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston was made to stand on the sidelines for the Clemson game, is because head coach Jimbo Fisher heard that Winston planned on spending the evening on the campaign trail with state attorney general Pamela Jo Bondi.
“This was just a situation with too much downside for Jimbo,” said Young. “To start with, let’s face it, Pam is a rock star around this state, everyone loves her. Than, you recall what happened to Jameis the last time he was left alone with a blonde-headed woman? You compound that with the fact that Pam is known to have a therapeutic mattress in the back of her SUV, and add in the fact she is not above running off to the Caymen Islands to get married, and it left Jimbo with just to much to worry about. It all sounds like an accident waiting to happen.”
The National Inquirer pointed out that Bondi is a Florida Gator grad, leaving Fisher to speculate that if Winston went running off with her, they may never see him again.
“Jameis Leads Campus Protests”
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA–Radio Station WNLS 1270 AM out of Tallahassee is reporting that the reason suspended Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston was allowed to suit up and stand on the sidelines with the Seminoles for the Clemson game, is because new Florida State University president John Thrasher feared if Winston was not on the sidelines in plain sight of everyone, he might start leading protests around campus about the high cost of tuition at FSU.
“If there is anything I learned in my political career,” reasoned Thrasher, “it’s that you can’t give political opposition the opportunity to grow. Jameis is a very charismatic individual, and I could picture him stirring up opposition over costly tuition all over the campus, putting me in a very preposterous position right off the bat.”
Thrasher said he was concerned Winston would use his “celebrity” personality to stir up discontent in the student towards the administration. “If the guy can persuade the DA’s office not to press rape charges against him, he can sure persuade the students to revolt!”
“Jameis Puts the make on Gabrielle Reese”
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA–Dig Magazine, a beach volleyball publication produced by the JDP Publishing Group, will report in next month’s edition that suspended Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston was ordered to stand on the sidelines for the Clemson game, because head football coach Jimbo Fisher feared if he didn’t keep Winston on the sideline, Winston would be up in the stands making time with Gabrielle Reese, a professional volleyball player, fashion model and actress who is a Florida State alum and was in town to make an appearance on ESPN’s Game Day.
“That Jameis is a sleazy old dog,” Fisher told the magazine. “And for Gabby’s protection be figured it would be best to make sure she was well out of harm’s way and if Jameis were allowed to prowl the stands, there might be an issue there.”
Reese, who was once voted one of the five most beautiful women in the world by Elle Magazine, said she was unaware Winston was on the sideline for her benefit. She said she figured he was down there because he wanted to defy coaching instructions and suit up even though he was suspended.
“Jameis Seen Taking Pictures at the Mall”
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA–Jack Tillinghast, director of Governor’s Square Mall in Tallahassee, Florida, has told Sports Illustrated the reason Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston was consigned to the sideline on the night he was suspended, was because the Seminole coaching staff feared he would be shooting provocative up skirt pictures of women coming out of the mall.
“This is a habit we are trying to break,” said Florida State head coach Jimbo Fisher. “We have alerted Jameis on 17 different occasions that he can’t just go down to Sears or Dillards or J.C. Penny, stake out a spot, and hone in on babes walking out of the Mall.”
“I understand what I did and I take complete responsibility for it,” said Winston.
Fisher said both he and assistant head coach Rick Trickett felt much more comfortable having Winston on the sidelines where the coaching staff could keep a good watch over him.
“Jameis checks out cheerleaders”
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA–The controversial website Gawker.com is reporting that the reason Florida State coach Jimbo Fisher had suspended quarterback Jameis Winston on the sidelines with the team on Saturday against Clemson, is because Fisher feared Winston would use the time checking out the cheerleaders, as opposed to learning the Seminoles plays.
The website quotes Seminole assistant Tim Brewster as saying, “Alot of people don’t know this, but Jameis really doesn’t know too many plays. He gets by on natural ability. And we figured it would be a wise use of time to have him on the sidelines studying the execution of the guys on the field, as opposed to studying the movements of the cheerleaders.”
ACC commissioner John Swofford let it be known he is backing Fisher one-hundred percent in the decision.
“In the ACC we are more about education than athletics,” he said. “And when a young man needs education, we want a competent staff of professionals right there to meet his needs. And that’s what it appeared Jimbo and his staff did.”
“Jameis Attends Fraternity Keg Party”
ORLANDO, FLORIDA–Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel is reporting in his latest bad column that the reason suspended Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston was kept on the sideline for the Clemson game is other members of the Seminoles told Florida State coach Jimbo Fisher that Winston has going to spend the evening at a fraternity keg party. And they were jealous and didn’t think it was fair.
“I trust my sources on this one,” said Bianchi. “I am every bit as sure of this one as I was when I wrote Will Muschamp would probably be leaving Florida to go to Texas. Or the time I reported Dick Vitale lives in Sarasota. It is no secret those fraternity boys at Florida State would love to have Winston’s DNA all over their kegs, and Saturday night would have been a good opportunity.”
Bianchi added, “Alot of people think I write stupid stuff just to be controversial. But that is not the case. I write stupid stuff because I’m really that stupid. Just ask the Brigham Young basketball team! Or ask Ole Miss and Mississippi State!”
“Jameis in Campus Library Stealing Laptops”
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA–WCTV in Tallahassee claims it has a source deep inside the Florida State athletic department who told them the reason suspended Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston was allowed to suit up for the Clemson game, is because members of the coaching staff feared if they didn’t let him suit up, he would be over at the campus library, scheming on stealing laptop computers from his classmates at Florida State.
“We learned a thing or two from the Florida Gators when they had Cam Newton on campus,” the source, who agreed to talk only under the condition of anonymity, told the TV station. “If Cam had not been let near that laptop, he never could have stole it. Then when the police came knocking at his door looking for it, he wouldn’t have had to throw it out the window.”
The source also said it is very rare Florida State learns anything from the University of Florida,” but in the case of Cam Newton they did learn a huge lesson about placating superstars who still have eligibility and catering to their every whim.”
“Jameis Disco Dancing at Local Night Club”
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA–Former Miami booster Luther Campbell told the Miami Herald this weekend, that the reason suspended quarterback Jameis Winston was allowed to suit up with the team against Clemson, is the administration feared he would go disco dancing at one of the many dancing establishments in Tallahassee, thereby taking luster away from the Seminole football program.
“Jameis has an odd way of doing “the Hustle’ and ‘The Electric Slide,’” said Campbell. “And all the attention he causes on the dance floor could be something used against him at a later date.”
Seminole coach Jimbo Fisher categorically denied Florida State’s alleged concerns of Winston going disco dancing had anything to do with anything. “My understanding is Jameis just suited up, and didn’t know he wasn’t supposed to do so until I came and told him to get off the field.”
“Jameis Overturns Cars on Campus”
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA–Pat Forde has reported on Yahoo.com this evening, that Florida State football coach Jimbo Fisher feared if he didn’t keep suspended quarterback Jameis Winston on the sidelines for the Clemson game, Winston might go around campus indiscriminately overturning cars.
“This was really a wise decision on Jimbo’s part,” said Florida State president Garnett Stokes. “Down deep, I don’t think Jameis has enough of a mean streak to go around campus overturning cars, but you never know. Jimbo decided to play it safe and both myself and the Board of Trustees felt that was a smart move.”
“I’m certainly glad Jimbo made the call,” said Florida State alumnus Charlie Ward. “I park my car in the back of the John and Mable Ringling Museum of Art each game, and I certainly would not want to come back to my car after the game and find out the Jameis overturned it.”
“Jameis Robs Banks”
WASHINGTON, D.C.–The Washington Post is quoting FBI director James Comery as saying the reason Florida State kept suspended quarterback Jameis Winston on the sidelines for tonight’s game with Clemson, is because head coach Jimbo Fisher feared Winston might use the opportunity to go around the Florida Panhandle robbing banks with high-powered weapons.
Citing anonymous sources, Comery said Fisher regards Winston as “a cagy little guy” who would be well aware that “with all the commotion of an ACC shoot out like Clemson and Florida State in town” it would be easy to conclude that “law enforcement personal” would be limited, giving someone an opportunity to rob all the banks in the area.
“Jimbo felt this could be a temptation to Jameis,” said Comery. “So in order to make sure this did not happen, Coach Fisher felt is would be best to have Winston on the sidelines where he can watch him every second of the game.”
Comery did mention that all banks within driving distance of Tallahassee are insured by the Federal Deposit Insurance, so consumers wouldn’t have to worry about Jameis stealing their life savings.
“Jameis Hangs out at Sorority House”
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA–The Tampa Tribune has reported on its website that the reason Florida State football coach Jimbo Fisher made suspended quarterback Jameis Winston stand on the sideline with the rest of the team for the Clemson game, is he was given inside information that Winston planned to spend the evening hanging out at a sorority house on the Florida State campus.
“I’m not going to tell what my source said–hell do I look like Bob Woodward?” said Fisher. “But I do have it on good authority that Winston thought he was gonna hang out with all the sorority chicks for the night, and hell, we all know the kind of trouble he can get into when he is hanging out with the chicks.”
So Fisher felt a proactive response would be to make him stand on the sideline.
“Jameis Meets with Sports Agent”
MIAMI, FLORIDA–ESPN the Magazine has reported that the reason suspended Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston was allowed to suit up for the Clemson game, is because Seminole coaches feared he would be meeting with sports agents, coercing them to stick money in his pocket under the table, if they didn’t watch him closely.
“I don’t trust Jameis any further than I can throw him,” the magazine quotes Seminole head coach Jimbo Fisher as saying. “And there is no question the second we let him out of our sight, he would be extorting people for money.”
Asked why he was so certain would do this, Fisher replied, “Because he does it to me all the time!”
“And his asking price keeps going up and up,” said Seminoles assistant head coach Rick Trickett.
“Jameis Speaks at Student Union Building”
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA–The Huffington Post reported tonight that the decision to allow suspended Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston to suit up and stand on the sidelines, was a staff decision made when Seminole assistant coach Sal Sunseri brought it to the staff’s attention that if they did not keep an eye on Winston, he might go right back over to the Student Union Building and start giving dissertations.
“Jameis has already gotten himself in enough trouble over at the Student Union Building,” said head coach Jimbo Fisher. “So we felt keeping him on the sidelines would keep him out of the Student Union Building, and he couldn’t get up on tables and start stirring up more trouble.”
“We would have welcomed Jameis if he wanted to use the Student Union Building as a platform to air his opinions on everyday life,” said Florida State student body president Patty Jennings.
“Jameis Emcees Wet T Shirt Contest”
APALACHICOLA, FLORIDA–Bill Bridge, owner of the Copacabana Night Club in Apalachicola, Florida has tweeted that Florida State quarterback will not be making an appearance at his establishment this Saturday to emcee their annual Sunshine Festival Wet-T Shirt Contest, because he has been ordered by head coach Jimbo Fisher to accompany the rest of the Seminoles on the sidelines for their game with Clemson.
“I think Florida State is missing a great PR opportunity,” wrote Bridge. “All Jameis is going to do on the sidelines is create a distraction. All those network cameras will be all over him watching his mannerisms as the game goes along, and criticizing him if they don’t like his body language. But here at the Copacabana he could be perfectly a ease, the crowd will really be locked into him,and he can relax and have a wonderful evening.”
Bridge did not elaborate as to whom will replace Winston as emcee.
“James Cyber Bullying Other Students”
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA–MSNBC is reporting on its “Morning Joe Show” that Florida State coach Jimbo Fisher was all prepared to let suspended quarterback Jameis Winston do academic research on his computer the night the Seminoles played Clemson, but decided not to when it was brought to his attention Winston could use the opportunity to cyber bully members of the Florida State student body.
“I wanted no part of this, so I felt it would be best to keep Jameis right on the field where we could watch him, and make sure he wasn’t logging on to any computers to spew hatred towards other FSU students,” said Fisher.
Florida State computer professor Mark Cox said he felt Fisher was worrying about nothing, because to his his knowledge, Winston does not know how to log on to a computer, much less sign in to chat rooms where he could start giving other students hell.
“We do need to eventually teach Winston how to log on to a computer before he leave college,” said Cox. “That’s one thing I have on my bucket list.”
“Jameis Climbs White House Fence”
WASHINGTON, D.C.–White House press secretary Josh Earnest told the media assembled in the James S. Brady Briefing Room today that President Barack Obama is the reason suspended Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston was on the sidelines for the Clemson game.
“The President assessed the situation, and decided to call Jimbo Fisher and recommend they keep Jameis on the sidelines in Tallahassee,” said Earnest. “The President had concerns that Jameis might just use the time off to come to Washington and start climbing over the White House fences.”
Obama, through a statement, said if Winston is silly enough to have done some of the other things he did, he sure is capable of coming to Washington and climbing over the White House fence, and with problems to address in both the Middle East and the Ukraine, the President insisted he had no time to deal with it.
“Jameis Gets Advice from Johnny Football”
CLEVELAND–TMZ is reporting on its website today, that the reason Florida State kept suspended quarterback Jameis Winston on the sidelines during the Clemson game, is the Seminole coaching staff got word that Cleveland Browns quartback Johnny Manziel offered to tutor Jameis, which out and out alarmed head coach Jimbo Fisher.
“So I figured I’d keep him right on the sidelines with us,” said Fisher. “We didn’t want to take the chance he’s hop a flight to Cleveland and visit that goofball Johnny Football.”
“Talk about dumb and dumber!” exclaimed assistant head coach Rick Trickett. “Johnny Manziel offering to tutor Jameis Winston would be about like Al Capone offering to show Machine Gun Kelly what it is like to be a law-abiding citizen!”
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