Ways Dan Mullen Could Stop The Florida Talk
  • Some will actually make a case the most devastating blow to Mississippi wasn’t losing Vicksburg to the Union army, but rather, losing Cam to an SEC rival when the godfathers of Mississippi State screwed up the payments and allowed Cam to slip away. Years ago, Cam, the best export out of Florida since citrus fruit, could have provided the same kind of happiness MSU is finally experiencing.

    And Florida, ironically, is once again presenting a thorn to the side of Mississippi State head coach Dan Mullen. Mullen, you see, is a former Gator assistant who has done so remarkably well he has become the hottest commodity in college coaching. Florida, you see, is probably going to need a coach and, like Texas, has unlimited resources to find one.

    Many figure the Gators have Mullen in their cross hairs, convinced we are about to see another show out of Florida where a forty something starts a new chapter in life, minus the wine-loving dysfunctional friends. So Mullen, who ought to be enjoying the best year of his life, has to spend an inordinate amount of time listening to talk of a return to Gainsville, annoying the daylights out of Bulldog fans.

    He already has said he loves his community and has no intention of leaving, but based on the track record of coaches, that’s about as believable as Hillery claiming she’s undecided about running.

    But, if Dan really wants to start playing hardball, here are some statements he could make that will end this Florida talk once and for all:

    Ho Chi Minh Owned A Home On Clearwater Beach

    CLEARWATER BEACH, FLORIDA–Mississippi State head football coach Dan Mullen, in an interview with CBS News today, said one of the reasons he has always been leery of the state of Florida, is because he knows for a fact Vietnamese Communist revolutionary Ho Chi Minh was allowed to own a beach home in Clearwater at the height of the Cold War.

    “It was the damnedest thing I ever heard of,” said Mullen. “We got the Russians trying to stick medium-range ballistic missiles in Cuba, the Tet Offensive is in full swing, Saigon is under seize, and there’s ol’ Ho Chi walking down the beaches of Clearwater in plain sight, and no one even questions him!”

    Mullen said that Ho Chi Minh, who worked as a cook in Harlem when he was a boy, had expertise sneaking in and out of America, but is appalled Pinellas County officials would allow him to stay. “They were trying to raise tax dollars so they could support the Florida Strawberry Festival, so they let anyone take up residency as long as they paid their taxes!”

    Mullen Hates “Snowbirds!”

    STARKVILLE, MISSISSIPPI–Mississippi State head football coach Dan Mullen, in an exclusive with the Wall Street Journal today, said the main reason he’d hate to ever move back to Florida is because of an overabundance of “snowbirds” which have saturated the state.

    “People from New York and New Jersey are some of the rudest, most obnoxious buttholes you will ever meet,” said Mullen. “And that’s all Florida has moving there. And I can’t stand those fools. Everything is rush, rush with them. They always act like they’re hurrying to catch a subway, or be the first in line for a sale at Macy’s. They really get on your nerves. What I don’t think the rest of America realizes is, when they see overbearing people like Chris Christie or Snooki on TV, this isn’t some overblown stereotype. That’s the way all those idiots really do act!”

    Mullen said the only way he’d ever move back to Florida is if the state legislature put a quota on the number of snowbirds allowed to live in the state, something similar to the Chinese Exclusion Act.

    Mullen Claims He’s In Love With Mississippi Cow Manure Aroma

    WATER VALLEY, MISSISSIPPI–The football coach of Mississippi State, in a telephone interview with the Dan Patrick Show today, said the thing he has enjoyed the most about living in Mississippi is the constant exposure he gets to the aroma of cow manure.

    “It’s a fleeting, indescribable feeling,” said Dan Mullen. “I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it’s something that could never be duplicated if I moved to Florida.”

    Mississippi governor Phil Bryant was confused about Mullen’s claim.

    “I have had lots of people tell me they like Mississippi because of the friendly people, the laid-back attitude, and the great culture our state offers,” said Bryan. “But this is the first time anyone has said, at least to me, that the thing he really enjoys about our state is the aroma of cow manure.”

    “Let’s face it, the guy grew up in metropolitan Philadelphia,” said SEC Commissioner Mike Slive. “I imagine after living there for 18 years, a toxic waste dump would seem like paradise.”

    “On the surface, Coach Mullen’s statement might seem a little bizarre,” said Mississippi State athletic director Scott Strickland. “But if I had to grow up smelling  smokestacks from seedy factories, I might have a predilection for cow manure too.”

    The Kennedy Space Center Is A Retirement Community For Mob Bosses

    CAPE CANAVERAL, FLORIDA–In a blockbuster story, Page Six of the New York Post is reporting the Kennedy Space Center, the United States launch site originally built to launch the largest and most powerful space vehicles known to man, is actually a front used by the Mafia for aging crime bosses.

    “The whole setup shows just how dimwitted the people running the state of Florida must be,” said Mississippi State football coach Dan Mullen, who was the newspaper’s primary source for the story. “My Florida sources tell me mob bosses retiring to Vegas or Miami were drawing too much attention to allow the syndicate to operate smoothly. So they figured they’d just stick the old duffers over on Merritt Island and no one would know the difference. All these years the public has heard about the Apollo Astronauts and the Gemini Astronauts and Space Shuttles and the strides we have made in outer space, and all that is really going on is the mob bosses are enjoying some peace and quite in their Golden Years.”

    Marco Rubio Unleashed His “Son of Exiles” Story To Impress Fellow UF Alum Faye Dunaway

    MIAMI–The New York Times is reporting tonight that Mississippi State football coach Dan Mullen claims United States Senator from Florida Marco Rubio made up his “Son of Exiles” story not to gain an advantage in politics, but rather to impress fellow Gator alum Faye Dunaway at an alumni function.

    In 2006, on the eve of his election to speaker of the Florida House, Rubio told an audience his parents fled from Cuba to the United States when oppressive dictator Fidel Castro assumed power. Rubio repeated this story numerous times over the next six years, until an investigation by the Washington Post revealed his parents actually immigrated to the United State two and a half years before Castro took control of Cuba.

    “He made that story up when he met Faye at ‘The Rally in the Swamp Alumni Bash’ about in 2005,” said Mullen. “He started out trying to impress her with stuff like, ‘When I get to be governor I’m going to overhaul the Florida tax system, because I fully believe a reduction in property taxes would decrease the size of government,’ and ‘Limited Government has made America the greatest country in the world, and when I become president I’m going to do it just like Ronald Reagan did it.’ It was obvious Faye wasn’t biting on this BS so he decided to change his tune!”

    Mullen claimed Rubio realized the schtick he as trying to play out–wannbe swashbuckler hell bent at revitalizing integrity in American politics–was not going over with Dunaway, and that’s when he started making up the story about the “Son of Exiles.”

    “Marco started hitting up Faye with this crap about parents and relatives who were brutally beaten by Castro’s henchmen, so they fled to America,” said Mullens. “Well, we know that’s BS because Castro was still in Mexico at the time Marco’s parents came to America, and would not take over Cuba for another two and a half years. Then he talked about a father who worked as a school crossing guard during the day and a bartender at night. It’s wouldn’t surprise me if that was BS too. He said his father also found time to be the manager of his Pop Warner team. I’ll bet that’s BS too. Then he claims he went off to get a degree at Florida and a law degree at Miami. Hell, I wouldn’t be shocked if that’s BS too!”

    Mullen’s sources told him the “Son of  Exiles” went over well enough on Dunaway, that he decided to use the same ruse on Florida voters a year later.

    El Chapo Guzmon Used The Magic Kingdom As A Hideout

    SINALOA, MEXICO–Mexican drug lord Joaquin El Chapo Guzman Loera, leader of one of the most powerful criminal empires, used the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World as one of his hideouts during the 13-year period he was on the run from law enforcement agencies in both Mexico and the United States. That, according to Borderland Beat, a blog dedicated to reporting on drug violence within Mexico and updates on the country’s deadliest cartels.

    The article quotes Mississippi State coach Dan Mullen, who has deep contacts within the state of Florida. “It really goes to show how gullible people in Florida are,” said Mullen.

    “On his application, El Chapo put down that he was a Latin American businessman who wanted to sporadically use the Magic Kingdom for some R and R. And officials never bothered to check and see if it was El Chapo.

    “So technically, one of he world’s most dangerous men was sleeping right down the hall from American icons like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, and, for all we know, eating lunch with Goofy, playing blackjack with Peter Pan and showering with Cinderella.”

    Vladimir Putin Is A Big Gator Fan

    MOSCOW, RUSSIA–The Russian News Agency TASS is reporting this evening that President of Russia Vladimir Putin is a big Florida Gator fan and hasn’t missed a broadcast of a Florida game via satellite ever since Will Muschamp took over as head coach.

    “It’s an interesting situation, but Vladimir religiously watches the Gators so he can see how you don’t do things when you are trying to move forward,” said Mississippi State head football coach Dan Mullen, who was the only source TASS used in its story.

    “Vladimir could hardly believe that Jeremy hired Will, but when he did, Putin monitored the situation very carefully,” said Mullen. “And every major decision he’s made from annexing Crimea to deploying troops to the Ukraine, he made it by first saying to himself, ‘Now how would Will handle this?’ And then doing the exact opposite!”

    Mullen Thinks Trailer Park Residents In Mississippi Are Smarter Than Trailer Park Residents In Florida

    PASCAGOULA, MISSISSIPPI–Mississippi State football coach Dan Mullen, while speaking before the Mississippi Department of Education, told Dr. Carey W. Wright, State Superintendent of Education in the state of Mississippi, that one of the reasons he’d never go back to work in Florida, is because the trailer park residents in Mississippi are much smarter than the trailer park residents in Florida.

    “The vision, mission and goals of our educators in Mississippi is clearly far superior to that of those in Florida,” said Mullen. “And I fully believe you can walk into any trailer park in the state, and level of education those people display is living proof our education system is working here in Mississippi.”

    Urban Meyer Regularly Played Strip Poker At UF Sorority Houses

    NEW YORK, NEW YORK–Mississippi State football coach Dan Mullen, while appearing on the NBC news program Meet the Press, told host Chuck Todd that when he was an assistant coach at the University of Florida, head coach Urban Meyer regularly participated in games of “Strip Poker” held at UF sorority houses.

    “Urban had around 40 players get arrested for misdemeanors and felonies in the time he was at Florida,” said Mullen. “And when you are in a situation like that, you have to do something to get your mind off things. And Urban used to be able to relax playing cards with the sorority girls. When you got Cam stealing laptops this week, and Arron punching out students at nightclubs the next week, you have to be able to do something to get away.”

    Emmitt Smith Was Pen Pals With Joey Buttafuoco

    MELVILLE, LONG ISLAND–Long Island NEWSDAY is reporting Mississippi State football coach Dan Mullen claims Florida Gator Hall of Fame running back Emmitt Smith was once pen pals with Long Island resident Joey Buttafuoco, who became a national figure by having an affair with 17-year old Amy Fisher, who subsequently shot Buffafuoco’s wife.

    “It started out pretty harmless,” said Mullen. “Emmitt wanted advice on overhauling the transmission to his car, so he dropped Joey a note.”

    Mullen, a former employee at Florida, claims the two were soon exchanging a letter a week.

    “It was covered up at all costs for so long, because Lon Kruger got paranoid, and felt it would absolutely kill Florida’s national recruiting,” said Mullen. “Emmitt certainly wasn’t breaking any laws, but Lon felt if this information ever became public, Florida would look like the biggest chumps in higher education.”

    Billy Donovan And Jeremy Foley Moonlight At SeaWorld

    ORLANDO, FLORIDA–Budget shortages caused by a multimillion dollar buyout of former football coach Ron Zook, forced Florida basketball coach Billy Donovan and athletic director Jeremy Foley to have to take part-time jobs at SeaWorld, according to Mississippi State coach Dan Mullen.

    “Florida doesn’t have as much money as you’d think,” Mullen told the Orlando Touchdown Club. “Ron turned out to be kind of a bust, Jeremy had to get rid of him, but buying out his contract was more of a problem than you would think. So what he did, is he took a cut in pay, talked Billy into taking a cut in pay, then arranged for a bigwig Florida alum get them weekend jobs at SeaWorld, so they could make up the lost salary. And this is why I’d never want to go back to the University of Florida.”

    Mullen said Donovan and Foley were assigned to clean up after Shamu the killer whale, and Donovan was furious about the arrangement.

    Charlie Crist Trashed A Hotel Room In South America

    RIO DE JANERIO, BRAZIL–The newspaper Correlo do Brasil is reporting today that Charlie Crist, who is currently running for governor of Florida, once trashed a Brazilian hotel room so badly, he was forced to pay over $12,000 in damages. The paper’s source, ironically, is Mississippi State football coach Dan Mullen.

    “I’m not going to tell you who my source was, but trust me, this is the truth,” said Mullen. “I was told what happened, is Crist married one of those shady snowbirds from Manhattan, and they went down to Brazil, and had such rip-roaring fun they became totally irresponsible, and just trashed the daylights out of their hotel room.”

    Mullen told the Brazilian newspaper that is one reason he’d pass on the Florida job if offered. “Can you imagine a guy like that running the state you are employed in?” asked Mullen. “The scarier part, is the guy Charlie is running against, makes Charlie look like King Solomon!”

    Erin Andrews Was Kicked Out Of Her Dorm For Keeping Beefcake Posters In Her Room!

    LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA–The editorial section of The Los Angeles Times is reporting today that TV personality Erin Andrews was almost expelled from the University of Florida over a dormitory incident her sophomore year.

    Quoting Mississippi State coach Dan Mullen, the paper claims Andrews had to appear before the school’s rule’s violation committee on three different occasions. “This is before I got to Florida so I’m going on folklore that was passed down through the faculty. But I understand Erin loved to hang beefcake posters in her room, which was a clear violation of student dorm  rules. Erin just loved those beefcake posters! Her attorney argued that because Erin was going to be a network TV star someday she should be given special consideration. She won a few appeals, but ultimately she was told to remove the posters or get expelled from school.”

    Fox Sports, which currently employs Andrews, said it would have no comment on the story.

    Aaron Hernandez Was behind “Fangate!”

    BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS–The Bristol County Sheriff’s office is taking exception to a statement Mississippi State head football coach Dan Mullen made on CNN’s Crossfire, contending that he is certain former Florida and New England tight end Aaron Hernandez was the one who installed a small fan under the podium of Florida gubernatorial candidate Charlie Crist in his debate with opponent Rick Scott.

    “I’m telling you, I coached Aaron, and that’s his kind of  humor, there’s no question in my mind he did it,” Mullen told CNN.

    But in written statement, the sheriff’s office contends in order to have pulled it off, Hernandez would have to escape from the 1,100-bed, maximum security facility, drive 17 hours to Florida, then drive back to Massachusetts and enter the  maximum-security jail  undetected. And jail superintendent Steve Souza is on the record saying he thinks that would be virtually impossible.

    “He’d have to be gone for about a 72-hour period,” said Souza. “And I know our guys up here in North Dartmouth might not be the sharpest knives in drawer, but there is no way he could have been gone that long without one of our guards detecting it.”

    Plus, Souza said he could not even begin to imagine what motivation Hernandez might have for doing such a thing.

    Mullen Loves Mississippi Moonshine!

    JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI–”You won’t find any contaminated moonshine in Mississippi, because we make it better than anyone in America!”

    Thus stated Mississippi State head football coach Dan Mullen. Appearing via satellite on the Food Network, Mullen said one of the reasons he’d never go back to Florida, is because the moonshine in Mississippi tastes so wonderful and he has learned so much about making moonshine from his neighbors in Starkville.

    “Those guys showed me right from the get go how to get the highest quality corn mess, how to utilize automotive radiators as condensers  and how to eliminate toxic wastes through fermentation! The result is the best moonshine in America.”

    Mullen said, in years past, he has generally used the moonshine after trips to Baton Rouge and Tuscaloosa.

    Tim Tebow Cheated Off Coeds While At UF

    NEW YORK, NEW YORK–The upcoming edition of Sports Illustrated quotes Mississippi State coach Dan Mullen as saying former Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow regularly cheated on tests while going to school at the University of Florida.

    “Tim had a racket going that was almost indescribable,” said Mullen. “Tim was a rock star on campus! All the women loved him and would do anything for him. So what Tim did, was whenever he had an upcoming test, he would find some babe in the class and convince her she would be doing the beloved University of Florida a huge favor if she would let him print the test information on her back, and take a seat right in front of him. This way, Tim could just reach up, pull up her blouse, and there the information would be! It worked like a charm.”

    Mullen, who was Florida’s offensive coordinator at the time, said Tebow printed every thing from geometry theorems to Shakespeare’s Sonnets on the backs of Gator coeds. “He actually got a good portion of Tolstoy’s War and Peace on the back of some girl from West Palm Beach. It was priceless!”

    Joakim Noah Had His Hair Styled By The Wild Samoans

    STARKVILLE, MISSISSIPPI–Mississippi State head football coach Dan Mullen, while appearing on the Today Show this morning, claims that former Florida basketball player Joakim Noah, who led the Gators to two national championships, used to have his hair styled by the Wild Samoans, a renowned professional wrestling tag team that held 21 tag team championships all around he world.

    “The Wild Samoans convinced Joakim to use hair conditioning each time he shampooed, as opposed to a few times a week, and I think that really helped their credibility with Joakim,” said Mullen, who was an assistant football coach at Florida during this time frame.

    Mullen claimed that opulent Florida boosters flew the Wild Samoans into Gainsville from the Isle of Somoa a least few times a month. “I’m sure it wasn’t cheap flying those barbarians in from the other side of the world, but Joakim always wanted a fresh look, so it was probably worth it,” said Mullen.

    Steve Spurrier Keeps A Naked Picture of South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley In His Office

    LONDON, ENGLAND–Reuters news agency has reported that South Carolina head football coach Steve Spurrier keeps a naked picture of the state’s governor, Nikki Haley, on a wall in his office, over his desk.

    “A lot of people aren’t aware of this, but Steve really respects good-looking women in positions of political power,” said Mississippi State coach Dan Mullen, who coaches in the same conference and was the source for the news agency’s story. “When he was in Florida, we heard he kept similar pictures of  up and coming women politicians like Katie Edwards and Pam Bondi on his office walls.”

    When reached for comment, a spokesperson for the University of Florida said, “This story is utterly ridiculous. Steve worked for us for eleven years and if he was hanging naked pictures of female politicians on his walls, we certainly would have found out about it, and acted accordingly.”

    When reached for comment, a spokesperson for the University of South Carolina said, “If Steve has a naked picture of  Governor Haley on his wall, well, God bless’em!”

    Galen Hall Was Aboard “Monkey Business” With Donna Rice and Gary Hart

    WASHINGTON, D.C.–The Washington Post is reporting this evening that former Florida head football coach Galen Hall was aboard the yacht “Monkey Business” the night former presidential front runner Gary Hart and former model Donna Rice went on a cruise off the coast of Miami. The paper attributes this information to current Mississippi State coach Dan Mullen.

    “I heard that not only was he on the boat with Donna and Gary,” said Mullen, “but Coach Hall slept in a cabin right next to Donna and Gary’s cabin, and when he heard sounds of ecstasy coming from Donna and Gary’s cabin, I heard he got up on his bed and started doing the Gator Chomp!”

    Mullen would not be specific about his source, but claims this information was all over the Florida campus when he started working there in 2007. “My understanding is the Miami Herald had this story dead to rights. They were going to report it but Hart dropped out of the race before they got it to press. So the Herald decided it was a non-issue once Hart was no longer a candidate.”

    The Miami Herald declined comment.

    Gary Hart declined the Miami Herald.

    Donna Rice declined Gary Hart.

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    October 24th, 2014 | Willie | No Comments |

About The Author

Willie Backer

is an award-winning, veteran writer who has chronicled major news and sports events all across america, and is the author of the brand new book " The Legends Son...and the Ultra-competitive World of Alabama Football.

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