Mark Twain once wrote in the Hartford newspaper that “politics makes for some strange bedfellows” and apparently college football follows suit, because a few of the pairings last week could not have been stranger had Paris Hilton jumped in the sack with Daffy Duck. First, Louisville hires Bobby Petrino, a coach who walked out on them a decade earlier and left such an array of athletic hoodlums and academic no-accounts the next coach didn’t have a chance. Plus, his career derailed when he got caught in one of the most embarrassing predicaments Arkansas ever heard of (and keep in mind, Bill Clinton is from Hope) when he hired a former volleyball player who could pass for a pole dancer at any gentleman’s club in America as his administrative assistant, then utilized her in a manner which seemed outside the boundaries of an administrative assistant.
Meanwhile, Alabama hires Lane Kiffin, a man Tide fans have been trained to loathe, who has been a disaster everywhere he ever coached. Primarily because he can’t deal with people. Any people. Players, assistant coaches, media, administrators, kitchen help, etc. Nick Saban justified things by saying the areas where Lane has had problems, are things he won’t be asked to do at Alabama. Which is fine but…unless Lane can coach from a mountainside cabin high in the Swiss Alps, the problems and heavy baggage that haunted him in the past will resurface in Tuscaloosa.
So, needless to say, you won’t find two men in America, even on Capitol Hill, that will more scrutinized over the next few months than these two. Alabama and Louisville appear to have given their rivals tanks of kerosine and packs of matches to work with. Now, Saban does not let his assistants talk to the press, which is a good thing, because if he did, here’s some things Lane is apt to say and do:
Criticize Chancellor for firing Mike Price
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–Lane Kiffin, just hired by Alabama as offensive coordinator, was highly critical of Alabama chancellor Dr. Robert E. Witt in an interview shown on Birmingham TV station 33/40.
“”Firing Mike Price had to be the most asinine thing I ever heard of,” said Kiffin. “Doesn’t Dr. Witt realize that patronizing strip joints is as much a part of college football as tailgating before the kickoff? It adds to the pomp and pageantry of the game.”
Price was fired following a visit to a Pensacola topless club in the spring of 2003. “Dr. Witt just doesn’t get it,” said Kiffin. “He needs to join the 21st century and realize that things like alcohol abuse, the legalization of grass and the utilization of strip club workers is part of our future, and the dumbbell must learn to embrace them!”
Witt had no comment on Kiffin’s remarks.
Insist Alabama should have gotten the Death Penalty for Albert Means Scandal
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–Lane Kiffin, while speaking to members of the North River Yacht Club, adamantly stated that Alabama should have gotten the death penalty for the illegal recruitment of Memphis high school football player Albert Means.
“When I was coaching up in Tennessee the Vols administration was just astounded by how over-the-top illegal it all was,” said Kiffin, who was recently fired at USC. “Phil Fulmer told me that Fat Albert’s high school coach, Milton Kirk, approached him and informed him for $200,000 he could have Fat Albert. Well, Tennessee, being the squeaky clean program that they are, refused to play ball. Next thing you know, Fat Albert is going to Alabama. Next thing to you, Alabama booster Logan Young admits he paid everyone off to make it possible.”
Kiffin, who was just hired as an assistant at Alabama, claims he can’t understand why SMU was given then death penalty and Alabama wasn’t. “What Alabama did was much worse than SMU. And if the NCAA had any sense of fair play, they’d have gotten together a posse and gone out an hung those responsible!”
Insinuate it’s easier to cheat at Alabama
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–Former USC coach Lane Kiffin, while appearing on AM 570 Sports Talk Radio out of Los Angeles, said he is thoroughly enjoying his new job at Alabama because on the recruiting trail you can “cheat like hell with impunity, because the NCAA is never going to do anything about Alabama breaking the rules.”
Kiffin said the NCAA learned its lesson from the times it put Alabama on probation. “Alabama is just too vital to television screens in the Fall,” said Kiffin. “It’s this simple, NO Alabama, NO eyeballs. The NCAA knows Alabama is one of those sacred cows it can’t do without. If I cheated at USC or Tennessee you always had to worry about NCAA penalties. But at Alabama, you could give a recruit wads of cash right in front of Denny Chimes and they wouldn’t do a thing about it.”
Kiffin said Alabama has been blatantly cheating since the days of Bear Bryant and the NCAA has always done everything it can to look the other way.
Wonder why there is no picture of Mike Dubose hanging at Fort Rucker?
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–Lane Kiffin, who arrived in Tuscaloosa from Los Angeles last week, expressed to the Montgomery Advertiser today dismay and shock that there is no picture of former Alabama coach Mike Dubose hanging up at Fort Rucker.
“Fort Rucker has housed as many as 4,000 Offiers and 40,000 Enlisted Personnel and those men need a hero to look up to,” said Kiffin. “And what better hero than a guy who made a splash in this state by making it with his beautiful secretary.”
Kiffin said he is encouraging everyone in the state of Alabama to write to their congressmen and senators ASAP.
“Those guys in the military have never let us down, so we can’t let them down,” he said.
Kiffin said if Norman Rockwell were alive today he is sure he’d draw a picture of Mike Dubose.
Express outrage that Gene Stallings could get hired with such a poor record
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–Alabama offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin told the Birmingham News today when the University of Alabama hired Gene Stallings, it was “the biggest joke I ever heard of.”
Kiffin claims it astounded him the Alabama administration would offer Stallings employment. “The guy’s record as a college coach at Texas A&M was abominable,” said Kiffin, “His overall record was 27-45-1. He only had one winning season in the seven years he was there. His record in the NFL was an even bigger joke. He was 23-34-1 with the St. Louis Cardinals. And people had the nerve to question my coaching credentials?”
Kiffin said he feels Stallings employment was directly related to his relationship with legendary Alabama coach Paul “Bear” Bryant. “Let’s face it, Gene could do a great impersonation of Coach Bryant. He tried to talk like him. He tried to walk like him. He tried that same gunslinger attitude Coach Bryant had. And the administration here at Alabama was stupid enough to buy this nonsense! And the next thing you know, they are making him the Crimson Tide coach! Ridiculous!”
Wonder why Bill Curry didn’t have the stadium named after him?
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–Lane Kiffin, while appearing as a guest on “Good Day Alabama,” mentioned that he feels the school’s football stadium should have been named after Bill Curry, a former coach of the Crimson Tide.
Kiffin, said, “Coach Curry had more decency and moral fiber than anyone who ever coached at Alabama. You look at everyone who ever coached at Alabama from Mike Dubose to Bear Bryant. They all had character issues from drinking to shirt chasing. But Bill was never like that. He was a good guy. So why wasn’t he accepted here in Alabama? Because he wasn’t one of ‘Bear’s Boys.’ Well, that just goes to show you how uncivilized the fans in this state are. They should be embracing Bill’s outstanding character, but instead, I get the feeling they’re ashamed of the guy.”
Curry’s record at Alabama was 26-10, but he was 0-3 against rival Auburn.
Insist Bear Bryant should have been put in prison for the way he treated the Junction Boys
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–New Alabama offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin, while speaking before the Over the Mountain Touchdown Club of Birmingham, said that coaching has changed drastically over the years and that “Bear Bryant should have been put in prison for the way he treated those Texas A&M players at Junction.”
Books have been written and movies made about Bryant’s first season at Texas A&M, and Kiffin claims he has read and seen them all. “It really underscores what an ignorant man Paul Bryant must have been,” said Kiffin. “It was just not medically sound to treat those kids as barbaric as he did. He’s lucky one of them didn’t die.”
Asked if he thought it was prudent to call Bryant “ignorant” in a state where he is regarded with god-like status, Kiffin said, “I really haven’t given much thought about it, but I imagine there are those who will have that perspective.”
Contend “Crimson Tide” is a silly nickname and recommend it be changed to the “Billy Goats”
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–Alabama offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin, while speaking before the Northport Chamber of Commerce, claimed the nickname, “Crimson Tide” has to be the “hokiest nickname ever given to a college sports team” and recommended the University of Alabama change its nickname to “The Billy Goats” as soon as possible.
“When I was a kid growing up I always laughed like hell when a TV announcer would call Alabama, ‘The Crimson Tide,’” said Kiffin. “What in the thunder is a Crimson Tide? A tidal wave of blood? A tsunami of tomato soup? It was made no sense! It was laughable!”
Kiffin said he sees productive long-term value for the University of Alabama if it would change its name to “The Billy Goats.”
“The name recognition the University of Alabama would get world wide, would just be immeasurable,” said Kiffin. “Good gosh, neolithic farmers were using goats for everything from meat to milk to making clothing. So as long as they have been around, and as beloved as they are in every country in the world, the name change would give Alabama instant credibility.”
Kiffin said he is going to recommend to the trustees that they get a name change on their agenda for the next meeting, but doubts they will. “People in Alabama are just too ignorant to embrace change,” he said.
Claim Alabama must start emulating Auburn’s example of shinning academics
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–Newly appointed Alabama offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin, in a candid interview with the Tuscaloosa News, claims Alabama will never be able to match Auburn’s reputation for excellence if it doesn’t implement programs to encourage its students to excel in the classroom like Auburn does.
“Auburn’s reputation for academic achievement is far an away better than Alabama’s,” said Kiffin. “When you let morons like Joe Willie and the Snake enroll, it may help you athletically, but academically just doesn’t make sense. We have got to be able to recruit athletes that will perform well in both the classroom and on the field. People that won’t be afraid to reach for the stars. People that will someday be scientists and Fortune 500 company CEO’s. The kind of people Auburn has taken pride in enrolling.”
Alabama athletic director Bill Battle said he has no blessed clue what Kiffin is talking about.
Six movies Lane could star in to improve his image:
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA– Jimmy Seton, agent for Lane Kiffin, has announced he has reached a deal with Paramount Pictures to cast Kiffin as the lead in the reJimmy Sexton,make of the romantic comedy drama, “Forrest Gump.”
“Let’s face it, Lane has a pretty negative reputation right now,” said Sexton. “But if he could be cast as this dim-witted character who shows endearing devotion to his loved ones and duties, it could make him seem like a beloved figure in the eyes of Alabama fans and help him tremendously in his new position with the Crimson Tide.”
“I think casting Lane is a tremendous idea and Jimmy should be commended for being a genius,” said Alabama coach Nick Saban. “First off you have the Alabama character. But then, Lane will be performing an incredible balancing act between comedy and sadness, a story rich in big laughs and quiets truths, and after watching him, Alabama fans will no longer think he’s a chump!”
“Sweet Home Alabama”
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA–Jimmy Sexton, agent for Lane Kiffin, has announced he has reached a deal with Touchstone Pictures to cast Kiffin in the role of Jake Perry in the remake of the romantic comedy film, “Sweet Home Alabama.”
“You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to realize that after his short run at Tennessee, Lane’s reputation among SEC fans is hardly pristine,” said Sexton. “But by casting him in a role where he is a mellow good guy, it will help him tremendously when he is out on the road recruiting for the Crimson Tide and at meet-and-greets with Alabama alums.”
“I think casting Lane as Jake Perry is the work of a genius,” said Alabama coach Nick Saban. “He has to not loose his dignity and keep pursuing a woman (Reese Witherspoon) with blind ambition. The fact the he eventually wins out at the end is what we are hoping for in the real Lane Kiffin story!”
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA–Lane Kiffin, newly appointed offensive coordinator for the University of Alabama, will star in the role of Lieutenant Commander Ron Hunter in the remake of the submarine thriller film “Crimson Tide,” according to Kiffin’s agent, Jimmy Sexton.
“Buena Vista Pictures loved this idea and wanted to see it through,” said Sexton. “The idea of Lane as a submarine commander with extensive education in military history and tactics is very similar to his situation at Bama right now.”
“Plus, by casting Lane in this role, it will show Crimson Tide fans that an impulsive feel for combat with an intuitive approach is something that will be good for all parties concerned,” said Alabama coach Nick Saban.
“My Cousin Vinny”
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA–Jimmy Sexton, agent for Lane Kiffin, has announced that he has reached a deal with 20th Century Fox to cast Kiffin in the role of Vincent Gambini the comedy film, “My Cousin Vinny.”
“The casting just couldn’t be more perfect for Lane’s situation at the University of Alabama,” said Sexton. “A guy from out of state whom everything thinks is a joke gets a chance to prove himself, and he saves the day. That’s the idea we want to put forth in the minds of Alabama fans!”
“Jimmy’s thinking is the work of a pure genius,” said Alabama head coach Nick Saban. “I really like Lane in the role of Vinny Gambini because when Vinny makes his first appearance, he is regarded as a duffus, kind of like Lane is now. Then, his unconventional methods make him look demented, kind of like Lane looks now. Then, his abrasive and disrespectful style is overcome by some aggressive and perceptive actions, something we are sure hoping will happen not only on the silver screen, but with Lane’s coaching career as well.”
HOLLYWOOD , CALIFORNIA–Jimmy Sexton, agent for Lane Kiffin, has announced he has reached a deal with the CW Television Network to cast Kiffin in the role of Lavon Hayes in the comedy-drama “Hart of Dixie.”
“This is the exact image we want of Lane: someone who graciously helps an outsider adjust,” said Sexton. “And the kindness that Lane will extend towards Dr. Zoe Hart will impress Alabama fans and leave them with the feeling he’s actually a pretty good guy after all.”
“The premise of the show is pretty silly, but the role for Lane shows that Jimmy is nothing short of a genius,” said Alabama head coach Nick Saban. “We want season ticket holders having the impression that Lane is decent fellow who will do anything he can to help out, and that certainly is the image that’s being projected in this role.”
“To Kill A Mockingbird”
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA–Jiimmy Sexton, agent for Lane Kiffin, has announced he has reached a deal with Universal Pictures to cast Kiffin in the role of Atticus Finch in the remake of the American drama, “To Kill a Mockingbird.”
“I just couldn’t be more elated,” said Sexton. “The imagine of Atticus is the polar opposite of Lane’s reputation. Atticus is the moral backbone of the silver screen and legal profession. His strong sense of morality and justice are the qualities we want Alabama fans seeing in Lane.”
“And the fact that Atticus is a big supporter of social outcasts and victims of prejudice is something we want SEC fans to see,” said Alabama head coach Nick Saban. “I don’t want people thinking I just brought Lane in here to distract from the way I blew the Auburn and Oklahoma games.”
Meanwhile, up north a little further in Kentucky, here are some moves Coach Petrino would be wise not to make in his second tour of duty at Louisville:
Hire Jessica Dorrell as tight ends coach
LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY–In an extremely controversial move, the Arkansas Gazette is reporting newly-hired Louisville football coach Bobby Petrino has announced that he will hire Jessica Dorrell as the Cardinals’ tight ends coach for the 2014 season.
“I know this will raise some eyebrows, but I honestly think Jessica is the best person I could get for this position,” Petrino told the paper. “I know if you look at her resume and compare it to the resumes of some of the other candidates we got, Jess doesn’t compare favorably. She has no experience on the grass coaching tight ends. But I am familiar with her work ethic from our days at Arkansas and I am comfortable she will do whatever she is asked to do.”
“This is the most suicidal move I have ever seen a coach make,” said veteran Louisville journalist Eric Crawford. “Based on what happened with Coach Petrino and Jessica at Arkansas, I would think she would be the last person he’d want in Jefferson County. Not to mention, how can he possibly justify Jessica’s qualifications to coach tight ends?”
Get Anthony Weiner UL Season Tickets
LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY–The New York Times has learned that former New York congressman Anthony Weiner will spend much of the upcoming Fall in Louisville, Kentucky, where he has been given front-row, season tickets by Cardinal football coach Bobby Petrino.
“Anthony has always brought plenty of enthusiasm to everything he ever did, whether it was throwing office furniture at his staff when he was trying to revise Medicare laws or sexting messages under the alias of ‘Carlos Danger’” said Petrino. “And that’s the kind of enthusiasm we want from our fans!”
“This move is highly questionable in the minds of many people in the state of Kentucky,” said veteran Louisville journalist Eric Crawford. “Weiner himself claimed he is, in his own words, ‘an argumentative, perpetually horny middle-aged man’ and based on what happened to Bobby at Arkansas, I am just not sure that is the kind of individual he needs to be associating himself with at this stage of his football coaching career.”
Perform with the UL Dance Team
LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY–Radio Station WHAS 840 AM is reporting that new Louisville football coach Bobby Petrino will preform dance routines with the “Ladybirds,” the Louisville spirit squad which performs at Cardinal basketball games during timeouts.
“This is a very exciting opportunity for me,” said Petrino. “I love to dance. I grew up dancing and I can do it all: ballet, hip-hop, jazz, folk, ballroom, tap dancing, whatever. And I am very anxious to show off my abilities with the Ladybirds Dance Team!”
However, not everyone who follows Cardinal athletics is sure this is a prudent move. “If I were Bobby I would pass on this one,” said veteran Louisville journalist Eric Crawford. “When you consider the problems which forced Arkansas to fire Bobby, then consider the message this might send to the Louisville administration seeing him out there on the basketball court shucking and jiving with a group of attractive young ladies, this might be something he might want to reconsider.”
Make Monica Lewinsky the UL football intern
LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY–The Washington Post has reported that infamous White House intern Monica Lewinsky will join the staff at the University of Louisville were she will be the intern in the football office.
“Monica wants to learn the football business from the ground up, and we decided we would give her that opportunity,” said Louisville football coach Bobby Petrino. Petrino would not elaborate on exactly what Lewinsky’s responsibilities will be. Lewinsky testified under oath that she had nine sexual encounters with former President Bill Clinton, which led to Clinton’s impeachment.
“I’m sure Monica will make a great intern, but many in Kentucky are wondering if this is a prudent move,” said veteran Louisville journalist Eric Crawford. “When you consider what Monica’s reputation is nationwide, then you consider the way she made her mark in our society, then you consider the kinds of problems which got fired Bobby fired at Arkansas, is all adds up to an accident waiting to happen. This is one appointment Bobby should reconsider. What if Paula Jones, Gennifer Flowers, Belinda Stronach, Naomi Robson, Markie Post, Patricia Duff, Sally Perdue, and Dolly Kyle Browning all come fort claiming an inappropriate relationship with Bobby? Whose gonna believe Bobby?”
Louisville athletic director Tom Jurich expressed concern about Petrino’s judgement and said he is prohibiting Linda Tripp on campus.
Arrive at practice each day on a motorcycle
LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY–CBS Sports is reporting that newly-hired Louisville football coach Bobby Petrino makes a point to come to practice each afternoon riding on his Harley-Davidson touring motorcycle.
“I figure I’d make an unforgettable impression on our players, so they will have an inordinate amount of extra respect for me,” said Petrino. “Not to mention, I love to ride around on my motorcycle.”
However, not everyone around Louisville feels this is sound logic.
“A motorcycle is what got him in deep yogurt in the first place,” said veteran Louisville journalist Eric Crawford, who recently authored a book with Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino. “There are still rumors out there that he and Jessica staged that motorcycle accident to cover up the real cause of Bobby’s injuries. So many think the smartest thing Bobby could do is never be seen on a motorcycle again.”
Keep a picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s mistress in his office
LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY–WAVE-TV out of Louisville, Kentucky reported on its late news that newly-hired Louisville football coach Bobby Petrino keeps a picture in his office of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s former maid, Mildred Baena.
“Arnold has always been kind of a big hero to me,” said Petrino. “I loved his Terminator movies. I loved the movie he was in with Jamie Lee Curtis. And by hanging a picture of Mildred on my wall, this is one way I can honor Arnold and remind society of the great contributions Arnold has made.”
Annalists in the media are not so sure this is a wise move on Petrino’s part. “When you consider the things that got Bobby fired at Arkansas, then consider the elements that caused Arnold to get divorced from Maria Shriver, then this (hanging a picture of the maid in this office) it seems just downright disrespectful,” said veteran Louisville journalist Eric Crawford.
Crawford added if Petrino hung a picture in his office of Brigitte Nielson, whom Schwarzenegger is also accused of having an affair with, it might go over much better with Louisville backers.
Hire Roman Polanski as his video coordinator
“A marvelous hire for us,” said head football coach Bobby Petrino. “You think of all those classics Roman has directed from Rosemary’s Baby to Chinatown we just can’t go wrong having that kind of an individual behind our cameras.”
However, the move was viewed with skepticism by some members of the Louisville media.
“I saw as many of Roman’s movies as the next guy, and I will agree they were great,” said veteran Louisville journalist Eric Crawford. “But let’s keep in mind Roman also pleaded guilty to unlawful sex with a minor and fled to France. And Petrino just doesn’t need this kind of association. Bobby was fired at Arkansas for his involvement with a young lady many considered to be a minor. Plus, it is going to look awful bad for the University of Louisville if the Los Angeles Police should show up with a warrant for Roman’s arrest.”
Sit on the bench for UL volleyball games
“I am very captivated by this sport,” said Petrino. “What I think is so cool, is those uniforms they ware. The bottoms fit on like a pair of women’s panties. And that is one of the things that makes the sport so irresistible.”
“Tell me he didn’t actually say that?” said Louisville athletic director Tom Jurich.
“That has to be the most self-destructive statement I’ve ever heard a Louisville coach say,” said veteran sports journalist Eric Crawford. “I thought Denny Crum said some questionable stuff, but this is the granddaddy of them all!”
Hire Chris Christie as his offensive line coach
LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY–University of Louisville football coach Bobby Petrino announced today that New Jersey governor Chris Christie will join the Cardinals staff where he will work with the offensive line.
“This was a no-brainier,” said offensive coordinator Garrick McGee. “Bobby and I were putting our heads together trying to decide who would be a good offensive line coach. All of a sudden, a report aired on MSNBC on Governor Christie’s political problems. And we unanimously decided if Chris can get defensive lineman blocked as effectively as he can get bridges blocked, we need him on our staff.”
“I really enjoyed my time serving the taxpayers of New Jersey, but it may be time to look into other opportunities, and I am excited to be chosen the O-line coach at Louisville,” said Christie.
“I think Bobby and Garrick jumped the gun on this one,” said veteran Louisville journalist Eric Crawford. “I know Chris brings great name recognition to the university which will probably be highly effective for recruiting practices, but they don’t need an individual on the staff who is currently involved in a scandal, when Bobby is trying to overcome a scandal of his own. Bobby has been accused of massive abuse of power, and Chris has been accused of massive abuse of power, and the last thing the Louisville athletic department needs are a bunch of liberal media types coming around digging dirt.”
Make Ashley Dupre director of football operations
LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY–The University of Louisville announced today that Ashley Dupre, a former call girl who brought down former New York governor Elliot Spitzer, will be joining the staff as director of football operations.
“Bobby Petrino came to me with this idea and I reluctantly agreed to go along,” said Louisville president Dr. James R. Ramsey. “It seems Bobby found out through the athletic department’s business office that generally they have the head coach room on the road with the director of football operations. And when he found that out, he insisted we hire Ashley.”
“Bobby is really setting himself up for a major tumble,” said renowned Louisville journalist Eric Crawford. “Based on the problems that forced him out at Arkansas, and Ashley’s background as a call girl, that combination that could be lethal for his career. Can you imagine the scrutiny he’s going to face when Louisville goes on the road to Lexington to play the Cats!”
Let John Edwards Select the Homecoming Queen
LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY–University of Louisville football coach Bobby Petrino has told the Lexington Herald that former vice-presidential candidate John Edwards will be utilized to select this year’s Cardinal homecoming queen.
“I didn’t get to the United States senate by accident,” said Edwards. “And I don’t think God is through with me.”
However, other veteran Louisville observers question whether this is a good idea or not. “John got an awful lot of negative publicity for his involvement with Rielle Hunter,” said veteran Louisvlle journalist Eric Crawford. “And for Louisville to be getting involved with someone with John’s reputation, when they’re already gotten involved with Bobby and his reputation, and they already have on staff someone like Rick (Petino) and his reputation, well…that’s a one, two, three punch that could sully the school’s image.”
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