Season’s First Casualty: Hit The Road, Lane!
  • “Somebody’s gonna give you a lesson in leavin’, somebody’s gonna give you what you been givin’, and I hope that I’m around, to watch’em knock you down…” — Jo Dee Messina, on behalf of Vol fans?

    In a way, give Lane Kiffin credit. It took awhile for this brazen joyride from Oakland to Knoxville to Los Angeles to finally come to an end. And by the time it did, Kiffin, the coaching version of “Catch Me If You Can” is financially set for life. But…never underestimate Lane Kiffin’s ability to screw up a football program. Everywhere he has gone he starts spending the principal when he ought to be living off the interest. As a result, it would be easier to get Jennifer Lopez’s home phone number than find a Tennessee fan who’d say one kind word about Lane, whom the Vol Nation gives credit for taking a supertanker and knocking it off course. Something next to impossible to do, but Lane, bless’em, did it.

    Needless today, more than a few Vol fans were ordering brandy and lighting up cigars, thankful they were around, to watch Lane get knocked down. And it wasn’t just that USC fired Lane shortly into the season, it’s the humiliating way they issued the pink slip. Athletic Director Pat Haden pulled him off the bus heading back to campus at 4 a.m., fired him in the LAX parking lot, then told him to find his own way home. Told Lane for all he cared, he could hitchhike from LAX Airport!

    But, if Vol fans had their way, here’s what they wished Haden had done to Lane:

    Drop him off in Siberia

    NOVOSIBIRSK, SIBERIA–The Khanty-Mansiysk Times is reporting the Russian Embassy in Washington D.C. has granted an emergency passport to USC athletic director Pat Haden to enter Russia’s geographical region in north Siberia to drop off former Trojan football coach Lane Kiffin.

    “Our understanding is they let him off about 600 miles west of the Ural Mountains, gave him a bobsled and some Siberian Huskies, and told him to sled back to southern California,” said Anna Andreyenna Gorenko, who issued the passport on behalf of the Russians. “The frozen tundra in the northern fringe is going to make weather conditions well below freezing, so I hope Lane has some heavy winter clothing.”

    “That two-bit thimble rigger lost seven of his last eleven games, so I don’t care if he freezes in the permafrost of Kamchatka,” said Haden.

    Put him in a kayak off the coast of Alaska

    BARROW, ALASKA–The Artic Sounder Newspaper has reported in its evening editions the University of Southern California has flown a private plane into Wiley Post/Will Rogers Airport where it let off former Trojan football coach Lane Kiffin, put him in a kayak off the northern coast of Alaska, and told him to row back to Los Angeles.

    “Being that Barrow is 320 miles north of the Arctic Circle, the weather conditions are so frigid cold I’m not sure a Polar Bear could survive in the waters off the coast,” said former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin. “Hopefully USC hired an Eskimo to serve as Lane’s tour guide.”

    “That two-bit thimble rigger couldn’t even beat Washington State,” said USC athletic director Pat Haden. “I hope he has frostbite by the time he reaches Juneau!”

    Drop him in the middle of the Ecuadorian Jungle

    CUYABENO, EUCADOR–The Los Angeles Times is reporting that following USC’s loss to Arizona State, Trojan athletic director Pat Haden met football coach Lane Kiffin at the airport, fired him, had him helicoptered into a Ecuadorian jungle, and abandoned him.

    “He’s gonna have to make his way through Amazon rainforests to volcanoes to bloodthirsty animals,” said Kapawi mayor Rafael Correa. “Lane is going to have to be some sort of Indiana Jones to make it out alive!”

    “They literally have hundreds of species of reptiles and amphibians and wild birds in the Amazon Basin, and we told Lane if some Hippopotamus starts charging after him, that’s his tough luck,” said USC athletic director Haden. “Anyone who gets blown out by Arizona State deserves to be sat on by a Hippo!”

    Throw him into the Everglades

    NAPLES, FLORIDA--Dan Kimball, superintendent of the Everglades National Park, has announced that because of the government shutdown no supervision will be provided in the Everglades, and the University of Southern California has informed him it plans on dropping former football coach Lane Kiffin into the facility equipped only with a can of the insect spray “OFF.”

    “This is a very risky situation,” Kimball said. “The sawgrass marshes and sloughs are chuck full of larval insects as well aquatic animals like turtles, alligators and snakes. And surviving in this complex network of interdependent ecosystems could prove quite a challenge.”

    “I hope one of those man-eating alligators sticks his snout and claws right in that two-timing thimble rigger’s backside,” said USC athletic director Pat Haden. “Anyone who starts a season ranked number one than barely has a winning record, deserves to be preyed upon by aquatic invertebrates!”

    Throw him into shark infested waters

    BOLINAS, CALIFORNIA–The San Francisco Chronicle is reporting that the University of Southern California fired football coach Lane Kiffin shortly after the Trojans lost to Arizona State, then put him on a helicopter and dropped him off the coast of Bolinas Beach, one of the most shark-infested bodies of water in the world.

    “There have been eleven shark attacks reported in this area,” said Chronicle editor Phil Bronstein. “And these are apex predators at the top of the food chain. So they have little fear of anything they cross, and fatal unprovoked shark attacks can be common off Bolinas Beach.”

    “It wouldn’t bother me if some Great White Shark took a nice chuck of Lane’s fanny,” said USC athletic director Pat Haden. “That two-timing thimble rigger had us believing he’d play for the national championship this year, and now, we’re going to be lucky to make the Clown Uniform Classic!”

    Helicopter him into a terrorist training camp

    AKORA KHATTAK, AFGHANISTAN–The Al Jazeera Network has reported that following USC’s embarrassing loss to Arizona State, Trojans officials fired coach Lane Kiffin, then put him on a helicopter and flew him to the remote mountains of Afghanistan, where he was enrolled in a terrorist training camp.

    “For reasons the school never specified, they wanted Lane training with an elite guerrilla unit supervised by the Mujaheddin which fought off Soviet resistance in the early 80′s,” said camp director Ayman al-Zawahiri. “We are going to go over everything with him from satellite phones to night vision goggles to shoulder rocket launchers to helicopter hijackings, all in an effort to enrich his knowledge of the world.”

    “I hope they keep him real busy,” said USC athletic director Pat Haden. “Because if he is over there training with them, he can’t be over here messing up our football program. And that two-bit thimble rigger has dug us so far in a hole, it is going to take a Kevin Sumlin or Nick Saban to dig us out!”

    Now, whose gonna get the USC job? Another distraction for the SEC since, 1) USC is regarded as one of the best jobs in America and 2) rumor has it the Trojans are prepared to invade the SEC to get the best in college coaching which includes Kevin Sumlin or Nick Saban. But, there are ways Kevin and Nick could counteract these rumors!

    Six Ways Kevin Sumlin Could Counter USC Rumors:

    1) Go to a Beach Boys Concert and sing soul music

    PASADENIA, CALIFORNIA–RadarOnline is reporting that Texas A&M football coach Kevin Sumlin recently attended a Beach Boys concert at the Rose Bowl, but instead of singing along in those rock and roll tunes which normally accompanies the band, Sumlin sang soul music.

    “I thought it was pretty obnoxious,” said one eyewitness. “When I was humming along to Help Me Rhonda! Kevin was singing some sort of Percy Sledge song!”

    “Kevin was not trying to be confrontational or insult anyone in the crowd,” explained radio host Paul Finebaum. “Kevin knows the Beach Boys signify that southern California youth culture of surfing and hot cars and babes on the beach in bikinis. So by going to a Beach Boys concert and singing rhythm and blues numbers, he can distance himself from any talk that he’s taking the USC job after the season. This is a way of cutting down the distractions his players are going to hear about him leaving for the Pac 12 after the Missouri game.”

    2) Demand the Seven Dwarfs show some ethnic diversity

    ANAHEIM, CALIFORNIA–The Seven Dwarfs need to show more ethnic diversity. That, according to Texas A&M football coach Kevin Sumlin.

    The Los Angeles Times has reported that Sumlin has filed a complaint with the Walt Disney Company asking the Seven Dwarfs be integrated. “His argument is very curious,” said Walt Disney chairman of the board Bob Iger. “Kevin thinks Fat Albert should be made a member of the Seven Dwarfs but he really offered no sound proof as to why?”

    “Kevin doesn’t care about racial equality in the Seven Dwarfs,” said ESPN’s Paul Finebaum. “Kevin realizes Texas A&M could be on the verge of another outstanding season, and he doesn’t want anything to ruin it. And he knows talk of him leaving for USC could affect his players. So by protesting the Seven Dwarfs, he can turn to his guys in the locker room and tell them with a straight face if he was leaving for California, he certainly wouldn’t be taking on a west coast institution like the Seven Dwarfs!”

    3) Paint “Gig’Em” on all Beverly Hills city signs

    BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA–The Beverly Hills police department has identified Kevin Sumlin of Texas A&M as a “person of interest” in a vandalism crime it is investigating, where an individual painted “Gig’Em” on all city signs in the Beverly Hills community.

    “This is a felony where the perpetrator could be imprisoned for three years,” said Beverly Hills chief of police David Snowden. “Right now the case against Coach Sumlin is circumstantial, but it could be a strong circumstantial case.”

    “I certainly don’t think of Kevin as a felon, but in this case it would not surprise me if he is guilty,” said ESPN’s Paul Finebaum. “With all the talk of Kevin going to USC, it is frustrating. So, to demonstrate to the Aggie administration that he has no intention of leaving College Station it wouldn’t shock me if he got a can of spray paint, hoped a Southwest flight out to California, and painted “Gig’em’ on every piece of municipal property he could find!”

    4) Have lunch with Frank McCourt

    SHERMAN OAKS, CALIFORNIA– Gawker.com is reporting that Texas A&M coach Kevin Sumlin was seen in The Case Vega Restaurant having lunch with former Los Angeles Dodger owner Frank McCourt.

    “It is was it is and people shouldn’t make any more out of it than what it is,” said Sumlin. “Frank is an expert on Mexican cuisine, and he wanted to take me to the best Mexican food place in southern California.”

    However, ESPN host Paul Finebaum had a different take. “Frank is one of the most distrusted and despised men in the history of Los Angeles,” said Finebaum. “Sports fans out there will never forgive him for the way he ran the Dodgers in the ground. And Kevin knows this gives him the perfect cover for the USC job. He can go to Aggie booster clubs everywhere from San Antone to Houston to Dallas and say, ‘Hey, if I was going to take a job in the southern California area, would I be seen in public dinning with a known scoundrel like Frank McCourt?’”

    5) Throw toxic wastes into Marina del Rey Harbor

    MARINA DEL REY, CALIFORNIA–TMZ has reported that Texas A&M football coach Kevin Sumlin was seen Monday night dumping toxic wastes into the harbor at Marina del Rey.

    “This goes counter to the redevelopment plan for the marina a group of responsive and forward-thinking group of elected officials is trying to institute,” said Los Angeles county commissioner Gloria Molina. “I can’t think of why Kevin would do something like this!”

    “I can tell you exactly why he did this,” said ESPN analyst Paul Finebaum. “Kevin has been around long enough to know the marina at Marina del Rey is a very historical point of interest to many southern California residents. Good Lord, George Strait didn’t write a song about it for nothing!  This small-craft harbor has been something special to this community for years. And by dumping toxic wastes in the water he can turn to his Aggie team and say, ‘Hey, if I was taking the USC job, would I go out to southern California and dump toxic wastes into the harbor at Marina del Rey?’”

    6) Demand rollerblading be outlawed

    ORANGE COUNTY, CALIFORNIA–In a highly unusual move for a major college football coach, the Dallas Morning News has reported that Texas A&M head coach Kevin Sumlin has filed a petition with the city of Los Angeles asking that rollerblading be outlawed from Venice Beach to Malibu.

    “It’s a danger, not only to rollerbladers who fall, but to pedestrians and pets that might be using the same path,” said Sumlin. “Too many times hazards are caused by skating into areas too tough for the skill level, and I just feel southern California would be better off without it.”

    However, ESPN talk show host Paul Finebaum feels Sumlin may have ulterior motives. “Why should a guy working in College Station, Texas be concerned with what rollerbladers are doing two times zones away?” he asked. “No area in the country offers as many outdoor facilities to utilize for rollerblading as southern California, Kevin knows thousands of Californians people get enjoyment out of this activity, and he’s just positioning himself as an anti-Californian, so he can convince Aggie alums he has no interest in the USC job!”

    Six Ways Nick Saban Could Counter USC Rumors:

    1) Call for higher wages for fruit pickers

    STOCKTON, CALIFORNIA–The Los Angeles Times is reporting that Alabama football coach Nick Saban has come out in full support of the United Farm Workers Union, and is demanding higher wages for fruit pickers all throughout the southern California area.

    “I don’t care if we are talking about tomatoes, raisins, lettuce or asparagus, these growers have to realize if we don’t pay a competitive wage, the United States will fall behind countries like Chile and Mexico in agriculture production which will hurt the morale of farm workers everywhere from Modesto to the San Joaquin Valley” said Saban.

    “I was not aware Coach Saban was so well versed in agriculture labor and the retail grocery industry,” said California governor Jerry Brown.

    “I can’t believe Coach Saban knows a thing about hand sorting fruit or the basic techniques of a packing house,” said ESPN radio commentator Paul Finebaum. “I think he is just coming out strong on behalf of fruit pickers because he knows farm unions are very unpopular amongst the economically elite in southern California, the people who run that state’s institutions of higher learning. And by positioning himself as a champion of field laborers, Nick can hide any genuine interest he may have in the USC coaching job, and throw the dogs off the trail!”

    2) Claim Pat Haden is Wolfman Jack’s illegitimate son

    LOS ANGELES–Alabama football coach Nick Saban has gone on the record as saying that USC athletic director Pat Hayden was fathered by Wolfman Jack, the internationally-renowned, gravely-voiced DJ who based his offices on Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles.

    “I met the Wolfman when he was shooting American Graffiti years ago,” Saban said on KLAC AM Radio. “He took me in his confidence and told me Pat was his illegitimate son. I held this information to myself for years.”

    However, ESPN radio host Paul Finebaum disputes Saban’s claim. “There has never been any proof that Pat is really the Wolfman’s boy,” he said. “I think Nick is just saying that because he can insult the heck out of two beloved California entities, and go back to Alabama as proof that he has no interest in looking into the head coaching position at USC.”

    3) Protest out at Disneyland

    ANAHEIM, CALIFORNIA–KNBC-TV in Los Angeles has reported that Alabama football coach Nick Saban was seen picketing out at the front of  Disneyland today, although what he was protesting was not exactly clear.

    “Coach Saban was extremely nonviolent in his protest,” said Disneyland general manager Michael A. Colglazier. “He was not trying to prevent other employees from entering the place to work, he was not trying to prevent paying customers access to the theme park, to be real honest, I don’t know what he was doing.”

    “Nick had no intention of making demands or putting pressure on special interest groups,” said ESPN radio commentator Paul Finebaum. “Nick is well aware Disneyland generates 7.4 billion dollars into the southern California economy, and the park itself employs 21,000 people. 57,000 additional people make their living by working for Disneyland suppliers. So Nick knows how vital Disneyland is to the economy, and if you want to send a message to your employers in Alabama that you have no interest in taking the USC job, what better way than to go raise a little hell at Disneyland?”

    4) Take a tour of Universal Studios and trash talk Doris Day

    LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA–TMZ is reporting that Alabama football coach Nick Saban recently took a tour of Universal Studios in Los Angeles, and virtually the entire tour, made deprecating remarks about Doris Day, who appeared in 39 films on the premises.

    “He kept muttering how classless she was, getting married and divorced four times,” said one eyewitness. “He kept marveling at how someone who made so much money eventually had to file for bankruptcy.  He also said anyone who was into animal welfare activism to the degree Doris was, had to have been mentally unstable!”

    “Nick couldn’t care less about Doris Day’s personal life,” said ESPN talk show host Paul Finebaum. “He just made those remarks because he knows Doris is a Universal icon, right up there with Cary Grant, Alford Hitchcock and John Wayne for that era. I’m surprised he didn’t say ‘Pillow Talk’ was a communist plot. And by taking on a Hollywood icon like Doris, Nick creates the perception there is no way he would ever move to California and coach the USC Trojans. Thus, this is a way he could isolate his team from such distractions.”

    5) Take a jackhammer to the Hollywood Walk of Fame

    HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA–The CBS Evening News has reported that Alabama football coach Nick Saban got access to a hydraulically-powered, gas-operated jackhammer, took it to the corner of Hollywood Boulevard and Vine Street and started a demolition demonstration on the brass stars embedded into the sidewalks of the Hollywood Walk of Fame, starting with the names Danny Kaye and Frank Sinatra.

    “There will definitely be a full investigation into this one and felony charges could be filed,” said Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti. “Nick destroyed those  sidewalks with more viciousness than the Crimson Tide destroyed Notre Dame last January!”

    “Coach Saban has nothing against those stars on Hollywood Boulevard,” said ESPN’s Paul Finebaum. “Nick is well aware that the Hollywood Walk of Fame is a big-money tourist attraction that attracts over 10 million visitors a year. Something that pumps millions into the southern California economy.  And he knows by going out to Los Angeles and slicing up the Walk of Fame, it will limit any talk of him talking over at Southern Cal for Lane Kiffin. He can, with a clear conscience, tell the student body at Alabama that there is no way he would have taken a jackhammer to Hollywood Boulevard if he planned on coaching at USC next year!”

    6) Recommend ordinances outlawing bikinis on public beaches

    LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA–Alabama football coach Nick Saban has told Kevin Scarbinsky of the Birmingham News that he has written a letter to the city commissioners of Los Angeles, California demanding they rethink their position on the kind of clothing which should be worn on public beaches in southern California.

    “You take a look at some of the scenery from Newport Beach to Santa Monica Pier and the lack of decency is just sinful,” said Saban. “This mess needs to be cleaned up.” Saban said he is encouraging the city commissioners outlaw bikinis on the public beaches of southern California.

    “This may be a ridiculous violation of the First Amendment,” said ESPN analyst Paul Finebaum. “Freedom of expression is a big part of the Constitution so I have no idea what legal ground Coach Saban thinks he is standing on. Plus, if you ask me, this has nothing to do decency. Nick knows bikinis on the beaches of southern California are as big a part of that culture as grits for breakfast are in the Deep South. And he’s just trying to send a message to the residents of Alabama that he would never be part of that culture, therefore, they don’t have to worry about him going to USC!”

    Another wild card popped up last week when DeLoss Dodds, who made Texas the most lucrative college program on Earth, resigned. So Who places him? Tough to say. As preeminent as Texas regards itself, you could be president of the United States and not get considered. In fact, if some former Commanders in Chief applied, here are the headlines we just might see:

    Texas Refuses To Hire Nixon; Fears He’ll Have Staff Bug Aggie Facilities

    AUSTIN, TEXAS–The Austin American Statesman is reporting that Texas governor Rick Perry has blocked an attempt by the University of Texas to hire former president Richard Nixon as athletic director, for fear Nixon may instruct Longhorn staff members to plant illegal wiretaps in key facilities on the Texas A&M campus.

    “If you recall, Nixon was able to handily defeat George McGovern in the 1968 election because of all the inside information he was able to gather by planting illegal electronic recording devices at places like the Watergate Hotel,” said Perry. “Well I sure don’t want him sending his guys over to College Station, bugging our facilities, and getting the upper hand on the Aggies by illegal means. So I am not going to approve the hiring of Richard Milhous Nixon as a replacement for DeLoss Dodds as athletic director at the University of Texas.

    Nixon, reached at his San Clemente retreat responded, “Like I told Checkers last night, the people of Texas have to know if their athletic director is a crook. Well, I am a proven crook, and it sounds like the University of Texas needs a few proven crooks if they’re ever gonna get competitive again!”

    Texas Refuses To Hire Ford; Fears He’ll Pardon Mack Brown

    AUSTIN, TEXAS–The Dallas Morning News is reporting that former United States president Gerald Ford will not be hired as the next athletic director at the University of Texas because Orangebloods fear he will pardon Mack Brown.

    “Everyone has to be held accountable for their actions,” said Paul Foster, Chairman of the University of Texas Board of Regents. “And Mack has done some atrocious atrocities over the years, like getting blown out by OU. Jerry has done some great things in his political career, but if he pardon’s Mack like he pardoned Nixon, we will have anarchy on our hands.”

    “Those Texans still recall LBJ saying that I played too much football without a helmet,” said Ford. “And they continue to hold that against me.”

    Texas Refuses To Hire Carter; Fears He’ll Let Key Staffers Be Held Hostage

    AUSTIN, TEXAS–WFAA-TV out of Dallas is reporting this evening that the University of Texas has made its final cuts for the athletic director to replace DeLoss Dodds, and former United States president Jimmy Carter was not included.

    “We are moving to a new era of Longhorn athletics,” said Texas president William Powers Jr. “And while Jimmy’s background as a naval officer and private business owner in Georgia was quite impressive, we just could not take the chance that members of an interior conference, like the Sunbelt or Conference USA, would hold our guys hostage, and Jimmy would stand by twiddling his thumbs and do nothing about it!”

    “I think the administration made a very wise choice,” said football coach Mack Brown. “At this state of my career I certainly don’t want someone like Akron or Central Michigan holding me hostage.”

    “And as much money as the Texas athletic department generates, you know the ransom schools like SMU or Colorado State would deman would be through the roof,” said Texas basketball coach Rick Barnes.

    Texas Refuses To Hire Reagan; Fears He’ll Nuke Norman

    AUSTIN, TEXAS–Dr. Francisco Gonzales Cigarroa, chancellor of the University of Texas, has told the Houston Chronicle that former president Ronald Reagan has been eliminated from consideration as a replacement for DeLoss Dodds, but refused to say why.

    However, talking under the condition of anonymity, former Longhorn quarterback Colt McCoy’s wife Rachel said, “In a nutshell, they are alarmed Reagan might order a nuclear attack on Norman, Oklahoma, and the University of Texas does not want to be responsible for starting World War III.

    “They didn’t call that boy the ‘Nuclear Cowboy’ for nothing when he was in politics,” said former Texas coach Fred Akers. “All it would take is for Oklahoma to beat the Horns 66-17 again, and Reagan wouldn’t mess around. He’d play hardball! He’d load up a nuke in a heartbeat and send it on over to Norman in a second! With orders to zero in on Bob Stoops!”

    Texas Refuses To Hire Clinton; Fears Bimbo Eruptions

    AUSTIN, TEXAS–The website Gawker.com is reporting that the University of Texas has rejected the resume of former United States president William Jefferson Clinton as a replacement for athletic director DeLoss Dodds.

    “Bill clearly has some ability as evidenced by the fact he had America’s budget balanced for the first time in a generation and that impressed us,” said Texas chancellor Dr. Francisco Gonzales Cigarroa. “But we feel he’s a human resources wild card. We simply can’t afford to have a lot of ‘bimbo eruptions.’ When the Horns are getting ready to head up to Austin to play OU, we can’t afford to be distracted by some Paula Jones coming out of the blue and accusing our athletic director of improprieties. When we are getting ready to go to a bowl game, we need to be rallying behind the Horns, and can’t afford some reporter like Gennifer Flowers claiming she has had a long-time improper relationship with our AD. When Rick Barnes is taking his team to the NCAA Tournament, we can’t afford some intern in our athletic offices like Monica Lewinsky showing everyone samples of her dress. The sanctity of Longhorn women must be preserved!”

    Texas Refuses To Hire Bush; Fears He’ll Start A War With New Mexico

    AUSTIN, TEXAS–Texas governor Rick Perry has told CNN that former United States president George W. Bush has been eliminated from consideration as a replacement for Texas athletic director although he refused to get specific.  

    “Listen, I love Dubya like a brother, but we feel we have to go in another direction,” Perry said in a prepared statement.

    However, Rachel McCoy, wife of former Texas quarterback Colt McCoy, told ESPN Radio the school’s board of regents fears Bush may start a war with New Mexico.

    “They are concerned George might go over to New Mexico, start looking at some of those facilities in Alamogordo, conclude they have weapons of mass destruction over in New Mexico, and order his coaches and athletes into a full-scale war with their neighboring state.”

    McCoy said the Texas administration is much more interested in trying to generate revenue for The Longhorn Network than getting in an all-out war with the state of New Mexico.





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    October 8th, 2013 | Willie | No Comments |

About The Author

Willie Backer

is an award-winning, veteran writer who has chronicled major news and sports events all across america, and is the author of the brand new book " The Legends Son...and the Ultra-competitive World of Alabama Football.

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