When the season started, no one had the Auburn Tigers pegged as a Shakespearean drama that was going to build to a stunning climax. But at the end of November, we might have us a confrontation on the Plains that makes Thermopylae look like a sack race at a company picnic. As Kevin Scarbinsky of the Birmingham News put it, “the mother of all Iron Bowls.” A shootout that will be revisited by future generations in countless films, television programs, adages, literature, songs and, possibly, even video games.
If Alabama and Auburn run the table–and experts like Scarbinsky feel both are quite capable–we will arrive at the 30th of November with a 11-0 Tide team and a 10-1 Tiger team. You’d have to harken back to the days of Pat Sullivan and Johnny Musso to find an Iron Bowl with such national ramifications, and so much on the line. The winner will no doubt beat whoever the East has to offer in the SEC Championship Game and be in a position to play for a national championship.
Give Selina Roberts’ beloved Auburn all the credit for making all this wonderful anticipation possible. Everyone expected Alabama to be a Category Five hurricane this year. But the Tigers have seemed to get drastically better each week and when they went into College Station and sat down at the poker table with Johnny Football and the boys, they had to come away believing they can win any college football confrontation they are involved in. Including the one on November 30th.
If Coach Gus doesn’t end up “Coach of the Year” they ought to throw the award away. What he has done is comparable to pulling four of a kind of half a deck of cards. Virtually everyone suspected if Auburn had a “break even” year that would be progress. But now, he has them bracing for one of the biggest shootouts they ever had on the Plains.
In other unlikely news:
The Grambling Tigers have sure gotten much national publicity over the years, but none like last week when the whole team walked out and boycotted their game with Jackson State, citing the pathetically deteriorating conditions of the program. Everything from 1,500 mile bus trips to moldy uniforms. You know, the Tigers may be on to something here that proves players have more clout than previously believed! Suppose other football teams got up the same kind of courage and started finding items to walk out in protest over. Causing their schools to loose money! Should that happen, here are some of the stories we might be seeing on our sports pages:
COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA–Ron Morris of The State newspaper has reported that the South Carolina football team has met with the chancellor of the university, and told him they will all boycott the Clemson game unless Steve Spurrier is removed as the Gamecocks’ coach.
“The players have a point,” wrote Morris. “They cite the fact that Steve has to be one of the most vain men in the South. He’s so vain, it wouldn’t surprise me if Carly Simon wrote her hit song while watching the Fun’n’ Gun Offense.”
“He’s so vain, we just don’t want to play for him anymore,” said Gamecock quarterback Connor Shaw.
“Son of a gun, that guy is vain,” said Gamecock running back Mike Davis. “Until I got to Columbia, I always thought Carly was referring to Mick Jagger or Warren Beatty. But after playing for the ol’ ball coach, I’m convinced the song has to be about Steve Spurrier.”
“Coach Spurrier makes Cat Stevens seem like a monk,” said Gamecock defensive player Kelcy Quarles. “And we have told the chancellor unless Coach Spurrier is removed, we will boycott the Clemson game.”
LSU cancels Alabama game; Tigers refuse to play for goofy Les!
BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA–Mike Hoss of WWL-TV in New Orleans is reporting that the LSU football team is furious at the demeanor of head coach Les Miles, and after his recent “hammer and nail” tirade have demanded he be removed, or the Tigers will not suit up for a long-anticipated showdown with Alabama.
“Les is a pretty nice guy, but those tirades he goes into are just embarrassing,” said LSU quarterback Zach Mettenberger. “The players at times see that, and wonder if we are playing for Gomer, and Goober, and Barney, and the rest of those goofy clowns on Mayberry RFD.”
“I never said it while I was on scholarship, but I always thought Les was kind of an embarrassment to Louisiana State University,” said Arizona Cardinal defensive back Tyrann Mathieu, who played for LSU from 2010 to 2011. “I can’t blame the players for walking out.”
“We have given athletic director Joe Alleva an irrefutable demand,” said Tigers running back Jeremy Hill. “Either that goober goes or we go!”
Kentucky protests basketball team’s wages!
LEXINGTON, KENTUCKY--Dave Baker of WKYT-TV has reported that the entire Kentucky football team is furious at the inequities between the football and basketball programs at Kentucky, and will boycott the upcoming games with Georgia unless their demands are met.
“It is just not fair,” said Kentucky defensive end Taylor Wyndham. “Coach Calipari pays his guys great money under the table, but we get next to nothing.”
“This is a pretty rediculous argument,” said Kentucky president Eli Capilouto. “Of course the basketball guys are going to get paid much better under the table! It’s all about supply and demand. Both programs make about nine million dollars a year. But basketball only has 12 scholarship guys while football has over 100. So for us to play our football players better, they are going to have to produce more revenue.”
“Plus, I told our guys I’d love to pay them what John is paying his guys, but John just has much bigger slush fund with all the dirty boosters that have been around since the days of the Baron,” said football coach Mark Stoops.
UCLA-Arizona State game cancelled? Players protest too many bikinis in ellay!
WESTWOOD, CALIFORNIA–Entertainment Tonight is reporting that the entire UCLA football has signed a petition and sent it to Chancellor Gene D. Block, demanding the campus be moved to another location because of all the distractions in Los Angeles.
“It’s just too tough for us to concentrate in this environment,” said quarterback Brent Hundley. “With all those voluptuous girls running around in bikinis on all those gorgeous southern California beaches, all those glitzy nightclubs, all those celebrities with coke habits, it just makes it impossible to focus on football.”
“We are recommending they relocate the campus to some place like Starkville, Mississippi,” said defensive player Keenan Graham. “In that kind of environment, with very little to distract you, it’s easy to concentrate. No wonder Dan Mullen likes it there so much!”
ET is reporting that the players plan to boycott the Arizona State game if the UCLA regents to not make plans to move the campus away from sparkling, glittering, wonderful ellay.
Texas A&M walks out; demands Ted Cruz resign!
“The players have let Chancellor John Sharp know that unless Ted Cruz resigns from the United States senate, they will not play for a Texas school,” wrote Cessna.
According to Cessna’s column, the players are furious over the stance Cruz has taken on Obamacare, and are demanding he resign immediately.
“I’m a little indifferent to Obamacare, because I’m a rich kid who can afford top-notch healthcare, but there are other guys on the team who not so fortune, and need this kind of medical coverage,” said Heisman Trophy winning quarterback Johnny Manziel.
“Plus, if Johnny needs money for healthcare purposes he can get it by signing autographs and selling them on the internet,” said Aggie coach Kevin Sumlin. “Other players are not so fortunate, so it may take a heap of talking to keep them from participating in the boycott!”
Ducks walk out; won’t wear “clown suit” uniforms any more!
CORVALLIS, OREGON–The Oregonian newspaper out of Portland has reported that the highly-ranked Oregon Ducks football team will boycott this week’s game with Stanford unless their game apparel is adjusted.
“We’ve been wearing those clown suits all season long, and it’s humiliating,” said Oregon quarterback Marcus Mariota.
“Apparently the players feel like a bunch of frivolous fools wearing those silly uniforms we have,” said Oregon chancellor Melody Rose. “And the latest information I have is that they have indicated they have every intention of boycotting the Stanford game.”
“We are still in the process of negotiating with them,” said Oregon coach Mark Helfrich. “We are trying to impress upon the players they have a chance to win the national championship. And the coaching staff knows it is tough to go out and make a fool out of yourself on national TV wearing clown suits, but there is just too much on the line for them to walk out.”
Miami protests boosters waking them up in their dorm rooms to bring them cash and women!
MIAMI, FLORIDA–Radio station 560 WQAM has reported the Miami football team walked out on a meeting with university president Donna Shalala and have threatened to boycott this week’s game with Florida State if their demands are not met.
“The players are furious that the boosters at Miami are out of control, and the administration does nothing to bring them in line,” said Miami running back Duke Johnson.
560 WQAM sources said boosters will show up at the dorm rooms in the middle of the night with cash and woman for the players. In many cases the players are asleep and the boosters will wake them up, depriving them of sleep. “I’m very proud of the football players for taking a stand,” said Hurricane coach Al Golden. “There is much more to the college experience than money and women and the administration needs to realize that.”
“We are trying to change the mindset brought by boosters like Nevin Shapiro,” said Shalala. “We have told the boosters on more than one occasion to quit showing up at the player’s dorm rooms with money and women, but as I told the players, you don’t just change things like that overnight. And I asked them not to boycott the Florida State game.”
In other football news:
Former Auburn coach Pat Dye was in the national headlines recently when he questioned the NCAA’s appointment of Condi Rice to the College Football Playoff selection committee. The logic was that Condi might know all sorts of stuff about torturing captured terrorists at Guantanamo Bay, but really, what does she know about college football? However, if the NCAA really wanted to get people in Alabama talking about the issue, here are some appointments that would have turned some heads:
1) Debbie Gibson, 1999 Alabama Football Secretary
BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA–Former Auburn football coach Pat Dye told radio station JOX 94.5 FM that he is elated former Alabama football secretary Debbie Gibson has been appointed to the College Football Playoff selection committee, which will be responsible for selecting the four teams that advance to the college football playoff following the 2014 season.
“There’s no question you need an individual on the committee who has demonstrated they have an outstanding rapport with the college coaches and that they can get along with college football coaches,” said Dye. “And Debbie certainly has more credibility there than any other member of the committee.”
“I’m elated to serve on this committee,” said Gibson. “The commissioners of the SEC and Pac-12 told me they wanted someone who could give a different perspective on college football, and they felt I could certainly do that.
2) Eric Ramsey, Former Auburn Defensive Back
MOBILE–Former Auburn football coach Pat Dye told The Mobile Register that he has no reservations about the appointment of Eric Ramsey, one of his former defensive backs, to the College Football Playoff selection committee, which will be responsible for selecting the four teams that advance to the college football playoff following the 2014 season.
“Eric and I may have had our differences in the past, but this is a good solid business selection by the committee,” said Dye. “The committee is going to need a recording secretary that can audio tape and transcribe their meetings, and I think Eric has demonstrated a remarkable ability in this area.”
“Plus, Eric can bring his lovely wife along to give motivational speeches to the committee, when the going gets tough,” said Auburn booster Bill “Corky” Frost.
“But hey, keep it down home, cuz,” said Ramsey.
3) Don Siegelman, 51st Governor of Alabama
MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA–Former Auburn coach Pat Dye expressed optimism to the Montgomery Advertiser on the selection of Don Siegelman to the College Football Playoff selection committee, which will be determining the four teams that will compete in the college football playoff following the 2014 season.
“I certainly think it is a step in the right direction,” said Dye. “Any kind of function in college football at some point and time is going to need someone who has experience in conspiracy and obstruction of justice. And according to an Alabama jury, Don certainly has that.”
“There are several way this could be interpreted,” said former George W. Bush aide Karl Rove. “The way I chose to interpret it is that Alabama is the greatest state for college football in America. So you need a former Alabama governor on the committee.”
Rove added he feels it is only fair that Siegelman be given a furrow from federal prison to attend the game.
4) Albert Means, 1999 Mr. Football in Tennessee
MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE–Former Auburn Coach Pat Dye has told the Memphis Commercial Appeal that he supports the appointment of White Station High School phys ed teacher Albert Means to the College Football Playoff selection committee, which will select the four teams that will compete in the college football playoff following the 2014 season.
“We need guys on that committee who know what it’s like to perform in 110 degree temperatures, and Fat Albert has proven he can do that,” said Dye. “Another thing about Fat Albert: he knows what it is like to play with your handin the dirt.”
However, White Station alumnus and ESPN commentator Paul Finebaum is hoping everything is on the up and up. “There are rumors all over the place that the committee paid the school board in Memphis $200,00 to get Fat Albert on that panel,” said Finebaum. “But so far, Fat Albert has denied it, Fat Albert’s former high school coach has denied it, and Logan Young is no longer around to set the record straight.”
5) Cecil Newton, Pastor of the Holy Zion Center of Deliverance
ATLANTA, GEORGIA– Former Auburn coach Pat Dye has told the Atlanta Constitution he is “chuffed to bits” over the appointment of Cecil Newton to the College Football Playoff selection committee, which will select four teams after the 2014 season to play for a national crown.
“I just couldn’t be happier at the message this send to the youth of our nation,” said Dye. “First off, they are going to have to have someone who can lead the group in a prayer before every meeting, and who better to do that than the lead preacher at the Holy Zion Center of Deliverance?”
But Dye feels the committee will benefit in many ways by having Newton, whose son Cam played for the Tigers several years back. “In this age of fiscal responsibility it is imperative every organization has someone aboard who can negotiate the best possible deal. And if Cecil can negotiate with TV executives as well as he did college coaches and college boosters, the NCAA is going to be rolling in dough!”
6) Milt McGregor, Alabama Political Operative
SHORTER, ALABAMA–Former Auburn coach Pat Dye has told Bob Howell of WSFA-TV in Montgomery that college football made “a grandiose step in the right direction” by naming Shorter businessman Milt McGregor to the College Football Playoff selection committee. This committee will select the four teams that will play for the national championship in 2014.
“You definitely need someone on the committee who has experience rigging bingo machines,” said Dye. “And as Milt proved as his trial, he’s the best to do it and get away with it!”
“Milt brings us on element the NCAA has never had before,” said Jeff Long, chairman of the committee. “We need someone on the committee who has a close association with slot machines. And the stronger we can associate college football with legalized gambling, the better.”
“I just want to leave the world a better place than I found it,” said McGregor. “And until I get my racetrack in Shorter up and running again, college football will give me an avenue to direct my resources, and hopefully make a positive contribution.”
In other unlikely news:
ESPN’s Chris Fowler kind of looked a bit silly awhile back when the Game Day crew was in Seattle, Washington, and Fowler kept reporting over and over that South Carolina’s Jadeveon Clowney was at his team’s game with Arkansas, but did not come over on the team bus. (The cocksure way Fowler reported it, you’d have thought he was driving the bus, and therefore, had firsthand knowledge.) First off, even if Clowney didn’t take the bus (and he did) what’s the big deal? Many times injured players get to the stadium early where there are treatment facilities available not available at the hotel. But Fowler made it seem as if there where cloak and dagger elements in play. (Like maybe Spurrier wouldn’t let him ride the bus) Here are some addendums he could have reported to make the whole situation even more dramatic:
1) Clowney came in a rickshaw driven by Courtney Stodden
“We are now finding out he was not on the team bus, however, he is at the stadium,” said Game Day host Chris Fowler. “For reasons that are not entirely clear to us right now, apparently he rode to the game in a rickshaw that was pulled by television personality Courtney Stodden.”
“People think I’m a predator for doing stuff like this.” said Stodden. “But I am not a predator; I’m a normal human being.”
“Miss Stodden was very professional in her approach,” said Clowney. “And I appreciate her coming by the hotel and getting me, otherwise I would have had to have ridden on the team bus with the rest of those chumps.”
2) Arrived on a Chinese space module
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON–ESPN’s College Game Day is reporting that South Carolina defensive end Jadeveon Clowney did not take the team bus to the stadium for his team’s game with Arkansas, but rather, he arrived on a Chinese spacecraft piloted by actress Sandra Bullock.
“Jadeveon has had some issues to deal with this week, and we don’t know why he wasn’t on the team bus with the rest of the Gamecocks, but we do know he arrived on time and is at the playing venue by virtue of a space apparatus developed by the People’s Republic of China,” said Game Day host Chris Fowler.
“It was very exciting riding on the Shenzhou, and I’d like to thank Miss Bullock for dropping by the hotel and picking me up,” said Clowney.
“Jadeveon was an idea passenger, and it was my pleasure to bring him to the game,” said Bullock.
3) Was given a ride by Joe the Plumber
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON–ESPN has reported that South Carolina star football player Jadeveon Clowney did not take the team bus to his team’s game this afternoon, however he did catch a ride over to Reynolds Razorback Stadium with Joe the Plumber.
“Jadeveon said he needed a ride, and I’m a big believer that if you spread the wealth around it’s good for everyone,” said Joe the Plummer. “So I told him to hop in the car and we’ll drive to the game together.”
ESPN’s Chris Fowler has speculated that Clowney’s recent brushes with Gamecock coach Steve Spurrier may have been a reason Clowney was not on the bus.
“People are making too big a deal out of this,” said Clowney. “It is what it is, and Joe the Plumber and I happen to share many of the same political beliefs, and I really enjoyed driving over to the game with him.”
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON–Chris Fowler of ESPN has reported that South Carolina defensive end Jadeveon Clowney is at Reynolds Razorback Stadium awaiting his team’s game with the University of Arkansas, but curiously, he did not ride of on the team bus with the rest of the Gamecocks.
“We now have additional information that fortifies our original report,” said Fowler. “We are told that Clowney actually hitchhiked to the game with Jessica Dorrell’s little sister.”
“He originally tried to see if Jessica would give a lift,” added ESPN commentator Lee Corso. “But upon realizing Jessica was no longer living in the Fayetteville area, he contacted her little sister.”
Dorrell, however, issued a statement through her attorney claiming she does not have a little sister.
5) Was given a lift by the Arkansas majorettes
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON–ESPN’s Game Day is reporting that South Carolina superstar defender Jadeveon Clowney did not take the team bus to the Gamecocks’ game with South Carolina today, but rather, he rode over with the Arkansas majorettes.
“Jadeveon once told me he always had a deep profound respect for the majorettes,” said ESPN anchor Lee Corso. “He emphasized that anything that combines baton twirling and choreographed dancing and rhythmic gymnastics is something that adds passion to his soul.”
“Jadeveon never mentioned much about that to us,” countered Arkansas majorette Suzy McQueen. “He claimed he didn’t want to ride the bus over to the stadium with the rest of those chumps, and asked if he could jump in the back of our car.”
“The important thing is that he is at the game,” said Game Day anchor Chris Fowler. “How he got there is a platform for another debate.”
6) James Bond lent him his helicopter
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON–The NCAA is looking into any possible institutional violations after ESPN reported last Saturday that South Carolina defensive end Jadeveon Clowney arrived at his game with Arkansas in a helicopter loaned to him by James Bond.
“This was a purely a matter of timing,” said Sean Connery, who played Bond seven films. “The British Secret Service was not utilizing the helicopter this weekend and Jadeveon needed a way to get to the game. So we agreed to let him use is.”
“The way he flew that helicopter into Reynolds Stadium, he may have a future as a stuntman,” said Daniel Craig, who portrayed Bond in the most recent 007 movie, “Skyfall.”
“I am very grateful actors like Connery and Craig are going on the record speaking out,” said ESPN’s Chris Fowler. “Otherwise, people would have thought I just made this up!”
WASHINGTON, D.C–The Pentagon has confirmed a story reported on ESPN’s Game Day, that South Carolina defensive end Jadeveon Clowney parachuted into Reynolds Stadium off a helicopter driven by the 82nd Airborne to get to his game against Arkansas.
“I don’t know the exact particulars, but Spurrier got all bent out of shape at him and wouldn’t let him take the team bus,” said Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel, who signed off on the movement in a last-minute operative. “So we agreed to check with our boys at Fort Bragg and see if they could run a helicopter by Jadeveon’s room in Fayetteville and take him to the game.”
“I’m very grateful to our armed forces for making the commitment,” said Clowney.
“I think ESPN blew this whole thing out of proportion,” said South Carolina head coach Steve Spurrier.
Sneaked in the building under turnstiles
COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA–The University of South Carolina is investigating a report on ESPN’s Game Day that Gamecock defensive lineman Jadeveon Clowney sneaked through turnstiles to get into Reynolds Stadium for his team’s game with Arkansas.
“What is especially disturbing to me is that we have spoken with Jadeveon about this kind of conduct many times,” said South Carolina head football coach Steve Spurrier. “Jadeveon likes to sneak in everywhere like this. He has done it at rock concerts we have had on campus, to basketball games, to the cafeteria. And each time he promises he won’t do it again. And then he does it again!”
“I think Jadeveon has to be given the benefit of the doubt here,” said South Carolina governor Nikki Haley. “Until definitive proof is present that he is indeed guilty, he needs to be presumed innocent. But if he did it, he must pay the price!”
9) Came disguised as UPS driver
COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA–The University of South Carolina has confirmed a report on ESPN that defensive standout Jadeveon Clowney did not ride the team bus over to the stadium this morning, but rather, he showed up disguised as a UPS driver in order to avoid autographed seekers.
“This is right up Jadeveon’s alley,” said Gamecock coach Steve Spurrier. “He told us that his goal in life was to be a UPS driver, so he was able to play the part smoothly.”
“Being a UPS driver is a demanding position,” said Clowney. “It’s a fast-pasted outdoor job the requires a bunch of heavy lifting. You’re got to have great customer service skills and excellent driving skills. It’s a challenge I welcome.”
“Razorback fans were caught totally off guard,” said ESPN’s Chris Fowler. “Jadeveon was so polite, and so responsible about getting his packages delivered on time and in a secure manner, I guess they figured there was no way it could really be Jadeveon Clowney.”
10) Came in Paris Hilton’s limo
FAYETTEVILLE, ARKANSAS–The University of South Carolina is denying a report on ESPN Game Day that star football player Jadeveon Clowney arrived for his game against Arkansas in a limo rented by socialite Paris Hilton.
“Now what would Paris Hilton be doing in Fayetteville, Arkansas?” asked Gamecock coach Steve Spurrier. “That report is likely inaccurate.”
ESPN anchor Chris Fowler has reported the story on three different occasions and is standing by the information he has reported.
“I will agree an explanation has to be addressed as to what Paris would be doing in the state of Arkansas on a Saturday morning, and not hung over in a place like South Beach or Southampton,” said Folwer. “But we have received word that when the limo door opened, there was Paris right on Jadeveon’s lap.”
Hilton did not immediately return phone calls and Clowney said he is not commenting on the report.
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