George Bernard Shaw said there are two great tragedies in life. One, is not getting your heart’s desire. The other is getting it. George never said much about getting it then losing it, but that is the scenario Alabama fans are seemingly looking at. The Tide hires Nick Saban, who has turned the program into the Mongol Hordes of college football, but rumors are Texas is courting him.
The rumors basically stem from the facts that, A) the current Longhorn program is floundering and, B) Texas has the money to go buy any coach it wants. No one knows if the talk is legit or if this is just a canary in a mine shaft, and Nick Saban is powerless to stop rumors but…here are:
22 Actions Nick Saban Could Take To Counteract Texas Rumors:
1) Throw trash in the Rio Grande River
EL PASO, TEXAS–KVIA-TV is reporting tonight that this past weekend Alabama coach Nick Saban threw trash into the Rio Grande River, which is used for drinking water by 95 per cent of the residents in the region.
“This s a clear violation of Texas state law and Matamoras, Mexico city laws,” said Brownsville mayor Emilo Rodrigo Eschevarria. “Hundreds of lawsuits have been filed against maquiladoras who have dumped toxic wastes in the river, so Coach Saban could face civil litigation as well as legal consequences.”
“Nick did not do this to pollute the drinking water,” said radio talk show host Paul Finebaum. “He did it because he realizes the Rio Grande is a real symbol of Texas pride; it represents a dividing line between Texans and the country it fought to gain its freedom from. And by throwing trash in the Rio Grande, he knew he would insult Texans and assure his football team he has no interest in going to Texas!”
2) Claim he rooted for Santa Anna while watching “The Alamo”
SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS–An undisclosed eyewitness has told the San Antonio Express News that he personally witnessed Alabama coach Nick Saban, while at a screening for the movie “The Alamo” starring Billy Bob Thornton, root for eleven-time Mexican president Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna to overrun the iconic Texas fortress under the command of Colonel William Barret Travis and Davy Crockett.
“He kept marveling at the discipline, intensity and killer instinct Santa Anna’s fighting unit demonstrated,” the witness was quoted in the paper as saying.
“I doubt Nick Saban ever took the time to watch ‘The Alamo’ or any other movie,” said radio commentator Paul Finebaum. “But he’s not going to deny this report for a simple reason: he knows Santa Anna represents an evil figure to most Texans. And to position himself where he rooted for the Mexican dictator, would insult many in Texas. And he wants to do that to show members of the Birmingham media that he was no interest in taking a job in Texas.”
3) Wear “Willie Nelson Sucks” Shirts on the sidelines
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–Alabama athletic director Bill Battle has announced that Crimson Tide football coach Nick Saban will wear a “Willie Nelson Sucks” t-shirt on the sidelines each Saturday for the rest of the season.
“Mack Brown has really put us in a preposterous situation,” said Battle. “He’s losing his ass in Austin, the building tsunami is going to be too much for DeLoss Dodds to overcome, there is going to be tremendous pressure on him to hire the best coach in the country, and let’s face it, that’s Nick.”
Battle said he’s hoping wearing a “Willie Nelson Sucks” t-shirt will curb any unsettling chaos that could distract the Tide the rest of the season. “Willie is the outward manifestation of all that Texans think is wonderful,” said Battle. “And by calling Willie out, Tide players will be assured Nick will never go to Texas.”
4) Protest the death penalty
AUSTIN, TEXAS–The University of Alabama has announced that head football coach Nick Saban will participate in a march with the Texas Coalition to Abolish the Death Penalty at the start of next week.
However radio commentator Paul Finebaum, while appearing on ESPN’s Game Day show, hinted that Saban may have ulterior motives. “Nick knows that capital punishment has been a staple of Texas life since the mid 1800′s,” said Finebaum. “Those people pride themselves on having a no-nonsense law and order state. And Nick knows by protesting against the death penalty, it will offend Texans and send a message to the Alabama faculty that he has no intention of leaving the Tide for the Horns.”
5) Equate LBJ to Dumbo the Elephant
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–Doug Segrest, a political science student at the University of Alabama, has told ABC 33/40 out of Birmingham that Alabama Crimson Tide coach Nick Saban made an appearance before his Perspectives on Vietnam class, and equated former former United States president Lyndon Baines Johnson to Dumbo the Elephant, a fictional animal created by Walt Disney Productions who was cruelly ridiculed for his big ears and limited intelligence.
“He said that LBJ not only had big ears like Dumbo, but his war strategy in Vietnam was very Dumbo-like,” said Segrest. “He said LBJ lost Vietnam for us which was worse than Texas losing to BYU.”
“Nick just said that to win the hearts of the student body at Alabama,” reasoned radio talk show host Paul Finebaum. “He knows LBJ is a Texas icon, he knows making deprecating remarks about LBJ would offend Texans, and he just used the political science class as a platform to assure Tide students he has no intention of leaving Tuscaloosa for Austin.”
6) Go to a George Strait Concert and boo
AMARILLO, TEXAS–Lee Baker of KVII-TV in Amarillo, Texas has reported that Alabama coach Nick Saban recently attended a George Strait concert at the Amarillo Civic Center, and actually booed the legendary Texas singer most of the show.
“He really got out of control when George played, ‘All My Exes Live In Texas.’” said Baker. “He was booing so hard I thought his eyes might pop out!”
“I really doubt Nick has ever been to Amarillo, Texas,” said ESPN radio host Paul Finebaum. “But it wouldn’t surprise me if he planted a rumor he was up there in Amarillo booing Mr. Strait, just because he knows a generation of Texans grew up on George, and this would be a good way to offend them. Than, he can turn to Tide booster clubs everywhere from Mobile to Florence and say, ‘Hey, would I be up in Amarillo booing George Strait if I intended on leaving Alabama to take a job at the University of Texas?’”
7) Moonlight as a “coyote”
HARLINGEN, TEXAS–Dallas Smith, regional director for the United States Border Patrol, a federal agency which sets regulations for the admission of foreign-born aliens into the United States, has identified Alabama coach Nick Saban as a person of interest in a smuggling operation the USBP is investigating on the southern border of Texas.
“It’s hard to believe that as much money as they pay Nick at Alabama he’d be moonlighting as a ‘coyote,’ but we do have reliable sources on both sides of the border who have indicated Nick is indeed involved in sneaking illigal immigrants into the country,” said Smith. “But, in this economy, maybe he needs the money!”
“This seems completely out of character for Nick,” said radio talk show host Paul Finebaum. “And if he is involved, he is not involved because he needs the money, but because he needs to send a message to Alabamians that he is not going to work in Texas. Nick knows illegal immigration is a huge problem in a border state like Texas. And by moonlighting as a coyote he can look at the Alabama Board of Trustees and say, ‘Hey, if I loved Texas so much, would I be working my butt off sneaking illegal immigrants into the state?’”
Claim “The Last Picture Show” was the worst movie ever made
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA–‘The American Film Institute says it is confused by a comment University of Alabama football coach Nick Saban recently made on Jox 94.5 FM Radio, claiming that “The Last Picture Show” has to be the worst movie ever made.
“We ranked that movie one of the best 100 films of all time,” said a spokesman for the institute. “It is culturally, historically and esthetically one of the most significant portrayals of the society we live in, accurately portraying the challenges of small-town America.”
“Nick is just jacking the chains of Texans,” said ESPN radio personality Paul Finebaum. “He knows the film is a beloved institution to Texans, underscoring the wonderful camaraderie in a small Texas community. And Nick knows by saying the picture stinks, it will get a rise out of Texans as well as get Alabama fans believing he’s never go to rural Texas to work, although Austin isn’t as rural as it was once was! If Mack Brown had defeated Ole Miss, I’ll bet Nick would have never made the remark!”
9) Claim Lone Star Beer tastes like urine
FORT WORTH, TEXAS–Adolphus Busch, president and CEO of the Pabst Brewing Company which produces Lone Star Beer, has issued a statement asking for an apology from Ababama football coach Nick Saban, who was quoted last Monday at the Montgomery Quarterback Club saying he “never drinks Lone Star beer because it tastes like p – - s.”
“We have perfected our product over the years with the finest brewing techniques in the industry, and we would never include urine in our ingredients,” Busch said in a prepared statement for the Fort Worth Star Telegram.
“My understanding is Nick doesn’t even drink alcohol,” said radio commentator Paul Finebaum. “But I know why Nick made the statement. He knows that Texans love Lone Star Beer and by making a cut at Lone Star Beer, he is also taking a cut at the culture of Texas. And being that there is all of this talk about Mack Brown getting fired and Texas replacing him with Nick, the smartest thing Nick could do to assure Alabama fans he is not going to Texas, is to deprecate Texas culture. And what better way to deprecate Texas culture than to say in public that Lone Star Beer tastes like p – - s.?”
10) Appear on “Meet The Press” with Colt McCoy’s wife to talk about improprieties in Longhorn football
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–According to David Gregory, narrator of NBC’s Sunday morning news talk show Meet the Press, Alabama coach Nick Saban will appear on a special edition of the show with Colt McCoy’s wife, to discuss how out of control Texas Longhorn boosters are.
“Rachel McCoy presented some blockbuster information to ESPN Radio about how underhanded Texas Longhorn boosters are awhile back,” said Gregory. “She really outlined what a sleazy crew they are, and Nick offered to get on our program with Rach to not only talk about how sleazy Longhorn fans are, but to wonder why the university administration has no checks and balances in place to keep them in line.”
“Nick is just showboating for the Alabama nation,” said radio talk show host Paul Finebaum. “He knows Texas doesn’t break any more rules than anyone else, but by getting on Meet the Press with Rach, and talking about how blatantly Texas breaks the rules, he can create this image for Alabama fans that he would never leave to go to Texas.”
11) Join a conservation group that opposes oil drilling
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA–Michael Brune, the executive president of the Sierra Club, a grassroots environmentalist group which opposed oil drilling, has announced that Alabama football coach Nick Saban has been named its official spokesperson and will make an appearance on the Rainforest Action Network next Tuesday.
“We are glad Nick realizes the importance of responsible use of our nation’s ecosystems and resources,” said Brune.
However, radio commentator Paul Finebaum feels the appointment is an effort by Saban to stymie interest he might have in coaching the Texas Longhorns. “Nick knows how important oil drilling is to the state of Texas,” he said. “And he just wants to give the appearance to Alabama fans he is anti-Texas.”
12) Make commercials for solar energy
BRIDGETOWN, BARBADOS–Solar Dynamics, a prominent solar energy company which installed over 30,000 solar hot water systems in the Carribean area last year, has announced that Alabama coach Nick Saban will appear in several commercials endorsing its product.
“I think Nick realizes that fossil fuels are on the way out, and solar energy is the wave of the future,” said Barbados businessman Branford Tait.
“This is nothing more than a ploy by Saban to convince Alabama fans he is anti-Texan,” said radio commentator Paul Finebaum. “Saban knows oil is the backbone of the Texas economy, and for him to be making commercials for solar energy companies would offend many Texas who are dependent upon the oil industry flourishing.”
13) Insist he needs medical aid every time he eats at a Texas Steakhouse
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–University of Alabama coach Nick Saban, in an interview with Cecil Hurt of the Tuscaloosa News, claimed that every time he eats at a Texas steakhouse he ends up having to be rushed to the hospital to get his stomach pumped.
“The quality of the cuisine at those Texas steakhouses is just brutal,” said Saban. “And the conditions in their kitchens is downright primitive. Those buzzards must be one step ahead of the health department!”
However, Paul Finebaum of ESPN said he feels Saban just made the remark to deflect attention from the fact that the University of Texas, whose athletic revenue tops 150 million dollars a year, may be targeting Saban as their next head coach. “Nick can’t act as if he is even thinking about leaving Alabama,” said Finebaum. “This way, he can keep telling the players all year long, ‘Why would I want to go to Texas? I barf every time I eat at their steakhouses!’”
14) Accuse Darrell Royal of having a fling with Kristin Shepard
MOBILE, ALABAMA–The Mobile Register is reporting that University of Alabama football coach Nick Saban, while speaking to the Mobile Rotary Club this week, intimated that former Texas Longhorn coach Darrell Royal had an extramarital affair with Kristin Shepard, the seductive vixen on the TV series Dallas, who ended up being the scoundrel who shot J.R. Ewing.
“This is complete nonsense,” said renowned ESPN analysis Paul Finebaum. “Nick only said that because he knows Darrell Royal is a state treasure in Texas. And by putting Darrell on the hook like that, it takes pressure off Nick. Whenever anyone in the state asks him if he is leaving Alabama for Texas, he can conveniently say, ‘Would I get up before the Mobile Rotary Club and mock the beloved Darrell Royal if I was going to Texas?’”
15) Insist Tom Landry was in on the JFK Assassination
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–University of Alabama head football coach Nick Saban, while speaking with Tom Roberts on his weekly radio show, implicated former Dallas Cowboys coach Tom Landry on the John Kennedy assassination.
“People are going to say I’ve gone nuts,” said Saban, “but I have friends in the coaching business who saw Coach Landry that weekend at Dealey Plaza, at the Texas School Book Depository, at the Grassy Knoll and in the parking lot of one of Jack Ruby’s nightclubs. And he was never questioned by the Warren Commission? The problem is that forensic science and detective detection devices had yet to be created and Coach Landry was so new to Dallas at the time, no one recognized him.”
“This is insane,” said legendary radio commentator Paul Finebaum. “As thoroughly as the JFK assassination was investigated, someone would have stumbled upon Tom Landry’s involvement if there had been any. I think Nick just said it because he knows many Texans still revere Coach Landry as the outward manifestation of sportsmanship and class, and by vilifying him, Nick can show Alabama fans he’s never going to be working in Texas!”
16) Make deprecating remarks about the cattle industry
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA–Alabama football coach Nick Saban, while speaking with Tom Roberts on his weekly radio show, was highly critical of the cattle industry, claiming it could cause environmental disasters of which the world as never seen.
However, ESPN radio talk show host Paul Finebaum thinks Saban’s claims are unfounded. “A lot of this, believe it it not, stems from the fact that Mack Brown is stinking it up at the University of Texas, and some people have estimated Texas is prepared to offer Nick as much as ten million dollars a year to coach the Longhorns. And Nick knows how vital the livestock industry is to Texas. So by challenging the livestock industry, he can send a message to his current Alabama team that he has no interest in going to Texas and getting in the middle of all those goofy cows.”
17) Claim Blue Bell Ice Cream causes leukemia
Atlanta, Georgia–Alabama football coach Nick Saban, while speaking to the Atlanta Touchdown Club, claims he refuses to let his family eat Blue Bell Ice Cream, because the health dangers involved are downright scary.
“Like a lot of dairy products, Blue Bell is derived from animals, and dairy products are a contributing cause of leukemia in young American children,” said Saban. “All the additives and synthetic hormones it contains are unhealthy and all the chemical sweeteners can cause cancer.”
However, Paul Finebaum of ESPN claims Saban is just grandstanding to let Alabamians know he has no interest in the Texas job. “Blue Bell Ice Cream has its main creamery in Texas, has been a Texas treat since 1907, and is so popular with Texans that George Bush actually had it shipped to Camp David during his administration. And Nick knows by downgrading a wonderful Texas product, it will minimize talk that he might ever go to Texas, allowing the Crimson Tide to focus on a third straight national championship.”
18) Let Johnny Football out of “The Triangle”
COLLEGE STATION, TEXAS–Nick may take a little grief from those who like to give grief over his remarks in a national TV interview before the Texas A&M game, showing unsound geometry skills, by referring to a football field as a “triangle.”
But make no mistake about it, Alabama called a flawless game, figuring a way to contain Johnny Football just enough to get a commanding lead and then, hold on at the end. Many Bama fans were hoping the Tide would give Manziel the Tim Tebow treatment, and while they did find a way to win, they hardly reduced Johnny Football to a some Vegas headliner whose entertainment value substantially dropped and wound up in a lounge singing for the two drink minimum.
Manziel threw for 464 yards and five touchdowns, ran for another 98 yards, but the Tide did figure out a way to keep Johnny in the triangle just enough to get out of College Station with a win and probably taught Johnny a good lesson: threw into triple coverage against the Tide, and they’re gonna preside at your funeral.
19) Claim Gilley’s Nightclub was a front for Muslim terrorists
PASADENA, TEXAS–Alabama coach Nick Saban, while in Houston recruiting, told members of the Texas High School Coaches Association that while he can not prove it, he is positive that Gilley’s Nightclub, which achieved international fame after the popularity of the movie “Urban Cowboy,” was actually a front for Muslim terrorist activity which took place in the United States during the early 80′s, everything from kidnappings to extorsions to hijackings.
“I’m not saying Mickey Gilley was in any way involved with al Qaeda,” said Saban, “because I doubt he was. But the infrastructure of the club and the clientele it served was such, it was a perfect cover for for that kind of activity al Qaeda promoted.”
“This is pure nuts,” said radio personality Paul Finebaum. “I’m sure Nick said that because he knows what a monumental landmark Gilley’s Nightclub is for Texans. After the popularity of the movie “Urban Cowboy” every Texan made a point to visit Gilley’s. And Nick is aware making slanderous remarks about Gilley’s would offend Texans. This way, when people like Garry Drummond and Paul Bryant Jr. ask him if he’s leaving Alabama for Texas, he can easily say, ‘Hey, would I be insulting Gilley’s Nightclub if I were going to Texas?’”
20) Claim Buddy Holly was a KGB spy
MOSCOW, RUSSIA–Former Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin told The Moscow News he is furious at recent remarks by Alabama coach Nick Saban claiming that Buddy Holly, a Texas singer/song writer who is regarded as the pioneer of rock and roll, was actually a spy for the KGB.
In a column written by Kevin Scarbinsky in the Birmingham News, Saban said, “That plane crash Holly died in was a sham. He was working for the KGB as a Cold War spy, the Kremlin got paranoid he knew too much about the Communist Party and could take them down, so Nikita Khrushchev ordered his death.”
“I came up through the ranks in the KGB,” countered Putin. “I can assure you Buddy Holly never worked for the agency! I think it’s just one of those deals where Saban knows Buddy Holly and the Crickets are a sacred entity in Texas, and Saban is pulling a coup. He wants to desecrate a sacred Texas entity to appease his Alabama fan base. Plant the seeds that he’ll never go to Texas even if DeLoss Dodds offers him ten million dollars a year!”
21) Insist the Fort Worth Stockyards was a haven for flappers
FORT WORTH, TEXAS–Alabama coach Nick Saban, while speaking before the TCU Alumni Association, said he has always appreciated the rich history of Fort Worth, always agreed it was, “the Gateway to the West” but insists the Fort Worth Stockyards was actually a house of ill repute masquerading as a livestock center and was crawling with prostitutes all throughout the Roaring Twenties.
“There were millions of cattle, sheep and hogs slaughtered and sold here, but there was much more to it than that,” said Saban. “The railroad came though, making the Fort Worth Stockyards pivotal in the sale of livestock all throughout the region, but the railroad brought in more than cattle buyers. Flappers came from all over the country, and pretty soon they were the main product for sale at the Stockyards.”
“This has to be the most historically inaccurate statement I have ever heard of,” said Dr. Gerald Johnson of the United State Historical Sites Society. “Nothing of this nature ever happened at the Fort Worth Stockyards. The Fort Worth Stockyards are one of the most treasured prizes in Texas history. Nick Saban knows that and he’s just making statements like this to give the impression to Alabama football fans he’d never consider going to Texas, when the fact of the matter is, if offered enough money, he’ll be heading towards Cow Town.”
22)Lose a game of high stakes poker to Johnny Football
COLLEGE STATION, TEXAS–Nick Saban, the supposed high priest of defense had a year to prepare for Johnny Football, and actually a week off before the game. And Johnny Football still torched him for five touchdowns and close to 600 yards. Yet Saban still figured out a way to survive. Private Ryan couldn’t survive any better than Saint Nick, who not only has Alabama right on target for a third straight national title, but has all of college football wondering if he actually came down Mount Sinai with stone tablets in his hands. He did indeed get in a high stakes poker match with Johnny Football and the longshoreman figured out a way to get the best of the movie star. Here are just a few comments from around the country on this feat: The Los Angeles Times, “It was a terrific game and a grand theater…the SEC is great because it’s great but also because it knows how to adjust the narrative as the season goes along.” CBS Sports, “Manziel might get another Heisman; Bama might win another title.” The Sporting News, ” There is nothing left (to prove) right now. Everything else is anticlimactic at this point. Nick Saban has won national championships, and redefined success in college football’s most dominant and destructive conference.” The New York Post, “The Alabama football program Nick Saban built has accomplished an astounding share of phenomenal feats…but Saturday, the Crimson Tide arguably, turned in their most unbelievable feat: Alabama managed to offset a sensational, Heisman Trophy-worthy performance by Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel…to survive with a 49-42 win that begs for a rematch.” ESPN.com, “But you might want to rub your eyes before processing this next statistic: Alabama gave up 628 yards of total offense…and still managed to win the game.” SI.com, “Not only would the two-time defending national champions emerge victorious, but they did so in a back-and-forth offensive shootout unlike any Nick Saban-coached Alabama team has ever experienced.”
High stakes poker and Nick won. Would the University of Texas shell out the earth, moon and stars for such an individual?
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