You’d just about have to go back to MGM Studios in the late thirties when Scarlett and Rhett were cavorting about the silver screen to find a couple that has captivated the Deep South like the courtship of former Miss Alabama Katherine Webb and current Tide quarterback A.J. McCarron. The public’s romance with this public romance caught fire when ABC’s cameras shot a cutaway of Webb last January, while its on-air talent talked about her with a platonic lust normally reserved for Greek goddesses. And then, like Lana Turner getting discovered in Schwab’s Drugstore, Webb’s career exploded everywhere from Sports Illustrated’s glossy pages to Donald Trump‘s vivid imagination. How big has this couple become?
Why don’t we put it this way, when a celebrity gossip site reported they had broken up, the internet just about blew up, with everyone from FOX News to the New York Post picking up on the story as it rippled seismically across America. The report was quickly denied, leaving many to speculate it was a publicity stunt generated by Scarlett and Rhett themselves in an effort to remain relevant on center stage. But if it was a publicity stunt, it was a publicity stunt which all but touched Wall Street trading and policy making on Capitol Hill. It’s scary to think of how quickly this phenomenon would move if the couple started planting rumors of breakups and kiss-and-tell stories their adoring public seems insatiable for.
With that in mind, here are some blockbuster stories that would no doubt change civilization as we know it if Katherine and A.J. really wanted to mesmerize the paying customers:Reasons for the breakup:
A.J. wore a Houndstooth Hat during Carnal Knowledge
BURBANK, CALIFORNIA–Access Hollywood is reporting tonight that beauty queen and model Katherine Webb and Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron have broken up and are no longer a couple.
“Apparently the relationship has been on the rocks for sometime,” said AH reporter Michelle Beadle. “Apparently, A.J. likes to wear a houndstooth hat during carnal knowledge, in spite of repeated warnings not to.”
“Katherine is an old-fashioned country girl with some real values and morals, and she sees no need to put up with this nonsense the rest of her life,” said Alabama governor Robert J. Bentley.
“I’m very disappointed in A.J.” said Alabama coach Nick Saban. “We warn our players about this kind of stuff all the time, hoping it will sink in.”
Katherine wore Combat Boots during Carnal Knowledge
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–RadarOnline has posted an article on its site tonight claiming that highly extenuating circumstances have forced former Miss Alabama Katherine Webb and Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron to end their relationship.
“I’m hesitant to comment, but I will say if Webb was shuckin’ and jivin’ like that, Mr. McCarron had every reason to dump her,” said TNT commentator Charles Barkley, himself and Auburn grad.
“I have to believe this story is fabricated,” said Auburn coach Gus Malzahn. “This is way out of character for Katherine, so I have to believe this information was made up by some Alabama fans in an attempt to make Auburn people look like a bunch of hicks.”
Katherine was mesmerized by Midget Wrestling
NEW YORK, NEW YORK– Page Six of the New York Post is reporting this morning that Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron and his beauty queen girlfriend Katherine Webb have split up, apparently because of Webb’s infatuation with midget wrestling.
“Kat just loved that stuff, and it was apparently taking just too much of A.J.’s time,” said celebrity gossip reporter Perez Hilton. “He was having to take her to the wrestling matches all the time, which was cutting down on his film study for upcoming opponents.”
The Alabama State Attorney General’s office said it has heard the report, is currently investigating it, and will have a joint statement with Auburn University and the University of Alabama later in the day.
A.J. was enamored with Golden Girls
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–Celebrity website Gawker reported this morning that Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron and Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Katherine Webb have ended their relationship, apparently because of McCarron’s predilection with the sitcom “Golden Girls.”
“Our understanding is that A.J. spends hours on end watching reruns of the show, which can be seen in syndication on several cable outlets in the Tuscaloosa area,” said Alabama state senator Richard Shelby. “The show was taking away from the quality time Katherine was hoping to spend with A.J., leading her to reevaluate his importance for her.”
“Katherine has decided to move on,” said Webb’s mother. “She is trying to stay busy making deluxe chicken sandwiches at the Chick-fil-A in Columbus, Georgia and get the rest of her life underway.”
Katherine cheated on A.J. with Uncle Si from “Duck Dynasty”
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–TMZ, a celebrity news website owned by Time Warner, has reported the romance between Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron and his model girlfriend Katherine Webb came to an abrupt end late last night, when McCarron got some irrefutable evidence that Webb had cheated on him with reality TV show character Si Robertson of “Duck Dynasty.”
“Uncle Si is a great storyteller and apparently Katherine got interested on all the tales he told about fighting the Vietnamese in the Mekong Delta,” the site reported.
“If Kat had cheated with someone like Tom Brady or Tom Cruise I think A.J. might have been more understanding,” said Alabama head coach Nick Saban. “But to cheat on him with Uncle Si from Duck Dynasty is something he found completely unacceptable, and felt he had no choice but to discontinue the relationship.”
A.J. cheated on Kat with Miss Uzbekistan
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA–Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron and his longtime beauty queen girlfriend Katherine Webb have broken up, according to the daily tabloid entertainment show Entertainment Tonight.
“This one really turned out to be a mess,” said ET reporter Rob Marciano. “Apparently Miss Uzbekistan was flying back from the Miss World competition in Indonesia to Tashkent, and for some reason she had a stop over in Northport, Alabama. Well, somehow A.J. hooked up with her, somehow Katherine found out about it, and immediately decided never to see A.J. again!”
“This is a typical move by an Alabama quarterback, if you ask me,” said former Auburn quarterback Stan White, who currently serves as the color commentator for the Auburn Network. “A.J. knew Miss Uzbekistan had little credibility left after the fraud disaster at the Miss World competition, he knew if she ever said anything about A.J. no one would believe her, so he took advantage of the situation. Why does this not surprise me?”
Kat kept sending glamor pictures to Brent Musburger
NEW YORK, NEW YORK--The New York Times is reporting that through “proven, sustainable technologies” Halliburton Oilfield Services has proven that former Miss Alabama Katherine Webb has sent multiple “questionable” photographs to network sportscaster Brent Musburger, which has caused the breakup of her union with Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron.
“I think Halliburton has proven itself a technical leader that is outstanding in its field, and we find this information to be credible,” said Halliburton chairman of the board David Lesar.
Musburger, reached at his home in Montana, claimed the photos were “no more provocative than any Google search will dredge up on Kat,” adding, “Hey, if it weren’t for me, she be serving fast food, not starring in fast food commercials. I’ve got her hitting in the same league as Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton! Don’t I deserve a payback?”
A.J. kept sending autographs to Betty White
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA–A website called The Hollywood Gossip is reporting that A.J. McCarron, star quarterback of the defending national champions Alabama, and girlfriend Katherine Webb have gone their separate ways, and the breakup was caused by an overwhelming amount of autographed pictures McCarron sent to actress Betty White.
“Our witnesses have produced records to show A.J. has sent Betty over 4,000 autographed pictures,” said NCAA president Mark Emmert. “This is something we clearly have to look into and, we’re not fooling around, we may end up suspending him for the first half of the Chattanooga game.”
“I really would like to see A.J. justify sending over 4,000 autographed pictures to a woman he’s not even related to,” said Alabama Republican Wells Griffith. “And I wholeheartedly endorse Kat’s decision to send A.J. packing!”
Kat wanted to take Aubie on the Honeymoon
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–Radar Online is not only standing by its story that Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron has busted up with girlfriend Katherine Webb, it has also posted a follow up story explaining why.
“Katherine has made it clear from the start, if the couple were to ever marry, she wants Aubie to accompany them on their honeymoon, and A.J. just would not buy into that one and ended the relationship,” said the report on Radar Online. It added, “This has been an Auburn tradition for years. Charles Barkley, Bo Jackson and Tim Hudson have all taken Aubie on their honeymoons.”
Auburn trustee chairman Jimmy Rane said he had no knowledge of Auburn grads taking Aubie on their honeymoons.
Jackson and Hudson could not be reached for comment but Barkley, reached at his home in Phoenix, Arizona, vehemently denied taking Aubie on his honeymoon, adding, “If Aubie ever showed up at my honeymoon suit, I’d kick his ass so hard it would turn around!”
A.J. had a fling with Shelly Zimmerman
BURBANK, CALIFORNIA–Access Hollywood, using unnamed sources, has reported that hamburger spokesman Katherine Webb has broken up with Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron upon finding out McCarron had a fling with Shelly Zimmerman, estranged wife of neighborhood watch captain George Zimmerman.
“A.J. must really be into high profile women,” reasoned University of Alabama chancellor Dr. Robert W. Witt. “And as best I can figure, Shelly unexpectedly became available, and A.J. just couldn’t resist her.”
“A.J. clearly used some poor judgement,” said Alabama lieutenant governor Kay Ivey. “And it is a shame he let a moment of weakness ruin his relationship with Katherine.”
“Hopefully Katherine is big enough to forgive and forget,” said Alabama state senator Jeff Sessions. “All relationships suffer ups and downs, and I am praying that Kat and A.J. can overcome this serious lapse in judgement.”
Kat had a secret crush on Harvey Updyke
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS–The Chicago Tribune is reporting this morning that former Miss Alabama Katherine Webb, a former student at Auburn University, had a secret crush on convicted tree killer Harvey Updyke, leading to her breakup with Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron.
“She could not admit it publically, but she just thought Harvey rocked,” the paper reported. “And A.J. McCarron, just could not handle the fact that Harvey clearly had won Kat’s heart.”
“This comes as a complete shock to me,” said Auburn athletic director Jay Jacobs. “Katherine is the pride of Auburn, and to think she would hold Harvey in such high regard is more disappointment than I can handle.”
“You have to consider the source,” said Auburn quarterback Nick Marshall. “I wonder if Katherine really did jive with Harvey, or if A.J. is just saying that to make Katherine look like a malicious traitor in the eyes of Auburn fans?”
A.J. skyped with “Destiny,” the Pensacola stripper who did in Mike Price
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA–The popular celebrity gossip website PerezHilton.com is reporting that Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron will regularly Skype with “Destiny,” the Pensacola stripper whose accounts of former Alabama coach Mike Price’s behavior at a Florida strip club eventually led to Price’s dismissal as Alabama head coach. This has led to the breakup of McCarron and Katherine Webb, a high-profile couple since last year’s BCS championship game.
“McCarron tried to convince Katherine Webb he was ‘just friends’ with Destiny,” according to the website. “But the fact that A.J. is from Mobile, not far from Pensacola, made things seem a little too sketchy for Kat.”
“A.J. discussed this with the Alabama media all the time, and it sounded very much above board, ” said Alabama radio host Jay Barker, himself a former Alabama quarterback. “The fact of the matter is anything the Alabama quarterback does is going to get in the news, but in this situation, I think the intentions were very honorable.”Now, if the couple were to break up, here are some “kiss-and-tell” type stories they could plant that would really get the internet percolating:
Kat regularly goes shopping on Rodeo Drive with Brynn Cameron
BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA–The Los Angeles Times, relying on information provided by Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron, has learned that Katherine Webb, who is the latest model featured in Carl’s Jr. hamburger commercials, spends an overwhelming amount of her time in southern California shopping at luxury stores in Beverly Hills with former USC basketball player Brynn Cameron.
“I don’t think people should try to turn this into any big deal,” said former USC football coach Pete Carroll. “I think Kat is just spending some time with Brynn so she can get some advice on how one handles going out with a high profile athlete.”
“It is what it is,” said Los Angeles Clippers coach Doc Rivers. “Many women look up to Brynn because she collects about $50,000 a month in child support by virtue of having kids with Matt Leinart and Blake Griffin. And I imagine any girl would like to find out what Brynn’s secret is towards happiness and a wonderful life!”
A.J. called Nick Saban “Captain Barbossa” behind his back
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–Star Magazine, in an exclusive interview with the former girlfriend of A.J. McCarron, is reporting that McCarron thinks Alabama coach Nick Saban is a psychotic nut and used to call him “Captain Barbossa” behind his back.
“Everytime A.J. took me to one of those Pirates of the Carribean movies, anytime Hector Barbossa appeared, A.J. would always nudge me and say, ‘There’s Coach Saban!’” model Katherine Webb is quoted in the publication as saying.
“I find it hard to believe A.J. would say such a thing,” said Alabama assistant coach Doug Nussmeier.
“I think she made it up because she is upset at the breakup, and she is hoping Coach Saban will make A.J. do 500 pushups after practice today,” said Alabama assistant coach Burton Burns.
Katherine thinks Donald Trump is a nerd
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–The website Gawker.com has broken a blockbuster story which alleges Katherine Webb, the former girlfriend of Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron, thinks that business magnate Donald Trump is a nerd.
“Kat always told me she found it highly unusual the way the dude conducts himself,’ the website quotes McCarron as saying. “She would never admit it publically, but she always thought Donald Trump was the biggest nerd in the universe.”
“I resent her saying I was married to a nerd for 15 years,” said Trump’s former wife Ivana Trump.
“I think she nailed it,” said Marla Maples, Trump’s second wife.
“What it all boils down to, is A.J. is mad Kat dumped him, and she is just saying that because she is hoping The Donald will dump Kat from all his projects, which could cost Kat millions over the long haul,” said Republican Michelle Bachmann, who said she would consider Trump as her vice president if she got nominated for president.
Kat reveals excessive steroid use by Alabama players
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–In a shocking revelation, Katherine Webb, the former girlfriend of Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron, has told US Magazine that as many as ninety five percent of the Tide football team that won the national championship tested positive for illegal anabolic steroids.
“I can’t say I’m shocked by this,” said former Auburn coach Gene Chizik. “I always wondered why those Alabama guys were so big and strong and fast.”
“I think it took a lot of courage for Kat to come forth and reveal this,” said former Tennessee coach Derek Dooley. “But the truth will set her free.”
“Alabama always struck me as the kind of outfit that would try to get an illegal competitive edge, and Kat’s testimony fortifies my position,” said former USC coach Lane Kiffin.
Alabama coach Nick Saban said he would have no public comment on the matter and that the issue would be investigated internally.
A.J. reveals excessive Preparation H use by Miss America contestants
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–In a shocking revelation, A.J. McCarron, the former boyfriend of Miss Alabama Katherine Webb, has told US Magazine that as many as ninety five percent of the contestants in the Miss America pageant used Preparation H the day of the contest.
The current Miss America, Nina Davuluri of New York, refused to comment on Preparation H use by Miss American contestants but did say, “Why is A.J. making such a big deal of this? There is no scientific evidence that Preparation H gives anyone a competitive advantage in a beauty contest.”
“I agree with Nina,” said former Miss America Gretchen Carlson, currently a FOX News anchor. “It’s not like the job of Miss America contestants is to blow up linebackers or bull rush quarterbacks! And even if it was, how is Preparation H going to give anyone some sort of competitive edge?”
Alabama coach Nick Saban said he would have no public comment on the matter except to say the issue would not be investigated internally.
Kat hospitalized after eating a Carl’s Jr. Burger
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA–The National Enquirer is reporting that model Katherine Webb had to be rushed to the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center and have an emergency gastric lavage performed on her after eating a Buffalo Blue Cheese Burger at Carl’s Jr.
“She really thinks burgers at Carl’s Jr. are gross, the worst hamburger on the market,” said Webb’s former boyfriend A.J. McCarron. “The content they found after they pumped her stomach is stuff she couldn’t even begin to describe.”
Hospital staffer Louis Ignarro, who won the Noble Peace Prize for his discovery of nitric acid, said hospital policy is to refuse comment on any of its patients, since private medical records of other high-profile patients, including Maria Shriver and Farrah Fawcett, were breached.
“But don’t believe everything you read,” he tweeted.
A.J. regularly watches “Gossip Girl”
“If he could enroll at Constance Billiard School he’d drop out of the University of Alabama tomorrow,” said McCarron’s former girlfriend, model Katherine Webb. “His version of paradise would be to hang out with Serena and Blair and Nate and the crew.”
Alabama coach Nick Saban was furious when questioned about the report at his weekly press conference. “We have a schedule to play and a national championship to defend, so I have no time to talk about Gossip Girl,” he said. “It’s obvious Kat is just feeding those celebrity gossip news outlets a bunch of garbage in a predetermined effort to make A.J. look like a dork!”
Kat took driver ed with Zachary Burgess
BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA–The New Orleans Picayune is reporting in its morning edition that former Miss Alabama Katherine Webb was in the same driver education class with Zach Burgess, the Auburn lacrosse player who was recently arrested in Baton Rouge for stealing a car, holding a woman hostage and, in an attempt to see what it was really like to play Grand Theft Auto, ramming into nine cars.
“Kat thought he was the most responsible student in the class, and used his notes all the time to do term papers,” said Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron, who is a former boyfriend of Webb.
“I think this report is pure horsehockey,” said Alabama Speaker of the House Mike Hubbard. “I don’t believe Katherine Webb ever took a driver’s ed class at Auburn with Zach Burgess. I think A.J. is just making all this up to make us Auburn people look like imbeciles.”
A.J. used to double date with Marshall Henderson
STARKVILLE, MISSISSIPPI–In an investigative series by the Starkville Daily News, former Miss Alabama Katherine Webb acknowledged a rumor which has been going around Oktibbeba County for years, that being Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron, before he met Webb, used to double date with Mississippi State basketball player Marshall Henderson.
“It was really driving a wedge between them because A.J. really looked up to Marshall, but Kat thought he was weirder than a dyslexic Hannibal Lector drinking molten lava in a Greenwich Village head shop while humming Grateful Dead songs,” said SEC commissioner Mike Slive.
“I find it hard to believe A.J. used to double date with Marshall Henderson,” said former Alabama quarterback Ken Stabler. “I think Kat just said it to try to make Alabama people in general and Mobile people in particular look like a bunch of weirdos.”
Kat thinks Toni Tennille is overrated
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron has told Page Six of the New York Post that his former girlfriend, model Katherine Webb thought the music of Auburn grad Toni Tennille was bush league.
“Kat could never figure out why they made such a big deal out of Toni Tennille at alumni functions,” said McCarron. “Kat felt the honky tonks in Opilika played better music than what Toni ever produced.”
Webb’s publicity director however, vehemently denied Webb ever made the statement, claiming, “A.J. is just jealous because Toni got to meet the Beach Boys and he never did.”
Auburn football coach Gus Malzahn feels Auburn fans should consider the source. “To me A.J. has about as much credibility as Zach Burgess applying for the Shug Jordan Award.”
A.J. once said “Joe Willie Namath couldn’t carry my jockstrap”
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–Katherine Webb, the former girlfriend of Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron, has told the New York Times that McCarron, in a moment of weakness, once told her, “Joe Willie Namath couldn’t carry my jockstrap.”
“I forget where we were, but A.J. had overdosed on too many boxes of Ritz Crackers and cartoons of chocolate milk and was clearly feeling the effects, and he confidentially told me he doesn’t understand why, whenever Namath comes around Tuscaloosa, the fans act like it’s Moses coming down from the mountain top,” the paper quoted Webb as saying. Webb said McCarron pointed out to her that he has more wins and more national championships than Namath ever dreamed of.
Former Tide lineman Barrett Jones, currently playing with the Rams, said he thinks Webb may be mistaking Namath for Mark Gottfried.
Kat once kicked Joel Osteen in the crotch
BOULDER, CALORADO–Soldier of Fortune Magazine is reporting in its December edition that former Miss Alabama Katherine Webb once got so irritated with televangelist Joel Osteen, she walked up and kicked him in the crotch.
The magazine acquired this information from Webb’s former boyfriend, Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron. “A.J. could not recall the particulars, but he said Katherine took him into his confidence and admitted she did something totally out of character for a beauty queen, which was kick Joel in the crotch,” said Soldier of Fortune editor Jose Tarantino.
“Kat never did any such thing and she never told A.J. she ever did such a thing,” insisted Auburn athletic director Jay Jacobs. “A.J. is just trying to add fire to those stories in Roopstigo.com and ESPN the Magazine, and make Auburn appear to be an uncivilized place with violent people.”
Jacobs added that Auburn’s 0-9 conference record last year proves it is a peaceful community.
A.J. asked Santa for new tattoos this Christmas
“A.J. is worried that his current tattoos might cause skin infections and cause him health problems later in life, so he is asking Santa to removed the current ones and replace them with cleaner, purer one,” ET quoted McCarron’s former girlfriend, model Katherine Webb as saying.
“This is par for the course,” said Auburn coach Gus Malzahn. “Only at Alabama could you have a guy 23 years old who still believes in Santa Claus!”
Alabama coach Nick Saban said he was devastated to learn that McCarron still believes in Santa.
“I’ve stood by Nick during some real highs and low in his career,” said NCAA president Mark Emmert. “And this is the most shook up I have ever seen him!”
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