Ten Excuses Johnny Could Have Given That Would Have Been Better Than the One He Gave!
The Three Stooges simply could not have provided better slapstick comedy this off-season than Johnny Manzial, with reports of him being thrown out of a fraternity parties in Austin, smoking a bong, high-rolling at casinos, getting asked to leave the Manning Passing Camp…culminating with reports his season could be in jeopardy by accepting money for signing autographs in Miami. All while Texas A&M seems content to take a “Let Reagan Be Reagan” attitude towards this out-of-control wing nut.
A real source of amusement was Johnny apparently getting caught lying right through his teeth to a throng of media in Birmingham at the SEC pre-season press conferences about the Manning camp. Johnny not only claimed he just overslept, he threw roommate A.J. McCarron under the bus by intimating A.J. didn’t bother waking in up. Since reports soon filtered in that Johnny was out on Bourbon Street at four in the morning and never ever made it back to the dorm, that excuse didn’t square. In fact, the excuse was so lame, here are ten other excuses he could have given that would probably have been just as believable:
1) He’s a CIA Hit Man
“Apparently Johnny told everyone the reason he was sent home from the Manning Camp, is because he was late for several meetings, and the reason for that is he is a secret CIA hit man and we sent him over to Benghazi with a series of contracts we needed pulled off and didn’t leave him enough time to get back to Thibodaux,” began Brennan. “And the CIA obviously does not comment on any covert missions we may be involved in, much less which CIA personnel we use in our operations. So those sportswriters and sportscasters in Birmingham are going to have to make up their own minds as to whether or not they think Johnny is secretly working for the CIA.”
Cecil Hurt of the Tuscaloosa News said the account sounded sketchy to him.
2) He Was Meeting With Jadavian Clowney, Jay Z and Beyonce
BROOKLYN, NEW YORK–Singer Beyonce Knowles has told the tabloid television show Entertainment Tonight, the reason Johnny Manziel was late for the Manning Passing Camp, is because he was cavorting around New York City with her and her husband, renowned rapper Jay Z, as well as South Carolina linebacker Jadavian Clowney.
“Johnny was a little coy about telling the media about it because he felt their first inclination would be to think he and Jay Z were hammering out a deal for Jay Z to be his agent, like Jadavian was,” said Knowles. “So to cover for Jadvian, he just told the media he overslept and that his roommate, the Alabama quarterback, didn’t bother to wake him up. Pretty solid strategy I think.”
Knowles said the four people had a rip-roaring time in New York City, bouncing from one nightclub to another, the highlight being when Manziel actually got up on stage and sang, “Beautiful Liar” with her.
3) He Was Advising Anthony Weiner On Damage Control
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–Huma Abedin, wife of New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner, has told the New York Times the reason Jonathon Manziel was late for the Manning Passing Camp, is because Manziel had quickly flown to New York to give her husband some key advice on damage control, based on personal experience.
“Johnny was great with the younger members of our campaign, so I could see why the youngsters at the Manning Passing Camp were really enjoying his company,” said Abedin. “It’s too bad Archie kicked his butt out early.”
Abedin said Manziel’s ideas were solid, but ultimately the campaign decided not to use them. “His main focus, was recommending we go on the offensive, and start dogging Michelle Bachmann for her position on gay marriage, really putting her on the spot. And we just didn’t want to go that route.”
4) He Was Closing Down the Chicken Ranch
LaGRANGE, TEXAS–Dolly Parton, the proprietor of an illegal brothel in central Texas, has taken issue with a statement by Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel at SEC Media Days in Birmingham. Manziel, who was sent home from the Manning Passing Camp for missing several meetings, told the media on hand the reason he missed the morning meeting is because he was closing down the Chicken Ranch the night before in LaGrange.
“It’s an Aggie tradition, that freshman are in charge of cleanup, and that’s why I was the last one to leave the building,” Manziel said. “So I was not able to make it back to Thibodaux for the eight o’clock morning meeting. But as I told Archie, we sure had a rollicking time the night before! I recommended he try the Chicken Ranch sometime! And that’s when he told me to go home.”
Parton issued a statement through her attorney that because of the nature of business at the Chicken Ranch, she is not at liberty to confirm who comes on the property, so she could not verify the information Manziel provided to the media.
5) He Got In A Battle With A Killer Shark
LAKE PONTCHARTRAIN, LOUISIANA –A spokesman for the National Marine Fisheries Service, a federal agency responsible for regulating marine life within two hundred miles of all United States’ maritime borders, said he can not confirm an account given by Heisman Trophy winner Johnny Manziel at SEC Media Days in Birmingham.
Manziel claims he was late for the Manning Passing Camp because he got in a life-or-death battle with a killer shark off the coast of Louisiana. “We were in New Orleans enjoying some drinks with Arch and the rest of the staff,” said Manziel. “I don’t know exactly how it happened, but I somehow got separated form the group. Then I got in the water off the coastline of New Orleans. Then this killer shark attacked me out of the blue, and I spent a good six hours trying to fight the sucker off!” Manziel did admit he arrived at camp late, but claims his shark-fighting skills enabled him to avoid any lacerations or broken bones.
However, the NMFS claims it is unaware of any shark fights that night. The NMFS also claims it is unaware of any killer sharks off the waters of New Orleans. The NMFS also claims it is unaware of any species of shark off the coast of New Orleans.
6) He Was Signing Autographs For Autograph Brokers
BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA–ESPN’s Joe Schad is reporting that Heisman Trophy winner Johnny Manziel was being honest when he told the press attending SEC Media Days that the reason Manziel was sent home from the Manning Passing Camp is that he was in the Louisiana capitol, signing autographs for memorabilia dealers.
“Johnny was thinking of making up this malarkey about oversleeping and claiming his roommate didn’t wake him up,” reported Shad. “However, autograph broker Drew Tieman convinced Johnny that the best route to go was to simply be upfront and honest, and tell the media he was paid $7,500 to sign 300 autographs.
“Drew said he explained to Johnny that the NCAA might declare him ineligible to ever play college football again, but he felt a point needed to be made bigger than any college football career. That being, ‘Honesty is the best quality.’ And it would send a strong message to all those young fans that it’s better to be honest and declared ineligible, than to lie and win another Heisman Trophy.”
7) He Was Accompanying Nicole Scherzinger to a Dentist Appointment
SANTA MONICA, CALIFORNIA–Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel has told the media assembled in Birmingham for the SEC preseason press conferences that the reason he was sent home from the Manning Passing Camp, is because he was out in California accompanying Nicole Scherzinger, lead singer of the girl-band The Pussycat Dolls, to a dentist appointment in California.
“Not many people know this, but the Pussycat Dolls have a bylaw that if they ever need to go to the dentist, they need to get a Heisman Trophy winner to accompany them,” said Manziel. “And with all those Heisman Trophy winners in southern California with questionable character, O.J., Reggie and the rest, she felt she would be better off having an anit-Kardashian like myself escort her. The problem was by the time I flew back from Santa Monica, it was nine AM in Thibodaux. And Arch got all bent out of shape for me being late.”
Cecil Hurst of the Tuscaloosa News editorialized that this account sounded sketchy to him.
He Was Out Walking Reveille
COLLEGE STATION, TEXAS–The reason Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel was sent home from the Manning Passing Camp, is because he had to get back to College Station and take mascot Reveille for his morning walk. That is what Manziel told the media gathered in Birmingham for the SEC preseason press meetings.
“I explained to Arch, that it is the responsibility of freshman to walk the dog each morning, and it just so happened that it was my turn to walk the dog one of the mornings I was at the Manning Passing Camp,” said Manziel.
Manziel would not comment on a report in Deadspin.com which claimed he was seen on Bourbon Street in New Orleans at four that morning, however he did deny a report that he is allergic to Rough Collies, which are bred for herding in Scotland.
9) He Was Performing With Fats Domino On Bourbon Street
NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA–Texas A&M officials released a statement today admitting that Aggie quarterback “Johnny Football” Manziel was indeed keeping late hours on Bourbon Street in New Orleans the night before getting sent home from the Manning Passing Camp, but he was not drinking and carousing as reports have suggested–he was performing with rhythm and blues icon “Fats” Domino at a renowned jazz club.
“Johnny has always been a big Fats fan ever since he heard Fats sing Walking To New Orleans,” said Texas A&M coach Kevin Sumlin. “It’s a shame uninformed, jealous people have to go making up lies about Johnny. The simple truth is the group Johnny and Fats were performing and kept getting one curtain call after another. So they played one song after another, and all of a sudden they look up and it’s six in the morning. And Johnny still hasn’t been to sleep yet. So he called Arch and told him he might have to cut out from camp early.”
Sumlin claimed Archie Manning, as well as Peyton Manning and Eli Manning, praised Manziel for performing with Domino.
10) He Was Meeting with Lisa Bloom
NEW HAVEN, CONNECTICUT–Heisman Trophy winning quarterback Johnny Manziel, appearing before the media at the SEC preseason press conferences, said the reason he was asked to leave the Manning Passing Camp is because he was up in New England getting legal advice from renowned civil rights attorney Lisa Bloom.
“You always have to be anticipating,” said Manziel. “And I wanted to secure Lisa’s legal services in the event some autograph broker comes out of the woodwork and claims I sold my autograph for money. And I figured any attorney who has taken on the Boys Scouts of America, the Catholic Church and the Los Angeles Police Department, is my kind of gal. At any rate, my meeting with Lisa went far longer than expected when her mom Gloria unexpectedly showed up, and I was way late getting back to Thibodaux.”
Cecil Hurt of the Tuscaloosa News editorialized in today’s paper that this excuse sounds perfectly logical to him.
Moving to former SEC players in the news:
The Sad Case of Urban’s Warrior
In certain compassionate way you almost had to feel sorry for the New England Patriots administration, as the Unibomber police sketch suddenly came to life right before their very eyes right in their Foxboro offices. Their star tight end is not only arrested and charged with murder, but…it comes out he may have been involved in a double homicide the previous year, plus…he is accused of blinding a man with a gunshot outside a strip club, and…they come to find out he was questioned in a drive-by shooting while in college. The Headless Horseman apparently didn’t wave as sticky a goodbye as Aaron Hernandez. The guy who was being marketed by the Pats as a paragon of virtue by day, was apparently a real-life serial killer at night. A Terminator!
In another way, the National Weather Service didn’t contain as many red-flag warnings as the career of Hernandez; so how were all these ominous storm clouds missed? And the more that comes out, the more incredulous this con job becomes. Did he really get out of a grade school writing assignment, “What I Did On My Summer Vacation” by pleading the Fifth? Did he really refuse to participate in junior high “Show and Tell” unless first given immunity from the prosecution? Based on what has already come out, here are some other stories that could be forthcoming which would not surprise us:
Red Flags Missed At Florida:
Aaron Was Pen Pals With Charles Manson
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA--The Orlando Sentinel is reporting today that former Florida football player Aaron Hernandez was pen pals with Charles Manson, a convicted murderer currently serving a life sentence in a California state prison.
“There is absolutely no evidence whatsoever that Charlie Manson ever encouraged Aaron to be a serial killer, or anything of that nature,” wrote Mike Bianchi of the Sentinel sports department. “But it doesn’t look good for Urban Meyer when his star tight end is communicating with one of the most notorious criminals in the history of this country.”
Hernandez said his conversations with Manson were of a general nature, such as personal hygiene habits and the importance of keeping on top of school work.
Florida athletic director Jeremy Foley has yet to comment on the report.
Aaron Kept A Poster Of Ted Bundy In His Dorm Room
MIAMI–Miami radio station 104.3 FM “The Ticket” reported this morning that former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez, while an undergrad studying at the University of Florida, kept a poster of Ted Bundy on the walls of his dorm room the entire time he lived in Gainsville.
“Our understanding is the director of housing at the University of Florida was aware of this, but he never really looked into it because every time there was a drive-by shooting at the University of Florida, Aaron always had an ironclad alibi,” said Ticket program director Jamie Neal.
Neal said that although the poster was present, Hernandez never talked about it much all made any big deal of it. “The guy he was rooming with claimed Aaron never really mentioned it,” said Neal. “If he got down on his knees and worshiped the poster every night, that would have been an obvious red flag. But he didn’t.”
Aaron Did His Junior Thesis On the Warm Side Of The Zodiac Killer
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–Dr. Bob Herzog, a professor of psychology at the University of Florida, told the website roopstigo.com that Aaron Hernandez did his final term paper for the psychology class on, “The Warm And Fuzzy Side of the Zodiac Killer.”
“I recall Aaron saying every individual has redeeming social values, and that he felt there were things about the Zodiac Killer that were misunderstood, and Aaron used the term paper to set the record straight,” said Herzog.
Herzog said Hernandez was very impressed that all the cryptograms sent out by the Zodiac Killer were grammatically correct, and inspired novels and movies, such as the Dirty Harry character played by Clint Eastwood.
Herzog also said Hernandez was organizing a field trip for the class to go on, but athletic director Jeremy Foley vetoed the idea, citing student safety as his chief concern for calling off the shindig.
Aaron Formed a Whitey Bulger Fan Club On Campus
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–Selena Roberts of Roopstingo.com is reporting that while and undergrad at the University of Florida, former New England Patriots tight end Arron Rodriguez tried to form a Whitey Bulger Fan Club on the Gainesville campus.
“For reasons I am not certain of, Aaron had a real place in his heart for people who extorted innocent people in the general public,” Roberts reported. “And he wanted to dedicate this fan club to someone from his roots back in New England so he chose Whitey.”
“Aaron really respected the business-like attitude that Whitey went about his business with,” said Sherry Thompson, a coed from Tampa who served as treasurer of the club.
“We broke the club up a month after it was started,” said Florida athletic director Jeremy Foley. “At the time, Whitey was on the run and no one knew where he was. And we didn’t want to give our season ticket holders the idea that we were supporting a fugitive from justice.”
Aaron Tried Out For the School Play, “Macbeth”
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–Henry Wrobleski, the director to theater at the University of Florida, vividly recalls how former Gator tight end and John Mackey winner Aaron Hernandez approached him after the Mississippi State game, inquiring about trying out for the school play that year, which was Shakespeare’s Macbeth.
“What seemed unusual to me, is that he immediately pointed out how Macbeth killed King Duncan and Banquo, and claimed he was the most qualified person on campus to play the part,” Wrobleski told TV station WJXX-TV out of Jacksonville.
“I told him he was welcome to try out for the part of King MacBeth, whose life was surrounded by a realm of arrogance, madness and death, but he and I got in a philosophical argument on how the victims should be killed. He insisted drive-by shootings was the only way to go. I tried to explain to him that in William Shakespeare‘s time they didn’t do that kind of stuff and he got very impatient.”
Aaron Did Reviews for the School Paper on Terminator Movies
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–University of Florida athletic director Jeremy Foley has confirmed a story in yesterday’s Miami Herald, that former Gator player Aaron Hernandez, winner of the John Mackey Award for the nation’s best tight end, regularly wrote reviews in the school newspaper, The Independent Florida Alligator, on all the Terminator movies.
“He seemed very infatuated with the idea of being a cyborg assassin that is programmed to kill,” said Foley. “Looking back at the whole thing, maybe it should been a red flag that we needed to look into. But every time there was a drive-by shooting on campus, Aaron always had a very believable story that seemed to exonerate him from being the trigger man.”
Cris Garrett of the University of Florida journalism department said Hernandez’s reviews of all five Terminator movies were highly regarded by the readers of The Independent Florida Alligator.
Urban’s Bible Study Classes–
It was almost amusing how quickly former Florida coach Urban Meyer got in his got in his defensive stance–crouching low and staying comfortable–to justify his recruiting and putting up with Hernandez, which is actually a hem of a much bigger garment. You see, so many of Urban’s players got arrested during his tour of duty at Florida most had a tough time telling the difference between the Gator’s official roster and the local police blotter. So, one of these days Urban is going to get held accountable for that frightening menagerie he ran in Gainesville. But Urban immediately pointed out he tried to be a mentor and regularly had Aaron over to his home each Sunday for Bible Study classes. Although at this stage of the game, it wouldn’t be shocking if here are some of the stories we end up hearing about Aaron Hernandez’s participation in Urban Meyers’ Bible Study classes:
Esau Vows To Kill Jacob
“I recall he got upset when we went over Genesis 27-41,” she said. “That was all about Esau threatening to kill Jacob for stealing his birthright. I recall that Aaron got very upset when Esau did not follow through with the killing. He kept yelling that if he was Esau, Jacob would have been dead meat. He said he would have murdered him in cold blood.”
Thornton said that Hernandez did not elaborate on how he would have killed Jacob, but he did say he’d have gotten in touch with some top-notch hit men in the Land of Canaan, told them to get on their camels immediately, and they’d have taken Jacob over to Egypt and, “put a cap in his ass!”
David Sends Uriah Into Battle
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–Mississippi State coach Dan Mullen, who was the offensive coordinator at Florida when Aaron Hernandez starred there, told the Clarion Ledger today that he attended several Bible study classes in which Hernandez was present.
“What I recall very vividly is how impressed Aaron was with the way King David sent Uriah into front line combat,” recalls Mullens. “You see, King David lusted for Uriah’s wife Bathsheba. And David knew if he got rid of Uriah, he could have Bathsheba. So he sent him into action knowing Uriah would be killed. Aaron told me he never saw such a crafty way of eliminating a foe, stealing his wife, and not even having to worry about a place to dispose the body!”
Mullen said he encouraged Cam Newton to attend the same Bible classes, but Newton politely declined, explaining that he needed to get out and around the campus to look for laptops to steal, as opposed to stealing to Uriah’s wife.
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–The USA TODAY is reporting that Aaron Hernandez, the former Florida football player who stands accused of murder, told former Florida coach Urban Meyer he would only attend Bible study classes if the lesson plans included something about sacrificial lambs or Christians being fed to lions.
“Aaron was really into that kind of stuff,” the newspaper quotes a source said close to the situation as saying. “He wanted action. He didn’t want to listen to parables with meaningful endings or kings dispensing fatherly advice; he wanted to jam! He was into that blood and gore stuff!”
The newspaper reports that Meyer was initially hesitant to put so much killing into his Bible study classes, but in an effort to appease Hernandez, who was emerging as one of the best tight ends in the SEC, the coach reluctantly agreed to do it.
Manna In The Wilderness
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–New England Patriot quarterback Tim Tebow, a college teammate of Aaron Hernandez at Florida, told the New Haven Register that Hernandez was a regular at Bible classes held at the home of Gator coach Urban Meyer.
“I recall how excited Aaron always got when God sent Moses manna in the wilderness,” said Tebow. “Aaron especially liked the story of the Exodus. Moses wondered around that desert for forty years. Many times it looked like Moses was going to starve or die of thirst. And every time God sent Moses food, water and protection from their enemies. Aaron loved it! The Exodus made a real impact on him!”
Massachusetts prosecutors said Hernandez is being held in solitary confinement at the Bristol County Jail where he stands no chance of pulling off a similar exodus for the murder charges he faces.
Pharaoh Enslaves Israelites
BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS–Aaron Hernandez, currently in a Boston prison and charged with the shooting death of a dear friend, told The Boston Globe this afternoon that he very much enjoyed attending Bible study classes at the home of Coach Urban Meyer while an undergrad a Florida.
“I really enjoyed Exodus 1:11, no doubt, my favorite part of the scriptures” said Hernandez from his cell block. “That is when the Egyptians assigned slave masters over the Israelites and forced them to do oppressive labor and build the Pharaoh supply cities in Pithom and Rameses.
“Could you imagine how much fun it would be if you got chosen to be a slave master?” asked Hernandez. “Getting to order around the Israelites is as good as it gets! If any of them gave me any backtalk, I’d just smack them upside the head and cause some major hearing loss. That would sure teach them a thing or two!”
Sodom And Gomorrah
GAINESVILE, FLORIDA–The USA TODAY is reporting that former Florida Gator tight end Aaron Hernandez not only attended Bible study classes at the home of head coach Urban Meyer, he broke down and cried uncontrollably when Sodom and Gomorrah was destroyed.
“There is no question Aaron really had a predilection for Sodom and Gomorrah,” said NFL linebacker Brandon Spikes, also a former Gator who attended the Bible study classes. “And it just broke his heart when Sodom and Gomorrah was destroyed.”
“I think he admired all the fornication and wicked people the community had to offer,” said Percy Harvin, another NFL player who was on the same Florida teams as Hernandez. “But I recall he really had a tough time handling the thought of a place as neat as Sodom and Gomorrah being reduced to ruble.”
Herod’s Atrocious Crimes
GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA–Charlie Strong, currently the head football coach at Louisville who was an assistant at Florida when Aaron Hernandez played for the Gators, told the Louisville Courier last weekend that he very vividly recalls Hernandez sitting in on Bible study meetings at the home of head football coach Urban Meyer.
“What I’ll never forget, is how much Aaron liked the Gospel according to Matthew, specifically the passages in there about King Herod,” said Strong. “King Herod was a madman who would kill members of his own family to get what he wanted. And every time Herod brought someone before his court and ordered them to die, Aaron, for reasons I am not quite sure of, used to stand up and clap. I brought this to the attention of Urban, but Urban found nothing unusual about it. He pointed out that Aaron is a heck of a competitor and seeing another highly-competitive individual like King Herod in action, probably just appealed to him.”
Let's Move To The Silver Screen!
Hollywood has always made a fortune off sequels and remakes, so here are some ways the people in the movie industry could utilize Aaron as a believable character for renowned bad guys:
The Magnificent Seven
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA–The United Artists Film Studio has announced that it plans to produce a remake of its 1960 western film The Magnificent Seven, which will star former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez as Santiago, the right hand man of Calvera, leader of a gang of vicious bandits that periodically raid defenseless Mexican villages, stealing food and supplies.
“Aaron gives the film instant credibility,” said producer John Sturges. “The person we need for this part has to be a no-nonsense gunslinger who will shoot his gun at the drop of a hat. And we had actors from Florida to Massachusetts recommend Aaron.”
Sturges especially thinks audiences will like a poignant scene at the end where Chris (Yul Brynner) shoots Aaron as Aaron replies, while dying, “The Old Man was right. We lose. We always lose. The Patriots always lose. The only one who won here was the farmers.”
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA–Brady Grey, chairman and CEO of Paramount Pictures, has announced that his company will be reproducing the classic movie, The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, with former Florida Gator tight end Aaron Hernandez in the lead role.
“We needed an individual who has the reputation of being pure vicious and mean,” said Grey. “And we feel Aaron has proved himself capable and competent in this regard in all aspects of his career. He has developed quite a reputation, and when legend becomes fact, go with the legend!”
Grey said the only delineation from the original script is that when Valance savagely beats up newspaper editor Dunton Peabody, he lies right through his teeth to New England Patriots’ owner Robert Kraft about it, and Kraft naively believes him.
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA–The Los Angeles Times is reporting that an undisclosed movie studio in Hollywood is making a bid to reproduce the classic American western Shane, using former Florida Gator tight end Aaron Hernandez to play the role of Stark Wilson, the unscrupulous, psychopathic gunslinger who laughs at the thought of murder.
“The major difference between this movie and the original with Alan Ladd, is that when Wilson is hired by the cattle baron to run the homesteaders off their land, he is more proactive,” said Helene Elliot, who reported the story for the times.
“The Stark Wilson character rides around the valley telling the homesteaders, ‘A gun is a tool. No better or worse than the man using it.’ Then he shoots them on the spot. This is where the producers though Aaron would be just excellent for the part.”
The Times reports that negotiations are currently in the works, but Hernandez has allegedly demanded he get to shoot at least eight homesteaders or he won’t play the part.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA–TMZ is reporting tonight that Bryanston Pictures has budgeted a remake of their 1974 horror film The Texas Chainsaw Massacre with former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernendez playing the role of the notorious Leatherface.
“This is a nice fit for Aaron,” said film director Jody McGee. “The character Leatherface was actually based off a real-life convicted killer from Wisconsin named Ed Gein. But with Aaron in the film, we really don’t been to draw from much of Mr. Gein’s atrocities. We can just have Aaron relate to some of the things he did in Massachusetts and Florida, and we should really be able to put on a product that will horrify moviegoers worldwide.”
TMZ is reporting the Leatherface is the movie is much shrewder than the real Aaron Hernandez, who indicted himself every step of the way in his alleged killing spree. In the movie, Leatherface will not commit murders within a mile of his home and not be shown on his own home surveillance video holding the murder weapon.
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA–Author J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter series, has told the London Times that from this point forth, she is going to demand the part of Lord Voldermont be played by former Florida tight end Aaron Hernandez in any future Harry Potter movies.
Rowling pointed out that in previous movies Voldermont– who heads up a group of evil wizards called The Death Eaters which are bound and determined to take down and destroy the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry–is identified as so despicable that no one even wants to call him by name. He is referred to as “The Dark Lord” and “He Who Must Not Be Named.”
Rowling said she feels Hernandez is perfect for the part. “Bill Belichick and Robert Kraft probably won’t appreciate me saying this,” Rowling told the Times, “but I think Aaron Hernandez can to for my franchise what Tom Brady did for their franchise!”
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA–Fox new commentator Bill O’Reilly is reporting on his show The Factor that United Artists Studio is planning on a remake of the James Bond classic Goldfinger, utilizing former New England Patriots’ tight end Aaron Hernandez as the protagonist, Auric Goldfinger.
“This is not a job for some lightweight,” O’Reilly editorialized. “The American Film Institute ranked Auric Goldfinger as the 49th worst villain to ever appear on the silver screen. So the person playing that part has to be a legit bad guy. And Aaron, based on his track record, appears to be the kind of person who can live up to the expectations of the 49th worst villain in history.”
O’Reilly did mention the studio has a concern about one scene in the movie where Auric Goldfinger captures James Bond and threatens to cut him in half with a circular saw. “The studio executives have a legitimate concern that Aaron may deviate from the script and may just go ahead and cut Bond in half. And if that were to happen, United Artists would certainly have trouble getting an A-list performer like Sean Connery or Roger Moore to play in the next Bond movie!”
TORONTO, CANADA–Patrick Lussier, a Candian horror genre director, has told the USA TODAY that he is recommending to Dimenson Films a movie remake based on the 1879 Gothic horror novel Dracula, starring former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez in the title role.
“Based on what the Boston police have told me about Aaron, there could be all kinds of advantages is casting Aaron as Count Dracula,” said Lussier. “We could have him take Urban Meyer to a London rooftop and explain that he is really Judas Iscariot, the man who betrayed Jesus. And as punishment for taking the thirty pieces of silver, he has been doomed the next 2,500 years to have to participate in college athletics. A very believable storyline. We could have Aaron capture the entire New England Patriots organization, take them out to Boston Harbor, and take them out to sea on a boat in which everyone mysteriously disappears. The vampire implications, the role of woman in generation X, the colonialism and post-colonialism themes we could present with Aaron as Count Dracula would simply be endless. We could turn in into a TV series that would outlast the Lawrence Welk Show!”
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA–Film producer George Lucas, in an interview on the Paul Finebaum Show, says that if The Walt Disney Company was smart, it would immediately start another Star Wars trilogy starring Aaron Hernandez as Darth Vader.
“The thing that made Darth so intriguing to the American public, was that borderline personality disorder that made him the all-time slime-mold beetle of the silver screen,” said Lucas. “This would be something Aaron would be perfect at. We could show him kissing Robert Kraft‘s backside at the Patriots’ training facility one moment, then shooting friends at a gentleman’s club the next. The flexibility you would have by casting Aaron as Darth would be something never seen in the movie industry before.”
Lucas added that casting someone with a bodybuilder’s physique and a dancer’s dexterity would save The Walt Disney Company a substantial amount of money by not having to hire stunt doubles.
“Warner Brothers just feel in love with Aaron,” said White. “They felt they simply could not find an individual more qualified for this role.”
White said Hernandez will provide a nice diversion to the Lois Lane character, who once again is sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, suspicious that Clark Kent is really superman and checking into incidents she feels could fortify this. “But when Aaron, playing General Zod, shows up at Gilette Stadium with a hydrogen bomb, all that nonsense is put on the back burner and all the forces of good have to commit themselves to stopping Aaron!”
The only thing that would seem more astounding at this point:
Florida Makes Aaron Director of Alumni Fundraising!
“This was really a no-brainier,” said Machen. “Here at Florida we are blessed to have an alum who has the reputation of The Terminator. I feel we would be foolish not to capitalize on this ferocious reputation and put it to good use for the school.”
Machen said making Hernandez the director of alumni fundraising will make Gator alums worldwide think twice about getting behind on their alumni dues, which he feels will make alumni donations skyrocket for the upcoming school year.
“Can you image if you are a Gator alum anywhere from Jacksonville to Paris, and you know if you stiff us with your alumni donations, Aaron just may come and put a cap in your ass?” asked Machen. “We are still waiting to see if Aaron ends up in prison, but even if he does he can always call upon his friends to do the job, so Gator alums know they better not get behind in their payments.”
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