Aubie: A Story For The Trash Can!
Let me say right upfront, as good a friend as I have in this business worked with Selena Roberts at the New York Times and claims her reputation as an outstanding reporter is “solid.” He claims she’s a “bulldog who doesn’t back down from big stories.” Having said that, I’ve never seen a reporter’s work get nominated for the trash can as quickly as Selena’s recent essay about Auburn. It all starts when she presents a blockbuster account of an out-of-control, rogue football program replete with cash payments, academic fraud and rampant drug use, leaving Auburn fans weeping as if they were pepper sprayed while watching the final scene of Bang The Drum Slowly.
But problems soon arise: first, not only do most people in the story come forth and claim they were misquoted, some claim their quotes were flat out fabricated. Then, Auburn is able to present some basic documentation that not only gets them off the hook NCAA-wise, but puts Selena on the hook as a reckless, irresponsible sensationalist whose journalism style lacks fundamental items such as basic fact checking. Selena countered that many of the subjects she quoted are now changing their stories after suffering backlash, but she didn’t produce any audio tapes to back this up. And…if you are going to go around publishing these over-the-top accusations, wouldn’t it be wise to have some smoking-gun proof readily available to repel any counterattacks?
Auburn fans have already declared open season on Selena in chat rooms and on websites. But instead of crucifying Selena, let’s have some fun with this whole scenario! And let’s imagine some of the dubious stories that could have emerged had Selena been working as a reporter in the Deep South during the Civil War. Here are some articles that could have more than likely appeared on Roopstigo.com:
Stonewall Jackson Used Ineligible Troops At The Battle Of Bull Run
PRINCE WILLIAM COUNTY, VIRGINIA–Confederate General Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson is denying a report on Roopstigo.com that he used ineligible troops in the Battle of Bull Run, the first major land battle of the Civil War.
“There were as many as ten per cent of the troops that were not academically cleared for the battle,” wrote author Selena Roberts in the report. “And it is a shame the Confederates chose glory over compliance at this pivotal time in American history.” Roberts added her research showed the “ten per cent” included Jackson’s star cannon operator, Spencer “The Terminator” Dyer.
“Academic records show that six soldiers were not eligible academically to make the trip, and none of them did,” said Jackson. “But Spence was never in academic jeopardy, in fact he had nine more hours than he needed to compete in this confrontation.”
General Beauregard Was High On Synthetic Marijuana When He Attacked Fort Sumter
CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA–The sports website Roopstigo.com is reporting that Confederate Brigadier General P.G.T. Beauregard was suffering from the after affects of smoking the highly-additive drug synthetic marijuana when he ordered his troops to open fire on Fort Sumter, a Union-held military outpost built to defend the southern coast of the Unites States.
“Pierre sent me a letter telling me he was going to fire on Fort Sumter and execute a continuous bombardment until all Union forces inside surrendered,” the website quotes South Carolina governor Francis Pickens as saying. “He kept saying, ‘I’m gonna hit a lick!’ I immediately sent him a letter right back saying, ‘Pierre, are you high on drugs? If you attack Fort Sumter you’ll start the Civil War!’”
According to author Selena Roberts, Pickens claims in spite of his pleas not to open fire, Beauregard opened up a fierce barrage, leading Pickens to conclude Beauregard had to have been high on synthetic marijuana, an over-the-counter narcotic which was ready available at convenience stores in eastern South Carolina at the time.
McClellan Finds Lee’s Battle Plan On Roopstigo.com
“What apparently happened is Bobbie (Confederate General Robert E. Lee) and his generals were discussing their battle plans and they let Selena Roberts sit in on the meeting for a feature story she said she was doing about Bobbie’s philosophical differences with Jefferson Davis,” explained McClellan. “And somehow ‘Special Order 191′ ended up being posted on Roopstigo.com. I suspect Selena asked to see it under the pretense it was for later use, but then posted it on her website.
“Well, our guys in the North read Roopstigo.com religiously. And they came to me and told me Roopstigo detailed how Bobbie planned on splitting his forces into five units over a 30-mile distance with the Potomac River in-between. So we were able to easily counteract it!”
Lincoln Declines Interview With Roopstigo.com
SPRINGFIELD, ILLINOIS–The sports website Roopstigo.com is reporting that Abraham Lincoln never actually said “a house divided against itself can not stand,” which has been reported in newspapers all across the state of Illinois.
“Our investigators have told us what he actually said was, ‘We’re gonna hit a lick!’” said Senator Stephen A. Douglas, whom Lincoln was running against at the time. Douglas told this to author Selena Roberts in an exclusive interview, according to Roopstigo.com. Roberts editorialized that she feels Lincoln was showboating an avenue to voice a prophecy for the future of the country.
“Lincoln clearly showed his hand, that his intent all along was to take the Union Army down South and kick some ass,” said Roberts. “So he said,’We’re gonna hit a lick!’ Than, when his staff felt it made them sound like a real group of turds, it was modified to, ‘A house divided against itself can not stand.’”
Roberts said she requested an interview with Lincoln to discuss the issue, but Lincoln refused.
African American Union Soldiers Told To Cut Dreadlocks
MORRIS ISLAND, SOUTH CAROLINA–The sports website Roopstigo.com is reporting that members of the 54th Massachusetts Volunteer Infantry, an all African-American fighting unit, were ordered to cut their dreadlocks by Brigadier General Quincy Adams Gillmore before heading into action at the Second Battle of Fort Wagner.
“We thought it was a little silly that we are willing to back the Union effort to subdue the Confederates, and they’re much more concerned with image,” one of the soldiers told author Selena Roberts under the understanding of anonymity.
Roberts also said the soldier insisted the blacks who had tattoos were subject to medical checks, even though Ralph Waldo Emerson claimed they were the most “robust, strong and healthy men ever mustered into service by the United States.”
Jeff Davis’ Cabinet Claims It Was Misquoted
“Man this article is outrageous and isn’t true. The media will do anything for a juicy story,” said Robert Toombs of Georgia. The article quotes Toombs, and two other cabinet members, as saying Confederate president Jeff Davis is a “transvestite,” which was immediately picked up by publications all over the country, including Harper’s Weekly, which has the largest national circulation in the country.
“Please don’t remix my words,” said Christopher Memminger of South Carolina.
“I just read Selena’s article and not only am I misquoted, but my words are very out of context,” said John Reagan from Texas.
Roberts said she is not surprised the cabinet members are now retracting their statements, considering the pressure they are under.
“I think those Goobers are just changing their stance, because there is a lot of pressure in a place like Montgomery to keep what is in-house, in-house,” she said. “It’s disheartening that Robert and John were willing to put their name on what they said, and now they are letting the booster culture scare them.”
Confederates Illegally Paid Their Soldiers At The Battle of Gettysburg
GETTYSBURG, PENNSYLVANIA–Phillip D. Danridge, a cadet in the Confederate Army, has told the sports website Roopstigo.com that the South illegally paid their soldiers under the table at the Battle of Gettysburg.
“There was some planter from Georgia named Second Lieutenant Will Muschamp roaming around the battlefields, checking to see which soldiers were performing at a high level,” Danridge is quoted as saying in Roopstigo. “And if Will thought they were doing good, he’d call them in his office, open up the top drawer of his desk, pull out four hundred dollars in cash, and give it to them. Now I know I’m just a hayseed for the South, but that has to be against NCAA rules!”
“A textbook example of ‘lack of institutional control!’” said author Selena Roberts.
Muschamp, in a written statement through the University of Florida, denied having ever given any Confederate soldier money during the Civil War.
Nathan Bedford Forrest’s Womanizing May Have Cost The South The Battle of Tupelo
TUPELO, MISSISSIPPI–Selena Roberts, founder and CEO of the sports website Roopstigo.com, is reporting that Nathan Bedford Forrest, a lieutenant general in the Confederate Army and plantation owner from west Tennessee, missed out on an excellent chance to destroy Union general William T. Sherman’s supply lines, by womanizing at the Battle of Tupelo.
“This is clearly a lack of institutional control,” editorialized Roberts. “Evidence clearly shows Forrest was making time with these Southern chicks, when he should have been plotting to destroy General Sherman’s supply lines into Georgia.”
Roberts unanimously quoted a Confederate soldier as saying in team meetings the Confederate soldiers were told by the ranking officers not to talk to the chicks General Forrest was hanging out with, or they’d be court marshaled.
Roberts suggested the lack of institutional control could have cost the South the war. “General Sherman could have been stopped long before he got to Atlanta,” said Roberts. “And it’s disappointing a committee hasn’t been formed in Richmond to investigate the matter!”
Parents of Confederate Soldiers Complain Robert E. Lee Never Informed Them Their Children Were Captured at Vicksburg
VICKSBURG, MISSISSIPPI–Roopstigo.com, a sports website operated by Selena Roberts, is reporting the parents of Confederate soldiers taken into custody by Union general Ulysses S. Grant at the siege of Vicksburg, are furious with Robert E. Lee, commander of the Confederate forces, for not alerting them of the serous nature of the situation there children now face.
“We’ve been telegraphing the Rebel capitol in Richmond all day to try to get some answers,” said Nancy Stevenson of Fredrickburg, whose son Carter is a commander in the Confederate Army stationed at Vicksburg. “But so far, they are not responding to our telegraphs.”
“I’m thinking of riding my horse to Richmond to see if I can get some answers,” said Walter Forney of Lincolnton, North Carolina, whose son John is also a commander for the Southern forces at Vicksburg.
“This is a complete lack of institutional control,” editorialized Roberts. “These are modern times. The Pony Express is available! The telegraph has just been invented! You would think someone in a position of authority would taken the time to visit with those parents! The Confederate administration must be out fishing!”
Cecil Newton offered $180,000 to work on Underground Railroad
ONTARIO, CANADA–The sports website Roopstigo.com is reporting that Cecil Newton, father of Cam Newton, demanded $180,000 to work as a conductor on the Underground Railroad, a network of secret routes established by abolitionists to help enslaved people of African descent escape from the Deep South to Canada.
“Cecil’s job was to was to drive a train from Stone Mountain, Georgia to Ontario, Canada,” the investigation of Roopstigo.com stated.
“I think Cecil is pretty good at his job, but I’m not sure he is worth $180,000,” said Harriet Tubman, who worked on the Underground Railroad with Cecil.”
“To be paying anyone $180,000 in the 1860′s shows a complete lack of institutional control,” said Selena Roberts, who authored the story for Roopstigo.com.
“I don’t mind the work,” said Cecil. “But it does get awful boring driving underground all the time!”
Confederates Recruited Illegally at Battle of Chattanooga
CHATTANOOGA, TENNESSEE–Orry Main, the son of a wealthy South Carolina plantation owner and a graduate of West Point who had inside knowledge of the Confederate Army, has told sports website Roopsigo.com that Confederate General Braxton Bragg recruited soldiers illegally at the Battle of Chattanooga.
“The guy was educated at West Point, so you would think he would be above such nonsense,” Main told Selena Roberts in a sit-down interview. “But what he was doing was really below board. He needed soldiers to defend Lookout Mountain, which he felt would be vital to the defense of Chattanooga, which the North valued so much because it was an important rail hub and manufacturing outlet.
“So what he would do, is give his lieutenants $500 to entertain recruits with, when the limit was $50. And I know Jefferson Davis had to have known this was going on! Those recruits spent all kinds of time hanging out at Giggles Grill on Brainerd Road.”
“If there is a higher example of lack of institutional control, I’d like to see it” said Roberts
Southern Aristocrats Financed Ironclads
AUBURN, ALABAMA–In a blockbuster revelation, the sports website Roopstigo.com has revealed that the CSS Virgina, an iron steam frigate used to fight for the South against the North’s USS Monitor, was financed by Southern aristocrats who are hoping to cash in on the ship’s success by staging confrontations which will eventually be used for cable TV programming.
“It really shows a little bit about the culture of competition and where society is heading,” wrote Selena Roberts, author of the investigation. “And these scalawags are smart enough to know that someday cable TV will be created, which will pour as much as 80 million dollars a year into small communities across the South because of their abilities to produce high-level confrontations because of powerhouse capabilities.”
“Her theory is absolutely insane,” said Stephen R. Mallory, Confederate Secretary of the Navy. “All we are trying to do is build ships that are technically superior to that of the ones the North has. And in this particular case we wanted to use it to break the blockade the North is putting on our harbors. To insinuate this has something to do with ESPN, CBS Sports and Fox Sports contracts, when those industries haven’t even been created yet, is pure madness!”
Admiral Farragut Was High On Synthetic Marijuana When He Said, “Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!”
MOBILE, ALABAMA–Admiral David Farragut, a flag officer in the United States Navy, has told the New York Times an article about him on Roopstigo.com is a “complete and utter fabrication.”
The article, written by Selena Roberts, suggests that Farragut was high on the highly-addictive narcotic synthetic marijuana when he made the statement, “Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!” during the Battle of Mobile Bay.
“Unfortunately, Selena’s story is long on accusation and inference but short of facts and logic,” said Farragut. “The way I get it, some renegade soldier at Fort Morgan told Selena I was utilizing synthetic marijuana, which was false. And then, her attack on me was a very generalized accusation with no substance. I was too busy trying to sink the CSS Tennessee and capture the three forts along Mobile Harbor to have any time to do drugs. And those cannons firing bombs from the shore certainly made my job extra difficult.”
SAVANNAH, GEORGIA–Union General William Tecumseh Sherman is challenging a report by Selena Roberts that appeared in Roopstigo.com claiming over forty percent of his troops tested positive for synthetic marijuana following their historic March to the Sea.
“This is not a performance-enhancing drug, this is a performance-debilitating drug we are talking about,” Sherman told the Washington Gazette. “So let’s use some common sense here. My guys did over 100 million dollars of property damage on their way from Atlanta to Savannah. How could they have performed at such a high level if there was a drug epidemic amongst the troops?
Sherman said he has no intention of filing a lawsuit against Roopstigo.com for slander.”I’m just here for the truth, because it is very important to me that the integrity and character I have stood for in all the years I set fire to municipal property, scorched the Earth and killed both soldiers and civilians alike, is not ruined by one asinine story from Selena Roberts!”
Robert E. Lee Surrenders After Telling Roopstigo.com “I’ll Never Surrender”
APPOMATTOX, VIRGINIA–Confederate General Robert E. Lee is coming under extreme fire today for going to Appomattox and surrendering just four days after he was quoted by Selena Roberts of Roopstigo.com as saying “I’ll never surrender! I’m going to put everything on the line and fight these charges in court.”
“Unfortunately the reporter who published the story did not fully represent what the story was about,” Lee said in a prepared statement.
“Selena Roberts came up to me after the Battle of Five Forks and said, ‘I’ll bet you’ll never surrender, will you?’ And I said, and this is a quote, ‘Not unless my supply lines get cut by General Sheridan at Petersburg.’ The next day I’m quoted on Roopstigo.com saying, ‘I’ll never surrender!’ Well, my words were totally taken completely out of context and I think Selena is a real hack for doing that!”
Confederate Soldiers Were Absolutely, Positively Plastered On Synthetic Marijuana When They Signed Loyalty Oaths To Start Reconstitution
RICHMOND, VIRGINA–The sports website Roopstigo.com is reporting forty percent of the ex-Confederate soldiers who took an oath of allegiance to the Union following Robert E. Lee’s surrender at Appomattox, have tested positive for synthetic marijuana, a highly-additive narcotic sold over the counter at most Appomattox drug stores.
“I have a good source who figured those goofballs had to have been high as a kite,” said author Selena Roberts. “Let’s face it, the only way those Southern boys could tolerate those Radical Republicans bearing down on them, is to stay high all the time.”
The Union, however, quickly released a statement which counters the report in Roopstigo.com.
“Selena is way off target on this one,” said President Abraham Lincoln. “Ever since the war ended and Reconstruction started, we have tested 231 ex-Confederate solders for substance abuse. And of those 231, only three tested positive for any illegal substances.”
Lincoln cut short his statements to attend a play at Ford’s Theatre.
Selena Roberts Accuses Les Miles Of Being A “Carpetbagger”
NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA–In a hard-hitting editorial, the sports website Roopstigo.com has accused LSU football coach Les Miles of being one of the biggest carpetbaggers the state of Louisiana has ever seen, second only to governor Henry Clay Warmoth.
“Nothing against either Les or Henry–I kind of like the guys–but if you look down their resume, both have the characteristics historians are going to have to classify as carpetbaggers,” wrote Selena Roberts, CEO and Founder of Roopstigo.com.
Roberts pointed out that both men immigrated to the Deep South from the upper Midwest. Additionally, Miles was accused by Sports Illustrated of massive corruption when he was Oklahoma State, while Warmoth was accused of massive corruption starting from the time he ran for territorial delegate as a Radical Republican.
“It is clear, lack of institutional control enabled both men to profit from the instability of the South,” wrote Roberts.
Miles, for his part, denied ever having come to the Deep South for exploitation, but did admit he likes the hats carpetbaggers wear.
Moving to other SEC personalities:
Johnny Football And A.J To Visit The Tropics!
You would just about have to go back to the days of “Nixon Goes To China” or at least “Reagan Goes To Moscow” to find more incredulous fanfare for celebrities traveling than the recent announcement by Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel and Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron that they will spend some time in either Key West or Cancun when school gets out. The way the media handled this news, you would have thought the Beatles or Stones had reunited and made plans to go back on tour. Or that the Republicans had elected them as their ticket in 2016. So what do two superstar quarterbacks do for male bonding activities? Drink a beer? Go bowling? Go golfing? Catch a baseball game? If they end up going to Cancun, here are a few recommendations on some bonding activities that will no doubt bring these two closer together:
Throw Footballs Off Aztec Monuments
“We are going to take advantage of the trip that A.J. McCarron and Johnny Football plan to make to Mexico, by staging on contest to see who can throw a football the highest off the Ku Kulkan Pyramid at the Chichen Itza,” said Emiliano Zapata Junior, Mexico’s director of tourism.
Zapata said the contest will be televised nationally, wagers will be taken in all Mexican cities, and the winner will be given a month’s supply of Mexican jumping beans.
“We’re going to do it up first class all the way!” said Mexican president Enrique Pena Nieto.
Work As Lifeguards On Cancun Beaches
CANCUN, MEXICO–In an effort to promote international water safety, Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron has told Mike Raita of ABC 33/40 that on his upcoming trip to Cancun, he and Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel plan to volunteer some of their time to working as lifeguards along the beaches of Cancun.
“Going into the water can be plenty of fun,” said McCarron. “But it can also be hazardous if an individual does not follow basic safety rules. Things like not swimming alone, not wearing a flotation device, not putting on enough sunscreen….these are all items that can cause potential problems. And Johnny and I plan on addressing the tourists in Cancun on these issues and thus, help them enjoy their visit to the beach much more.”
“I am personally going to select beach goers who don’t have the appropriate amount of sunscreen on,” said Manziel. “And any swimmers that I feel are in any danger, I am personally going to apply the neccessary amounts of sunscreen to the parts of their bodies I feel is in any jeopardy”
Tour Narco Tunnels With Girlfriends
EL PASO, TEXAS–Heisman Trophy winner Johnny Manziel has told ESPN the Magazine that one of the highlights he is looking forward to on his trip to Mexico, is he and A.J. McCarron walking their girlfriends through narco tunnels built by the major cartels in Mexico.
“I’ve got a contact on the border who is going to arrange this,” said Manziel. “On the trip back, A.J. and I are going to meet our girlfriends in El Paso, and then we are going to be permitted to walk through these top-secret narco tunnels with our gals.”
“It should be very educational,” added McCarron. “Not only will our group get to see how 13 billion dollars of illegal commerce enters the United States each year, but it should be quite romantic. The darkness of the tunnels will provide a huge degree of privacy, but the spooky parts will encourage our dates to cling to us, thus giving us a chance to get physical with them!”
Escort Politicians With Bounties On Their Heads
“Everyone knows any politician in the country who has dared stand up to drug dealers has a bounty on his head,” the Blog writes. “And A.J. and Johnny Football plan to escort officials through the streets of eastern Mexico, and any assassination attempts will be met with swift and decisive action.”
“This ought to be a piece of cake for anyone who has had to stand in the pocket while SEC lineman are coming after you,” said Manziel. “And we plan to show the Mexican people that they can not be intimidated by terrorism and need to put these thugs in there place!”
Assist The Federales In Arresting Drug Dealers
CANCUN, MEXICO–The Blog del Narco is reporting that while on their vacation to Cancun, American football players A.J. McCarron and Johnny Manziel will spend part of their time helping local Federales round up street drug dealers and bringing them to justice.
“This is the least we could do to show our support for the Mexican government,” Manziel told the Bryan Eagle newspaper.
“And we need to send the right message for the purpose of this trip,” added McCarron. “If we go down to Cancun, and all the public sees is of us drinking the alcohol, sitting on the beach, dancing in the nightclubs, flirting with the women, that could send a very negative message. And we want the public to see us assisting a Third World nation!”
Get Ines Sainz’s Autograph
MEXICO CITY, MEXICO–Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron has told Cecil Hurt of the Tuscaloosa News that on his upcoming trip to Mexico, one of the highlights he is looking forward to is getting the autograph of CNN en Espanol reporter Ines Sainz.
“Ines is the most popular celebrity in all of Latin America,” said McCarron. “So getting her autograph will be about like getting the autograph of someone like Jennifer Lopez.”
“Plus, we need to show her the class Southern gentleman have,” added Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel, who will join McCarron on the trip. “I grieved with the rest of the nation at the barbaric manner in which the New York Jets treated her a couple of years ago. When they were making those lewd catcalls at her and the conscious of America was hurt!”
“So if we can stare at her for five minutes without making those same lewd remarks the Jets made, it could change her perception of American football players,” said McCarron. “And it will show her their is a difference between the North and the South in America!”
Play In A Mariachi Band
CANCUN, MEXICO–El Cafe Mexicano, a restaurant featuring Mexican cuisine located inside the Ritz Carlton Hotel by the shore, has told the Expression Libre newspaper that next week, in addition to offering its customers a breath-taking view of the turquoise waters off the Caribbean Sea and a generous portion of refried beans, tacos and burritos it will feature something else that has never been experienced in Latin America: Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron and Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel playing in a Mariachi Band.
“Folk music from Mexico has always been big back home in Kerrville, and I’m looking forward to lighting up the stage,” said Manziel.
“I can’t say I really get into violins, harps, guitars and brass instruments from Spain,” said McCarron. “However, this is a chance for me to bond with Johnny, and he’s really a funny dude, so I’m going to get on stage on go for it!”
Check For Underage Drinkers At Night Clubs
CANCUN, MEXICO–The owner of the Coco Bongo Night Club in Cancun has told www.al.com that Crimson Tide quarterback A.J. McCarron, as well as Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel, will be part of a group of responsible college students whose responsibilities will be to spot underage drinkers at the popular nightspot.
“We have over 3,000 people at a time in our nightclub, and we can’t check on them all” said owner Eduardo Hernandez. “So what we plan to do, is have A.J. and Johnny patrol the premises with their eyes open, looking for underage drinkers. If they spot any, they will be authorized to get their phone numbers, call there parents, and ask for age verification. And of course, any underage drinkers will be removed from the nightclub on the spot, no questions asked.”
“This will no doubt be a big challenge for A.J.,” said Alabama coach Nick Saban. “But as anyone who watched Notre Dame game knows, A.J. responds to big challenges!”
Make An Appearance On Telemundo
CANCUN, MEXICO–The television network Telemundo has announced that Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel and Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron will make an appearance in their show Sin Senos No Hay Paraiso.
“It’s going to be an interesting twist to the show,” said executive producer Hugo Leon Ferrer. “What happens, is Catalina is heading through Cancun on her way up to the United States border to deliver a large shipment of cocaine. But while in Cancun, she meets two dashing young bachelors in Cancun for some rest and relaxation. That, of course is Johnny and A.J.When she finds out they are future NFL quarterbacks, and she realizes NFL quarterbacks make more than drug dealers in Columbia, she falls hopelessly in love with both of them. And she is willing to risk everything to escape the poverty she lives in. She is willing to do anything to hitch her wagon to these stars. Even learn the Aggies War Hymn!”
So how does the episode turn out? “You’ll have to tune in to Telemundo and see!” said Ferrer.
Take A Taxi Cab Ride With Salma Hayek
COATZACOALCOS, VERACRUZ, MEXICO–Howard Kurtz of The Daily Beast is reporting that on their trip to Cancun, Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel and Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron, apparently real thrill seekers, will ride around in a cab with actress Salma Hayek in her home town of Veracruz, Mexico.
“I don’t know where Johnny met Salma,” said Kurtz. “I suspect at an NBA game. But Salma explained to him how back home in Veracruz the roads are so poor, the traffic is so congested, the cars are so antiquated, and the drivers are so reckless, that getting a taxi ride from one end of the city to another is about like riding the Cyclone out at Coney Island. It’s flat out scary as hell! And Johnny and A.J. asked Salma if she would take them for a ride in one. And of course, Salma, in the spirit that she made the movie Wild Wild West, agreed to do it!”
“I’m sure looking forward to this,” said McCarron. “But I don’t see how it can be scarier than sitting in a video room with Coach Saban!”
Bullfighting In Mexico City
MEXICO CITY, MEXICO–Randy Rosetta of The New Orleans Picayune is reporting that on their way to Cancun, Texas A&M Heisman Trophy Winner Johnny Manziel and Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron will stop off in Mexico City to do some bullfighting.
“They feel it will be a real challenge,” said bullfighting promoter Jose Tomas. “So they called us up and asked if they could do it. The Plaza Mexico in Mexico City is the world’s largest bullring. It holds over 50,000 spectators. So this should be quite a thrill for those guys!”
“I know I could get gored or trampled,” said Manziel. “But being called a Matador is far more important to me than being called a Heisman Trophy winner, so I can’t wait to get in the ring!”
Visit With Pancho Villa’s Ancestors
DURANGO, MEXICO–ESPN the Magazine is reporting that on their way to the beaches of Cancun, Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron and Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel will stop off at the home of the ancestors of Pancho Villa, who was one of the most prominent Mexican Revolutionary generals, and exchange pleasantries as unofficial ambassadors of the United States.
“What we would like to do, is just explain to these people just because at one time long ago Pancho sent an army into New Mexico, killing 18 Americans, forcing President Woodrow Wilson to send General John Pershing into Mexico to capture Pancho and kill 80 of his men, well…that’s all in the past,” said McCarron.
“And we want to extend an olive to Pancho’s ancestors and assure them there are no more hard feelings on behalf of the United States,” added Manziel.
“And we want to let them know the United States had nothing to do with those banditos that ambushed Pancho on his way back to the Canutillo Ranch, putting nine Dumdum bullets in his head killing him,” said McCarron. “There was no CIA back then to plot such stuff! So conspiracy theories are going to have to go the way of the wishbone offense!”
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