If the Ancient Greeks had played football Homer would have composed an ode to places like Auburn and Tuscaloosa and the recent events stress why. Auburn has its worse football season in history, logic would dictate support would be at a low ebb, yet over 83,000 show up at the spring game. Is that a tremor that could become an earthquake? The Crimson Tide shows up at the White House again, although in this state a trip to Washington has become as ho-hum as a first down against UT-Chattanooga. For four straight years running college students have been making their way towards Capitol Hill to get commended for a national championship. Isn’t this getting boring? Could be. So, here are some suggestions the Alabama football team could have done to liven up the festivities during their recent trip to the White House and really made the trip legendary:
Prank Called Vladimir Putin
MOSCOW, RUSSIA–The Russian news agency ITAR-TASS is reporting that Russian president Vladimir Putin was the victim of an elaborate practical joke when he received a call on the hotline connecting the White House to the Kremlin from an individual identifying himself as Barack Obama, challenging him to a nuclear war. The caller went as far as wanting to bet “a bushel of Alabama cotton against a barrel of Russian mineral products that the United States kicks your ass.”
“When the caller mentioned Alabama cotton, that’s when Vladimir realized it was just Barrett Jones playing a practical joke,” said ITAR-TASS spokesperson Svetlana Mironyuk. “Apparently the Alabama football team was at the White House, somehow Barrett got access to the Moscow hotline in the oval office and decided to have a little fun at the expense of the United States and Russian taxpayers. There are no hard feelings between nations. When Vladimir recognized Barrett’s voice he actually thought it was pretty funny!”
Tackle Bo the Dog
WASHINGTON, D.C.–The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) have announced that they are boycotting any corporations that in any way advertise with or associate themselves with the University of Alabama football program following an incident that occurred during the Crimson’s Tide’s recent trip to the White House with Bo the Dog, a 30-pound Portuguese Water Dog who lives at the White House.
“What happened, is all those big, giant football players kept tackling Bo the Dog on the South Lawn of the White House,” said PETA president Roger Livingston. “The players kept pretending Bo was a Notre Dame running back and thought it was fun to body slam him. Well, we didn’t think it was funny. And I doubt Bo did either.”
Livingston plans to release a list of companies PETA will boycott.
Draw Mustaches On Portraits of Calvin Cooledge and George W. Bush
WASHINGTON, D.C.–Former NBA basketball player Dennis Rodman told the Associated Press on Monday that his Capitol Hill sources claim the Obama Administration encouraged Alabama lineman Barrett Jones to draw mustaches on the portraits of Calvin Cooledge and George W. Bush during the Crimson Tide’s recent trip to the White House.
“This is extremely disrespectful to a couple of great Republican presidents,” said Rodman. “And there is no question in my mind this was done to divert attention from the fact that the federal budget deficit is way out of control.”
A White House spokesman said he is not aware of any White House portraits being drawn on, but he did acknowledge that Barrett Jones had a real chit-eating grin on his face after completing his tour of the White House.
Tell Michelle Obama Why She’d Have Been Much Better Off Financially If She Married A Football Coach
WASHINGTON, D.C.–Forbes Magazine is reporting an unsubstantiated rumor that on Alabama’s recent trip to the White House, defensive coordinator Kirby Smart explained to First Lady Michelle Obama that she would be much more financially secure these days had she married a football coach as opposed to a President.
“I don’t think Kirby was in any way insulting towards the First Lady, he just crunched the numbers and explained some cold hard facts,” said Steve Forbes, the editor-in-chief of the magazine, which has come to be known as the Bible of investing and finance. “And he just pointed out to Michelle how he just got a three-year contract for close to four million dollars, while Barack won’t even make half that.”
The magazine also reports that Smart told the First Lady he anticipates the gap will get wider and wider as conferences grow, and get stronger and stronger network TV contracts. The magazine also editorialized that a Senate hearing needs to be held in the distant future to try to get politicians salaries somewhere in the ball park of football coaches.
Paint Graffiti In The Lincoln Bedroom
“I certainly don’t want to believe this happened,” said Alabama Coach Nick Saban. “But if ESPN the Magazine reported it, we are going to have to take it seriously. Let’s face it, the outstanding job of journalism they demonstrated in the Auburn/synthetic marijuana epidemic clearly highlights the kind of award-winning journalism those writers and editors do.”
Saban said he plans on giving lie detector tests to all Tide players who were in the Lincoln Bedroom, with the exception of Barrett Jones, whom Saban claims would proudly own up to the deed in a heartbeat if he had done it.
Give the President Advice On The Secret Service Scandal
WASHINGTON, D.C.–The website Roopstigo.com is reporting that the first thing Alabama head football coach Nick Saban did when visiting the White House is offer President Barack Obama advice on how the government could have covered up the Secret Service scandal involving Latin American prostitutes and limited the amount of information taxpayers actually found out.
“Nick, like all SEC coaches, has a lot of experience in covering up scandals and doing damage control,” wrote Roopstigo.com founder Selena Roberts. “And Nick explained to Barack how he could have immediately put the girls in Columbia on the hook by questioning their credibility, how he could have presented statistics and numbers of which the public has no idea how credible or accurate they are, how he could could have gotten certain eyewitness to change their stories…all kinds of ways to destroy the entire matter!”
Roberts quotes a source who overhead the conversation as saying, “Nick convinced President Obama that had an SEC football coach been in office at the time of the Secret Service scandal, he could have made the whole thing seem like a commercial for Taster’s Choice!”
Dance Gangnam Style In The Situation Room
WASHINGTON, D.C.–A spokesman for the Secret Service said the agency is currently looking into accusations that coaches of the Alabama football team, while being given a tour of the White House, snuck off into the Situation Room and started dancing Gangnam Style on the main conference table.
“We are still looking into the accusations and have yet to confirm if they are true,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. “If they are true, we are going to ask the University of Alabama to act in a swift and proactive manner. Because this kind of behavior from adults who are supposed to be supervising youngsters in our society is completely unacceptable.”
President Barack Obama said he first heard of the incident when a West Wing custodian walked into the Situation Room to vacuum the carpet, and saw the assistant coaches dancing on the conference table.
“There will be a complete investigation before we release a statement,” said Obama. “But if Alabama assistant coaches were emulating some little guy from South Korea it’s going to be a sad day in Washington, D.C.”
Sing To Michelle Obama In the Rose Garden
WASHINGTON, D.C–Alabama athletic director Bill Battle announced today that the university athletic department is opening an internal investigation over an incident which occurred on the Crimson Tide’s recent trip to the White House.
“It was incredibly embarrassing for Alabama fans of every generation,” said Battle. According to several eyewitnesses, when First Lady Michelle Obama walked into the Rose Garden to greet the team, several dozen members of the Crimson Tide began singing the Sir Mix-A-Lot hit, “I Like Big Butts!”
“These young men clearly did not represent the University of Alabama the way we want it represented,” said Battle. “And we are in the process of reviewing White House surveillance cameras to identify those responsible. And once we have the culprits caught red-handed, we will punish them to the fullest extent of the law. This kind of conduct has absolutely no place in a White House visit.”
MOVING TO OTHER SEC ISSUES:
Okay, Marshall Henderson probably won’t win a Nobel Peace Prize anytime soon. Especially if he is behind bars at the Tarrant County Jail. He is one of the few players in college basketball who have experience in criminal discharge. He has figured out every way to taunt opposing players, coaches and fans with a variety of antics from “jersey popping” opposing student sections to doing the Gator chomp after an incredible outing against Florida. He says he plays with reckless abandon and passion, although the columnists and talk show hosts have referred to it as everything from “disrespectful” to “idiotic.” He says he feeds off the negative attention, and if you’re always looking and acting like a bouncer in a biker bar, you’re gonna get plenty of that. But instead of desecrating Marshall’s act, why don’t we think of the positive ways it could be used. For example, here are some jobs he could do to help out the United States government:
Ambassador to China
HONG KONG, CHINA–House Appropriations Chairman Hal Rogers (R-Ky) told Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel he has formulated a plan by which the United States can stem the number of cyber attacks coming from China.
“I am going to recommend to the Obama Administration that Ole Miss guard Marshall Henderson be made United States Ambassador to China, with a mandate to check on all Chinese citizens working at their computers to make sure they are not stealing research from the United States,” said Rogers.
Rogers recommendation would call for Henderson to be deployed primarily to the South China Sea area, do alot of heavy drinking, and work the entire country from Xining to Beijing getting real aggressive on the cyber-security front. “And if he spots anyone, shall we say, stealing secrets on the F-35, he is to be given a green light to raise his voice, point fingers and do incessant trash talking about their Chinese ancestry!”
Ambassador to Iran
TEHRAN, IRAN–President Barack Obama announced today that he is assigning Ole Miss guard Marshall Henderson as the new ambassador to Iran in an effort to encourage President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to abandon his nuclear arms program.
“The whole premiss for Marshall being there, is to constantly remind President Ahmadinejad of the crippling economic sanctions the west has imposed on Iran, and really ride him hard in any kind of public forums where he can be taken to task,” said Vice President Joe Biden.
Henderson said he is looking forward to the assignment. “I really get charge out of doing this kind of stuff,” he said from his dorm room in Oxford. “All the material I have to draw on of stuff I’ve done around the SEC and in the NCAA Tournament is the kind of things the Iranian people have never seen before. And I think they’ll love it!”
Ambassador to North Korea
PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA–Park Geun-Hye, newly elected president of South Korea, told followers in the Cheong Wa Dae that one of her first priorities is going to be to petition the United States and request that Ole Miss shooting guard Marshall Henderson be appointed the United States ambassador to North Korea.
“We saw his outrageous conduct in the NCAA Tournament,” said Park Geu-Hye. “And we feel if he could start acting that way each and every time the North Korean generals start showing Kim Jong Un how to shoot off nuclear weapons it would benefit all Asian countries and maybe even guarantee peace in our time.”
Secretary of State John Kerry said that while Park Geun-Hye’s idea has yet to be discussed in cabinet meetings, he likes the logic behind it. “Marshall sure did act like kind of a jackass this past season,” said Kerry. “And if he is going to act that way, we ought to direct his energy towards our sworn enemies, not the LaSalle student section.”
Ambassador to Afghanistan
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN–United States Ambassador to Afghanistan James B. Cunningham has announced he is resigning position effective immediately, and will recommend the United States replace him with Ole Miss guard Marshall Henderson.
“Dealing with the Taliban is the most frustrating thing I have ever tired to do,” Cunningham said in a statement released by the White House. “Those warlords are complete idiots. And I just can not get through to them the importance of rebuilding the country in the Democratic fashion to secure its future. So I feel we need someone who can speak their language, get in the face of people like Mullah Omar, and just explain to him how the cow ate the cabbage!”
Cunningham said he watched several University of Mississippi games this year and instantly concluded Henderson is the man the United States needs in the southern mountains of Afghanistan.
Director of Homeland Security On the Southern U.S. Border
NOGALES, ARIZONA–United State Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano told Bob Schieffer on Face The Nation this morning that she has devised the perfect plan to effectively curb the growing number of illegal immigrants on our nation’s southern border.
“I have studied all options available,” said Napolitano. “And it seems to me the most effective one would be to post Ole Miss guard Marshall Henderson in an area where most of the crossings take place, and anytime he sees an illegal immigrant crawling under the barbed wire to get into the United States, he is going to be authorized by Homeland Security to tell the scoundrel to just crawl back under the the barbed wire, and get his butt back to Mexico!”
Napolitano said getting Marshall’s resume past the U.S. Government could be a challenge. “Marshall has already tested positive for all kinds of foreign substances, and this is a major reason I feel he could help out with foreign issues.”
Ambassador To Cuba
HAVANA, CUBA–Former Prime Minister of Cuba Fidel Castro and his brother Raul have told the Tribuna de La HaBana that they are giving the United States 10 days to recall U.S. Cuban Ambassador Marshall Henderson, or they are leaving the island.
“Jesus, I thought Che Guevara was an irritating and annoying fool, but he can’t even come close to hitting in this guys’ league,” said Castro in reference to Henderson. “I thought the Cuban Revolution was tough to get through, I though Ronald Reagan and Soviet Premier Gorbachev were hardliners, but they were soul mates compared to Henderson; this idiot is driving me up a wall!”
Castro said he would rather deal with ten Bay of Pigs invasions than one conversation with Henderson. “He just can’t take it, because I’m always dogging him about all the money he makes off those state-controlled agencies, while the Cuban people starve!” responded Henderson.
U.N. Lookout In the Korean DMZ
PANMUNJOM, KOREA– Ban Ki-moon, the General Secretary for the United Nations, has announced that he plans to hire Ole Miss shooting guard Marshall Henderson as a lookout in the Korean Demilitarized Zone which separates North and South Korea.
“Our philosophy is that Marshall may be able to quell a lot of saber rattling that Kim Jong Un has done lately regarding this nuclear missile capabilities,” said Ki-moon. “And what we plan on doing, is every time Kim Jung Un maneuvers too close to the South Korean border with his entourage of generals, acting like he is a bad ass, we are going to instruct Marshall to be in the area and give those dorks the LaSalle-student-body treatment.
When asked what the “LaSalle-student-body treatment is” Ban Ki-moon responded, “He is to pretend one of those North Korean generals called him a coke head, and flip him off with both hands. This will no doubt encourage the North Koreans to move back!”
MOVING TO OTHER SEC PERSONALITIES:
All Aboard For Broadway!
Ask Mel Kiper Jr. who the best available ex-Reese Witherspoon husband is and he’ll tell you to the letter and why. Which is why it is heartening to hear Honey Badger is being projected as a second or third round pick even though he sat out last season. (For reasons even your grandmother who has been a a coma for 10 years knows!) And this is a pivotal time for America. After all, if Honey Badger doesn’t make it, all sorts of tabloid stories will be lost forever. However, if he gets cut, he surely has other options. With his experience on the big stage, he could always make it on Broadway. In fact, if he did, here are some of the reviews we could no doubt see if Tyrann Mathieu ever decides to take his talents to Broadway Theatre District:
Tyrann Mathieu Stars in “A Honey Badger Line”
This acclaimed production is based on seventeen Broadway dancers who are auditioning for a limited number of spots on the Honey Badger Line, and let it be stated unequivocally at the start a Honey Badger Line is not a crude reference to any kind of white power….they give touching tales of tragedy and triumph, noting more heart-rendering than when Honey Badger tells the cast of his ascension from a broken home and poverty to being a finalist for the Heisman Trophy….The Guardian calls the 15-year spell the musical has had on Broadway “a work of genius”….. The confessions from dancers form the backdrop of an emotionally-charged sensation…nothing tears the crowd up more than when Honey Badger sings one of the play’s final numbers, “Kiss the NFL goodbye, and point me towards tomorrow”.….Honey Badger tells how football always offered him an escape from domestic conflict and how he capitalized on it.
Badger! is a musical based on the life of showman Tyrann Mathieu from the time he was a youth to the time he slept 14-hours a day and almost didn’t get out of bed the night his team played Alabama for the national championship…The Chicago Tribune writes that had Honey Badger been aware of Les Miles‘ offensive game plan, they’d have encouraged Honey Badger to sleep in, realizing they didn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of beating Alabama….but “Badger!” gives the audience a rare step into the life of entertainment, highlighted when Mathieu sings the delightful number, “There is a sucker, born every minute,” each and every time he tests positive for synthetic marijuana and manages to convince the Bayou Bengal staff into believing it was just second-hand smoke.
Ticketmaster claims no production comes close to matching the representation of circus performers to the degree that “Badger!” does.
Tyrann Mathieu Stars in “My Fair Badger”
Whenever one thinks of this musical, “they’ve got to think of the artistic eloquence of Tyrann Mathieu, the miracle of ease that results from a lifetime of refining his superb talents,” according to The New Republic….Reelviews claims that “Tyrann Mathieu, it can easily be argued, is one of the richest and most intelligent romantic comedy actors of our time!” It goes on to insist that no one captures the essence of Professor Henry Higgins the way the Honey Badger does, and that no person is more uniquely qualified to tutor young girls into becoming young ladies, teaching them how to behave in society….The Chicago Sun-Times wrote that “Tyrann Mathieu is such a sensation that it’s tough to decide if the audience is happier when he is singing or talking!” The Sun-Times said that nothing in theater is as sensational as when Honey Badger starts singing, “I’m getting cut by the NFL in the morning! Ding, dong the bells are gonna chime! Pull out the blacklist! John Lucas’ ax list! But get me to training camp on time!”
Tyrann Mathieu Stars in “Show Boat”
The Los Angeles Herald Examiner writes that Oscar Hammerstein himself would be reduced to tears if he ever had the opportunity to watch Tyrann Mathieu, in his capacity of a dock worker, sing “Ol’ Man NCAA.” The west coast newspaper claims if the Cotton Blossom crew ever played in the SEC in the sixties, “teams like Alabama and Georgia and LSU would be running for hand grenade cover!” It writes, “Those guys (The Cotton Blossom gang led by Mathieu) have created a completely new genre — the musical play as a social instrument that Honey Badger’s personally diverts from musical comedy!”….The Atlanta Journal adds that the presence of Honey Badger leaves the musical with no choice but to show the tremendous improvement those at the apex of the Southern social aristocracy have experienced. “In that late 1800′s, women like Magnolia and Julie were a couple of babes,” the paper explains. “But today, if you juxtaposed them next to girls in the Crimson Cabaret they would seem like a bunch of dogfaces!” Still, the representation of the NCAA as a practitioner of modern-day slavery can not be discounted or overlooked.
Tyrann Mathieu Stars in “How To Succeed In The SEC Without Really Trying”
This timeless musical opened as a revival with a new twist that the audience completely fell in love with. Instead of starting out in the mail room and working his way to the top of the corporate ladder, J. Pierrepont Finch (played by former LSU defensive back Tyrann Mathieu) starts out as chairman of the board and works his way down to the mail room with a series of humorous blunders nothing short of charming. When asked by J.B Biggley about his playing days at Grand Old Ivy, Mathieu mentions dozens of failed drug tests (although he claims he lost count after 10) getting him demoted from CEO to director of advertising. Mathieu also makes the faux paus of telling Bud Frump about the time he almost slept in for a national championship game; Frump immediately tells Biggley, who puts Mathieu back in the mail room. Many feel the highlight of the production is when Tyrann sings, “I play it the company way, where ever the company puts me there I stay,” each time he is tested for synthetic marijuana….Variety Magazine writes that Mathieu’s acting performance, dancing and wry narration of the play “absolutely sparkles” with “satiric jabs that ring true 50 years after the original play.”
Tyrann Mathieu Stars in “Man Of La Honey”
Most critics feel the storyline to this Broadway classic would amount to a series of inane dialogue were it not be for the breathtaking performance of former LSU Heisman Trophy finalist Tyrann Mathieu’s sensational singing of the iconic song, “The Impossible Dream” while assessing his chances of getting drafted by the NFL after telling scouts at the combine he failed countless drug tests and almost slept in for his team’s championship game…..The New York Times compares Mathieu’s performance to that of Fred Astaire or Ginger Rogers or Gene Kelly in terms of a star whose singing ability “made a hoofer of a play respectable”…..Filmcritic.com said “the transformation from movie musical to theatrical musical would have been disastrous were in not for the exceptional ability of Honey Badger”…..Sophia Loren said the only actor she has ever seen give a stronger performance than Mathieu in “Man of La Honey” was Charlton Heston in “El Cid.”
The musical is currently playing at the August Wilson Theatre on the corner of Broadway and West 52nd Street.
Tyrann Mathieu Stars in “Badger On The Roof”
World Movie Reviews calls this acclaimed production “a lavish musical, exceeded only by two elements: a heartfelt story of a poor dairyman trying to keep his family intact during a great cultural transition. And the extraordinarily spell-binding performance of Honey Badger”….The Washington Post writes the most prolific performance on Broadway it has ever seen is Tyrann Mathieu singing, “Matchmaker, matchmaker, make he a match! Find me an NFL team that will pay me much cash! Find me an NFL team that doesn’t mind hash!”….. Time Magazine claims Honey Badger “breathed new life into what was already a compelling story reducing the audience into happiness and tears”….The Cleveland Plain Dealer writes that, “the set is modest but functional. The orchestra uses a lot of keyboard synthesizers with a few necessary strings and reeds. In spite of these corners cut, the sensational performance of Honey Badger will make it worth every penny of the $97 each audience member will pay for their ticket!”
The musical, currently playing at the Gershwin Theatre, is sold out till next August.
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