Aubie To The Foxhole!
When a lamb goes to slaughter he may kill the butcher, but ten out of ten times I’m going to bet on the butcher. Unless, of course, the entity in question is Auburn Football, in which case I wouldn’t bet on the butcher to begin with the letter “b.” I’m sorry Tide and Vol and Gator fans but….we gotta give these Auburn guys some credit here. They’ve been under constant, non-stop, 24/7 rocket attack ever since a former Mississippi State football player named Kenny Rogers walked into his alma mater’s football office and alerted everyone he was working in conjunction with a gentleman named Cecil Newton, and that for just $180,000 they could have the services of Cecil’s baby boy Cam, who just might be the best player to ever take a snap.
Private Ryan couldn’t figure out a way to survive as well as these boys on the Plains. They don’t jump in the foxhole, they live in a foxhole. The mortar shells have continued to come everywhere from Stanley McClover to Danny Sheridan to Pete Thamel to HBO to Outside the Lines and still…no one has been able to lay a glove on Auburn!
The latest round of attacks came when a website called Roopstigo.com accused Auburn of everything short of selling the Oppenheimer secrets to the Nazis, claiming a staggering array of violations from academic fraud to under-the-table payments. The story could not have had more irony if it had been written by an ancient Greek since the author is an Auburn grad. And the dust hadn’t even come close to settling there, when, ESPN the Magazine unleashed another chilling barrage, this article claiming a vicious armed robbery was actually the by-product of an outrageous drug epidemic sweeping the 2010 National Championship team; an endemic the administration unscrupulously covered it up.
So, will this one-two punch bring Auburn down this time? Based on the track record, smart money says “no.” The big stories the next few days were that virtually everyone mentioned in the articles came forth to vehemently deny the allegations but…that shouldn’t be big news at all! What do you expect them to say? Big news, would have been if they wholeheartedly corroborated the stories, realizing confession may be good for the soul but it’s even better for the six o’clock news, and a bunch of stories came forth like these:
Auburn Police Chief Admits to Harassing Negro Players
BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA–Auburn chief of police Tommy Dawson, in an interview on the Paul Finebaum Show, admitted that he worked in conjunction with the Auburn football coaches to harass and intimidate African American athletes in the Auburn athletic program. This information was first reported on the website Roopstigo.com
“What we would do, if we saw any Negro athletes driving around campus in any suspicious-looking vehicles, we would immediately pull them over, make them produce identification, and sometimes even pull out a taser gun and zap’em a time or two. I know that sounds a little barbaric but it was a highly-effective means of keeping the players in line. I mean, it wouldn’t matter if the guy was a 300-pound lineman, you fire a dart-like electrode at him and he’s going down!”
Dawson said he enjoyed working with Gene Chizik, Tommy Tuberville and Terry Bowden, but Pat Dye will always be his favorite. “Pat was old school,” said Dawson. “If he had his way, we would have used torture racks!”
Muschamp Admits To Pay Offs
GAINSVILLE, FLORIDA–University of Florida head football coach Will Muschamp, while speaking before the Gainsville Gators Booster Club, wholeheartedly admitted that he paid former Auburn starting safety Mike McNeil $400 when he coached McNeal at Auburn. And he said he is highly upset McNeil revealed this sensitive information in an interview with former New York Times reporter Selena Roberts.
“I think Mike is a real stinker for tattling on me like he did,” said Muschamp. “I could lose my job over this thing! But that’s the difference between Mike and the kids I coached at Texas and LSU and Florida. You could take a Longhorn aside, slip him some cash, and it was a fraternal secret never to be revealed to anyone. So I used to walk around campus with a briefcase full of money and whenever a player performed well in practice or in a game, I’d pull some cash out and give it to him. This was a great incentive for players to know if they put forth good effort, they would be rewarded with under-the-table cash. This has worked beautifully my entire career and I’m too old to change my ways now!”
Jacobs Admits To Hiding Drug Test Results
MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA–Auburn athletic director Jay Jacobs, in an exclusive interview with WSFA-TV out of Montgomery, admitted that a recent story in ESPN the Magazine about rampant drug use in the Auburn football program was accurate.
“I’ll have to say, those guys at ESPN the Magazine did an extraordinary job investigating this endemic,” said Jacobs. “If they hang around the journalism business long enough, they’ll be almost as good at that stuff as Selena Roberts.”
Jacobs did acknowledge that the year Auburn won the national championship, close to fifty players did test positive for Schedule I narcotics. “But the majority of it was for marijuana,” reasoned Jacobs. “And me and the administration here decided that going off to college and smoking some grass is a part of the college experience. A rite of passage! Like a Baptism! Or A Sweet Sixteen Party! And we felt if we turned them in to the authorities it would be taking a dear right of passage away. And they would never forgive us. And they would never donate to the alumni fund!”
Chizik Admits Play For Pay Existed
BRISTOL, CONNECTICUT–Former Auburn football coach Gene Chizik, now a commentator for ESPN, admitted to the network that he did have a very elaborate play-for-pay system in place designed to keep his key players from going to the NFL before using all their college eligibility.
“What I would do, is if I heard a player wanted to leave early, I’d call the like dork in my office and have a real come-to-Jesus meeting,” said Chizik. “Money at the Auburn football program was flowing like water over a dam, so offering players incentive money is something they got accustomed to. Especially when Will (Muschamp) was coaching our defense. And I’d just shoot our guys straight. I’d tell them I’d pay them $10,000 to stay in school. Now I know they could sign an NFL contract worth millions, but I would convince them if they didn’t take my ten grand, I’d also blackball them from the NFL. So instead of someday driving a Cadillac, they’d be back in Union Springs washing Cadillacs!”
Chizik claims most Tiger players were too stupid to call his bluff.
Auburn Administration Owns Up To Academic Fraud
AUBURN, ALABAMA–Auburn President Dr. Jay Gogue, while speaking with Tom Ensey of Raycom Media, confirmed a report in the website Roopstigo.com that academic fraud was quite prevalent on Auburn’s 2010 National Championship team.
“I believe 16 players would have been academically ineligible for the bowl game with Oregon,” said Gogue. “This included seven starters. But we just called their professors aside and said, ‘Hey, those guys are too preoccupied memorizing playbooks to have time to go to class. So show some school spirit and change their failing grade to a passing grade.’ Some professors argued about protecting the academic integrity of the school. So we simply told them about the time a professor at Michigan State was on the verge of flunking Magic Johnson in a hotel management class but he was thrown into a vat of boiling zinc at nearby GM plant before he got the chance. They took the hint!”
Gus Malzahn Admits Knowledge Of Players Doing Spice
AUBURN, ALABAMA–Newly-hired Auburn coach Gus Malzahn did acknowledge that he had knowledge of players doing “Spice” when he was an assistant during the Tigers’ 2010 National Championship run, but claims he didn’t realize they were smoking the highly-addictive narcotic synthetic marijuana; he thought they were just listening to The Spice Girls, the British pop girl band which has sold 28 million records worldwide.
“Just about every evening when we would finish our position meetings, the players would say to me, ‘We’re going over Mike’s (Dyer) crib to do some Spice,” Malzahn told George Stephanopoulos on Good Morning America. “And I instantly thought they were going to listen to Ginger and Posh and Baby sing ‘Stop.’ Why would I think anything else? I know my wife and I loved listening to that song. In fact, my wife listened to it just before she did an interview with a pastor at a church in Springdale, Arkansas.”
Malzahn claims had he known the players were actually smoking designer drugs he would have acted immediately. “You can tell your buddies at ESPN the Magazine, ever since I was a little boy, I have always hated controlled substances that contain any trace of Gamma Hydroxybutyric Acid and I would have immediately told the Alabama State Attorney General and recommended they serve no less than ten years and no more than life.”
Pat Dye Admits Knowledge Of Players Doing Spice
AUBURN, ALABAMA–Former Auburn coach Pat Dye did acknowledge that he had knowledge of players doing “Spice” during the Tigers’ 2010 National Championship run, but claims he didn’t realize they were smoking the highly-addictive designer drug synthetic marijuana; he thought they were just putting on some Old Spice Aftershave before hitting the town.
“I can’t even begin to tell you the number of times when players would see me walking up to the athletic offices, and they’d come over and say, ‘Coach, we’re going to Mike’s (Dyer) crib to do some Spice, then we’re gonna cruise the boulevard for some chicks!’” Dye told Kevin Scarbinsky of the Birmingham News.
“I thought they were just doing what we did all the time at Georgia when I was in college: going back to their dorm rooms, putting on some Old Spice Aftershave, getting themselves smelling nice and manly, then going about the campus meeting lovely Southern belles. Had I known they were doing designer drugs I’d have immediately turned them in to the appropriate authorities and demand they be made to read every Selena Roberts’ column for the next ten years!”
Tim Brando Admits Knowledge Of Players Doing Spice
SHREVEPORT, LOUISIANA–CBS Sports radio host Tim Brando has acknowledged he had knowledge of Auburn players doing “Spice” during the Tigers’ 2010 BCS Championship, but claims he didn’t know they were smoking the highly-addictive designer drug synthetic marijuana; he thought they were using Cajun Spice, a bold spice mix which is many times used in place of salt in Tim’s home state of Louisiana.
“I interviewed Gene Chizik many times during that championship season,” said Brando. “And many times he said to me, ‘Timmy, my guys couldn’t be happier with all the Spice they are doing.’ Naturally I thought he meant they were adding a tasty seasoning to their fish and pork and rice; a delicious combination us Louisianians have found nothing short of delightful for years.”
Brando claims had he known the players were actually smoking a lethal designer drug, he’d have contacted the Louisiana Coast Guard and had them thrown in the Gulf of Mexico immediately, no questions asked.
Moving to other interests in the SEC:
Johnny Football’s Havin’ Fun But, He’s No Joe Willie!
Okay, Johnny Football has been made to seem like a Colin Farrell in shoulder pads with an extremely active off-season , being seen with celebrities (Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel, etc.) at major events (Super Bowl, NBA games, etc.) and cutting loose (drinking alcohol on spring break, etc.) but those comparing him to an up-and-coming Joe Willie Namath are sure kidding themselves. Let it be known, Joe Willie didn’t just go against the grain, he didn’t just march to the beat of a drummer he alone heard, Joe Willie Namath transformed society as we knew it!
Namath was the original freedom-loving iconoclast, a James Dean (“Rebel Without A Cause”) in a jockstrap if ever there was such a thing. The long hair, FuManchu mustache, fur coat, shag-rugged bachelor pad, Lincoln Continental and constant companionship with the most striking starlets on the planet Earth, all added to the mythology. Where ever he went, or what ever he did, the press covered it as if the president had just issued a major initiative. Speaking of presidents, Namath’s constant presence in the no-fly zone is why many think he ended up on Richard Nixon’s fabled “Enemies List. (That’s the only logical explanation, because Joe Willie sure never had any interest in politics!) So, even the Executive Branch of the United States government was always keeping tabs on what Joe Namath was up to!
His quick release, man-about-town image, marketable nickname (“Broadway Joe”) and outrageous conduct made him what one franchise owner termed, “The biggest sports attraction since Babe Ruth.”
Namath didn’t just predict his team would win the Super Bowl, he guaranteed it. (Even thought he was a 19-point underdog!) He didn’t just hang with divas, he made movies and commercials with them. He didn’t just make the front covers of local newspapers, he made the front cover of Time Magazine. He didn’t just tell the commissioner he would not sell his nightclub, he retired on national television to underscore the point.
Joe Willie Namath was an icon to a generation. Amendments had to be added to the Constitution to accommodate Joe Willie!
No, if Johnny Football is ever going to hit in Joe Willie’s league, here’s the kind of headlines and stories we need to see in the next few months:
Johnny Football Hits The Vegas Strip With Lindsey Lohan
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA–The network TMZ is reporting that actress Lindsey Lohan, in direct violation of her supervised probation, spent Tuesday evening cavorting up and down Las Vegas Boulevard drinking alcoholic beverages with Texas A&M Heisman Trophy winner John “Johnny Football” Manziel.
“I know this is something that will probably get me another court-ordered trip to Betty Ford, but going out on the town in Vegas with the Heisman Trophy winner is something no woman in her right mind could pass up,” reasoned Lohan.
The couple was seen going in and coming out of the Venetian, the Bellagio, the Tropicana before ending their ending as Caesar’s Palace.
“I really had a great time,” said Johnny Football. “I know there are people who will criticize me, but what’s the big deal? If Joe Willie Namath can escort Rachel Welch to the Academy Awards, why can’t I escort Lindsey Lohan up and down the Vegas strip?”
Manziel’s logic was commended by the Washington Post.
Johnny Football Goes To Church With Britney Spears
KENTWOOD, LOUISIANA–The pastor of the First Congregation Church of God in Kentwood, Louisiana has issued a written plea with John “Johnny Football” Manziel to stop singing the song, “Opps, I Did It Again,” each and every time he walks into church with entertainer Britney Spears and her family.
The story, first reported by Baton Rouge Advocate, claims that Pastor Martin Buckholtz has become furious at all the attention Manziel is getting at services. “We are in the business of saving souls, and he appears to be in the business of getting of piece of tail, and these two don’t really mix well,” Buckholtz.
Buckholtz said there is no question in his mind Johnny Football not serious about the service, he’s just looking for a photo op from People or Us magazines. “If Huey Long were still the governor of this state this would not be permitted,” he said. “Russell Long, maybe, but not Huey.”
Responded Manziel, “If Joe Willie Namath can get publicity showing up at a Broadway play to watch Barbara Streisand sing, I can get publicity showing up at a church to watch Britney Spears pray!”
Johnny Football Makes An Appearance On “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”
LOS ANGELES, CA.–Texas A&M president Dr. R. Bowen Lofton has announced that Aggie quarterback John “Johnny Football” Manziel will make an appearance on an upcoming episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, a reality series on E!, which follows the lives of Kim Kardashian and her family.
“This gets Johnny a foot in the door of the entertainment industry,” said Lofton. “We always want to help our students succeed and this is one way we can help out.
Lofton pointed out that Joe Willie Namath was always making appearances on things like the The Flip Wilson Show, The Brady Bunch, Rowan and Martin’s Laugh In, The Dean Martin Show, and Here’s Lucy, just to name a few. And he feels if Johnny is ever going to be a Joe Willie, he needs to jump in and get his feet wet.
“I know I’m going to get criticized for this, but I’m ready for it,” said Manzeil. “But what the heck, if Joe Willie Namath can make a cameo with Farrah Fawcett, what’s wrong with me making a cameo with Kim Kardashian?”
Johnny Football Swims At White House
WASHINGTON, D.C.–Alabama coach Nick Saban has directed harsh criticism at Texas A&M Heisman Trophy winner Johnny “Johnny Football” Manziel for jumping into a pool of water located in the center of the White House compound.
“It is very evident what Johnny Football is trying to do here,” explained Saban. “He knows that Joe Willie Namath got a ton of publicity during his heyday for being on Nixon’s Enemies List. And this is just a cheap effort by Johnny to get the Obama Administration all bent out of shape at him, and thereby getting additional publicity.”
“I don’t think there is any question Johnny is trying to be the first quarterback from the SEC to draw the ire of the White House since Joe Willie,” said Auburn coach Gus Malzahn. “And I think Johnny needs to use better judgement. We don’t need this kind of negative publicity. Could you imagine if Cam Newton did something like that!”
Manziel declined comment as to why he jumped in the pool.
The SEC said the incident is under investigation.
Johnny Football Works Security at Lil Wayne Concerts
NEW ORLEANS, LA.–The Birmingham News is reporting that, in what appears to be a publicity stunt, Texas A&M football player John “Johnny Football” Manziel has agreed to work a summer tour handling security at Lil Wayne concerts.
“Johnny Football said he needs the money, but I don’t believe it,” said as source close to the case. “I fully believe Johnny Football knows how much publicity Joe Willie Namath was able to get when the young lad from Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania started hanging around people like Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby. And he wants to follow that same blueprint to stardom by building a celebrity base he can associate with.”
Texas A&M coach Kevin Sumlin roundly denied that theory.
“Johnny needs a good sold summer job so he can have some spending money in the fall,” said Sumlin. “That way he can get spending money without mugging and robbing people like the incidents we have seen at Auburn and Alabama. But, if he ever needs to learn how to mug and rob people, who better to teach him than Lil Wayne’s clientele?”
Johnny Football Throws Puff Daddy Off His Yacht
MALIBU, CALIFORNIA–The Wall Street Journal is reporting that Johnny “Johnny Football” Manziel recently had security remove record producer Sean “Puff Daddy” Combs from his yacht which was docked at a port off the Pacific Ocean.
“It was all a big misunderstanding,” said a spokesman for Combs. “Puff got on the yacht assuming it would be no problem, but he later found out Johnny rented the yacht for a cruise he was about to take with an army of Victoria Secret models. If Puff got on the yacht, there would not have been room for all the models Johnny wanted to take on board, so Puff was asked to leave.”
“Johnny is certainly highly aware of his image,” said Texas A&M publicist Alan Cannon. “And he knew darn good and well if he went of a cruise with Puff it could amount to the kind of negative headlines a fine institution like Texas A&M simply does not need. Therefore, he decided to play it safe a kick Puff off the boat.”
“Plus, this will make up for the time Mr. T punched Joe Willie Namath on the set of the A-Team,” added Manziel.
Johnny Football Hosts TV Show With Cameron Diaz
“The way we look at this is if Joe Willie Namath can run off to Hollywood and make a movie with Ann-Margaret, then there is no reason Johnny Football can’t run off to Hollywood and host a variety show with a current-day A-list Hollywood starlet,” said Roman Young, president of CBS Television City.
The content of the variety show is for the most part unknown at this time, although Young said Manziel will not be permitted to ask Diaz any questions about Justin Timberlake or Alex Rodriquez, and Diaz would not be permitted to ask Manziel any questions abut Brittney Griner.
Johnny Football Petitions NCAA To Drink Johnnie Walker Red On The Sidelines
OVERLAND PARK, KANSAS–NCAA president Mark Emmert announced that the governing body of college athletics has passed a new rule forbidding players from drinking Johnnie Walker Red on the sidelines during competition.
Emmert said his staff got word that Texas A&M quarterback John “Johnny Football” Manziel was planning on using a bottle of Johnnie Walker Red in lieu of a sip bottle this upcoming season, so he decided to head the issue off at the pass by outlawing alcoholic beverages from the sidelines.
“What Manziel was planning on doing was clearly a publicity stunt,” said Emmert. “Our sources tell us he clearly has a predilection for that ole Joe Namath line, ‘I like my girls blonde and my Johnnie Walker Red.’ Well, on the sidelines he will have neither. This would be bad publicity for colleges.”
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