…Unless They Look Like Suzy Storm!
By the end of the first quarter the Irish wished to heck the Mayans were right. Notre Dame was dealing with an underwater oil spill that had grown out of control and showed no signs of containment. And about that time, reality hit both the Irish and the national TV audience like a wicked blindside block: Notre Dame has been living a lie all year long. This was a team that could have lost to everyone from Michigan to Pittsburgh to BYU to Stanford but somehow utilized an endless supply of luck to arrive in Miami 12-0. That luck not only ran out, when Notre Dame found itself in a confrontation with a real, live SEC heavyweight, the Irish fell to their knees like primitive pagan people.
Gotta credit the promoters though. It was amusing was to watch attempts from both Irish diehards and certain members of the media to try to talk up a fight with all sorts of insinuating that Notre Dame had the same kind of mystic powers as a leprechaun, always figuring out a way to survive. As if this Notre Dame history, and Notre Dame mystique was somehow going to run, block and tackle against the Tide. Reality was, the leprechaun couldn’t catch up to Forrest Gump in a four-wheel drive pickup.
So the real game wasn’t on the field and it never was. It was how much publicity “the two most storied programs in the history of college football” could generate. And they did generate boxcar numbers in that area. All sorts of fanfare accompanies everything the teams do during national championship week, whether its a visit to an old folks home or children’s hospital. So…here are several bowl week festivities that didn’t happen, but sure would have generated massive publicity:
Alabama Greats Reenact Elian Gonzalez Capture
MIAMI, FLORIDA–Dr. Judy Bonner, president of the University of Alabama, has announced that the university is sponsoring an exhibition at the Colony Theater Friday afternoon in which the Alabama greats will reenact the capture of Elian Gonzales, to help celebrate the 12-year anniversary of a controversy that involved the governments of both the United States and Cuba. Gonzalez was a refugee from Cuba living with relatives in Miami, who did not want to return the boy to his father in Cuba. After months of negotiations, the issue was resolved when eight SWAT-equipped agents of the Border Patrol conducted a predawn raid on the home Elian was staying at, using pepper spray and mace to subdue anyone who tried to interfere. Gonzalez was captured at gunpoint, then transported to his father’s custody.
“This is will a great educational opportunity for college football fans to grasp the necessity of shared cooperation between countries,” said Dr. Bonner. “And some of our legendary football players have agreed to participate in the demonstration. We invite both the fans of Notre Dame an Alabama to the Colony Theater for an afternoon we know they will all enjoy.”
Crimsonettes Visit Prisoners In Miami-Dade County Jail
MIAMI, FLORIDA–Dr. Mark Nelson, the vice president for student affairs at the University of Alabama, has announced that the Crimsonettes, an auxiliary unit of the Million Dollar Band consisting of 20 women twirlers, will visit the Miami-Dade County Correctional Facility during the week of the BCS Championship.
“These are the most dangerous incarcerated criminals in the country,” said Nelson. “And our girls want to talk with them with hopes of rehabilitating their lives, which include transgressions of everything from armed robbery to manslaughter to drug trafficking.”
“I’m not saying this is a bad idea, but it is going to be awfully costly to the taxpayers,” said Miami mayor Tomas Regalgo. “The security costs are going to run into the hundreds of thousands. We are going to have to call out 500 members of the National Guard with riot gear to properly protect the Crimsonettes.”
A.J. McCarron Lectures Gangs On Proper Tattoo Use
MIAMI, FLORIA–O. Ford Gibson, the chairman of the Orange Bowl committee, has announced that Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron will forgo the Crimson Tide’s scheduled visit to a children’s hospital in order to conduct a seminar on proper tattoo use for gang members in the south Florida area.
“We can’t thank A.J. enough,” said Gibson. “This is a great community service he is performing. The gangs can look up to a player who has more tattoos than they do. This gives him much credibility with gang members, especially the ones who have already done jail time.”
Alabama coach Nick Saban, who said McCarron was requested by the Latin Syndicate, feels the seminar will be nothing short of spectacular. “Tattooing has alot of health risks from infection to allergic conditions. And I know A.J. will present great ideas, such as using sterile equipment, that can help these young men ease the risks of encapsulating pigment particles in fibrous tissue.”
The seminar will be held on the conference room of the Harbor Beach Marriott Resort.
Notre Dame Mascot To Play Strip Poker With Real Housewives Of Miami
MIAMI, FLORDIA--Robert Bernhand, Notre Dame vice president for research, has told the CBS Evening News that Notre Dame’s mascot, the Leprechaun, will work on a special project while in Miami for the BCS Championship in which he will receive college credit by playing strip poker with The Real Housewives Of Miami.
“I think it is important we get inside the infrastructure of The Real Housewives Of Miami, so we can understand just how this component is interconnected with the elements that provide framework support,” said Bernhand.
Bernhand feels playing strip poker with the major elements of the program will allow the Leprechaun to compile research on how women who speak five different languages successfully interact with women who are married to our nation’s top criminal defense attorneys to women who socialize with top plastic surgeons in the community. “This is a fascinating field for research,” said Bernhand. “And I’m confident the Leprechaun will not let this assignment interfere with rooting for the Irish.”
Let’s Play Celebrity Genuflect!
Another prominent staple of a national championship are all the takes the media gets on the situation from legends of the particular schools. The legends do interviews with EVERYONE! But I can handle it when the media talks to people like Joe Montana or Joe Namath or Ken Stabler or Tim Brown, but…Rudy Ruettiger kinda wears me out. All Rudy ever did was walk on, tell an incredibly fabricated story about it, allowing him to become an international icon. Ever wonder what may have happened if Rudy had channeled his energy in other directions? If he had tried to join something else? Other exclusive clubs as renowned as Notre Dame football? With that in mind, here are some other organizations Rudy could have walked on with and maybe even created some interest in Hollywood:
Rudy Walks On With Somalia Pirates
March 17, 1992
MOGADISHU, SOMALIA–Abdi Hassan, the founding father of the Somalia Pirates, has told the African World Press that Daniel “Rudy” Ruettiger has been granted permission to walk on with the Somalia Pirates in the spring semester.
“Rudy is a hustler and he’s an old navy guy,” said Hassan. “And he realizes maritime robbery of shipments entering and exiting the Red Sea could produce billions. And he wants in on the bottom floor.”
According to Hassan, Rudy originally applied for membership but was roundly rejected because he is woefully underqualified to work any phase of pirate operations from reading GPS devices to dumping toxic waste in the Indian Ocean.
“We told him he is too short, fat, slow and dumb to be a pirate, and recommended he try something like pump-and-dump stock schemes,” said Hassan. “But he yelled, ‘I CAN DO IT!’ and even offered to buy his own pirate suit. So we told him we’d let him walk on.”
Rudy Walks On With Black Panthers
May 22, 1969
OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA–The Black Panthers, an African American revolutionary group, has circulated word all throughout neighborhoods in inner city Oakland, that Daniel “Rudy” Ruettiger wants to walk on with the organization.
“I don’t quite know what to make of this one,” said group founder Bobby Seale. “The guy is 5-nothing, 100-and nothing, has barely a speck of athletic ability, and he wants to try to hang in there with some of the most violent dudes in the country? Doesn’t make sense.”
Ruettiger, claims he had breakfast with Huey Newton and H. Rap Brown earlier in the morning, and he clearly spelled his goals out for them. “My father has always been a big Jane Fonda fan, and he would do anything to see me get to meet Jane Fonda. And I would like to give him this one gift: I’d like to meet Jane Fonda. And joining the Black Panthers is the most realistic way I could meet Jane Fonda,” he said.
Rudy also put on his application that he has a predilection for blowing up police stations and never has been fond of southern governors.
Rudy Walks On With Gambino Crime Family
November 3, 1974
NEW YORK, NEW YORK–Jerry Capeci, crime columnist for the New York Daily News, is reporting that the Gambino Crime Family is giving Daniel “Rudy” Ruettiger an opportunity to walk on as a hit man with the Gambino Crime Syndicate, one of five “families” that dominates organized crime in the United States.
“I’d like to thank Carlo Gambino for giving me this dream opportunity,” said Ruettiger. “You know, Carlo is the only one who ever took me seriously.”
Gambino said dreaming is the only thing that makes life tolerable,adding, “I told Rudy that no one, and I mean no one, comes into our house and pushes us around.”
Gambino said Ruettiger would be assigned to a division that specializes in construction racketeering, gambling, loansharking, extortion, pier thefts as well as airport cargo hijackings. Rudy’s job will be to provide muscle against any opposition. “We plan on giving Rudy a few murder contracts and see how he does,” said Gambino. “We will eventually evaluate him and determine if his performance warrants a position on our team.”
Rudy Walks On With Heidi Fleiss
October 21, 1991
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA–TMZ is reporting tonight that Daniel “Rudy” Ruettiger has made a proposition to Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss, in which Rudy is asking to walk on with her organization as a secret sex worker catering to the ultra elite in southern California.
“He just doesn’t get it,” said Fleiss. “He got several years of top-quality education at one of the best schools in the land, but he wants to work for me instead of utilizing his Notre Dame degree? I wish he’d quit wasting my time!”
Fleiss said she told Ruettiger there is just not much demand for men in her line of work. “But that didn’t slow his enthusiasm down a bit,” she said. “He said he’s a dreamer and is willing to do whatever is necessary to make my team.” Fleiss also said Rudy’s first meeting with the other workers in her organization was not accepted well. “All he did was talk about Ara Parseghian. The girls were wondering if maybe he should get an autographed picture of Ara and kiss it each night before bed. Or if maybe Ara would give Rudy permission to wipe his buttocks!”
Rudy Walks On With Mexican Drug Cartel
May 1, 2012
AGUA PRIETA, MEXICO–Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, head of the Sinaloa Drug Cartel and, according to Forbes Magazine, the 55th most powerful man in the world, has told Blog del Narco that his organization plans to let Daniel “Rudy” Reuttiger walk on as a money launderer.
“I think is is only fair that someone give Rudy a second chance,” said El Chapo. “Okay, he failed miserably in his pump-and-dump stock fraud. But you can’t be a master criminal right out of the jalapeno pepper can. He deserves another chance to prove himself, and my organization is going to give him that chance!”
According to El Chapo, Reuttiger will work in conjunction with Wachovia Bank to launder billions of dollars in cocaine profits into the bank’s accounts through wire transfers, traveler’s checks and cash shipments. “I explained to Rudy that he’s not here to be any nanny in a kindergarten. And I told him if he wants to run home to mamma, well, now’s his chance.”
Three-time Olympian Suzy Favor-Hamilton’s revelation that she did indeed live a double life as a high-priced escort can be viewed as incredibly sad or incredibly amusing. Given our druthers, as Gene Stallings said to me dozens of times, I’d like to view it as incredibly amusing. How can a woman who seemed to have everything–looks, athletic ability, family, fame, fortune–slip off into the seedy world of prostitution? Then confide her real identity to complete strangers in her clientele? Then try to explain the lustful paragraphs she herself put on the profile page of her escort agency in an attempt to market herself? Then try to justify it all by claiming she did it to combat depression? Is she trying to be the first one in Wisconsin over the fiscal cliff? “Battling depression” has always been a one-size-fits-all explanation for blatant irresponsibility and…that being the case, here are some other entertaining scenarios that did not happen–but it sure as hell would be funny it they did–of Alabama icons who started living double lives in an effort to battle the effects of depression:
Gene Stallings Lived A Double Life As A Door-To-Door Snake Oil Salesman
PARIS, TEXAS–The Dallas Morning News is reporting an item that was first touched upon in the website AuburnUnderCover, that former Alabama coach Gene Stallings spent much of 1994 and 1995 living a double life as a door-to-door salesman, selling medical quackery to impoverished households in eastern Mississippi.
“You have to understand, I was very depressed,” said Stallings. “We had just won the national championship, however the NCAA was investigating us heavily. I was certain we’d get NCAA probation and I had a feeling I was going to be made the scape goat. And one way I could get away, was going over to rural counties in eastern Mississippi, going door-to-door selling a bottled herbal remedy I told the people would purify their blood and add ten years to their lives. It relaxed me because just lying through my teeth to people was so similar to what we did in college recruiting. And I felt comfortable.”
It is believed Stallings was outed when he inadvertently showed up at the doorstep of Antonio Langham‘s relatives in Neshoba, Mississippi, and they recognized his voice patterns.
Mark Gottfried Lived A Double Life As A Hospital Santa Claus
RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA–”Pack Pride,” a website devoted to the interests of North Carolina State Wolfpack fans, is reporting that former Alabama basketball coach Mark Gottfried once lived a double life working in disguise as a Santa Claus that catered to hospitals in Jefferson, Walker and Tuscaloosa counties. The work was done in the Christmas seasons Gottfried was out of college coaching.
“I was so depressed I can’t even begin to describe the agony,” said Gottfried, who admitted the report in Pack Pride was accurate. “I had gotten fired at Alabama. The circumstances were such, that I wondered if I’d ever be able to get back in college coaching. And since working as a Santa was consistent with my jolly nature, it gave me some relief from all my depression.”
Gottfried said he really enjoyed getting on his red suit and taking pictures with patients and hospital personal. But according to an anonymous source in Pack Pride, this is what ultimately got him outed. “One of the nurses at DCH Regional Medical Center in Tuscaloosa recognized his jolly nature, and she informed all the other nurses of Mark’s real identity!”
Bill Oliver Lived A Double Life As A Waffle House Cook
EPES, ALABAMA–Bill Oliver, known to one and all as “Brother,” was quoted in this week’s Sports Illustrated as saying he lived a double life the last half of the 1998 season, working as an evening short order cook at a Waffle House Restaurant in Ozark in addition to being interim head coach at Auburn.
“Was it the most difficult part of my career? Not even close!” exclaimed Oliver. “And working as a Waffle House cook was great therapy for me. It got my mind off jackasses like Rodney Allison accusing me of taping Terry Bowden‘s coaches’ meetings. Or Bobby Lowder promising me employment! Or Jimmy Rane wanting me to make goofy commercials with him!”
Oliver said he was attracted to Waffle House because he always liked the concept of fast food with table service and round-the-clock availability. “I was as good as anyone at separating the eggs from the yolks. And I never used buttermilk. I think those things made my waffles as well cooked as any waffles in the state!”
Wimp Sanderson Lived A Double Life As A Scarecrow
BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA–Wimp Sanderson stated on his program 97.3 The Zone that he lived a double life virtually all of the spring in 1992 by also working as a scarecrow for a Pike County subsistence farmer.
“I was very depressed, and this was a way I could fight my depression,” he said. “We were getting ready to play Stanford in the NCAA Tournament, and my secretary, whom I had been having a flaming affair with for 15 years, went bat s – - t crazy. I put my hands up to protect myself, and she ended up injuring her eye. She said I punched her, which I didn’t. However, I knew the 32 years I put in at Alabama were going to be down the drain shortly.”
Sanderson said he gained a real peace of mind by dressing up in old clothes and scaring crows and sparrows away from the growing crops on the farm. “If I hadn’t been so dedicated to my job, there is no telling how much inventory would have been lost!” he said. “The tough part, is that it hurt Crimson Tide recruiting immensely that spring. Because I was always on the farm, I could never be at the office, and David (Hobbs) was left to handle recruiting chores himself. David did a pretty good job, but when the head coach is not there, it is tough to sell the recruits on your school. Still, some of the most satisfactory moments of my life came when I was out on that farm working as a devoted scarecrow!”
Pat Dye Lived A Double Life As A Fortune Teller
LAKE MARTIN, ALABAMA–Izzy Gould is reporting on www.al.com that former Auburn coach Pat Dye lived a double life during the 1992 football season, working as a fortune teller at Ms. Natasha’s Psychic House located off Highway 278 on the outskirts of Gadsden.
“I needed an out, and this was a way I could relieve my depression,” said Dye. “It was my worst time in coaching. Eric Ramsey had made claims that boosters and my coaches were paying him money. The whole thing blew up like I never dreamed possible. Next thing you know, even 60 Minutes and The Wall Street Journal were doing doing stories on it. All sensational crap that had me looking like the biggest outlaw in Alabama since Frank James was robbing stage coaches in Muscle Shoals. And working as a fortune teller really relieved my stress. I very much enjoyed reading tea leaves in a cup. Or making predictions based on card formations. Or gazing into a crystal ball and telling suckers they were going to win the lottery the following week. I felt very comfortable. It reminded me of recruiting, when I used to put the parents of recruits in a trance by promising their boy would win the Heisman Trophy by his sophomore year!”
Terry Bowden Lived A Double Life As A Circus Juggler
AKRON, OHIO–Former Auburn Coach Terry Bowden has told The Cleveland Plain Dealer that he lived a double life during the first half of the 1998 season by working as a part-time juggler for Ringling Brothers & Barnum and Bailey Circus.
“In 1998 things unraveled beyond anyone’s belief, and I needed an out to mitigate my depression,” said Bowden. “My record at Auburn was 46-12-1 heading into the year. Then a combination of injuries, bad luck and horrible politics had me a nervous wreck.”
The newspaper reports that Bowden originally applied for a ringmaster position, but when he was rejected, he reapplied for work as a juggler. “I felt being around clowns and acrobats and trapeze artists and tight rope walkers was a much better way to go through life than being around Bobby Lowder and David Housel and Wayne Hall and that wanna be, Jimmy Rane. And being a circus juggler was a way to combat my depression.”
Bowden claims he was outed at a performance in Jacksonville, Florida when one of the spectators recognized him from Great Southern Wood commercials.
Nick Saban Lived A Double Life As An Elvis Impersonator
MIAMI, FLORIDA–Alabama football coach Nick Saban, while speaking to the Miami media prior to the BCS national championship game, admitted that he lived a double life during the 2006 football season, working as an Elvis impersonator at nightclubs in South Beach and all throughout southern Florida.
“(Starting quarterback) Dante (Culpepper) was still recovering from a knee injury and I knew from the first day of training camp it was going to be a long season,” said Saban, whose team finished 6-10 that year. “And one way I could fight all the depression I was feeling was to put on a white jumpsuit with plenty of jewelry, and book performances signing rockabilly at places like the Cristal Nightclub.”
Saban said he did enjoy the work, but it could be grueling. “I had one nightclub owner scold me because I didn’t gyrate my hips enough,” he said. “So it was getting a little old. Needless to say I was very relieved when Barry Allen called and offered me the Alabama job. I knew right then and there I’d never have to sing Heartbreak Hotel ever again!”
Saban did not go into much detail and said he would take no further questions from the Miami media but did add he really likes the Miami media.
Mike DuBose Lived A Double Life As Tour Guide At Birmingham Civil Rights Institute
MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE–Former Alabama head football coach Mike DuBose told the Touchdown Club of Memphis tonight that he became so depressed during the 2000 season, he took a part-time job as a tour guide at the Birmingham Civil Rights Institute as a way of coping with the depression.
“I guess you could say I was living at double life,” said DuBose. “We were favored by many to win the national championship that year. But we got upset out at UCLA in the opener and stunned by Southern Miss a few weeks later. And on top of the terrible record, the NCAA was investigating us and all that Debbie Gibson scandal was reappearing in the press as well. I was feeling pressure like never before. So I tried tour guiding, and after one date I was hooked!”
DuBose claimed he enjoyed providing assistance, information and interpretation for the visitors on the organized tours. “I drove to the Institute directly after practice,” said DuBose. “I was very fortunate no one recognized me because if they had, I would have had no choice but to sic’em with fire hoses and police dogs!”
David Housel Lived A Double Life As Goalie For The Macon Whoopee
AUBURN, ALABAMA–The Plainsman, the college paper for Auburn, is reporting that former athletic director David Housel lived a double life during 2004 by also working as goalie for the Macon Whoopee of the Central Hockey League.
“I was very depressed, and this helped my depression,” said Housel. “We had just been caught redhanded in Jetgate. And I felt for sure they were going to make me take full responsibility and ask for my resignation. And getting hockey pucks fired at your head at 100 miles per hour was a way I relieved the stress.”
According to Macon coach Pierre LaBre, Housel might have been the best goalie ever in the Central Hockey League. “I know I never had a more effective goalie in all the years I coached,” he said. “I’m surprised David didn’t get offered an NHL contract, as effective as he was. With his impressive girth, all we had to do is place put in in right in front of the goal, and his wide body left such little room for puck penetration, opponents got very frustrated. I couldn’t even begin to count the number of pucks that bounced off his chest protector. To paraphrase what they used to say about Henry Aaron, ‘Trying to sneak a puck by David Housel was like trying to sneak a sunset past a rooster!’”
Bobby Lowder Lived A Double Life As Paul Finebaum’s Auburn Copy Writer
WINSTON-SALEM, NORTH CAROLINA–Branch Banking & Trust, a North Carolina-based bank institution with assets exceeding $183 billion, claims its forensic accountants have uncovered information revealing that former Colonial Bank CEO Bobby Lowder lived a double life for close to 25 years ghostwriting stories on Auburn University for Birmingham News columnist Paul Finebaum.
“What our investigators have done, is locate documentation which confirms what has been suspected in the state of Alabama for years, that being, all of the Finebaum columns on the Auburn Tigers for over two decades were actually written by Bobby Lowder,” said CEO Robert Greene. “Evidently this was a way Bobby could get away from the depression that goes along with losing 160 million dollars of your own money and getting investigated by the FBI for TARP fraud by overseeing the sixth largest bank failure in U.S. history.”
Forensic accountants claim they got highly suspicious when noticing all the copy Finebaum wrote lavishly praising Bobby Lowder.
Paul Finebaum Is Actually An Actor From Astoria, Queens Named Bud Isringhausen Hired By Bobby Lowder As An Andy Kaufman Prank
WINSTON-SALEM, NORTH CAROLINA–Forensic accountants for Branch Banking & Trust, the American bank which purchased Colonial Bank when Colonial BancGroup was shut down by federal regulators, claim they uncovered evidence which shows a good portion of the 26 billion in assets Colonial lost, was due to a massive prank played by former CEO Bobby Lowder, in which he hired an actor out of Astoria, New York to come to Alabama and set up shop in in Birmingham under the name of Paul Finebaum.
“Bobby must have got a kick out of this one, because it cost his bank a fortune,” said lead investigator Michael Bowers. “Finebaum is actually an actor named Bud Isringhausen who had just graduated from the Julliard School of Acting. (The school the TV show Fame is based on) Mr. Lowder was clearly into Andy Kaufman-type pranks and this was a very elaborate hoax.”
BB&T said it is considering reporting this to the FBI, but has declined to do so at this point for the simple reason they know the FBI is busy as hell investigating Colonial Bank for TARP fraud.
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