Derek Dooley Attended Kim Jong Il’s Funeral! And Other Nasty Rumors We Could Start!
  • Did you hear that the Louisiana State football team never made it home after the BCS Championship? That’s because someone put a 50-yard line marker in front of the team bus and no one on LSU knew how to go past it! Yuk! Yuk! Yuk! The last time a Tiger got pounded this bad, it involved a professional golfer, a fire hydrant, some clubs and an irate wife! Yuk! Yuk! Yuk! Did you hear that Nick Saban now owns a new pickup? He drives one with less miles. Yuk! Yuk! Yuk! The jokes certainly go on and on and on, and they will roll on and on and on.

    For Bama fans the trip to New Orleans was, as they’d say in the French Quarter, “Laissez les bons temps rouler” or “Let the good times roll!” You’d just about have to go back to the days of Pickett’s Charge to find a national confrontation where a group of guys from the south were routed so badly. Bama fans were loving it all and they had every right to be loving it all.

    For the BCS Championship Trophy stays in Alabama for three straight years and now comes…MISSION IMPOSSIBLE! Is there anyway to keep it here for four? Or five? Or six? The next four weeks are the most important parts of the season. That’s when the Tide and Tigers will try to gather up the talent needed to keep those BCS trophies right here in Alabama. Signing day is right around the corner. The final days of the recruiting season are here. And as everyone who has ever been on the recruiting trail knows, political mudslinging doesn’t have a thing on college recruiting. You’ll say anything nasty and negative about the other guy if you think it will help you sign a player.

    How can the Tide and Tigers get a decisive advantage? By practicing pure McCarthyism, of course. Put the other guy on the hook and make him explain himself! As Joe McCarthy found out, the accusation gets page one, the denial gets page three. So let’s go for MISSION IMPOSSIBLE! With that in mind, here is a list of potential juciy rumors the Tide and Tiger coaches could use to hurt opponents and make sure Alabama and Auburn ends up with the best players in this year’s signing batch:

    Derek Dooley Attended Kim Jong-Il’s Funeral

    KNOXVILLE, Tn.–Tennessee head football coach Derek Dooley held a press conference today to deny rumors that he recently attended the funeral of former North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-Il, who died December 17, 2011 of a suspected heart attack while travelling by train to Pyongyang.

    “This is a ridiculous, baldfaced, out-and-out falsehood,” fumed the 22nd head football coach in Tennessee history. “Some one is out there trying to make me look like a pawn for the People’s Workers Party of Korea so they can sabotage my recruiting class.”

    “If I find out who is spreading this crap about my baby boy, I’ll crack a tire iron over his dad gum head,” said Dooley’s mother, Barbara, on a talk show she hosted on an Atlanta radio station this past weekend.

    Dooley said he became aware of the rumor when he was confronted about it by the father of a player the Vols are recruiting in Marina del Rey, California. “I was just flabbergasted when the dad told me of this rumor,” Dooley insisted. “Tennessee has a good-sized recruiting budget, but they certainly don’t have the money to fly me to Pyongyang on a whim, put me up at the Ryugyong Hotel, get me a car rental from Pyeonghwa Motors, feed me at the Tongil Restaurant, just to pay my final respects to some pork chop little weenie who runs some de facto absolute monarchy that won’t even join the United Nations!”

    Since USC is also recruiting the same player, it has been speculated that Lane Kiffin planted the rumor because Lane was not only regarded as a “pork chop little weenie” by Vol fans, he is regarded as a “pork chop little weenie who broke NCAA rules any time he pleased.”

    Kim Yong-nam, Chairman of the Supreme Assembly of North Korea said he did not see Dooley at the funeral, but Kim Yong-nam added that he wouldn’t know Robert Neyland from the Maytag repair man.

    “We have got to get this rumor quashed,” said Dooley. “If word gets around that I am a ch’inaehan’un jidoja of Kim Jong-Il’s, I won’t be able to recruit a tackling dummy from Pigeon Forge!”

    Will Muschamp Moonlights As One of The Seven Dwarfs

    GAINSVILLE, Fl.–University of Florida athletic director Jeremy Foley, while speaking on the Sunshine Network, once again denied that Gator head football coach Will Muschamp moonlights as an employee of  Walt Disney World Orlando, filling in as one of the Seven Dwarfs.

    “This is very degrading to Will, to intimate that he actually gets in a costume earmarked for Dopey or Sneezy, and parades around Disney World singing, ‘Hi ho! Hi ho! It’s off to work we go!’” said Foley.

    Foley went on to say he feels this rumor was started in the chat room of a Florida State fan site. The information given was that Muschamp lost all his money to a Ponzi schemer in Texas and had no choice but to take a part-time job at Disney World to try to make up the lost funds. Foley said he feels the rumor was started by rival schools to get recruits thinking Muschamp may have a preference for people who are Snow White.

    Les Miles Is A Front Man For Organized Crime In Louisiana

    BATON ROGUE, La.–Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal, while speaking on Meet The Press this morning, denied a rumor that LSU football coach Les Miles has been identified as a major front man for organized crime in the Pelican State.

    “Unfortunately, a lot of this emanated from the fact that Coach Miles has been nicknamed “The Mad Hatter” for his tendency to roll the dice on fourth down,”  said Jindal. “A rumor started Les was actually given the nickname by crime boss John Gotti, because Les reminded Gotti of the renowned gangster Albert Anastasia, who controlled the waterfront rackets in Brooklyn.”

    Jindal went on to say that when video poker caught on in the state of Louisiana, rumors got started that the mob allegedly persuaded Miles to use his celebrity status as the Bayou Bengals football coach to utilize the huge profits and bribe public officials to purchase political protection for organized criminals. “There was even a rumor that Les used to meet once a week with the descendants of Carlos Marcello at Mosca’s Italian Restaurant and discussed how to dump the bodies of rivals into the swampland of the significant real estate holdings the family still has in southeastern Louisiana, so they could be eaten from alligators and nutria rats. But there is nothing to this. These were just rumors started by rival schools to hurt LSU recruiting. Les Miles is in no way associated with the mob.”

    Terry Bowden Loaned Racing Cart By Akron Soap Box Derby

    AKRON, Ohio–Mike Salsbury, chairman of the board for the National Soap Box Derby Championship which is held each year in Akron, Ohio, has announced that his organization will provide a racing cart to new Akron Zip coach Terry Bowden for recruiting purposes.

    “This was pretty much a no-brainer once we realized the preposterous situation Coach Bowden was in,” said Salsbury. “When it was brought to our attention that Terry got two traffic violations, didn’t show up in court, didn’t pay the tickets, owes over 500 dollars and has had his driver’s license suspended by the state of Alabama, well, you can’t blame all of that on Brother Bill Oliver. In fact, now we know why Brother Bill hung the nickname ‘Buster Brown’ on Coach Bowden.”

    Salsbury said he and other Akron Zip supporters knew it would be impossible for Bowden to get around the Midwest and effectively recruit for the Zips without some sort of transportation. ”Once we realized Terry driver’s license had been suspended we realized he needed some wheels, and this is a means of getting him from high school to high school to sell Akron. Plus, as short as he is he can easily slide into the cart.”

    “I certainly would like to thank the National Soap Box Derby for their support,” said Bowden. “The cart they gave me is not only an effective way to get around and recruit, it also provides a means by which I can make it back to Alabama to respond to the arrest warrants they have out on me.”

    The Penn State Mess—

    The Penn State debacle has to be one of the saddest stories ever in all of sports. A school that was renowned for sportsmanship and class is now a toxic wasteland many insist on calling Pedophile U. trying to “take control of the narrative.” Many in the national media continue to make the Nittany Lions appear to be a bunch of backwoods hillbillies who played by their own rules for decades. You know Penn State critics have to be laughing themselves silly every time video of Jerry Sandusky is shown in his Penn State gear as he walks handcuffed on the way to getting booked at the police station. You wonder how many decades will have to pass before Penn State will be rid of this stench and be able to operate Sandusky-joke free. You wonder where the next series of venemous stories is going to hit the front page or the A-block of the six and ten news, although when Sandusky does finally get to trial the pundits won’t be devoid of material. Well….here’s to wishing, hoping and praying Happy Valley can some day restore its venerable reputation for honor, dignity and class. In the meantime, here are some more rumors that haven’t come up yet, but it wouldn’t shock me it they did:

    JoePa Turned His Back On Food Fight

    ALTOONA, Pa.–Junior Pawtowski, a retired former executive at Erie Insurance, in an exclusive to the Altoona Mirror, claims that when Joe Paterno was an assistant under Rip Engel, he stood by and did nothing to prevent a food fight from ensuing at the campus cafeteria causing  three university workers to immediately have to take their uniforms to the campus laundromat after suffering stringent fruit stains to their aprons, as well as allowing over 140 students to get pelted by nuts, berries, oranges, Tabasco sauce, wholewheat bread, salad dressing and fresh cold cuts.

    “That was back in the day when part of a college assistant coach’s job was to monitor the cafeteria and make sure there was no horse play,” remembers Pawtowski. “And a  bunch of bastards from Bethlehem were sitting in the far back corner. And those bastards from Bethlehem started coating french fries in ketchup and lobbing them like chemical grenades at a bunch of weasels from Wilkes Barre. Then, the weasels from Wilkes Barre returned fire with bananas coated in barbecue sauce! And pretty soon everything was out of hand!”

    Pawtowski claims Paterno just turned his back on the incident, and acted as if it didn’t even happen. “It was one of the most irresponsible things I ever saw,” said Pawtowski. “It’s too bad that the guy won over 400 games…yet all I’m ever going to ever remember about him is how he turned his back and ignored his responsibilities.”

    Ex-Players Support Paterno

    BALTIMORE, Md.–A petition is being passed around by former Penn State players, challenging an accusation that former football coach Joe Paterno stood by and did nothing to prevent a food fight from occurring in the school cafeteria in the early sixties when Paterno was still an assistant under Rip Engel.

    According to Boomer Wrobleski, a former tight end who started in 23 games and played in two Orange Bowls, an investigation shows Paterno did what he was required to do under the Pennsylvania Open Food Fight Act, and therefore can not be open to lawsuits from those who claim they suffered emotional damage from the incident. “It’s all poppycock,” said Wrobleski. “Joe is a great and godly man. If there was any wrong doing you knew Joe was going to address the situation.”

    According to reliable bystanders, when the food fight started, Gomer Humphries, a Penn State junior accounting major from York, approached Paterno and informed the coach that he had just been bombarded with cupcakes and containers of grape juice. Paterno replied, “Sorry you had to go through that! You did the right thing by coming to me and telling me!” Paterno then went into the kitchen and informed the cook a food fight was in progress, and according to state law, he met the bare minimum of what he was legally required to do.

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About The Author

Willie Backer

is an award-winning, veteran writer who has chronicled major news and sports events all across america, and is the author of the brand new book " The Legends Son...and the Ultra-competitive World of Alabama Football.

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