Why Cam and Sarah, of course! There’s still plenty of majestic material to go around! Starting with the fact that while the NCAA did release a pretty grandiloquent statement–talking about the dozens and dozens of witnesses interviewed, all the financial records and IRS statements they poured over, etc.–the fact of the matter is all they really said was they can’t prove anything, so they are moving on. And without any subpoena power the NCAA….surprise, surprise…probably couldn’t prove Auburn starts with a capital A. With no subpoena power, the NCAA is totally reliant on Cam & company to provide information, which would be about like letting Roger Federer make his own line calls. Oh, the NCAA can ask Cam to see his bank account–that is how they supposedly nailed A.J. Green for selling his Independence Bowl jersey–but unless Cam is stupid enough to deposit $180,000 of cash in a personal checking account, not much is gonna be found.
Still, with all the alluding of Auburn’s alleged blatant cheating broached everywhere from HBO to the New York Times, the NCAA’s announcement clearing Cam leaves many self-righteous critics and so called experts looking pretty silly. So….here are some national stories we could see in the upcoming weeks:
JOE SCHAD HAS ENOUGH EGG ON HIS FACE TO FEED THE ESPN COLLEGE GAMEDAY CREW
BRISTOL, CT–While broadcasting outlets all across the country have been forced to make reductions in budgets, ESPN announced today that as part of its corporate cost-cutting measures, the ESPN College Game Day crew, which will be at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena this weekend, will be fed using all the egg on the face of ESPN reporter Joe Schad.
“Let’s not make more of this than what it is,” said George Bodenheimer, President of ESPN, Inc. and ABC Sports. “Companies all across America are doing everything from renegotiating vendor contracts to restructuring employee bonuses in an effort for cut costs and maintain a viable cash flow. And we saw one very workable opportunity and decided to take advantage of it.”
Bodenheimer said that last year, when ESPN’s Joe Schad, using anonymous sources, reported information that directly implicated Auburn quarterack Cam Newton in a play-for-pay allegation, he figured the NCAA would come in for an easy mop-up procedure and immediately suspend Newton. “But not only did they not suspend Newton, they did an extensive investigation and couldn’t come up with any violations on him, period. And the board of directors at Disney felt this left an inordinate amount of egg of Joe Schad’s face,” said Bodenheimer.
“In this sagging economy, people in my position are forced to make tough economic decisions every day,” Bodenheimer continued. “And I am constantly having to evaluate everything from laying off employees to closing divisions to reorganizing the work force to lowering revenue expectations. Travel expenses at ESPN are astronomical. And using the egg on Joe Schad’s face to feed the Game Day crew is one way we can defray costs.”
Bodenheimer mentioned that members of the College Game Day crew include Chris Fowler, Kirk Herbstreit, Lee Corso, Desmond Howard, David Pollack and Erin Andrews.
MIKE BIANCHI HAS ENOUGH EGG ON HIS FACE TO FEED THE MORMON TABERNACLE CHIOR
SALT LAKE CITY–Mack Wilberg, music director of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, announced that the Emmy winning, 360-member all-volunteer singing group will be treated to breakfast this Sunday before their early-morning performance at Tabernacle on Temple Square, using all the eggs on the face of Orlando Sentinel columnist Mike Bianchi. The complimentary breakfast was decided upon two days after the NCAA announced its investigation cleared Auburn and Cam Newton of any recruiting violations.
“The incomparable voices of our performers deserve a treat like this,” said Wilberg. “Our group has performed at 13 World’s Fairs and the inaugurations of six United States presidents. Yet we are completely self funded, relying on donations and the kindness of strangers. And the president of the Tribune Company, which owns the Orlando Sentinel, told us that there are so many eggs on the face of one of their superstar columnists, Mike Bianchi, he could actually feed the Mormon Tabernacle Choir with them. And we were honored and humbled at his offer to do so.”
“Apparently this columnist went on a crusde to question Cam Newton and Auburn,” said Mormon Tabernacle Choir president Mac Christensen. “He not only editorialized about Cam’s alleged illegal recruitment, he not only dug up information on Cam being kicked out of Florida for stealing a laptop, he not only printed stories on Cam’s confidential academic records, he actually went on a mission to keep Cam’s name off the Heisman Trophy ballot. And now that now that the NCAA’s exhaustive investigation has turned up nothing, I guess you could say Mike has enough egg on his face to feed to Mormon Tabernacle Choir!”
Bianchi, reached at his winter retreat at Saint-Tropez on the Mediterainian Sea, said “Doctors bury their mistakes, but newspapers print ours.”
DANNY SHERIDAN HAS ENOUGH EGG ON HIS FACE TO FEED THE PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF CHINA
BEIJING, CHINA–President Hu Jintao of the People’s Republic of China announced today that all 1,339,724,852 citizens of China will be fed this weekend using the egg on the face of USA TODAY columnist Danny Sheridan. Jintao made his announcement hours after the NCAA announced it was closing the Cam Newton case.
“Because of land degradation, urbanization and over-reliance on fossil-fuels and fertiliser, feeding 1.3 billion people is a frightening challenge for us,” Jintao said in a prepared statement from Tiananmen Square. “You combine that cold hard fact with grain and meat prices climbing on the global market, and you can see why we always have to look for alternative sources of nutrition to feed our people. And one obvious area of excess food was all the egg on the face of Danny Sheridan. He not only reported last summer that the NCAA knew who Cam’s bag man was, but also pinpointed exact numbers. Sheridan said the Newton family got $150,000 and Cecil’s church got $30,000. The NCAA not only denied this, the NCAA actually did something it hasn’t done since the Ming Dynasty: it released a statement in the middle of an ongoing investigation saying that Danny Sheridan was full of ma la ge bi!”
“When the NCAA announced its investigation was complete, and it found no evidence of any violations by Auburn, we immediately got a call from the Chinese government,” said Gracia Martore, Chairman, President and CEO of Gannett Company, INC. which owns USA TODAY. “They said, through an interpreter based out of Hong Kong, that they have tried everything from river water management to pig and poultry farming to increasing the crop yield of premium-grade rice, and had never identified such a large source of edible food as all the egg that was on Danny Sheridan’s face following the Cam Newton ruling. And we felt it would be a very humanitarian gesture to let the People’s Republic of China utilize this excess food in an effort to help combat world hunger.”
SOME STORIES AUBURN RIVALS WANTED TO READ:
Forensic Accountants Reveal Colonial Bank Wired Cecil Newton $200,000!
MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA–A team of financial experts contracted by the United States government to analyze, interpret and summarize the complex fiscal issues of Colonial Bank, the largest bank failure of 2009, has revealed that Bobby Lowder, chairman of the bank, wired $200,000 to the account of Cecil Newton, father of Auburn quarterback Cam Newton.
“Our goal when we started this investigation was simply to recover as much of the two billion dollars the FDIC paid out in Colonial’s closing,” said United States attorney general Eric Holder. “But after looking over millions of legal documents our forensic accountants discovered that Bobby Lowder did indeed wire two hundred grand to Cecil Newton. Light bulbs started going off! And when we realized Bobby is a big Auburn booster, and we realized Cecil’s son plays for Auburn, we immediately decided we had no choice but to alert the NCAA of this highly-confidential government finding and turn all the documentation over to the NCAA’s team of highly-qualified investigators.”
When the FDIC seized Colonial Bank’s assets when it failed to secure enough private funding to qualify for TARP money, the government reaped a harvest of literally millions of financial documents from the bank’s closing and a raid on one of its facilities shorty before its closing. This led many to speculate that evidence of financial fishy recruiting tactics relating to Lowder and Auburn University would be revealed.
“I can’t believe I was so stupid that I would perform an electronic funds transfer with Cecil from one bank account to another, where the government has a clear record of it,” said Lowder, who was reached at his winter home in Puerto Vallarta. “Adolph Rupp told me years ago if you are going to buy players, be sure to do it in cash, so there is no paper trail. I should have had the sense to listen to ol’ Uncle Adolph!”
SHORTER, ALABAMA–FBI wiretaps have revealed the casino owner Milton McGregor paid Cam Newton $200,000 to play football at Auburn University. The wiretaps were put in place while the FBI was investigating a large scandal going on in the state of Alabama surrounding a vote-buying scheme on legalizing video bingo machines at casinos.
“When we got solid evidence that Milt McGregor may be involved in illegal activity, we wiretapped his phone for a considerable amount of time to build our case,” said U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder. ”And while we didn’t glean enough evidence to convict Milt, the stuff we found out about illegal recruiting at Auburn was just mind boggling. We immediately contacted the NCAA and turned all the recording over to their highly-qualified investigators.”
The recording went as follows:
Voice One: "Holy Zion Center of Deliverance, how may I direct your call?"
Voice Two: "This is Milt McGregor from Victoryland. Is Cecil Newton there?"
Voice One: "Why Milt, this is Cecil! Hope you are doing well today!"
Voice Two: "Just Fine, Cecil! I just want to let you know we have decided to meet your
price of two hundred thousand dollars in exchange for Cam to play football for
my beloved Auburn Tigers! When can you come and get the money!"
Voice One: "Milt, I'm heading over to your race track right now!"
Voice Two: "That's great Cecil. Just come to the betting window and ask for me. I'll take
you to a secret back room we have on the property and you and I and Cam can count up
$200,000 in cash, and we'll call it square!"
Reached at his Montgomery home, McGregor commented, “I can hardly believe I was stupid enough to talk about stuff like this over the phone. Guy Hunt once told me if you are going to do stuff like this, be smart enough not to talk about it over the phone. Because you never know when the feds may be listening in. If I had listened to ol’ Guy we wouldn’t be in this situation. And I would certainly like to apologize to the cohesive Auburn family for letting them down.”
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